The 2010 Joke thread (Definitely not child friendly, you've been warned)
May 4th 2010, 10:59 am
#76
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Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Posts: 3,681
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
It's so annoying. I lost the pub quiz last night by just one point.
The last question was "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Africa !
Bugger!
The last question was "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Africa !
Bugger!
May 4th 2010, 11:08 am
#77
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Posts: 3,681
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
A firm with a sense of humour
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
May 4th 2010, 11:17 am
#78
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 9,397
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of Heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a reheated TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?" The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
May 4th 2010, 1:19 pm
#80
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,566
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
How do you know that youre at a bulimics birthday party?
Because the cake jumps out of the girl.
Because the cake jumps out of the girl.
May 4th 2010, 1:58 pm
#82
Cad and bounder
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,080
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
My budgie broke his leg this morning so I made him a splint with two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up! Unfortunately so did the rest of him as I forgot I'd lined his cage with sand paper!
I was looking at this girl the other day, when she sneezed and her glass eye shot straight across the bar and into my hand.
Like a gent, I quietly went over and said, 'I don't mean to embarrass you, but I think this is yours. Let me buy you a drink.'
After a few drinks, she invited me back to hers and we had sex. I said, 'Do you do this with all the guys you meet?'
She said, 'Only those who catch my eye.'
I was looking at this girl the other day, when she sneezed and her glass eye shot straight across the bar and into my hand.
Like a gent, I quietly went over and said, 'I don't mean to embarrass you, but I think this is yours. Let me buy you a drink.'
After a few drinks, she invited me back to hers and we had sex. I said, 'Do you do this with all the guys you meet?'
She said, 'Only those who catch my eye.'
May 4th 2010, 2:01 pm
#83
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2009
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 20,821
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils.
She couldn't control her pupils.
May 4th 2010, 2:01 pm
#84
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,566
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
My budgie broke his leg this morning so I made him a splint with two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up! Unfortunately so did the rest of him as I forgot I'd lined his cage with sand paper!
I was looking at this girl the other day, when she sneezed and her glass eye shot straight across the bar and into my hand.
Like a gent, I quietly went over and said, 'I don't mean to embarrass you, but I think this is yours. Let me buy you a drink.'
After a few drinks, she invited me back to hers and we had sex. I said, 'Do you do this with all the guys you meet?'
She said, 'Only those who catch my eye.'
I was looking at this girl the other day, when she sneezed and her glass eye shot straight across the bar and into my hand.
Like a gent, I quietly went over and said, 'I don't mean to embarrass you, but I think this is yours. Let me buy you a drink.'
After a few drinks, she invited me back to hers and we had sex. I said, 'Do you do this with all the guys you meet?'
She said, 'Only those who catch my eye.'
Mum: Well, pick them up and roll them back.
May 4th 2010, 2:04 pm
#85
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2009
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 20,821
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
My budgie broke his leg this morning so I made him a splint with two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up! Unfortunately so did the rest of him as I forgot I'd lined his cage with sand paper!
I was looking at this girl the other day, when she sneezed and her glass eye shot straight across the bar and into my hand.
Like a gent, I quietly went over and said, 'I don't mean to embarrass you, but I think this is yours. Let me buy you a drink.'
After a few drinks, she invited me back to hers and we had sex. I said, 'Do you do this with all the guys you meet?'
She said, 'Only those who catch my eye.'
I was looking at this girl the other day, when she sneezed and her glass eye shot straight across the bar and into my hand.
Like a gent, I quietly went over and said, 'I don't mean to embarrass you, but I think this is yours. Let me buy you a drink.'
After a few drinks, she invited me back to hers and we had sex. I said, 'Do you do this with all the guys you meet?'
She said, 'Only those who catch my eye.'
Was her name Iris?
May 4th 2010, 2:27 pm
#87
Forum Regular
Joined: Jun 2009
Location: South Wales
Posts: 110
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
I was walking past the frige ealier and thought I heard a spring onion singing a bee gee's song
I opened the door and realised it was a chive talking
Sincerest Apologies, I will now go and hang my head in shame
I opened the door and realised it was a chive talking
Sincerest Apologies, I will now go and hang my head in shame
May 6th 2010, 12:18 pm
#88
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Beyond the Pale
Posts: 963
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
A husband and wife were watching a TV programme about psychology. He turned to her and said "What a load of rubbish. How can you be both sad and happy. Go on, tell me something that will make me feel sad and happy at the same time"
Spoiler:
May 6th 2010, 2:37 pm
#89
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Posts: 3,681
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
Aussie Customs
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another
'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.
The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken aback and says,
'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''
What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs..
'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'Man at travel agent say to become true Australian,
I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit.'
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another
'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.
The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken aback and says,
'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''
What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs..
'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'Man at travel agent say to become true Australian,
I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit.'
May 7th 2010, 1:13 pm
#90
MODERATOR
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Redneck Wonderland
Posts: 9,932
Re: The 2010 Joke thread
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"