Wife changed her mind
#16
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: Perth
Posts: 6,781
Re: Wife changed her mind
Bit of a long story here, but in short I am 35 male from the UK I met my wife in Sydney in 2012 she is 35 and from Germany, we lived in Germany for approx 2 years before moving to the UK. We always said if the opportunity presents itself we would move to Australia. Recently that has happened, I am a police officer and now WA, QLD and SA are recruiting cops from the UK giving us a lot of choice.
We now have a 3 year old son (so for me the best time to go, he will understand roughly what's going on but he's not in school yet and wouldn't be too disrupted by the change). I started discussing it with my wife and initially she was on board, but now she has totally changed her mind and she doesn't think we should go. She is worried about being so far from the UK and Germany (all our parents are still with us and she is worried as they get older we wont be here for them) she is also worried about the reset on our lives, going from relatively settled (we own a home here with a substantial equity in it and a dog and cat here. We also have some really good friends around us here for support).
She has made some really good points that I cant dispute, missing out on the last years of our parents lives would be awful, as would having our son miss out on that. We also have the issue of me going on to shifts in Aus she will be left on her own with no one around her and no support with a 3 year old.
For me this is a huge deal and I am set on going but I cant go without them and I cant force them to come with me, I am worried at this point no matter what we end up doing one of us will eventually start to resent the other either her to me for pushing it until we moved and she missed the last years of her parents lives or me to her for us not going and then being stuck in the UK for the rest of our lives.
We have tried a pros and cons list and we have tried just talking all the points through but we still end up at the same result her on a hard no me on a hard yes. How have you solved issues like this is there something we can do to reassure some concerns like will it actually be better there than here (everything I read says it will be, is that right or is it skewed) or will our son actually lead a better life?
Any pointers tips or advice would be so helpful.
Cheers.
We now have a 3 year old son (so for me the best time to go, he will understand roughly what's going on but he's not in school yet and wouldn't be too disrupted by the change). I started discussing it with my wife and initially she was on board, but now she has totally changed her mind and she doesn't think we should go. She is worried about being so far from the UK and Germany (all our parents are still with us and she is worried as they get older we wont be here for them) she is also worried about the reset on our lives, going from relatively settled (we own a home here with a substantial equity in it and a dog and cat here. We also have some really good friends around us here for support).
She has made some really good points that I cant dispute, missing out on the last years of our parents lives would be awful, as would having our son miss out on that. We also have the issue of me going on to shifts in Aus she will be left on her own with no one around her and no support with a 3 year old.
For me this is a huge deal and I am set on going but I cant go without them and I cant force them to come with me, I am worried at this point no matter what we end up doing one of us will eventually start to resent the other either her to me for pushing it until we moved and she missed the last years of her parents lives or me to her for us not going and then being stuck in the UK for the rest of our lives.
We have tried a pros and cons list and we have tried just talking all the points through but we still end up at the same result her on a hard no me on a hard yes. How have you solved issues like this is there something we can do to reassure some concerns like will it actually be better there than here (everything I read says it will be, is that right or is it skewed) or will our son actually lead a better life?
Any pointers tips or advice would be so helpful.
Cheers.
We see very little advantage in moving to Australia these days. Just what would be gained? Very high rents , over inflated house prices, somewhat boring if used to Europe, I wrote a long account yesterday but it was removed, for no apparent reason than speaking the truth. Just close by saying, think very carefully. This is not the country it was in the past and plenty of Australians are increasingly negative with regards to a number of factors occurring around us. Good Luck.
#17
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Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
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Re: Wife changed her mind
Just a reminder... Although the OP's family is split between staying in Britain and emigrating to Australia, he posed a general question that applies to all families regardless of their possible new homes. What applies to Australia as a choice (and Australia is a huge country, with a huge variety of destinations), probably also applies to other huge countries and varieties.
However if YOU want to chime in with your experiences of living elsewhere then carry on
#18
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: Perth
Posts: 6,781
Re: Wife changed her mind
Just a reminder... Although the OP's family is split between staying in Britain and emigrating to Australia, he posed a general question that applies to all families regardless of their possible new homes. What applies to Australia as a choice (and Australia is a huge country, with a huge variety of destinations), probably also applies to other huge countries and varieties.
#19
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 704
Re: Wife changed her mind
Sometimes I think this forum should be titled Whingeing Poms rather than British *Expats*... ;-)
While I agree that the OP faces an uphill battle with his significant other, and will likely need to cave in order to preserve that relationship, I'd still like to attempt the contrarian case for the Australian option.
The OP doesn't make it clear how long the nascent couple spent in Sydney together when they first met. But there must have been some spark not only between them, but also between them and Australia, to make Oz the focus of their initial plans as a couple. Did anything actually dim that prospect, other than distance from respective families?
Yes, property is expensive in Oz, as are trips back home, and it takes awhile to fit in and make friends with the natives. But I've never regretted the move, despite an early forced career change during the GFC, 3 years into the adventure. And while my eldest has "gone back'' to London with her partner for a 3-year-Euro-stint, to pad their resumes, they both feel homesick for Melbourne, and have kept their property here.
The overwhelmingly positive thing that I've found about Australia, for myself, my wife, and my children, is that one is never pigeon-holed, one is never out of new options to pursue, just "give it a red hot go".
And then relax on weekends, on the beach or parkland of your choice.
While I agree that the OP faces an uphill battle with his significant other, and will likely need to cave in order to preserve that relationship, I'd still like to attempt the contrarian case for the Australian option.
The OP doesn't make it clear how long the nascent couple spent in Sydney together when they first met. But there must have been some spark not only between them, but also between them and Australia, to make Oz the focus of their initial plans as a couple. Did anything actually dim that prospect, other than distance from respective families?
Yes, property is expensive in Oz, as are trips back home, and it takes awhile to fit in and make friends with the natives. But I've never regretted the move, despite an early forced career change during the GFC, 3 years into the adventure. And while my eldest has "gone back'' to London with her partner for a 3-year-Euro-stint, to pad their resumes, they both feel homesick for Melbourne, and have kept their property here.
The overwhelmingly positive thing that I've found about Australia, for myself, my wife, and my children, is that one is never pigeon-holed, one is never out of new options to pursue, just "give it a red hot go".
And then relax on weekends, on the beach or parkland of your choice.
#20
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Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
Posts: 93,826
Re: Wife changed her mind
Sometimes I think this forum should be titled Whingeing Poms rather than British *Expats*... ;-)
While I agree that the OP faces an uphill battle with his significant other, and will likely need to cave in order to preserve that relationship, I'd still like to attempt the contrarian case for the Australian option.
The OP doesn't make it clear how long the nascent couple spent in Sydney together when they first met. But there must have been some spark not only between them, but also between them and Australia, to make Oz the focus of their initial plans as a couple. Did anything actually dim that prospect, other than distance from respective families?
Yes, property is expensive in Oz, as are trips back home, and it takes awhile to fit in and make friends with the natives. But I've never regretted the move, despite an early forced career change during the GFC, 3 years into the adventure. And while my eldest has "gone back'' to London with her partner for a 3-year-Euro-stint, to pad their resumes, they both feel homesick for Melbourne, and have kept their property here.
The overwhelmingly positive thing that I've found about Australia, for myself, my wife, and my children, is that one is never pigeon-holed, one is never out of new options to pursue, just "give it a red hot go".
And then relax on weekends, on the beach or parkland of your choice.
While I agree that the OP faces an uphill battle with his significant other, and will likely need to cave in order to preserve that relationship, I'd still like to attempt the contrarian case for the Australian option.
The OP doesn't make it clear how long the nascent couple spent in Sydney together when they first met. But there must have been some spark not only between them, but also between them and Australia, to make Oz the focus of their initial plans as a couple. Did anything actually dim that prospect, other than distance from respective families?
Yes, property is expensive in Oz, as are trips back home, and it takes awhile to fit in and make friends with the natives. But I've never regretted the move, despite an early forced career change during the GFC, 3 years into the adventure. And while my eldest has "gone back'' to London with her partner for a 3-year-Euro-stint, to pad their resumes, they both feel homesick for Melbourne, and have kept their property here.
The overwhelmingly positive thing that I've found about Australia, for myself, my wife, and my children, is that one is never pigeon-holed, one is never out of new options to pursue, just "give it a red hot go".
And then relax on weekends, on the beach or parkland of your choice.
The original post does remind me a little of one of my first friends in Aus, newly arrived like me. She was there as a young mum of a 3 year old, her husband had this dream that Aus would be better for them and persuaded her to move. She missed her home (Birmingham), her family to whom she was very close, her friends, everything. She lasted 6 months I think. Left the husband, as he refused to go home; she took the little boy and went back as a single mum. Very sad as they were a lovely family, but she was desperately unhappy, and he was determined to follow his dream, whatever the cost.
Personally I wouldn't set foot in Australia again if you paid me, but I know that for many people - like you - life there has really worked out well and I'm glad to see it. The challenge for posters like the OP is to read the whole range of experiences and then make up their own minds as to what they think will work for them!
#21
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2010
Location: San Diego, California
Posts: 9,673
Re: Wife changed her mind
IMHO, anyone on this forum, who has ever expressed concerns (when contemplating emigrating), regarding 'really' going to miss their family, extended family, friends and home life have, in most cases, never truly settled in their new country.
Whichever country that has been outside of Europe.
They have always yearned for back home - especially when children came along and there was not that family/friend support network.
Whichever country that has been outside of Europe.
They have always yearned for back home - especially when children came along and there was not that family/friend support network.
#22
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: Perth
Posts: 6,781
Re: Wife changed her mind
Sometimes I think this forum should be titled Whingeing Poms rather than British *Expats*... ;-)
While I agree that the OP faces an uphill battle with his significant other, and will likely need to cave in order to preserve that relationship, I'd still like to attempt the contrarian case for the Australian option.
The OP doesn't make it clear how long the nascent couple spent in Sydney together when they first met. But there must have been some spark not only between them, but also between them and Australia, to make Oz the focus of their initial plans as a couple. Did anything actually dim that prospect, other than distance from respective families?
Yes, property is expensive in Oz, as are trips back home, and it takes awhile to fit in and make friends with the natives. But I've never regretted the move, despite an early forced career change during the GFC, 3 years into the adventure. And while my eldest has "gone back'' to London with her partner for a 3-year-Euro-stint, to pad their resumes, they both feel homesick for Melbourne, and have kept their property here.
The overwhelmingly positive thing that I've found about Australia, for myself, my wife, and my children, is that one is never pigeon-holed, one is never out of new options to pursue, just "give it a red hot go".
And then relax on weekends, on the beach or parkland of your choice.
While I agree that the OP faces an uphill battle with his significant other, and will likely need to cave in order to preserve that relationship, I'd still like to attempt the contrarian case for the Australian option.
The OP doesn't make it clear how long the nascent couple spent in Sydney together when they first met. But there must have been some spark not only between them, but also between them and Australia, to make Oz the focus of their initial plans as a couple. Did anything actually dim that prospect, other than distance from respective families?
Yes, property is expensive in Oz, as are trips back home, and it takes awhile to fit in and make friends with the natives. But I've never regretted the move, despite an early forced career change during the GFC, 3 years into the adventure. And while my eldest has "gone back'' to London with her partner for a 3-year-Euro-stint, to pad their resumes, they both feel homesick for Melbourne, and have kept their property here.
The overwhelmingly positive thing that I've found about Australia, for myself, my wife, and my children, is that one is never pigeon-holed, one is never out of new options to pursue, just "give it a red hot go".
And then relax on weekends, on the beach or parkland of your choice.
I do wonder if those of longer standing both born here and from elsewhere will adapt a pose greater than indignation or' whingeing ' and call to account those that have sold out this country or meekly allow the decline to continue ?
#23
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2008
Location: Perth
Posts: 6,781
Re: Wife changed her mind
IMHO, anyone on this forum, who has ever expressed concerns (when contemplating emigrating), regarding 'really' going to miss their family, extended family, friends and home life have, in most cases, never truly settled in their new country.
Whichever country that has been outside of Europe.
They have always yearned for back home - especially when children came along and there was not that family/friend support network.
Whichever country that has been outside of Europe.
They have always yearned for back home - especially when children came along and there was not that family/friend support network.
#24
Re: Wife changed her mind
And honestly, I would argue that much the same applies to anywhere that is not a "jump in the car (or train/plane), same day journey" away, putting, in my personal opinion, even Spain and Italy, inconveniently far from family in the UK.
Last edited by Pulaski; Mar 31st 2024 at 7:27 pm.
#25
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Joined: Oct 2008
Location: Perth
Posts: 6,781
Re: Wife changed her mind
Clearly NZ and Australia are further from the UK than anywhere else, but I think that the practical impact is similar if you're in any "long haul" location (WRT the UK), such as Southern Africa, East or South Asia, or anywhere in the America's. Even from the East Coast US its an eight-ish hour flight (unless you're in Boston), plus check-in time, plus travel to the airport (another 3-5 hours, or more if you have to take a feeder flight, which adds layover time), making a total journey time that could easily be 20+ hours.
And honestly, I would argue that much the same applies to anywhere that is not a "jump in the car (or train/plane), same day journey" away, putting, in my personal opinion, even Spain and Italy, inconveniently far from family in the UK.
And honestly, I would argue that much the same applies to anywhere that is not a "jump in the car (or train/plane), same day journey" away, putting, in my personal opinion, even Spain and Italy, inconveniently far from family in the UK.
#26
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Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
Posts: 93,826
Re: Wife changed her mind
People forget that to undertake the entire trip to the UK, door to door, it usually takes around 36 hours, messing around with taxis, security queues, delays, transit stops, reboarding etc etc. I absolutely adore flying, but would think again about doing the trip as the less mobile one gets, the tougher the experience. The only way I would do it now is through Perth on the 17 hour non-stop, and even then its about another 8 or 9 hours to get to the east coast.
When I came home last year I came through Perth, with the shortest possible connection from Brisbane, and it took 36 hours to reach Heathrow.
#27
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Joined: Oct 2008
Location: Perth
Posts: 6,781
Re: Wife changed her mind
Agreed! Especially for people who are quite accustomed to the eats1west coast thing in Aus, which is often a 7 hour flight.
People forget that to undertake the entire trip to the UK, door to door, it usually takes around 36 hours, messing around with taxis, security queues, delays, transit stops, reboarding etc etc. I absolutely adore flying, but would think again about doing the trip as the less mobile one gets, the tougher the experience. The only way I would do it now is through Perth on the 17 hour non-stop, and even then its about another 8 or 9 hours to get to the east coast.
When I came home last year I came through Perth, with the shortest possible connection from Brisbane, and it took 36 hours to reach Heathrow.
People forget that to undertake the entire trip to the UK, door to door, it usually takes around 36 hours, messing around with taxis, security queues, delays, transit stops, reboarding etc etc. I absolutely adore flying, but would think again about doing the trip as the less mobile one gets, the tougher the experience. The only way I would do it now is through Perth on the 17 hour non-stop, and even then its about another 8 or 9 hours to get to the east coast.
When I came home last year I came through Perth, with the shortest possible connection from Brisbane, and it took 36 hours to reach Heathrow.
It must be torture for those living in the Eastern States or even worse NZ.
Will be arriving in Athens , a city have not been to in decades, and as intend to take public transport, will require my wits about me to ensure no mishaps.
#28
Home and Happy
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
Posts: 93,826
Re: Wife changed her mind
Thing being, no matter how tired, I just cannot fall asleep on a plane. (besides a few minutes of dozing which tends to make me feel worse) I'm full of admiration for those that do, and wonder just how much is chemically induced? I deplore the use of drugs for such things, but for the first time have a prescription from my doctor to assist with sleeping. No idea yet if will act upon it.
It must be torture for those living in the Eastern States or even worse NZ.
Will be arriving in Athens , a city have not been to in decades, and as intend to take public transport, will require my wits about me to ensure no mishaps.
It must be torture for those living in the Eastern States or even worse NZ.
Will be arriving in Athens , a city have not been to in decades, and as intend to take public transport, will require my wits about me to ensure no mishaps.
Only advice I can give with the pills is to make sure the flight is definitely departing before you take them! I had a friend flying LHR to Florida, terrified of flying, so got some pills. As instructed took them an hour before "departure". Flight was delayed by three hours and they practically had to carry her on board, good thing the crew knew what had happened or she'd never have got there!
Enjoy Athens!!
#29
Re: Wife changed her mind
Thing being, no matter how tired, I just cannot fall asleep on a plane. (besides a few minutes of dozing which tends to make me feel worse) I'm full of admiration for those that do, and wonder just how much is chemically induced? I deplore the use of drugs for such things, but for the first time have a prescription from my doctor to assist with sleeping. No idea yet if will act upon it.
It must be torture for those living in the Eastern States or even worse NZ.
Will be arriving in Athens , a city have not been to in decades, and as intend to take public transport, will require my wits about me to ensure no mishaps.
It must be torture for those living in the Eastern States or even worse NZ.
Will be arriving in Athens , a city have not been to in decades, and as intend to take public transport, will require my wits about me to ensure no mishaps.
#30
BE Forum Addict
Joined: May 2007
Location: England
Posts: 4,221
Re: Wife changed her mind
Sometimes I think this forum should be titled Whingeing Poms rather than British *Expats*... ;-)
While I agree that the OP faces an uphill battle with his significant other, and will likely need to cave in order to preserve that relationship, I'd still like to attempt the contrarian case for the Australian option.
The OP doesn't make it clear how long the nascent couple spent in Sydney together when they first met. But there must have been some spark not only between them, but also between them and Australia, to make Oz the focus of their initial plans as a couple. Did anything actually dim that prospect, other than distance from respective families?
Yes, property is expensive in Oz, as are trips back home, and it takes awhile to fit in and make friends with the natives. But I've never regretted the move, despite an early forced career change during the GFC, 3 years into the adventure. And while my eldest has "gone back'' to London with her partner for a 3-year-Euro-stint, to pad their resumes, they both feel homesick for Melbourne, and have kept their property here.
The overwhelmingly positive thing that I've found about Australia, for myself, my wife, and my children, is that one is never pigeon-holed, one is never out of new options to pursue, just "give it a red hot go".
And then relax on weekends, on the beach or parkland of your choice.
While I agree that the OP faces an uphill battle with his significant other, and will likely need to cave in order to preserve that relationship, I'd still like to attempt the contrarian case for the Australian option.
The OP doesn't make it clear how long the nascent couple spent in Sydney together when they first met. But there must have been some spark not only between them, but also between them and Australia, to make Oz the focus of their initial plans as a couple. Did anything actually dim that prospect, other than distance from respective families?
Yes, property is expensive in Oz, as are trips back home, and it takes awhile to fit in and make friends with the natives. But I've never regretted the move, despite an early forced career change during the GFC, 3 years into the adventure. And while my eldest has "gone back'' to London with her partner for a 3-year-Euro-stint, to pad their resumes, they both feel homesick for Melbourne, and have kept their property here.
The overwhelmingly positive thing that I've found about Australia, for myself, my wife, and my children, is that one is never pigeon-holed, one is never out of new options to pursue, just "give it a red hot go".
And then relax on weekends, on the beach or parkland of your choice.