Teenagers Refusing To Come!
Oct 1st 2008 | 2:45 am
#16
aka DORIS
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,584
From: qld
Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
we have a similar situation,my 19 year old wont come he had a visa and wouldn't validate it, he has a good job shares a batchelor pad with his mate s and has a girlfriend who is has been with a while.
We have decided we had no choice but to let him live the life he wanted, we leave in january and he is now asking us not to go as reality is setting in for him, no mum to pick up the pieces and buy his shopping for him if hes feeling a bit skint.
I'm hoping he changes his mind when he realises he misses us so much, just dont know besides getting him a working holiday visa how we would get him over there should he change his mind.
hope everything works out for you in the way you want its a hard one
xx
We have decided we had no choice but to let him live the life he wanted, we leave in january and he is now asking us not to go as reality is setting in for him, no mum to pick up the pieces and buy his shopping for him if hes feeling a bit skint.
I'm hoping he changes his mind when he realises he misses us so much, just dont know besides getting him a working holiday visa how we would get him over there should he change his mind.
hope everything works out for you in the way you want its a hard one
xx
Oct 1st 2008 | 9:37 am
#17
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 8,390
From: Canberra
Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
It is hard to appreciate that one man's dream is another man's nightmare and forcing an almost adult to do something they dont want to do is really not going to work. Sure there is a chance that you force them here and they "absolutely love it" but equally there is a chance that you force them and their mental health goes down the pan. By that age, the only thing to do really is to make your case and then let them make their own decision - but meanwhile make sure they have a support network and a safety net (more for your own peace of mind than anything else) and let them get on with their lives.
Even bringing them here is no sinecure - many Aussie kids just cannot wait to get out of the place once they leave school/uni and many never return, especially if they have the luxury of dual citizenship. Both of mine went back for "gaps" at some stage. The one that was never going to return came back within 8 months and headed off to be self sufficient in the bush but the one that had the return ticket cashed it in and wont be coming back here because of all the opportunities and social whirl he has in UK. You can never tell!!!
Even bringing them here is no sinecure - many Aussie kids just cannot wait to get out of the place once they leave school/uni and many never return, especially if they have the luxury of dual citizenship. Both of mine went back for "gaps" at some stage. The one that was never going to return came back within 8 months and headed off to be self sufficient in the bush but the one that had the return ticket cashed it in and wont be coming back here because of all the opportunities and social whirl he has in UK. You can never tell!!!
Oct 1st 2008 | 10:06 am
#18
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 794
Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
You say your daughter is working part-time. Is she still at school? If not, I'd tell her she has to get a full-time job is she's staying and pay the friend's parents board.
My son is also 17 (18 in March) and in his last year of school. We never told him he had to come to Oz, but did try to persuade him. In the end I said OK if you're staying you need to either find a job or a course of study for next year and arrange a place to live before we leave so that we can help you move and feel happy that you're settled. Within two weeks, he had been accepted into a course at Polytech for next year and organised three friends who will all look for a flat at the end of the year. We're still probably going to have to support him a bit, as we've discovered Studylink will convert our Oz wage to NZ dollars before deciding if he's eligible for a study allowance, but we're happy to let him have a go. He might surprise us or he might end up joining us.
Now that I've accepted it I'm busy making up a box of shampoos, deoderant, shaving stuff etc. every time I see a special at the supermarket to ease the cost of living for him. I'm also planning on making him a photo album and a recipe book of easy cheap meals. It makes me feel a little better anyway.
I think you're doing the right thing. You never know she might decide to join you by Christmas.
My son is also 17 (18 in March) and in his last year of school. We never told him he had to come to Oz, but did try to persuade him. In the end I said OK if you're staying you need to either find a job or a course of study for next year and arrange a place to live before we leave so that we can help you move and feel happy that you're settled. Within two weeks, he had been accepted into a course at Polytech for next year and organised three friends who will all look for a flat at the end of the year. We're still probably going to have to support him a bit, as we've discovered Studylink will convert our Oz wage to NZ dollars before deciding if he's eligible for a study allowance, but we're happy to let him have a go. He might surprise us or he might end up joining us.
Now that I've accepted it I'm busy making up a box of shampoos, deoderant, shaving stuff etc. every time I see a special at the supermarket to ease the cost of living for him. I'm also planning on making him a photo album and a recipe book of easy cheap meals. It makes me feel a little better anyway.
I think you're doing the right thing. You never know she might decide to join you by Christmas.
Oct 1st 2008 | 10:32 am
#19
broken but got a visa! :
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,515
From: seaford,adelaide
Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
Your doing the right thing by giving her her space and letting her stay without a fight.
Shel thank you for it, whether it works out for her or not, cos shes not a kid and shes not going to appreciate being told the 'me parent you child' routine.
We pulled rank on our teens, got them here and they do love it here. BUT both have moved out, living with mates in a houseshare, doing TAFE/school and working and theyre happy as larry.
Theyve outgrown us and if we didnt let them go they would have resented us forever...at least now i have a nice relationship with them not a house full of bad atmosphere...and of course they come calling when theyre hungry
Shel thank you for it, whether it works out for her or not, cos shes not a kid and shes not going to appreciate being told the 'me parent you child' routine.
We pulled rank on our teens, got them here and they do love it here. BUT both have moved out, living with mates in a houseshare, doing TAFE/school and working and theyre happy as larry.
Theyve outgrown us and if we didnt let them go they would have resented us forever...at least now i have a nice relationship with them not a house full of bad atmosphere...and of course they come calling when theyre hungry
Oct 1st 2008 | 3:31 pm
#20
Ping pong PoM
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,537
From: Melbourne
Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
Having left a 'teen' back in the UK I have an idea of how you're feeling.
We too had a 175 visa. We managed to persuade him to come and validate, by visiting my cousin in Sydney and have a couple of weeks of the 'high life' then go back to the UK to University, which he wanted to do.... Initially, the words were, 'I'm never moving over there' but he's already talking of coming out to do an internship next year and bringing his g/f once they've finished their degree courses.
I don't know what's best for you daughter, but if you can get her to come and validate, and see the place, she might miss you more than she expects and come on over later anyway. Unfortunately, you can't make them do anything they really don't want to do, all you can do is provide them with choices and options.
We too had a 175 visa. We managed to persuade him to come and validate, by visiting my cousin in Sydney and have a couple of weeks of the 'high life' then go back to the UK to University, which he wanted to do.... Initially, the words were, 'I'm never moving over there' but he's already talking of coming out to do an internship next year and bringing his g/f once they've finished their degree courses.
I don't know what's best for you daughter, but if you can get her to come and validate, and see the place, she might miss you more than she expects and come on over later anyway. Unfortunately, you can't make them do anything they really don't want to do, all you can do is provide them with choices and options.
Oct 1st 2008 | 5:03 pm
#21
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,451
From: Eldorado (near Wangaratta) 'country Victoria'
Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
Hi Guys
Thank you so much for taking the time to offer advice and support. I know that there are so many of us either going through the sitution, been through a smilar situation or are coming out of the other side! I think this subject is never going to go away on BE.
We have tried everything mentioned. We are parents not friends, we have talked to her calmly, we have shouted, we have said she is coming and thats that, we have offered to support her as much as we can with buying her a car to help her settle but she is adament - she doesnt want to come.
Our normal bubbly teenage daughter has become severly depressed since we started to make arrangements to actually move. She has been suffering with anxiety, stress and having hullucinations and feelings of 'not being normal'. She is on sleeping tablets from the doctor after finding her crumpled on the floor and last night suffered a full blown panic attack. I am an adult and only ever suffered two of those in my lifetime and shes my precious 17 year old, beautiful girl.
With a heavy heart, I think we have decided to let her stay - I dont feel as though we have any other option. Either way we loose and if she is not willing to even try then what more can we do.
We are hoping to arrange a meeting with her friends parents and will be saying that we are not happy about leaving her behind because we are not, but at the end of the day I dont want to loose my daughter and pushing her, I feel - will.
Its tough remaining strong and positive and my best wishes go out to all of those who are going through a similar thing.
Debbie
Thank you so much for taking the time to offer advice and support. I know that there are so many of us either going through the sitution, been through a smilar situation or are coming out of the other side! I think this subject is never going to go away on BE.
We have tried everything mentioned. We are parents not friends, we have talked to her calmly, we have shouted, we have said she is coming and thats that, we have offered to support her as much as we can with buying her a car to help her settle but she is adament - she doesnt want to come.
Our normal bubbly teenage daughter has become severly depressed since we started to make arrangements to actually move. She has been suffering with anxiety, stress and having hullucinations and feelings of 'not being normal'. She is on sleeping tablets from the doctor after finding her crumpled on the floor and last night suffered a full blown panic attack. I am an adult and only ever suffered two of those in my lifetime and shes my precious 17 year old, beautiful girl.
With a heavy heart, I think we have decided to let her stay - I dont feel as though we have any other option. Either way we loose and if she is not willing to even try then what more can we do.
We are hoping to arrange a meeting with her friends parents and will be saying that we are not happy about leaving her behind because we are not, but at the end of the day I dont want to loose my daughter and pushing her, I feel - will.
Its tough remaining strong and positive and my best wishes go out to all of those who are going through a similar thing.
Debbie
Good luck.
Nicky
Oct 1st 2008 | 6:24 pm
#22
A roo in my top paddock!
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 233
From: On the Goldie....beautiful Queensland.
Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
From my experience you re doing the right thing.
Best of luck.
Janice x
Best of luck.
Janice x
