Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

Hi Guys - Sorry but yet another one of those threads. I know there are a lot of us going through this.

Teenagers omg!

We are currently distraught as our daughter is refusing to come with us to Aus. We leave NZ on the 15th October, heading for the Gold Coast.

She is claiming that she will be unable to make new friends, and has a 'life' in NZ. She is 17 yrs (18 in Dec)

She currently works part time and has a couple of girl friends who come and go depending on boyfriends etc. For several weeks/months this year, she has either fallen out with them and spent a lot of time on her own or with us but in the past 2-3 months they have all made up and obviously this situation has brought them all closer together.

We dont want to leave her behind as we have no family and relatives in NZ that could look out for her and so essentially would be leaving her in NZ on her own. We also have our eldest daughter 20/21, studying at Uni in the UK who we financially support as best as we can.

To make matters worse, her friends parents have said that she can live with them as long as its ok with us! They have totally interfered, undermining us and left us in an intorelable situation where either way we loose out - Our daughter stays with them in NZ without family or she comes with us to Aus, but hates us because we said no to her living with her friend and will probably return eventually and hate us even more than she says she does now. Some bright spark has also told her that we cant legally stop her leaving home at 17 yrs although we are still responsible for her until she is 18.

Our daughter has said that she thinks more of her friends than her own family and would rather be with them than us.

I tried suggesting to her that she came and at least gave it a go for 6 months to a year and that we would support her and try our best to help her get settled. She was worried about having her 18th birthday without friends, so I even offered to pay for a flight back to NZ so that she could spend her 18th birthday with her NZ friends and then return in time to spend the Christmas with her family in Aus. Her sister is flying out at the end of Dec to spend Christmas with us, but she said a big no, and that she doesnt even like her sister!

I dont think that she is nowhere near ready to support herself and feel as though she is just replacing one family with another!

We have our own reasons for wanting to leave NZ to start again in Aus without waiting. I have resigned from my current position, the market has gone completely flat over here and it is extremely unlikely that I could find another job (even if I wanted to) and my husbands work is coming to an end, with a new job waiting, so we have no choice but to move.

So things arent going well at all which is an understatement and I think we will be leaving NZ without her. I dont know what else to do as she has completely turned against her family - us. I cant stop crying, its really tough. I never thought this adventure of migrating would lead to one daughter in the UK and the other in NZ and us in Aus.

Any thoughtful replys or suggestions welcome.

Debbie

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

I feel for you in this but you do what you think is right as a parent.

When I had my children I decided I was a parent not a friend and they just had to toe the line with what we thought until they were old enough to vote.

My daughter and I laugh now as she hated me when she was in her mid teens, I was not aware, I was the parent. She is 28 now and thinks it was good the way we were.

I remember going to a party one night, other parents were supposed to be bringing her home at a certain time but I did not trust their judgement so off I went and picked her up and brought her home.

My children always knew we would turn out in the middle of the night (might be a bit annoyed but never showed it) just did it.

So you do what is best for your daughter and what you are comfortable with and she will make new friends. Her friends parents have no right to undermine you.

:thumbsup:

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

How awful for you. I really feel for you because we were in a simular situation earlier on this year.
We had decided to migrate from the UK to Australia a couple of years ago and went down the PR route which takes a while. All this time my daughter (who would have been 16 then) went along with it but was never happy with it. I have to say we had the "im the parent and your the minor " kind of attitude so if we go you go. This sounds harsh but we did try to talk about it too and make it as appealing as we could.
Fast forward 2 years (we had a couple of delays with family members being ill). My daughter is now 18,we all have PR. She has met the love of her life! Now she really didnt want to come! She also had a very good social life and lots of friends and i could totally understand why she wouldnt want to break that up.Her boyfriend always encouraged her to come with us and said he would come over to go travelling with her when he could.
We knew she wasnt happy but,bless her,she came anyway,knowing it was our dream. We were convinced that if we just got her here it would be ok.
Well,it wasnt.
She came and got a job...threw herself into everything and really tried but on a night she sat crying quietly to her boyfriend on the phone. In the end we just couldnt let her be like that anymore and told her if she wanted to go back we would support her.Within a week she had got herself a job organised in the UK and her flight booked. I was so proud of her going all that way with 2 connecting flights on her own. She did and stayed with her boyfriend and his parents who i am eternally greatful to.
Fast forward 3 months from then. They are both now over here in Australia living with us,working and having a great time. They have just bought a car so that when their casual contract comes to an end they can travel the country.The boyfriends visa is only for a year so we ll have to see what happens after that but they are talking about staying here.
My advise is to let her do as she wants. She ll soon decide whats best for her.Sometimes you have to let them make their own mistakes...thats something ive learned from all of this.
Good luck in whatever you choose to do.
Janice x

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

How terrible for you!

Have you spoken to the "Helpful Other Parents?"... I would invite them over for a coffee and then explain your situation... I would probably point out and ask them how they would feel if the situation was reversed..try and get them onside and explain the whole situation, including asking them what would happen once the "honeymoon period" of the girls living together wore off and reality set in, that they have fallen out before and how did they intend to cope with that?... explain that you are going forever and that she might live with them for the next 10 years!! How are they going to cope with that too?! Seems to me that this other parents have not thought this one thru... you need to do this in a wise and sensible discussion else it might make things worse with your daughter..

At 17/18 friends are like the end of the world to teenagers... sadly, it is only as we get older that we realise that friends come and go and family is there for good (not always a good thing! LOL!)..

Other than that, I would suggest that you put your foot down and tell her she is coming... unless she rebels massively, it might do the trick ?

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

Hi Spellbound, we are in a similar situation to you although our son is now 21! We are hoping to be in Australia next year but no 3 son is adamant he is not coming with us. Fine you might say, but ....he is not working at the moment, he lives at home with us yet says he will "get a job and find somewhere to live without a problem!" He was working until recently but seems to be living in cloud cuckoo land as far as I can see! Refuses to sign on because "I'm not thick" and is doing casual work labouring, but doesn't seem to be any closer to getting a regular job.Don't get me wrong, he is not a bad lad, but with few qualifications and only having worked as a gardener, there is really not much for him in the UK at the moment. My hubby and I feel it would be the best thing for him if he came with us and had a new life. He could go to college to get landscaping qualifications etc. (Mind you, he could do that here I suppose if he were really that bothered about it). We put off moving abroad a few years ago because he was unhappy, so I am not going to change my mind about going to Aus this time. It is just the thought of leaving him behind to fend for himself that worries me. How will he pay his bills etc? I know that I can't make him come with us, I know that he needs to live his own life and so on, but I can't help worrying about it. (Maybe he has too comfortable a life here at the moment, I don't know) In the end I guess it is our decision whether to go and leave him behind or stay (and find he is still living with us when he's 30!:ohmy: I feel for you in your situation, don't know what to suggest for the best, maybe your daughter could come for an agreed period of time and if she doesn't like it, agree she can go back to NZ? But if she is like our son, she will be adamant she is not coming and we can't force them onto the plane....hope things work out ok for you. Aussie x

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

Hello,
Can I just say I really do feel for you and it must be heartbreaking :(
My only advice is that you have to hope that eventually she will come around as she is (almost) an adult there is not much you can do Im afraid.
You could always insist she is coming but then I think she would dig her heels in further.
Perhaps if you can try to gently persuade her about coming over for xmas, she will see how lovely it is and want to stay??
I know she says she doesnt like her sister but maybe she is juts saying this to hurt you as she is upset?? Maybe she could even talk to your younger daughter about how lovely it would be to spend xmas together etc and the weather will be gorgeous etc.
Sorry if Im not much help, just suggestions to try.
I hope you sort it out, sending hugs. :)

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

Don't force her to come with you. Let her make her own decisions and choices. If in time she realises she has made a mistake, she will join you and be happy.

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

I absolutely agree. With us it took just 3 months of one phone call a week telling her what we were up to etc and over she came!
It was hard her not being here but her being with us and being so unhappy was harder.
She said that she realised we were serious and staying and that thought frightened her. I think she was frightened of missing something!
Again,my advise would be to let her make her own decision. It may not be the one you want her to make but in the end it will work out and she will see her place is with you not her friends family.
Good luck.

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

They're all the same :frown:
Selfish little bar stewards the lot of 'em :mad:

My daughter buggered off to Perth just after we had settled in Melbourne from the UK.......no job, no money but off she went, and as she said - I couldn't stop her, and I either let her go and she'll keep in touch or one night she'll get up & go anyway and I wouldn't know where !
Cut the apron strings - they're like stray cats, they'll come back when they're hungry or grown up

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

Hi sorry to hear that I feel for you. We in a similar boat except mine is 12. We done the me parent you child so tough. Though to be fair we have spent the last 12 months trying to talk her round and so have her grandparents no joy.
I would be tempted to have a chat with other parents and be polite and friendly but be blunt because they were naughty I would be so mad at that grrr.
Be honest with daughter and also try a bit of bribery maybe she can have a car in Oz if she comes or lessons whatever you feel may work ( we promised dog) and yes I know its not right but hey we the moms sometimes you gotta be sneaky
and get the other parents to lok the bad guy not you so if you manage to talk them round make sure they dont cause daughter to blame you therefore be sneaky.
Tell her about all cool hunky guys etc
sorry not much help but I feeling for you

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

Hi

We have a similar situation. I have a 14yr old who is adament he does not want to move. I have tried telling him all the good things about moving but he is still saying he doesn't want to go. Basically, therefore i have told him he has no choice in the matter. We are not planning to move until he has finished school over here, as i dont want to disrupt his education, so have told him that if he gives it a try & still dislikes it when he's 18 ( giving him 18mths to 2 yrs to settle ) then he can return to the uk as there will be nothing i can do to stop him. I'm hoping he will love it as i will be heartbroken if he returns!!!! I've also promised that as soon as we get there he can learn to drive & we will buy him a car ( bribery goes a long way!!! ) I also have a 9yr old who cant wait to go & an 18yr old who wants to go but may not get on our visa because of his age. We have to prove that he is dependant on us, which he is as he is only an apprentice so on less than minimum wage.

It is so hard to convince them
Bev

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

Hi Debbie, So sorry to hear of the problems you have with your daughter refusing to move with you.
We have been in the same situation with our eldest son and it has been a year now and we have still put on hold moving, but am coming soon to the end of our visa time, so it will soon be crunch time on what to do.
Do you think your daughter could be punishing you by saying she will not move with you due to you not letting her move in with her friend, as our son gave us a hard time when we mentioned we were moving back.
You could always be short and sharp and state flatly that your moving and there will be a place in your home for her if she so wishes to come, and see what reaction that brings. It might shake her up to realise that you mean it and it gives her time to work out if she really wants to stay behind and will be able to surport herself.
I wish you all the best in sorting things out,
aus.

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

Hi Guys

Thank you so much for taking the time to offer advice and support. I know that there are so many of us either going through the sitution, been through a smilar situation or are coming out of the other side! I think this subject is never going to go away on BE.

We have tried everything mentioned. We are parents not friends, we have talked to her calmly, we have shouted, we have said she is coming and thats that, we have offered to support her as much as we can with buying her a car to help her settle but she is adament - she doesnt want to come.

Our normal bubbly teenage daughter has become severly depressed since we started to make arrangements to actually move. She has been suffering with anxiety, stress and having hullucinations and feelings of 'not being normal'. She is on sleeping tablets from the doctor after finding her crumpled on the floor and last night suffered a full blown panic attack. I am an adult and only ever suffered two of those in my lifetime and shes my precious 17 year old, beautiful girl.

With a heavy heart, I think we have decided to let her stay - I dont feel as though we have any other option. Either way we loose and if she is not willing to even try then what more can we do.

We are hoping to arrange a meeting with her friends parents and will be saying that we are not happy about leaving her behind because we are not, but at the end of the day I dont want to loose my daughter and pushing her, I feel - will.

Its tough remaining strong and positive and my best wishes go out to all of those who are going through a similar thing.

Debbie

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

Well for what its worth, I think you are doing the right thing even though it is heartbreaking... I am keeping my fingers crossed that as soon as you can get her to come out for a holiday she will see how fantastic is it and will want to join you

(((hugs)))

Em x

Re: Teenagers Refusing To Come!
 

This problem seems so sad, but as they get older and want to show their independence, is inevitable in many cases. Remember, from the majority of teenagers' point of view, the world revolves around them and their horizon extends as far as their friends and current experiences. Generally, only an adult's worldly experiences take in the greater picture and can see the possibilities, whereas a teenager sees the move as a threat to their small world

As a very old lady once said to me..... little children, little problems....big children, big problems!

Best of luck whatever tack you take!