lucy71

Hello

My family and I are pingponging back to oz in May or June this year. We're very excited about the move and looking forward to starting a new life back in Australia.

However, I've got one issue I need to resolve before we go.

How to tell my mum. gulp.

Should I do it face to face or over the phone?

The reason I'm asking for advice is that I'm hoping that there will be other people out there who've been in a similar situation with their parents!

I love my mum to bits and it's been great to spend time with her and for my son to get to build up a bond with his grandma. However, I'm dreading telling her about the impending move.

The reason for this is that she gave me such a lot of grief and hassle last time we lived in oz. I used to get constant texts asking me when I was going to move back, letters saying she was dead inside because I wasn't there, phonecalls with lots of tears on her side. It was really hard to deal with.

I made the mistake of telling her only a few weeks into our move over to oz that I didn't like it and wanted to come back. She never let go of this and always asked me when I was going to come back.

I didn't have the courage to tell her that I wasn't going to come back, that I was settled and enjoying my new life, so it kind of got worse and worse as I guess she had the expectation that I was going to move back!

(However, after a few months I felt a lot more settled and had two dream jobs to work in, and lived by the beach. Life was looking good!)

I'm sure I'm going to get people posting on here asking why I moved back to the UK if life was so good in oz. Complicated reasons: I fell preganant after only 1 year in oz, hadn't had time to build up a big frienship network by then so felt very isolated when the baby arrived, missed family support for the baby (however since returning there has been very little!), and also the feelings of guilt and emotional blackmail I had piled on me by mum when I lived out there were too much.

I just don't know if I should tell her by phone or go up to see her in person to tell her face to face without my son present?

I'm worried that she's going to react very badly and use her high blood pressure problems as leverage, maybe even try and get herself into such a worked up state that she could be in danger healthwise!

I'm also worried that she'll really upset my son, especially when we leave. He doesn't know about our move yet, I want to tell my mum before telling him, as he's bound to mention it to her otherwise!

I realize I'm running out of time to tell her but it's really making me feel very anxious and sick just thinking about it, as I really don't want all the emotional blackmail and guilt to continue when we move back this time and I know how upset she will be about us moving back.

I'm not a hard or callous person, I'm a mum too and I can see how much she will miss on seeing our son grow up etc, but I keep having to remind myself that we're doing this to give us all a chance of a healthier life with better opportunities for our son and us and our grandchildren too!

Many thanks in advance,
Lucy

Sally Simpson

Suggest face to face as really it is doing the right thing but have some suoorters with you.
Keep in mind that you are making this decision with the interests of your own immediate family at heart & it is not fair of her or anyone else to lay their guilt trip on you.
Best of luck

JenniGee

If it were me, I would book a babysitter for my son & then go with my OH to see her face to face.

I would also be telling her very clearly that she is not to manipulate or upset my son over this & that if she did, I would be thinking very carefully about when & how she sees him. This kind of over-emotional behaviour can be very damaging for children & the repercussions for you once you're abroad can be very difficult to deal with. To just give you a bit of how seriously this is taken...my Ex upset my daughters so much over the issue of moving abroad, that the Judge in our case censured him & banned him from speaking to the children about it at all.

But don't be bullied by her, because that is what this behaviour really is. If you & your OH, as adults have decided that is what you think is best for you & your family, then don't let her stand in your way. Be firm but kind, leave her lots of options to come & visit & stay in contact, but at the end of the day it's in her hands whether she takes those offers up & supports you in your decision, or stays bitter & unhappy.

Either way, you & your immediate family deserve to be happy.

Best of luck

RedT

Ugh, poor you! My sister and family were practically brow beaten into moving back to Ireland from the US largely due to weekly phonecalls from both sets of parents banging on about how much they were missing out etc. They moved back 9 years ago, novelty wore off after about a week and they regretted it ever since. They are now thinking about moving back to the US as they've had enough.

I reckon tell your mum on your own (ie without your son), with someone there to help in case things get hysterical. It's so so hard but you'll have to be firm, not take any blackmailing and point out that you did actually move back to the UK but it's not working for you and so you've made the adult decision to move back to Oz. There really is no easy way to deal with these situations, some of the stories on here of what was said by supposedly loving family members would make milk curdle.

Good luck, stay calm and you'll always get support on here when you need it.

Tx

Kapri

I would echo what others have said about telling her face to face; any other way is avoiding the issue and could make things worse in the long run.

I think it's important to be firm and consistent in what you're saying, because if she thinks she can see a chink in your armour she may go for the kill!

Be kind though...after all, she loves you and is worried about losing you.

Good luck

stacey31

hi
i know how you feel , my father-in-law , didnt talk to us properly when we told him we wanted to live in australia he was the only one to give us problems, we got our visas nearly 3 years ago now, were putting our house on the market around july to see what happens, but we are not telling him till last minute when everything is packed, one, we cant go through that again and two saves all the upset on both sides.

everyone has such different ways to do things, but its so mean for anyone to make you feel that guilty.

what can you deal with ? seeing her face to face , or talk over the phone so you dont have to look at her,, do whats best for you not your mum sometimes you need to think whats the best way for you to do it.

sorry for waffling

Petals

I would just do what is best for your family and by that I mean your children and oh, no extended family.

I am a baby boomer and I must say I am really disappointed that this generation seems to continue to be selfish and think that they are the centre of the world.

We do not own children they are individual from the day they are born and as parents we have them on loan for a while, not for life. Children are not born to look after us, we look after them.

I have just been discussing this on another forum and you have to stand up and be counted with Mums. My mum left her mum and moved away without a blink of an eye, so when she gave me some problems I reminded her of that.

I say give support, we love them after all, arrange support but live your own life.

These days we have communication at our fingertips. In my early life we did not have that and even if one lived in another town it was difficult to keep in touch.

Stop feeling guilty people.

suebrennan

Yes I am with Sally Claire here and do it face to face but I would probably put it off for as long as possible until everything is finalised if you want to avoid extra grief. Best of luck with your move.

Sue

lucy71

Hello

Thanks so much everyone for your replies, this forum is the best place for chatting to people who really do understand where you're coming from!

I've decided that I'm going to go up for a short weekend visit weekend on my own after next (2nd week in March) to see her.

She's on her own now (got divorced 10 years ago and financially in a very bad place, still has to work at age of 63 to pay the mortgage off) and doesn't really go out so has no new partner. My sister and brother live nearby however so I don't feel as if I'm totally abandoning her as she sees them and her grandchildren very often.

Because she's in such dire straits financially, I don't know if she can afford to come out to visit us. She doesn't have internet connection (she can't afford it she says) so we wouldn't have skype to keep in touch with her. We couldn't afford to pay for her to fly out however as we are stretched for cash as it is with the move.

I'm going to arrange for my sister (who lives locally with her two children), her partner and my brother who also lives locally to come round for dinner on the saturday night, I'll cook us all a nice meal and then I'll tell them all the news.

Gulp!

My OH will stay home and look after our LO, I really don't want him to see my mum getting upset.

Hopefully, my plan is that if I make the announcement in front of everyone, she can't go too hysterical about it although I'm expecting the worst.

I think telling her over the phone is a bit harsh, easier for me but not the nicest or kindest way to do it. I also don't want her to be able to hang up on me, I want to have a real conversation with her face to face about why we are ping ponging back etc etc.

I think once I get it all out in the open I'll feel better about it all.

The intended move isn't too far away now (end of May or June at the moment) so need to get my skates on and tell her soonish or will run out of time....

Thanks for all the advice everyone, I'll keep you posted on how it goes...

lol Lucy

justinehelen

Hi

I really feel for you as we too are ping ponging back to Oz in the autumn of this year after being back in the UK for nearly 2 years. My Mum is nice about us going but the worst thing is that her and my Dad will be without any children or grandchildren in the UK as my sister is also in Oz. Don't feel guilty, at least you have your sister and brother here in the UK to look after your Mum. Sometimes in life we just have to do what we feel is best. We have decided that Australia is just so much better in terms of the weather and lifestyle for young children. Good luck with the move, where are you moving to?

bluekipper

Good Luck Lucy, will be thinking of you, be brave!!!!

Bluekipper

Alfresco

Good luck Lucy. Sounds like a good way to tell her.

Lyx

Yeah good luck Lucy, let us know how it all goes.

stacey31

hope it all goes well for you.