neal

Have just read Janeyray's post and I do completely agree-most peoples parents have worked hard emotionally and physically for their children all their lives and are now desperately sad to see them go to the other side of the world.More than a thought for how hard it is for them to be left behind ,and miss out on grandchildren growing up especially ,is essential and should come naturally to all of us who love our parents and don't want to see them unhappy....BUT...and this is only my opinion....they should equally want us to be happy and live our lives to the full and should feel a great sense of acheivement that their children are emotionally,physically and financially sound enough to contemplate such a huge life change-surely the biggest compliment to any parent is this??
I have a daughter-I miss her every day even whilst only at school and can't imagine not having her in my life every day.I tell her I miss her and it is the right of every parent to tell their children how they feel about them whether that makes us feel guilty or not.BUT we're not talking normal expression of feelings here-we seem to be on a completely different(and in my opinion unhealthy)level.The things that the parents/in-laws have been saying to those on this thread are totally controlling and hurtful.My parents are desperately sad that I'm going but they've managed to express that without crushing guilt-trips/with-holding of affection/with-drawing of favours or help/silent treatment/nastiness etc etc the list goes on if you read this ,and previous threads on this subject.The parents who demanded their sons Uni.fees back because he wanted to emigrate-the"after all I've done for you"train of thought-that can't be right surely???
I don't profess to have any idea of how it must feel to be the ones left behind-it must be utterly heartbreaking and I think those feeling this way should be shown much sensitivity.But it works both ways and I have been shocked at the way a lot of peoples families have treated them over their news to emigrate-I don't think the things that have been said and done are acceptable however much hurt is being experienced.
I suppose I seem quite hard on this subject-I'm not,I cry most nights at the thought of leaving people I love(HRT might help on this one!!)but our parents have made choices in their lives that suited them.My husbands mum remarried someone he didn't get on with and moved him down from Liverpool to The midlands which is a million miles to a 15 yr old boy,but it was what was best for her at the time and she had to live her life for herself.What we're all doing is surely the same thing-making choices that suit us but not necessarily those around us?
I won't waffle on you'll be pleased to know...I think I've made my point...!!!Mrs.Neal

Bix da Boss

Hi Jill
Just read your post.
I know how you feel! I've written about this to other members of the site - when I told my Mum about 2 1/2 months ago she reacted really badly, floods of tears, soul destroying comments etc. Then just point blank refused to discuss it with us, pretending it wasn't happening!

So over the weeks every so often, I've tried to bring our conv. round to Australia but without much success! BUT things are looking up! cause when I saw her today I finally got her round to talking about it for the first time, couldn't belive it actually! She even looked interested rather than distraught, and wanted to know where in Australia we would be going!! Could she finally be trying to accept it I wonder - I hope so as it will be great to be able to discuss different aspects of our potential move with her.

It is a very difficult process but hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel and eventually most parents/family members do come to terms with the fact that one of their loved ones is emigrating.

I am sure, if poss. the more you can talk about it the better for all,
as it helps to ease the 'I feel crap about this' feeling!!

Cheers
Gill

Ailsa

I have been on both sides of this fence. In the mid 60's I emigrated to Canada with my first husband. I was the eldest daughter and mother's favourite and although she was upset she knew it was a better chance than we could have in the UK at that time ( the Great British professional brain drain) What affected me most was to see my father in tears as we left by train. He was ex-Army and had gone off on duty every couple of years leaving us behind to cope. MY mother was stoic as she had learnt to be.

Well, for various reasons we returned after two years but never regretted going. Two year working holiday and 25% to put down on a house when other young couples were getting 95% mortgages.

Some 25 yrs later my daughter emigrated to NZ a few days after her wedding. I was personally devastated, like a bereavement is the best I can describe it but like my mother I knew it was best for them. I would even have supported her joining her fiance in NZ to get married and save the cost of his return trip home for that.

Yes. it makes me realise how my parents felt all those years back. I still hurt most every day because she is so far away, and it is over 8 yrs now and I have seen her 4 times. Twice we went to NZ, two trips home for them.

They have their own house, bought after 3 yrs renting a tiny flat/unit, both have good jobs. Even with a degree and post-graduate diploma she could not get a job here.

Will they ever return? Probably not. Will I ever emigrate to NZ myself? Maybe, but certainly not to live on her doorstep.

If you believe it is right for you and your family, you go for it, it is your turn now!!!! The relatives will survive.

For those of you who have moved already or about to, how about setting up up your family with a basic PC and internet and email and webcam. Get the 9 yr old grandson to show them how to use it

Vegemite Kids

absolutely 100% agree

Bix da Boss

[Quote:
For those of you who have moved already or about to, how about setting up up your family with a basic PC and internet and email and webcam. Get the 9 yr old grandson to show them how to use it [/QUOTE]

Hi
Good posting!
I would hope we would support our two sons if they wanted to move to another country in the future, especially if it could help their careers and family life.

Re your point made above - this is something I have tried to approach with my Mum and Sister but neither of them will entertain the idea of having a PC as they are not into anything slightly electronic !

We are the only ones in our family to have a PC (two in fact) and have even offered to give them one on departure but they are still not interested - one of them might change their minds if it does happen I suppose. I could probably win my sister around eventually.

I hope so as it would be a good way of communication for us apart from the telephone!

More important things to worry about at the moment though like getting a visa, then selling our house!

Gill

Go Banana's !!

Hi
Good posting!
I would hope we would support our two sons if they wanted to move to another country in the future, especially if it could help their careers and family life.

Re your point made above - this is something I have tried to approach with my Mum and Sister but neither of them will entertain the idea of having a PC as they are not into anything slightly electronic !

We are the only ones in our family to have a PC (two in fact) and have even offered to give them one on departure but they are still not interested - one of them might change their minds if it does happen I suppose. I could probably win my sister around eventually.

I hope so as it would be a good way of communication for us apart from the telephone!

More important things to worry about at the moment though like getting a visa, then selling our house!

Gill
[/QUOTE]

Hi Guys

MMMmmm tried the PC thing with Mother too, even offered to buy her one with a web cam. But she said she didn't want to see her granddaughter if she couldn't hug her ...............that my friends just sliced my heart in two.

Today I feel selfish, yesterday I felt crap and tommorrow who knows ........ a regular roller coaster that's me.

Jill

Bix da Boss

Hi Guys
MMMmmm tried the PC thing with Mother too, even offered to buy her one with a web cam. But she said she didn't want to see her granddaughter if she couldn't hug her ...............that my friends just sliced my heart in two.

Today I feel selfish, yesterday I felt crap and tommorrow who knows ........ a regular roller coaster that's me.


It certainly is a rollercoaster of emotions Jill!
The word 'hug' rings a bell! She actually said, "If I cant see you anymore than thats it I dont want to know any of you anymore, might as well be dead"!

So you can imagine how relieved I was today when my Mum was actually willing to talk about Australia - it felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders!
I treaded very carefully and started the conversation with 'I know you dont want to think about it Mum, but' and went on from there,we made fun of all the stories about spiders and other nasties of OZ and that broke the ice - started discussing all sorts after that.

I will still be a bit scared to approach the subject with her again but hopefully it will be slightly easier next time. It did appear that she is trying to come to terms with it at last which is a massive thing for her to do!! Fingers crossed!!

Gill
:scared:

shedu

You are absolutely right - my Sister has the type of lifestyle that would sell millions if I could get it all in a book. One crisis to another, I think she considers herself one of lifes victims and of course it is always someone elses fault!!

You should have heard the conversation when she suddenly informed me she was going to be at the airport when we leave :scared: OMG that was a real battle. However I managed to put her off by deliberately booking the flight for a day I knew she should be working, as late in the day as possible and THEN threatened her with the fact that my in-laws will also be there!!

Deep joy!!

neal

Hi go bananas-how did it go with your mum today?Did the new approach work??We have the in-laws coming for dinner tomorrow night so any feedback appreciated!!!Hope you had a nice day.Mrs.Neal

teach

I really do feel for all of you and it makes me realise how lucky I am. When I told my dad, he did the lip quiver and I thought OMG he's going to cry but as he always does when he gets sad news he pulled himself together very quickly and dived into the conversation about where we would live etc. It took me nearly 3 months to pluck up the guts to tell my mum. In the year before our decision, my parents separated and my mum moved to a new house in a totally different area. But even with all this turmoil in her life her response was fantastic. I would be a liar if I said she didn't even cry because she did, but it was mixed emotions that caused her to do this. She was happy for us but sad at the same time. But as she has always said I have to live my life as she has lived hers as she wanted. I really do hope all of you manage to get a positive response from your parents before you emigrate. Even though they don't read this I would like to thank my parents for the support they are giving us. I wish you all, the best of luck in the world.

Sarah

walaj

the saga that is my inlaws and what my mother does (I put the phone down on her today after what she said) could keep the writer in corrie/eastender etc going for years - however I think truth is stranger than fiction. :scared:

the thing is they don't even know about our plans and Australia - part of me thinks that they will be ok with it, but after today my thoughts are that I might have to seek counselling from you lot

Pollster

Our door is always open!

walaj

thanks poll - I did resist the bottle of champagne that was delivered today - 1) it was not chilled, 2) I got to drive later and 3) champer is suppose to celebrate stuff

Go Banana's !!

hi Mrs Neal

Trouble is I loose track of which threads I've posted on and by the time I realise they are 6 pages back.

Thanks for being interested !

Well the new approach sort of worked in the sense that we didn't have a slanging match in the middle of John Lewis (which happens on a regular basis, is soooooooooooo embarrassing and has me feeling like a 5 year old).

She apologised for being miserable ! and said she'd changed her mind about leaving this area and, again would consider Oz if it was an option for her.
This is partly in response to her speaking to her nephew, who's a bit of a womaniser - 50 - not married but has lived in all four corners of the globe (globe - round - no corners?) Anyway he said - the usual good luck to them and why don't you go, you daft mare - or words to that effect.

So really don't quite know what to make of it all, changes like the wind, so next week could be a different story.

We had our xrays today - god that's easy money £110 for the two of us and done in 5 mins flat !

Hope you are all well in the Neal household and no nightmares around the corner :scared:

Jill

neal

Mrs.Neal here after an afternoon/evening with the in-laws("we might aswell be dead if you're emigrating").Thankfully they go home when we put our daughter to bed so it's all over early!!
Tried the "upfront"approach ie:talking about houses etc in OZ regardless of the atmosphere and it was quite interesting.We were verging on disaster (akin to walking on nails)when the conversation turned to how they were going to get our daughters birthday/Christmas presents to her.Chancing my arm(and several other parts of my anatomy)I suggested that maybe they could bring them out themselves and have a 6 week holiday into the bargain(being the outspoken kind of gal that I am)...initial response-not good(quote)"oh as easy as that...",to which I replied(in " I'm taking hRT now and can be REALLY patient about this mode" )"I didn't say it was easy but we'd love you to come and are as upset about not seeing you as you are at not seeing us".I also made the point that I also hate flying(mother-in-laws reason for not coming out)but it's a bloody long walk.Follow this with an awkward silence and you get the picture.
However a surprising turn of events resulted from this rather risky approach and M-I-L turned to F-I-L and said"would you get on a plane and go?",to which he said a BIG YES straightaway!!!This did throw her as she looked a bit unsure of herself after that SO we think the first seeds have been sown.
Thankgoodness.
Time for a long lie down in a hugely dark room....there is hope..
Mrs.N