Parent Nightmare 4 - The Return
 

For those of you who have followed us poor souls with 'difficult parents' - here is my update.....

Mother has just rung me in floods of tears, telling me she has just realised that we are going and that she is going to move back (she moved from the Northwest to be nearer us 2 years ago - that was fun telling her we were going to Oz).

She said she has no-one here and wants to be with her friends. I feel totally crap, as she has focused her life around me and misses her friends badly. She's been a fab help to me while I have worked and I couldn't have done it without her. Strangly I won't miss her as we are not emotionally close. This should feel like the best result for me, as she will be with all her firends and I won't worry so much that she will be missing us.

So why do I feel so crap ?

Jill
:(

Re: Parent Nightmare 4 - The Return
 

hi jill
its some sort of special talent that only parents have (my kids arent old enouigh for me to try it out yet!!) Im not close to my mum but she has an uncanny knack of making me feel crap and guilty when there is absolutely no need to!!!
Call her bluff and gush about how wonderful it is she feels able to uproot and move, just like you are doing, to make a better life for herself!! Tell her you are soooo releived she will be ok and back in the bossom of her pals!!!!
Then have a very large gin and smile, telling yourself you have nothing to feel bad about!!

sue
:D

Re: Parent Nightmare 4 - The Return
 

I know its not quite the same but I feel the same about my sister. We are not particularly close but she is making me feel like I am leaving her in total dire straits. She is married with 2 kids and at most I only ever saw her twice a year but suddenly she rings in tears telling me she will really miss me and how can I expect her to ever be able to save enough money to visit me!!!

The sad thing is that I know she is in a violent relationship - he gets drunk then gets violent. She kicked him out a few months back, reported it to the police and told him never to contact her again. He did exactly that and stopped all the harassing phone calls, following her to work and sending letters and all of a sudden she misses him so much & cannot live without him. Rings him up, goes out for a meal, they have a long talk and within 2 weeks he is back living with them. Oh it will be different this time she says - he has admitted he has a problem with alcohol and they will go to counselling. ( Not managed to get an appt yet though!!). His behaviour towards her worsened after our Dad died (he used to go and stay with her every 2 weeks), I have a grave feeling that once he knows I am not able to go running up there next time she has a crisis that his behaviour will worsen again.

I can't help you with your Mum but maybe knowing others are having similar problems will make you feel less horrible. I keep telling myself that it is my life, she has chosen her pathway and I must choose mine!!! Its all added grief though isn't it???

Good luck!!

Hey TWT - isn't that the best possible result for you?

Mum will be back with her friends in a place she calls home - and therefore won't be calling you every five minutes to say how lonely she is and how she moved to live near you and now you have left her *sob*

It was her choice to come and live near you - you didn;t force her, promise that would be next door for the rest of your life or anything else that would force you to stay.

Making your kids feel guilty is something Mum's specialise in - even if they don't mean to!

I would enthuse madly, offer to help her househunt and do everything you can to get her up there with her mates before you go so she is settled and you can stop worrying about her.

Have a drink and think 'well - doesn't everything always work out for the best in the end!!'

Think yourself lucky - my mum is in NZ at the moment and has taken it upon herself to go to the town we are moving to tomorrow so she can tell us all about it and suss out houses for us ( and for herself, I am putting an educated guess at) ARRRRRRRRGHGHGHGH
:scared:

Guilt trips aarrrgghhhh
 

Hi Jill-I'm with Pollster on this one.Act dumb(I personally don't find that too hard),pretend you're unaware etc etc.it's easy after a bit-we've been doing it for a while with hubbys parents(" wait till we die before you go" ,"I might aswell be dead"-I'm sure you remember....).Not the way we'd like it to be of course but all the family out there who are behaving like this are as selfish as we are for emigrating in the first place.In my opinion.....for what it's worth....;) :D
If guilt persists alcohol is definately the answer:rolleyes: Mrs Neal

Thanks to all above, knew Pollster and Tired with Twins Sue would come to the rescue and Mrs Neal the star who has a worse time than me on several quaters, is always there to make me feel better.
I recon we should have an agony corner, Shedu would keep us enthralled !!!
After my first post I rang Mother and taking her to Newcastle shopping on Wednesday and will try the new approach. After she's fainted because I'm not begging her to stay, she'll probably say something along the lines of "So you want me to go then" - nothing I haven't faced before - families heh!!! I'm always so submissive , perhaps this is the dawn of the new me.

Jill
:)

Hey, my parent came out with cracker yesterday.

They have just come back from a back to back Caribean (spelling?) cruise which they do at least once a year. Oh and they also have another 5-6 holidays a year as well as a place in France which they visit every other weekend.

They said that if we moved to NZ they couldnt afford to visit us? :rolleyes:

I didnt say anything, but I did laugh.

Jack

Like many we have had all the emotional blackmail thrown at us recently. The last gem being a type written letter from my parent's in law stating how wrong we were to go to Aus.

I was very upset for my husband, but he said they had had their say so let them get on with it, it won't change our minds.

I spoke to a very gobsmacked mum in law when she enquired on the phone, later that week, had we received their letter and I sweetly replied yes and swiftly changed the subject.

It will be interesting to see what is thrown at us next!!!

Re: Parent Nightmare 4 - The Return
 

Focus on all the positive things you have said about her in this post and tell her how "fab"she has been!
:) :)

I remember when my sister announced she was marrying an Aussie and staying in Oz. My parents dramatised that they'd probably only see her one more time in their lifetime. Since then they've been to Australia 6 times, for 5-6 weeks at a time and she's been back 3 or 4 times!

GB, I sympathise - everyone else has offered great advice, so I will just add keep your chin up, stay focused on your goals, and don't let your mum bring you down too much. She will be OK, but as others have said, they have a tendency to be emotional. Of course she will be upset but deep down she would probably never want to hold you back from achieving your dreams. (She'd probably feel incredibly guilty if you turned round and said you weren't going because of her!)

HP

I agree with everyone else, be strong and remember all the reasons why you decided to emigrate in the first place.

Sorry, I meant Hey Go Banana's not hey TWT at the beginning of my post - going bananas myself :rolleyes:

Glad the advice helped tho'!

My mother lives round the corner from me, but she still rings me and I ring her. However if its 'my turn' to ring her (yes, we apparently have turns!) and I dont, I get the most awful response! She will ring me the following day and say things like 'I thought you had forgotten my number' etc.....(She actually walks past my house on her way home from the bus stop, and she goes to town on the bus practically everyday. Does she call in? does she...!!!! I often hear the kids shouting 'momma' at the window, and when I look out she s disappearing round the corner!!!!!)
When she is on one of her 'I never see my grandchildren/you never call' calls I hold the phone away from my ear and pull loopy faces at the kids or my partner - makes me feel much better!! Try it some time!!!!

sue
:D :D :D

Parents can make something that is already an emotional event worse withiut trying hard.
We weren't really close to our respective parents (ie we phoned them often but didn't live in each others pockets) and thought that we would be ok when it came to saying the goodbyes etc. My parents didn't take the news of us moving too well so I've not seen/spoken to my mum since September and I spoke to my dad in December and he said he did't want to know when we were going:( Dave's family was a different story though. I was shocked at how upset I felt and I know Dave was. It was short lived though but that first phone call to them after we got here was hard. His dad is still really upset and tells us in a roundabout way on the phone but we know they are happy for us and they will hopefully be coming out to see us next year and see for themselves what it is like here.

Don't let parents influence your decisions. You only usually get one shot at life and you have to live it for you and your family. Its hard whilst you are going through all the family traumas but well worth it in the end (well we think so anyway)

Claire

I think you should make the most of the time you have with your parents and relatives while you are still in the UK. It's easy to say they will come and see you at least twice a year, but to many people this isn't a possibility.

I know many people on here say they squabble with their parents and aren't really close but when you get here you may realise how much you do actually miss them?

I do agree you can't let them rule your lives but I'am sure most are only thinking about you and they will miss out on grandchildren growing up etc... so spare a thought for how you would feel if your children left you behind when you are older?

Don't let moving here put a rift between you and your parents, after all they have done their best for you haven't they? well most of them have anyway:D