Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

In a vain attempt to liven up a drab saturday night, im going to tell a joke, but the deal is we all need to tell jokes so come on and pass on your funniest jokes.....Lets brighten up tonight.

Man and his wife go to the doctor, after the doctor has examined the wife he says " well ive got some terrible news, your wife is extremeley ill, she has either aids or alzheimas". Man asks "well how we will know". Doctor replies "put her on the bus, if she comes home then dont F*** her. :D

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Theres this guy walking round the supermarket when he notices a good looking blond smiling at him

Mmm he thinks shes familiar I know her from somewhere

The blond approaches him and says
hallo your the father of one of my children

Christ he thinks remembering his stag night
Youre the stripper arent you the one I had sex with on the pool table whilst the lads lashed me with celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar*e?

No ( looking horrified ) Im your sons English teacher she replied

Regards

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Oh! We have found the level now!! lol
lace

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

NEWSFLASH!!!!!!!
The planned cricket tour of Pakistan will go ahead!
The pakistani cricket board insist they can dig up a team from somewhere

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

it always finds its own level :D

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

hope youve got a hard hat mate

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

oh dear!

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

women eh
boob jobs, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys. Eyebrows plucked, bikini lines & legs waxed, & they wont take it up the arse because it HURTS

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

ooo f**k i hope you have a hard hat too mate :D :D

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

PMSL Quality!

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

I can never remember jokes, and if I do I tend to spoil them by accidentally telling the punchline before the joke is finished :rolleyes: :D

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

15 blokes chase a Iraqi through Mcdonalds and beat the shit out of him. A witness was asked why he didnt help, he said to be honest i thought 15 was enough

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Lol

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Thought of a joke that would probably be funnier in Oz due to the accent.

What do you call an Italian Astronaut?
A specimen!

All the best adult jokes I tend to hear is when I am heavily p155ed so can never remember those! :beer:

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Two nuns are sitting in the traffic waiting for the lights to change when suddenly a vampire appears in front of them. ‘Oh sister, what shall we do?’ stammers the younger nun. ‘Do not worry,’ came the reply. ‘Show him your cross.’ The younger nun winds down the windscreen and yells, ‘**** off, you little twat!’

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner
together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made
love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round
there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,
and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other
for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt,
takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's
hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex
imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on
the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on
the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their
clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly
amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As
the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must
have been having sex for at least forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence."
:D

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

There were three rottweilers in the waiting room at the vet’s surgery, and after a while they got talking. ‘I was out walking with my master,’ says the first one, ‘when a thug attacked him, so I chased the guy, caught him by the throat and savaged him to death. That’s why I’m here to be put down.’ ‘I was in the house,’ began the second dog, ‘when a burglar broke in and tried to nick the TV. So I pinned him to the floor, bit his arm off, and now I’m here to be put down.’ The third rottweiler then started his story. ‘I was patrolling the house one evening, and I wandered into the bathroom to see my master’s wife naked, bending over the tub, so I leapt up and gave her a good seeing-to from behind.’ ‘What, and you’re being put down for that?’ Oh, no. I’m just here to get my claws clipped.’

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Pmsl


Pmsl Again And Again


Lol Lol

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Blondes

A blonde pushes her car into a petrol station.
She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
she says, "How often do I have to do that?"

A blonde in Brisbane asks her friend, "whats nearest, the Moon or Melbourne"
"Hello said Sharon, can you see Melbourne from here"

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

I've remembered one at last! Not saying it's any good mind :rolleyes:

Man: Doctor, I have a problem. Every time I fart it makes a noise that sounds like 'Honda'

Doctor: take off your trousers, bend over, and I will examine you.

The man takes off his trousers and bends over.

Doctor: Ah I see....I know what the problem is.....

The man looks worried

Doctor: You have an abscess

Man: What does that mean?

Doctor: Well abscess makes the fart go honda

Tada...

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Year 6AB were sat in class for the first time in the new school year in Sydney.

The teacher, Ms Simpson said: "Right class, we're going to find out a little bit about each other. First of all, I want everyone to tell us what their dads do for a living."

The children start describing what their dads do for a living. Little Tyler said: "My dad works as a nuclear scientist."

Sharon said: "My dad has his own engineering company." Russell said: "My Dad's a doctor."

When it comes to Billy, he stays quiet for a few seconds until Ms Simpson encourages him to tell the class what his father does for a living.

Billy said: "My Dad gets dressed up in tight rubber clothes, goes to a bar where there's loads of other men and dances in front of them. Sometimes he'll take his clothes off and if the men pay him enough sometimes he'll go home with them and be nice with them."

Shocked, Ms Simpson decides the children need a break and suggests they go outside to the playground. On his way out Billy is stopped by Ms Simpson who can't hide her dismay.

"Oh Billy, I didn't know that's what your dad did for a living."

Billy replies. "I was lying miss, he doesn't really do that. He plays cricket for Australia but I was too embarrassed to say."

R

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Two nuns on bikes peddling through the streets of Rome heading for the vatican...

One nun turns to the other saying "I've never come this way before"

The other nun turns to her with a grin and replies with a wink "I know...its the cobblestones!!"

:D

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

1. Man walks into a bar with some asphalt under his arm.

He says to the bartender, one for me and one for the road

2. Man walks into a bar - ouch!

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

vari fennou ;) :D

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.



The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said . . .



"Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and he closed the door.

:D

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

this is a long one but also of an ossie theme :)
enjoy...

steve

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
> newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers'
Compensation
> board.
>
> This is a true story.
>
> Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for
sure.......
>
> Dear Sir,
> In response to your request for additional information in Block 3
of the
> accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
accident.
> You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will
> be sufficient.
>
> I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working
> alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my
work, I
> found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to
> be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down
by hand
> I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was
attached
> to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope
at
> ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
loaded the
> bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly
> to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
>
> You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
135lbs.
> Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my
> presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I
> proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the
vicinity of
> the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding
downward at an
> equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor
> abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the
> accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid
ascent,
> not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles
deep
> into the pulley.
>
> Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and
was able
> to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience
pain.
>
> At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit
the
> ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of
> the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you
again to
> my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the
side of
> the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming
> up.
>
> This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several
> lacerations of my legs and lower body. Then my luck began to change
> slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough
to lessen
> my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately
only three
> vertebrae were cracked.
>
> I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in
> pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of
mind and
> let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin
its
> journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
>
> I hope this answers your inquiry.
>
> Kind Regards,
>
>
>
> Australian Bricklayer's Accident Report
> Printed in the newsletter of the Workers' Compensation board.
> (Kontraband ref : K2035)
>

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Thought i would send you all these jokes what i get off my mate in UK..


A little boy is lost in a shop crying, where,s my mummy!!!! he cries

The security guard asks him "whats your mummy like?

The little boy replies "big cocks and vodka"

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Scroll down to see Santas willy




















Act your friggin age there is no Santa

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Lord before i lay me down to sleep, i pray for a man who,s not a creep, 1 who is handsome, smart and strong, 1 who,s willy is thick and long, oh send me a man who makes love to my mind, knows what to say when i ask "how bigs my behind"? and as i kneel and pray by my bed, i look at the wanker you sent me instead, AMEN...

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Friendship is like pissing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth. Thankyou for being the piss in my pants....


Not really a joke but its a gud un to send to a mate...

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

The vagina is the best rehabilitation centre in the world, even the most hardest and violent of pricks come out, soft, humble and reduced in size..

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

nun sitting on a train minding her own business
on gets a young lad eating a bag of prawns
the young lad keeps throwing the prawn heads at the nun
the nun throws them out the window
then stands up and pulls the emergency cord
the lad says 'stupid ****** youll get done for that'
the nun says 'your the stupid ****** ! your the one that will get done when i shout rape and they smell your f*****g fingers d***head'

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: :D



MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnocologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

Ever noticed how all of women's problems start with MEN? :D

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Paddy's doing Very well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire"

He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 million
POUNDS.

"Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber?

Was it -
A, Ronnie Barker
B, Ronnie O'Sullivan
C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it
D, Ronnie Biggs???"
Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris" Chris reminds him that
he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"

"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris. "No t'anks, Oi'll take de
money - foinal answer"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and
gentlemen, Paddy goes away with  £500,000. However before you go, you'll
obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"

"You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"
Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no ****** grass!".

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

Jacko Joke
 

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael?
"Excuse me, but you're in my son"

Check this site out:

http://www.boreme.com/

After you've laughed at all the other stuff just search for jokes especially the Jacko ones.

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

HERnia.

nuff said ;) :p :D

A :)

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

So I rang up Telstra, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Re: Joke Time !!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Is that the best you can do :D nah nah nah nah nah :D