I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
#31
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
So, the house has sold and my mother is so completely crushed she cannot talk to me or my children at the moment. Not because she is sulking but because she is constantly in tears and finding it very hard to cope. I am struggling so much. I'm not sure I can go with the guilt of my mums breakdown hanging over me
#32
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
So, the house has sold and my mother is so completely crushed she cannot talk to me or my children at the moment. Not because she is sulking but because she is constantly in tears and finding it very hard to cope. I am struggling so much. I'm not sure I can go with the guilt of my mums breakdown hanging over me
I think you need to try and stay positive and let some of that rub off on your mum. Make sure she's set up on Skype, etc.
Once you're there, and she realises life goes on, it will get better.
#33
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,217
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
Just reread the thread to remind myself of the situation and would stand by my last post on the matter. Your mum is not elderly and she is not being left alone, she is being manipulative and childish. If she can't talk to you right now, so be it. Tell her you will talk to her when she is ready. Don't indulge her.
Agree. She should be supporting you and not making it harder. Yes it will be devastating but she is making it much much harder for the children than need be..
#34
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
Hi chaps,
So....getting closer to our move to brissie now. And I can think about is reasons why not to go!
I have posted on here previously about my mum's heartbreak at us leaving....well a couple of days ago we had a heart to heart and she begged me to look at other options saying she can't cope with us being the otherside of the world. I know I am breaking her heart and wonder if I will ever be able to live with it....my kids want to go but they are also devasted that they are leaving their beloved nanny here. sigh.......
I don't suppose it helps that I have read alot of posts on here recently from those that have already moved about how they have lost a loved one in the UK and how heartbreaking it is to be so far away.
I seriously need a kick up the butt because I can't think of the great reasons to go only the one reason to stay We either stay to save mum from heartbreak or try something we have always wanted to.
I have no either emotional ties here only my mum....but it seems like a big one at the moment...where has my 'live for the moment and life is an adventure' outlook gone?
Mav x
So....getting closer to our move to brissie now. And I can think about is reasons why not to go!
I have posted on here previously about my mum's heartbreak at us leaving....well a couple of days ago we had a heart to heart and she begged me to look at other options saying she can't cope with us being the otherside of the world. I know I am breaking her heart and wonder if I will ever be able to live with it....my kids want to go but they are also devasted that they are leaving their beloved nanny here. sigh.......
I don't suppose it helps that I have read alot of posts on here recently from those that have already moved about how they have lost a loved one in the UK and how heartbreaking it is to be so far away.
I seriously need a kick up the butt because I can't think of the great reasons to go only the one reason to stay We either stay to save mum from heartbreak or try something we have always wanted to.
I have no either emotional ties here only my mum....but it seems like a big one at the moment...where has my 'live for the moment and life is an adventure' outlook gone?
Mav x
#35
Auntie Fa
Joined: Nov 2006
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7,344
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
Will you stay? Who knows? Some people do not. But I hope that your mother comes to her senses and leaves you to it, and doesn't carry on this emotional blackmail she's laying on you to the extent that you can't settle.
My mother was a shocker - every little set back we had, she wanted us to "come home". In a few months we'll have been gone ten years, and we are "home".
#36
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
well I'm shocked! what a way to treat your kids she should be putting a brave front on and breaking down after you have gone!
maybe its time to blackmail back
ask her if she wants the kids to remember her as a fun granny or a weeping wailing mess who they will be sure to avoid on future visits home!
maybe its time to blackmail back
ask her if she wants the kids to remember her as a fun granny or a weeping wailing mess who they will be sure to avoid on future visits home!
#37
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
Hi chaps,
So....getting closer to our move to brissie now. And I can think about is reasons why not to go!
I have posted on here previously about my mum's heartbreak at us leaving....well a couple of days ago we had a heart to heart and she begged me to look at other options saying she can't cope with us being the otherside of the world. I know I am breaking her heart and wonder if I will ever be able to live with it....my kids want to go but they are also devasted that they are leaving their beloved nanny here. sigh.......
I don't suppose it helps that I have read alot of posts on here recently from those that have already moved about how they have lost a loved one in the UK and how heartbreaking it is to be so far away.
I seriously need a kick up the butt because I can't think of the great reasons to go only the one reason to stay We either stay to save mum from heartbreak or try something we have always wanted to.
I have no either emotional ties here only my mum....but it seems like a big one at the moment...where has my 'live for the moment and life is an adventure' outlook gone?
Mav x
So....getting closer to our move to brissie now. And I can think about is reasons why not to go!
I have posted on here previously about my mum's heartbreak at us leaving....well a couple of days ago we had a heart to heart and she begged me to look at other options saying she can't cope with us being the otherside of the world. I know I am breaking her heart and wonder if I will ever be able to live with it....my kids want to go but they are also devasted that they are leaving their beloved nanny here. sigh.......
I don't suppose it helps that I have read alot of posts on here recently from those that have already moved about how they have lost a loved one in the UK and how heartbreaking it is to be so far away.
I seriously need a kick up the butt because I can't think of the great reasons to go only the one reason to stay We either stay to save mum from heartbreak or try something we have always wanted to.
I have no either emotional ties here only my mum....but it seems like a big one at the moment...where has my 'live for the moment and life is an adventure' outlook gone?
Mav x
It is hard, my dad has just refused to talk about it and my stepmum thinks its all great to tell everyone that one of her daughters is moving to Aus (pathetic really!). However I have had to do some soul searching myself as my dad has ms and is quite bad with it and I must admit that I am a daddy's girl. Also I have only recently got in contact with my real mum who has bipolar, we have become really close, however she has been really supportive.
At the end of the day they have had their lives, lived it as they chose, made decisions that they thought was best for us growing up - now its our turn to do what we chose and what we think's best for our growing family. Follow your guts, we only get one life, what do you think would happen if you didn't go.....
#38
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
well I'm shocked! what a way to treat your kids she should be putting a brave front on and breaking down after you have gone!
maybe its time to blackmail back
ask her if she wants the kids to remember her as a fun granny or a weeping wailing mess who they will be sure to avoid on future visits home!
maybe its time to blackmail back
ask her if she wants the kids to remember her as a fun granny or a weeping wailing mess who they will be sure to avoid on future visits home!
#39
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
So, the house has sold and my mother is so completely crushed she cannot talk to me or my children at the moment. Not because she is sulking but because she is constantly in tears and finding it very hard to cope. I am struggling so much. I'm not sure I can go with the guilt of my mums breakdown hanging over me
#40
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
Shock her back to normality by suggesting a visit to a psychologist, this behavior is excessive and unfair. She is not having a breakdown, she is in a last ditch effort trying to control you and the situation.
You sound like you are wavering in your resolve and if you do, you are not sending out a good message to your own kids. Not to mention giving your mother emotional power over you from this day on.
Write her a note, tell her you are moving and temper tantrums and outbursts will not stop you. But remember, this is not a breakdown, she is not crushed or broken, she is in the last efforts of emotional blackmail because she knows you are leaving.
I would also sort out your own feelings about your Mum now, because if you don't, you may find it very tough once you are living in Australia, homesickness is hard enough when you are at peace with your decision, without adding guilt in to the mix.
Kids throw tantrums when they don't get their own way, adults however should not.
You sound like you are wavering in your resolve and if you do, you are not sending out a good message to your own kids. Not to mention giving your mother emotional power over you from this day on.
Write her a note, tell her you are moving and temper tantrums and outbursts will not stop you. But remember, this is not a breakdown, she is not crushed or broken, she is in the last efforts of emotional blackmail because she knows you are leaving.
I would also sort out your own feelings about your Mum now, because if you don't, you may find it very tough once you are living in Australia, homesickness is hard enough when you are at peace with your decision, without adding guilt in to the mix.
Kids throw tantrums when they don't get their own way, adults however should not.
#41
Account Open
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 4,298
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
wise words there. As per Quoll's post, there is no one "right" or "wrong" answer.
#42
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
Just reread the thread to remind myself of the situation and would stand by my last post on the matter. Your mum is not elderly and she is not being left alone, she is being manipulative and childish. If she can't talk to you right now, so be it. Tell her you will talk to her when she is ready. Don't indulge her.
#43
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 195
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
I have posted on here previously about my mum's heartbreak at us leaving....well a couple of days ago we had a heart to heart and she begged me to look at other options saying she can't cope with us being the otherside of the world. I know I am breaking her heart and wonder if I will ever be able to live with it....my kids want to go but they are also devasted that they are leaving their beloved nanny here. sigh.......
I don't suppose it helps that I have read alot of posts on here recently from those that have already moved about how they have lost a loved one in the UK and how heartbreaking it is to be so far away.
I seriously need a kick up the butt because I can't think of the great reasons to go only the one reason to stay We either stay to save mum from heartbreak or try something we have always wanted to.
I have no either emotional ties here only my mum....but it seems like a big one at the moment...where has my 'live for the moment and life is an adventure' outlook gone?
I don't suppose it helps that I have read alot of posts on here recently from those that have already moved about how they have lost a loved one in the UK and how heartbreaking it is to be so far away.
I seriously need a kick up the butt because I can't think of the great reasons to go only the one reason to stay We either stay to save mum from heartbreak or try something we have always wanted to.
I have no either emotional ties here only my mum....but it seems like a big one at the moment...where has my 'live for the moment and life is an adventure' outlook gone?
I really think you need to think more about whether YOU can live with this change. I have always been very close to both of my parents and used to spend a lot of time with them when I lived in Ireland which made the thoughts of leaving them incredibly difficult. We've made huge efforts to keep in contact since we moved here (sms's, emails, phone calls, skype video calls etc.) and this year they're even visiting for a few months. All that has still not eased the guilt and sadness I feel about leaving, and moving home (or at least back to Europe) is always at the back of my mind. My parents never asked me to stay but as the last child to leave Ireland, their upset was clear and understandable. They have been fully supportive of our move, but even having that support doesn't necessarily mean that the move and the distance will be easier on you.
Think long and hard about the move, not for your mother's sake, but for your own. If this is the move you want and you can deal with all the implications of the move, then go for it. If not, I think it'll be rough going for you out here.
#44
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 41,518
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
I had some sympathy until I saw ages 56/58 - bloody ridiculous.
#45
Just Joined
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 23
Re: I seriously need to pull myself together..HMmmm
I faced a similar issue with my mum, who is the same age as yours, and I too have a younger sister in the UK.
I made the move over here in Oct 2011. I knew mum would be upset, so I informed her of our intention to apply and move here way back in Apr 2010. I thought that would give her time to get used to the idea, long before we actually left. How wrong I was.
To say that her reaction came as a surprise, especially the viciousness of it, is an understatement. Often it seemingly came from nowhere - we'd be getting along nicely, having dinner at a restaurant, and then there would be a huge public display of hurt, anger, tears, shouting, hurtful words. It all seemed to be designed to create as much embarrassment and shame to me as possible. Incidentally, I don't have children but was accused many times of depriving her of a relationship with her future grandchildren. This is, as others have pointed out, emotional blackmail.
Eventually she appeared to accept our move, and said she was supportive of it - but I know now that that was a lie. At our leaving party, after a couple of red wines too many the true feelings came out, once again in front of everyone.
I was brought up by her to be an independent person to live my own life and make the best of it. Now that's what I'm doing, and she doesn't like it. We do speak on Skype and email, but not as often as we might have done. I certainly don't confide in her as much as I would like to - I'm sure I would only need to mention the tiniest of problems or fears and I feel that it would start her off again - so I simply don't talk to her about how I'm settling here. In a way it is easier being here, as I don't know whether she is upset about it any more, as I don't have to see it or deal with it. It is a terrible shame, as this is not the mother/daughter relationship that I ever imagined we would have. And ultimately, I know that this issue will rear its ugly head again and that she will never be accepting of it, and we probably have many more arguments ahead of us.
She has often told me that they will never be able to visit me because of their age and health (late 50s, in excellent health) and that I will have to live with that. And essentially she was absolutely right - I do have to live with that, it is the choice I have made; and so will you. It is a very, very tough decision to make.
Good luck with what you have to face. I really do hope you manage to resolve it.
I made the move over here in Oct 2011. I knew mum would be upset, so I informed her of our intention to apply and move here way back in Apr 2010. I thought that would give her time to get used to the idea, long before we actually left. How wrong I was.
To say that her reaction came as a surprise, especially the viciousness of it, is an understatement. Often it seemingly came from nowhere - we'd be getting along nicely, having dinner at a restaurant, and then there would be a huge public display of hurt, anger, tears, shouting, hurtful words. It all seemed to be designed to create as much embarrassment and shame to me as possible. Incidentally, I don't have children but was accused many times of depriving her of a relationship with her future grandchildren. This is, as others have pointed out, emotional blackmail.
Eventually she appeared to accept our move, and said she was supportive of it - but I know now that that was a lie. At our leaving party, after a couple of red wines too many the true feelings came out, once again in front of everyone.
I was brought up by her to be an independent person to live my own life and make the best of it. Now that's what I'm doing, and she doesn't like it. We do speak on Skype and email, but not as often as we might have done. I certainly don't confide in her as much as I would like to - I'm sure I would only need to mention the tiniest of problems or fears and I feel that it would start her off again - so I simply don't talk to her about how I'm settling here. In a way it is easier being here, as I don't know whether she is upset about it any more, as I don't have to see it or deal with it. It is a terrible shame, as this is not the mother/daughter relationship that I ever imagined we would have. And ultimately, I know that this issue will rear its ugly head again and that she will never be accepting of it, and we probably have many more arguments ahead of us.
She has often told me that they will never be able to visit me because of their age and health (late 50s, in excellent health) and that I will have to live with that. And essentially she was absolutely right - I do have to live with that, it is the choice I have made; and so will you. It is a very, very tough decision to make.
Good luck with what you have to face. I really do hope you manage to resolve it.
Last edited by LittleButton; Feb 22nd 2012 at 1:55 am.