How do you cope with the guilt
Sep 19th 2008, 7:56 pm
#1
Thread Starter
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 91
How do you cope with the guilt
of taking your children away from their grandparents?? (if you have children)
We are off to Melbourne in Oct to join Hubbys family as they are already residents and he is doing a course over there.
We are leaving my mum and sister (shes 13) we are the only immediate family they have close by (my mums parents have emmigrated to Greece)
My little boy who is nearly 3 means the world to her and he loves her to bits, always asking to go over and see her etc. I guess we are there most days to visit.
My worry is when we go he will be asking where has she gone and although he will have Hubbys family hes only met them twice
. I suppose I feel awful about going when we are her only family and her only grandchild etc and I know she will struggle financially to come and visit us. (we will help what we can).
Sorry this is a bit long, just feeling a bit sorry for myself and wondered if anyone else felt the same x
We are off to Melbourne in Oct to join Hubbys family as they are already residents and he is doing a course over there.
We are leaving my mum and sister (shes 13) we are the only immediate family they have close by (my mums parents have emmigrated to Greece)
My little boy who is nearly 3 means the world to her and he loves her to bits, always asking to go over and see her etc. I guess we are there most days to visit.
My worry is when we go he will be asking where has she gone and although he will have Hubbys family hes only met them twice
. I suppose I feel awful about going when we are her only family and her only grandchild etc and I know she will struggle financially to come and visit us. (we will help what we can).Sorry this is a bit long, just feeling a bit sorry for myself and wondered if anyone else felt the same x
Sep 19th 2008, 8:27 pm
#2
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jul 2008
Location: Westernport Mornington Peninsula
Posts: 1,761
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
I feel for you because if you feel guilty before you leave its likely you will when you get here and this can make you more homesick and less likely to be happy here. I think you have to have a talk with your Mum about it. Your son will miss his Grandma but he will also forget her too. I did when my parents took me o/seas and migrated.
There is always someone that misses out when people migrate.
Would your Mum and sister be able to migrate to Aus or Greece.
There is always someone that misses out when people migrate.
Would your Mum and sister be able to migrate to Aus or Greece.
Sep 19th 2008, 8:40 pm
#3
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 381
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
of taking your children away from their grandparents?? (if you have children)
We are off to Melbourne in Oct to join Hubbys family as they are already residents and he is doing a course over there.
We are leaving my mum and sister (shes 13) we are the only immediate family they have close by (my mums parents have emmigrated to Greece)
My little boy who is nearly 3 means the world to her and he loves her to bits, always asking to go over and see her etc. I guess we are there most days to visit.
My worry is when we go he will be asking where has she gone and although he will have Hubbys family hes only met them twice . I suppose I feel awful about going when we are her only family and her only grandchild etc and I know she will struggle financially to come and visit us. (we will help what we can).
Sorry this is a bit long, just feeling a bit sorry for myself and wondered if anyone else felt the same x
We are off to Melbourne in Oct to join Hubbys family as they are already residents and he is doing a course over there.
We are leaving my mum and sister (shes 13) we are the only immediate family they have close by (my mums parents have emmigrated to Greece)
My little boy who is nearly 3 means the world to her and he loves her to bits, always asking to go over and see her etc. I guess we are there most days to visit.
My worry is when we go he will be asking where has she gone and although he will have Hubbys family hes only met them twice
. I suppose I feel awful about going when we are her only family and her only grandchild etc and I know she will struggle financially to come and visit us. (we will help what we can).Sorry this is a bit long, just feeling a bit sorry for myself and wondered if anyone else felt the same x
Sep 20th 2008, 5:48 am
#4
Thread Starter
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 91
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
I know that mum understands why we are doing this but it doesnt make it any easier.
I just keep thinking of the opportunity and what a better start in life for my son. (well im trying to think that lol)
Its something Ive thought about whether they could join us as I believe they could on a parent visa as me and my sister are her only children and my sister is obviously still a dependant.
I think Im just going through a bit of an emotional time (arnt we all).
Its just getting over the thought of saying goodbye.
Thankyou for reading and replying.
I just keep thinking of the opportunity and what a better start in life for my son. (well im trying to think that lol)
Its something Ive thought about whether they could join us as I believe they could on a parent visa as me and my sister are her only children and my sister is obviously still a dependant.
I think Im just going through a bit of an emotional time (arnt we all).
Its just getting over the thought of saying goodbye.
Thankyou for reading and replying.
Sep 20th 2008, 6:01 am
#5
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 687
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
Webcams and Skype are wonderful, and have certainly helped our parents.
My youngest is 2, and has always spent a lot of time with her grandparents. It broke their heart bringing them here, but the fact they can see them and talk to them makes it so much easier.
You will feel many different emotions, but you have to remember why you are doing this. Sending you hugs as I know how you feel...it is still fresh in my mind. x
My youngest is 2, and has always spent a lot of time with her grandparents. It broke their heart bringing them here, but the fact they can see them and talk to them makes it so much easier.
You will feel many different emotions, but you have to remember why you are doing this. Sending you hugs as I know how you feel...it is still fresh in my mind. x
Sep 20th 2008, 7:51 am
#6
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 174
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
i feel the same, my daughter is 3 and spends so much time with my mum (she is the only grandchild), my situation is complicated though, in that my parents live in dubai, me and dp live in their house here, my mum comes back every 6 weeks for months at a time so with my daughter everyday and then i fly with her to dubai and spend about 3 months with them (my brother and his wife live nearby in abu dhabi)
I will be further away in oz and will be working for the first time since i had my dd, so wont be able to go to dubai for 3 month stints anymore so will miss my parents so much.
My partner leaves for sydney in 11 days, he has to get a job and find us a house so its not fair to take our daughter until its all set up. Luckily i am flying to dubai on the 21st november to spend 2 months with my family then on the 21st jan my parents are coming to oz with me for a month.
Luckily my parents are in the positon to buy a house in oz, so will move there in a few years and my brother and his wife already own a property there and will eventually move there too.
Its horrible but as others said, you have to do whats best for your family, i have had real doubts these last weeks and even had to go doctors due to anxiety and panic attacks but its my parents who have talked me out of it and insisted i am doing the right thing.
kelly
I will be further away in oz and will be working for the first time since i had my dd, so wont be able to go to dubai for 3 month stints anymore so will miss my parents so much.
My partner leaves for sydney in 11 days
, he has to get a job and find us a house so its not fair to take our daughter until its all set up. Luckily i am flying to dubai on the 21st november to spend 2 months with my family then on the 21st jan my parents are coming to oz with me for a month.Luckily my parents are in the positon to buy a house in oz, so will move there in a few years and my brother and his wife already own a property there and will eventually move there too.
Its horrible but as others said, you have to do whats best for your family, i have had real doubts these last weeks and even had to go doctors due to anxiety and panic attacks but its my parents who have talked me out of it and insisted i am doing the right thing.
kelly
Sep 20th 2008, 11:29 am
#7
Forum Regular
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: sunshine coast, queensland
Posts: 45
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
of taking your children away from their grandparents?? (if you have children)
We are off to Melbourne in Oct to join Hubbys family as they are already residents and he is doing a course over there.
We are leaving my mum and sister (shes 13) we are the only immediate family they have close by (my mums parents have emmigrated to Greece)
My little boy who is nearly 3 means the world to her and he loves her to bits, always asking to go over and see her etc. I guess we are there most days to visit.
My worry is when we go he will be asking where has she gone and although he will have Hubbys family hes only met them twice . I suppose I feel awful about going when we are her only family and her only grandchild etc and I know she will struggle financially to come and visit us. (we will help what we can).
Sorry this is a bit long, just feeling a bit sorry for myself and wondered if anyone else felt the same x
We are off to Melbourne in Oct to join Hubbys family as they are already residents and he is doing a course over there.
We are leaving my mum and sister (shes 13) we are the only immediate family they have close by (my mums parents have emmigrated to Greece)
My little boy who is nearly 3 means the world to her and he loves her to bits, always asking to go over and see her etc. I guess we are there most days to visit.
My worry is when we go he will be asking where has she gone and although he will have Hubbys family hes only met them twice
. I suppose I feel awful about going when we are her only family and her only grandchild etc and I know she will struggle financially to come and visit us. (we will help what we can).Sorry this is a bit long, just feeling a bit sorry for myself and wondered if anyone else felt the same x
I feel for you i really do. I felt so guilty, sick and an awful daughter taking my two boys away from my mum and dad. They spent every weekend visiting them in the uk and often stayed over. My parents were gutted that i was taking their grandchildren away. I had the 'its too far to fly' we will not see you again. etc etc LIke others said skype is a must and has helped alot, along with email. To my actual amazement, relief after being here for one year they can not bear it and are coming out in january for 8 weeks. This has made my day month year. Not only will they get to see the kids they will get to see why we did it, they will see the freedom the kids get to play, the opportunities they have, the beaches etc and i know they will agree with why i did it. This for me has helped my guilt. I miss my family terribly but no longer feel guilty. Good luck
Sep 20th 2008, 11:40 am
#8
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,667
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
I dont feel guilty.
They are my kids, and I'm going to do whats best for them. If the adults want to get a face on because they are not getting what they want and try to use emotional blackmail, than as far as I am concerned thats more of a reason to leave.
I dont revolve my life, the OH's life or the kids life around anyone else.
It's our life and our choice - they can either be happy for us and keep in touch or have a blob on and miss out altogether.
Their choice.
I've got more important things to be doing and worrying about, that what other people are feeling.
Harsh I know, but thats the way I think when people try to play games with me like that.
They are my kids, and I'm going to do whats best for them. If the adults want to get a face on because they are not getting what they want and try to use emotional blackmail, than as far as I am concerned thats more of a reason to leave.
I dont revolve my life, the OH's life or the kids life around anyone else.
It's our life and our choice - they can either be happy for us and keep in touch or have a blob on and miss out altogether.
Their choice.
I've got more important things to be doing and worrying about, that what other people are feeling.
Harsh I know, but thats the way I think when people try to play games with me like that.
Sep 20th 2008, 12:14 pm
#9
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
I never felt guilt either. I love all my family members (including my mother, I guess) but the most important ones are the ones that are with me. It was right for us to move so we did. My mother attempted to put a guilt trip on me but it didn't work. I guess it depends on how your relationships work.
Sep 20th 2008, 2:04 pm
#10
Still alive
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,994
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
I dont feel guilty.
They are my kids, and I'm going to do whats best for them. If the adults want to get a face on because they are not getting what they want and try to use emotional blackmail, than as far as I am concerned thats more of a reason to leave.
I dont revolve my life, the OH's life or the kids life around anyone else.
It's our life and our choice - they can either be happy for us and keep in touch or have a blob on and miss out altogether.
Their choice.
I've got more important things to be doing and worrying about, that what other people are feeling.
Harsh I know, but thats the way I think when people try to play games with me like that.
They are my kids, and I'm going to do whats best for them. If the adults want to get a face on because they are not getting what they want and try to use emotional blackmail, than as far as I am concerned thats more of a reason to leave.
I dont revolve my life, the OH's life or the kids life around anyone else.
It's our life and our choice - they can either be happy for us and keep in touch or have a blob on and miss out altogether.
Their choice.
I've got more important things to be doing and worrying about, that what other people are feeling.
Harsh I know, but thats the way I think when people try to play games with me like that.
My parents did what they thought best for their children and themselves - their family and nobody else. If my grandparents didn't approve then it was their problem and not my Mom or Dad's.
I never felt guilt either. I love all my family members (including my mother, I guess) but the most important ones are the ones that are with me. It was right for us to move so we did. My mother attempted to put a guilt trip on me but it didn't work. I guess it depends on how your relationships work.
Sep 20th 2008, 4:20 pm
#11
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,667
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
Oi you stole my post! That was exactly what I was going to say with the addition of...
My parents did what they thought best for their children and themselves - their family and nobody else. If my grandparents didn't approve then it was their problem and not my Mom or Dad's.
My sister tried to put a guilt trip on me saying things like I was taking my parents' grandchildren away. My reply was that "no, I was taking my children with me". We did what we thought was best for our family and again if people don't like it too bad.
My parents did what they thought best for their children and themselves - their family and nobody else. If my grandparents didn't approve then it was their problem and not my Mom or Dad's.
My sister tried to put a guilt trip on me saying things like I was taking my parents' grandchildren away. My reply was that "no, I was taking my children with me". We did what we thought was best for our family and again if people don't like it too bad.
I'm swear you are my twin at times.
We do this too often for my liking.
Sep 20th 2008, 4:33 pm
#12
Thread Starter
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 91
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
My sister tried to put a guilt trip on me saying things like I was taking my parents' grandchildren away. My reply was that "no, I was taking my children with me". We did what we thought was best for our family and again if people don't like it too bad.[/QUOTE]
You are right never thought of it that way, maybe that sounds stupid but when you put it like that it makes sense.
I know it is right for us as a family but Im just feeling sorry for my mum (which I know I probably shouldnt as she already choose her life etc) and now it is our turn.
I am very close to my mum so thats probably why I feel worse.
Like everyone says these days with the internet etc you never feel too far away. I have lived away before has hubby was in the army so need to look at it like that as didnt see her much then either.
Kelly - Hope it all works out for you, Im sure you will be fine and good luck with the job xxx
You are right never thought of it that way, maybe that sounds stupid but when you put it like that it makes sense.
I know it is right for us as a family but Im just feeling sorry for my mum (which I know I probably shouldnt as she already choose her life etc) and now it is our turn.
I am very close to my mum so thats probably why I feel worse.
Like everyone says these days with the internet etc you never feel too far away. I have lived away before has hubby was in the army so need to look at it like that as didnt see her much then either.
Kelly - Hope it all works out for you, Im sure you will be fine and good luck with the job xxx
Sep 20th 2008, 8:10 pm
#13
Just Joined
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 19
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
Nat,
Firstly I just want to say what I absolutely love about this site is the fact that you read a post and think, oh that is exactly how I feel, or that is exactly what I am going through too.
So when I read your post that is exactly what I thought.
I am the only girl in my family, and my dad died some years ago so my mam is more than just a mam, she is definetly my best friend.
Myself, Partner and our two children are going to Adelaide in two weeks, and I have already been saying goodbye to some friends already, but am dreading the saying goodbye to my mam. She is particularly close to my eldest child,my son, they adore one another, so I do feel such an element of guilt not just me leaving but also taking the children. My mam has encouraged me all the way, has never stood in my way in anything in life, and still tells me I am doing the right thing, am really hoping I am, I will miss her so much, and am hoping she will come out to me for a good few months early next year.
Just wanted to say I feel for you, I am feeling it too, so although I don't have any great advice, just wanted to let you know you are sooooo not alone in this, lots of us feel this way too.
Firstly I just want to say what I absolutely love about this site is the fact that you read a post and think, oh that is exactly how I feel, or that is exactly what I am going through too.
So when I read your post that is exactly what I thought.
I am the only girl in my family, and my dad died some years ago so my mam is more than just a mam, she is definetly my best friend.
Myself, Partner and our two children are going to Adelaide in two weeks, and I have already been saying goodbye to some friends already, but am dreading the saying goodbye to my mam. She is particularly close to my eldest child,my son, they adore one another, so I do feel such an element of guilt not just me leaving but also taking the children. My mam has encouraged me all the way, has never stood in my way in anything in life, and still tells me I am doing the right thing, am really hoping I am, I will miss her so much, and am hoping she will come out to me for a good few months early next year.
Just wanted to say I feel for you, I am feeling it too, so although I don't have any great advice, just wanted to let you know you are sooooo not alone in this, lots of us feel this way too.
Sep 21st 2008, 6:53 am
#14
Thread Starter
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 91
Re: How do you cope with the guilt
Hi Glindy,
Its nice to feel you are not alone in feeling this way isnt it my hubby is very excited as only seen his parents once in nearly 5 years, so for him it is wonderful and we arnt really leaving that much behind. But obviously its more difficult for me with mum.
I am just really hoping they will be able to get over in the next couple of years and like you say see why we are doing/did it, maybe then they will decide they want to (maybe your mum will??..)
Good luck with your move I hope it all goes smoothly.
It is flying by so quickly for us as Im sure it is for you.
Take care and speak to you soon
Its nice to feel you are not alone in feeling this way isnt it my hubby is very excited as only seen his parents once in nearly 5 years, so for him it is wonderful and we arnt really leaving that much behind. But obviously its more difficult for me with mum.
I am just really hoping they will be able to get over in the next couple of years and like you say see why we are doing/did it, maybe then they will decide they want to (maybe your mum will??..)
Good luck with your move I hope it all goes smoothly.
It is flying by so quickly for us as Im sure it is for you.
Take care and speak to you soon
