Homesick

Old Jan 22nd 2016, 9:28 am
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We emigrated to australia in 1992. Mid 30 's, hubby had family here. Visited once before but I disliked the miles away from anywhere, limited services, bush area they lived. We decided we wouldn't live there but in a bigger place with more going on. We came to said town temporarily, and then hubby changed the plans. I was a wreck and went along with it, seeing the mental health nurse, post natal depression, relocation blah blah.. my older kids didn't settle and the in laws didn't include us. The deal had been to try Aus for 2 years and if any of us didn't like it we could go home. Didn't happen either. He had no intentions of leaving. I've tried hard to like it but I still dislike the place intensely. Threw myself into my kids, school etc but now they grown & have their own lives, and I'm still stuck here. The years pass and I get more depressed. Choices are leave my kids (family) and move or stay somewhere I've never liked. I've left family once to come here.. don't think I can leave my kids (altho they all older). I feel cheated, depressed and like I've wasted my life living his dream. I want to turn the clock back and go home.. anyone else felt this??
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Old Jan 22nd 2016, 9:55 am
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Default Re: Homesick

Oh yeah, many of us I suspect!

Have you considered marriage guidance counselling? If your marriage is worth saving, that is! Compromise is key in all relationships and it doesn't sound like you feel there's been much in yours!

Leaving kids - that's a hard one! More often than not they will leave you anyway and you never know where they might end up - the fact that they're older doesn't mean that if you move they may not also be inspired to sample life elsewhere. Grandparenting via Skype sucks but it's do-able.

Bottom line though, you do sometimes have to live with the least worst option - is life in Aus with him less worse than life in UK without him? I decided many yrs ago that that was the situation for me but gee it was hard. Our compromise was that he earned enough to get me back to UK as and when I needed to go and I stayed in Aus but then life threw us a curve ball and after many years of refusing to move he suggested we needed to live in UK to care for my aged parents. Must say that as soon as I stepped off the plane at Heathrow my chronic depression lifted and I got my life back. DH now loves being in UK but we both expect to return to Aus eventually (pragmatism rules!)

Good luck, you're between a rock and a hard place really
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Old Jan 22nd 2016, 8:44 pm
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atm you're right.. between a rock and a hard place. If I go to uk, my kids n grandies won't be there. Never be able to show them where we grew up, they will doubtful meet family.. they are ok here.. can't remember much else. They wonder why I don't like it.. but the origins are part of it. Living here was never in my plans. I hope one day I can go home, on my own no doubt.. just a waste of many many years being unhappy..
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Old Jan 22nd 2016, 9:11 pm
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Default Re: Homesick

Originally Posted by cls
We emigrated to australia in 1992. Mid 30 's, hubby had family here. Visited once before but I disliked the miles away from anywhere, limited services, bush area they lived. We decided we wouldn't live there but in a bigger place with more going on. We came to said town temporarily, and then hubby changed the plans. I was a wreck and went along with it, seeing the mental health nurse, post natal depression, relocation blah blah.. my older kids didn't settle and the in laws didn't include us. The deal had been to try Aus for 2 years and if any of us didn't like it we could go home. Didn't happen either. He had no intentions of leaving. I've tried hard to like it but I still dislike the place intensely. Threw myself into my kids, school etc but now they grown & have their own lives, and I'm still stuck here. The years pass and I get more depressed. Choices are leave my kids (family) and move or stay somewhere I've never liked. I've left family once to come here.. don't think I can leave my kids (altho they all older). I feel cheated, depressed and like I've wasted my life living his dream. I want to turn the clock back and go home.. anyone else felt this??
Oh yes! rings big bells with me.You don' t have to be in Oz to feel that either. I had exactly the same deal (bar the relies) when we moved to NL.The 2 yrs promised turned to 5 yrs and then with OH's promotion became a 'lifer' 30+ yrs. I reached your stage thus quite some yrs ago.Only difference for me is that i 'lost' both of my kids to UNi's in the UK at age 18yrs. They never returned to NL being unable to qualify for jobs there,despite being brought up there from the ages of 6 and 9 yrs.I had a long period of depression,only coming out of it when i had a 'light bulb' moment after a talk by an American relocation expert called 'Bloom where you are planted' Yep! I thought it was naff too at the time.lol .However the more she talked the more sense she made. I was making myself a prisoner. I might not be where I wanted to be,but i could find things to make me happy.My life did not have to revolve around my OH or his job.I had to make a decision to stop longing for what I couldn't have and start looking for those things I could have. Instead of loathing the Dutch collectively I started to make the effort to understand them individually.I joined clubs.I took on voluntary jobs I would never have dreamed of doing ,like ones that included public speaking.I started an Art class .In other words I re-engaged with the world Slowly things got better.never perfect,just better..Find your Bliss ,find the things that interests you.take baby steps.just start. Good luck
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Old Jan 22nd 2016, 9:51 pm
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I dislike where I live. very tiny place with limited everything. Dr's are expensive, work opportunities very low.. i have been trying to get work for years. I don't have enough qualifications and impossible to get any educational help here. I could study online. at home. on my own. I choose not too. I do have depression. Very difficult here as distance is involved in everything you want to do. It is causing more problems between husband and myself. He's always worked. I worked in uk. here I've never had family to help with children so I stayed at home. Kept very busy, inwardly seething for years. Ypu are right in the fact I need to get out more. Everything costs $$ which is something I don't have atm. It's becoming overwhelming for me atm. I know I have to change how I think but I don't know how..
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 12:30 am
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Default Re: Homesick

Hi cls
Your marrriage is by far the most important thing. I think all expats to a greater or lesser degree miss home. For me its not all things, but just a few: going for a pint with my brother, being cold at Christmas, seeing the hills in autumn, purple with heather, the trees turn green in spring. I could go on. Queensland is not like that, nor should I expect it to be. It was my choice. But I can get those things by a visit home whenever I have the time and money for a trip home.
The thing is though, it would not mean anything without my wife. Marriages are worth investing in, carrying a few crosses. None of us are perfect, some are less perfect than others, but we are all capable of loving and sharing our lives.
I hope you manage to get things worked out. My advice to you is that try and keep yourself busy. Evn if there are no jobs, try volunteering, get to know people, try and feel a part of it. You will never be an Aussie, but they will never be a Brit, so that's a good trade off :-) however friends and folk to talk to can get you through things.
All the best.

Last edited by Stephen; Jan 23rd 2016 at 12:35 am.
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 1:08 am
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Default Re: Homesick

Originally Posted by quoll
Oh yeah, many of us I suspect!
you are right, there are many others that are silent about it....

OP, any chance of you moving to a bigger city? more stuff to do? more people to meet?
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 5:25 am
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Default Re: Homesick

If you are struggling with depression there are some online resources which are worth checking out - MoodGym run by ANU is definitely worth a look for coping strategies. https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I'm not sure that I agree that marriages are everything - if you are in a relationship where you are controlled then escape is a good option! You can always call Lifeline (any time, day or night!) 13 11 14 - they may be able to suggest local resources but I really do think it is important that you find someone in real life who can lend an ear. Seething eats you up inside and in a small insular town real life support is going to be hard to find I fear!
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 6:25 am
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Default Re: Homesick

Originally Posted by quoll
If you are struggling with depression there are some online resources which are worth checking out - MoodGym run by ANU is definitely worth a look for coping strategies. https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I'm not sure that I agree that marriages are everything - if you are in a relationship where you are controlled then escape is a good option! You can always call Lifeline (any time, day or night!) 13 11 14 - they may be able to suggest local resources but I really do think it is important that you find someone in real life who can lend an ear. Seething eats you up inside and in a small insular town real life support is going to be hard to find I fear!
We don't know enough about the situation and so answers are generalisations, but I would be reticent to even consider offering solutions about 'escaping'. It also depends on what you consider marriage to be. A human contract or something much more profound.
Anyway good luck to the OP.
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 6:35 am
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hubby always worked and looked after us.. often worked away. Yes I have never settled in the town, don't like the distance in hours to anywhere else. He is prepared to move away now the kids are older. But I'm reluctant as I've left family once and scared to do it again I guess. I wanted to know if this homesickness leaves or is it always there. I think if we had moved to a less isolated place (as we discussed) it may have been easier (aussies don't thing this town isolated).. idk.. I think you have to have experienced this feeling to realise.. thank you all for your input everyone. It really helps to chat with others who have felt/done similar.. something I don't get to do much of..
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 8:02 am
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Personally - once the feeling of alienation really got its claws into me it got worse - much worse! I coped with it for around 20-25 yrs but the last 10 yrs or so were awful but I had the wherewithal to go back for visits as and when I felt the need. On balance, if you don't feel like you can move across the world away from your kids then maybe look for a place which might meet your needs better than the current WoopWoop - compromise and see.
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 9:04 am
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I need to go home.. I realise it may not be home when I go back.. but I know in my heart it will be.. christmas isn't the same here, the culture, people and lifestyle very different.. Unfortunately I cannot do that atm.. sounds like others have felt the same. I don't feel like such an idiot..
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 9:08 am
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Default Re: Homesick

Originally Posted by cls
I need to go home.. I realise it may not be home when I go back.. but I know in my heart it will be.. christmas isn't the same here, the culture, people and lifestyle very different.. Unfortunately I cannot do that atm.. sounds like others have felt the same. I don't feel like such an idiot..
Yes that is very true, Christmas, that is. I struggled with this for years, but I eventually reconciled myself with the fact that I could always visit the UK at that time if I really had to. It's not so bad now.
The culture- I am an alien I admit and steer away as much from the bogan-feral places that set me off on a condemnatory verbiage.
It is all manageable.
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 9:22 am
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Default Re: Homesick

Originally Posted by Stephen
Hi cls
Your marrriage is by far the most important thing.
No, it isn't. A happy marriage built on mutual compromise, understanding, friendship and love is a wonderful thing. One partner feeling trapped, resentful, lied to and depressed is not a wonderful thing.

I just feel like you've dismissed the OP and virtually told her that all she needs to do, indeed, all she should do, is 'invest' in her marriage and carry her crosses. If you read what she's written again, you'll see that she's continually done both of those things for over 20 years.

If you need some context for my comments, I 'invested' in my marriage and bore my crosses for 30 years, until my children were grown and independent. Then I left the man I'd called husband for all those years - it doesn't make a blind bit of difference whether I considered that marriage a 'human contract' or something 'more profound', I saved my sanity, my happiness, and quite possibly my life.
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Old Jan 23rd 2016, 10:19 am
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Default Re: Homesick

I do hurt about how things happened. It has caused many problems over the years. Nothing can change it or how I feel. Funny the bogan statement above. Rural/bush areas have a very distinct type of lifestyle I don't really like.. & the cliques are very pronounced.
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