Homesick
#1
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Homesick
We emigrated to australia in 1992. Mid 30 's, hubby had family here. Visited once before but I disliked the miles away from anywhere, limited services, bush area they lived. We decided we wouldn't live there but in a bigger place with more going on. We came to said town temporarily, and then hubby changed the plans. I was a wreck and went along with it, seeing the mental health nurse, post natal depression, relocation blah blah.. my older kids didn't settle and the in laws didn't include us. The deal had been to try Aus for 2 years and if any of us didn't like it we could go home. Didn't happen either. He had no intentions of leaving. I've tried hard to like it but I still dislike the place intensely. Threw myself into my kids, school etc but now they grown & have their own lives, and I'm still stuck here. The years pass and I get more depressed. Choices are leave my kids (family) and move or stay somewhere I've never liked. I've left family once to come here.. don't think I can leave my kids (altho they all older). I feel cheated, depressed and like I've wasted my life living his dream. I want to turn the clock back and go home.. anyone else felt this??
#2
Re: Homesick
Oh yeah, many of us I suspect!
Have you considered marriage guidance counselling? If your marriage is worth saving, that is! Compromise is key in all relationships and it doesn't sound like you feel there's been much in yours!
Leaving kids - that's a hard one! More often than not they will leave you anyway and you never know where they might end up - the fact that they're older doesn't mean that if you move they may not also be inspired to sample life elsewhere. Grandparenting via Skype sucks but it's do-able.
Bottom line though, you do sometimes have to live with the least worst option - is life in Aus with him less worse than life in UK without him? I decided many yrs ago that that was the situation for me but gee it was hard. Our compromise was that he earned enough to get me back to UK as and when I needed to go and I stayed in Aus but then life threw us a curve ball and after many years of refusing to move he suggested we needed to live in UK to care for my aged parents. Must say that as soon as I stepped off the plane at Heathrow my chronic depression lifted and I got my life back. DH now loves being in UK but we both expect to return to Aus eventually (pragmatism rules!)
Good luck, you're between a rock and a hard place really
Have you considered marriage guidance counselling? If your marriage is worth saving, that is! Compromise is key in all relationships and it doesn't sound like you feel there's been much in yours!
Leaving kids - that's a hard one! More often than not they will leave you anyway and you never know where they might end up - the fact that they're older doesn't mean that if you move they may not also be inspired to sample life elsewhere. Grandparenting via Skype sucks but it's do-able.
Bottom line though, you do sometimes have to live with the least worst option - is life in Aus with him less worse than life in UK without him? I decided many yrs ago that that was the situation for me but gee it was hard. Our compromise was that he earned enough to get me back to UK as and when I needed to go and I stayed in Aus but then life threw us a curve ball and after many years of refusing to move he suggested we needed to live in UK to care for my aged parents. Must say that as soon as I stepped off the plane at Heathrow my chronic depression lifted and I got my life back. DH now loves being in UK but we both expect to return to Aus eventually (pragmatism rules!)
Good luck, you're between a rock and a hard place really
#3
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Re: Homesick
atm you're right.. between a rock and a hard place. If I go to uk, my kids n grandies won't be there. Never be able to show them where we grew up, they will doubtful meet family.. they are ok here.. can't remember much else. They wonder why I don't like it.. but the origins are part of it. Living here was never in my plans. I hope one day I can go home, on my own no doubt.. just a waste of many many years being unhappy..
#4
Re: Homesick
We emigrated to australia in 1992. Mid 30 's, hubby had family here. Visited once before but I disliked the miles away from anywhere, limited services, bush area they lived. We decided we wouldn't live there but in a bigger place with more going on. We came to said town temporarily, and then hubby changed the plans. I was a wreck and went along with it, seeing the mental health nurse, post natal depression, relocation blah blah.. my older kids didn't settle and the in laws didn't include us. The deal had been to try Aus for 2 years and if any of us didn't like it we could go home. Didn't happen either. He had no intentions of leaving. I've tried hard to like it but I still dislike the place intensely. Threw myself into my kids, school etc but now they grown & have their own lives, and I'm still stuck here. The years pass and I get more depressed. Choices are leave my kids (family) and move or stay somewhere I've never liked. I've left family once to come here.. don't think I can leave my kids (altho they all older). I feel cheated, depressed and like I've wasted my life living his dream. I want to turn the clock back and go home.. anyone else felt this??
#5
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Re: Homesick
I dislike where I live. very tiny place with limited everything. Dr's are expensive, work opportunities very low.. i have been trying to get work for years. I don't have enough qualifications and impossible to get any educational help here. I could study online. at home. on my own. I choose not too. I do have depression. Very difficult here as distance is involved in everything you want to do. It is causing more problems between husband and myself. He's always worked. I worked in uk. here I've never had family to help with children so I stayed at home. Kept very busy, inwardly seething for years. Ypu are right in the fact I need to get out more. Everything costs $$ which is something I don't have atm. It's becoming overwhelming for me atm. I know I have to change how I think but I don't know how..
#6
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Posts: 423
Re: Homesick
Hi cls
Your marrriage is by far the most important thing. I think all expats to a greater or lesser degree miss home. For me its not all things, but just a few: going for a pint with my brother, being cold at Christmas, seeing the hills in autumn, purple with heather, the trees turn green in spring. I could go on. Queensland is not like that, nor should I expect it to be. It was my choice. But I can get those things by a visit home whenever I have the time and money for a trip home.
The thing is though, it would not mean anything without my wife. Marriages are worth investing in, carrying a few crosses. None of us are perfect, some are less perfect than others, but we are all capable of loving and sharing our lives.
I hope you manage to get things worked out. My advice to you is that try and keep yourself busy. Evn if there are no jobs, try volunteering, get to know people, try and feel a part of it. You will never be an Aussie, but they will never be a Brit, so that's a good trade off :-) however friends and folk to talk to can get you through things.
All the best.
Your marrriage is by far the most important thing. I think all expats to a greater or lesser degree miss home. For me its not all things, but just a few: going for a pint with my brother, being cold at Christmas, seeing the hills in autumn, purple with heather, the trees turn green in spring. I could go on. Queensland is not like that, nor should I expect it to be. It was my choice. But I can get those things by a visit home whenever I have the time and money for a trip home.
The thing is though, it would not mean anything without my wife. Marriages are worth investing in, carrying a few crosses. None of us are perfect, some are less perfect than others, but we are all capable of loving and sharing our lives.
I hope you manage to get things worked out. My advice to you is that try and keep yourself busy. Evn if there are no jobs, try volunteering, get to know people, try and feel a part of it. You will never be an Aussie, but they will never be a Brit, so that's a good trade off :-) however friends and folk to talk to can get you through things.
All the best.
Last edited by Stephen; Jan 23rd 2016 at 12:35 am.
#8
Re: Homesick
If you are struggling with depression there are some online resources which are worth checking out - MoodGym run by ANU is definitely worth a look for coping strategies. https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
I'm not sure that I agree that marriages are everything - if you are in a relationship where you are controlled then escape is a good option! You can always call Lifeline (any time, day or night!) 13 11 14 - they may be able to suggest local resources but I really do think it is important that you find someone in real life who can lend an ear. Seething eats you up inside and in a small insular town real life support is going to be hard to find I fear!
I'm not sure that I agree that marriages are everything - if you are in a relationship where you are controlled then escape is a good option! You can always call Lifeline (any time, day or night!) 13 11 14 - they may be able to suggest local resources but I really do think it is important that you find someone in real life who can lend an ear. Seething eats you up inside and in a small insular town real life support is going to be hard to find I fear!
#9
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 423
Re: Homesick
If you are struggling with depression there are some online resources which are worth checking out - MoodGym run by ANU is definitely worth a look for coping strategies. https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
I'm not sure that I agree that marriages are everything - if you are in a relationship where you are controlled then escape is a good option! You can always call Lifeline (any time, day or night!) 13 11 14 - they may be able to suggest local resources but I really do think it is important that you find someone in real life who can lend an ear. Seething eats you up inside and in a small insular town real life support is going to be hard to find I fear!
I'm not sure that I agree that marriages are everything - if you are in a relationship where you are controlled then escape is a good option! You can always call Lifeline (any time, day or night!) 13 11 14 - they may be able to suggest local resources but I really do think it is important that you find someone in real life who can lend an ear. Seething eats you up inside and in a small insular town real life support is going to be hard to find I fear!
Anyway good luck to the OP.
#10
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Re: Homesick
hubby always worked and looked after us.. often worked away. Yes I have never settled in the town, don't like the distance in hours to anywhere else. He is prepared to move away now the kids are older. But I'm reluctant as I've left family once and scared to do it again I guess. I wanted to know if this homesickness leaves or is it always there. I think if we had moved to a less isolated place (as we discussed) it may have been easier (aussies don't thing this town isolated).. idk.. I think you have to have experienced this feeling to realise.. thank you all for your input everyone. It really helps to chat with others who have felt/done similar.. something I don't get to do much of..
#11
Re: Homesick
Personally - once the feeling of alienation really got its claws into me it got worse - much worse! I coped with it for around 20-25 yrs but the last 10 yrs or so were awful but I had the wherewithal to go back for visits as and when I felt the need. On balance, if you don't feel like you can move across the world away from your kids then maybe look for a place which might meet your needs better than the current WoopWoop - compromise and see.
#12
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Re: Homesick
I need to go home.. I realise it may not be home when I go back.. but I know in my heart it will be.. christmas isn't the same here, the culture, people and lifestyle very different.. Unfortunately I cannot do that atm.. sounds like others have felt the same. I don't feel like such an idiot..
#13
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Re: Homesick
I need to go home.. I realise it may not be home when I go back.. but I know in my heart it will be.. christmas isn't the same here, the culture, people and lifestyle very different.. Unfortunately I cannot do that atm.. sounds like others have felt the same. I don't feel like such an idiot..
The culture- I am an alien I admit and steer away as much from the bogan-feral places that set me off on a condemnatory verbiage.
It is all manageable.
#14
Re: Homesick
No, it isn't. A happy marriage built on mutual compromise, understanding, friendship and love is a wonderful thing. One partner feeling trapped, resentful, lied to and depressed is not a wonderful thing.
I just feel like you've dismissed the OP and virtually told her that all she needs to do, indeed, all she should do, is 'invest' in her marriage and carry her crosses. If you read what she's written again, you'll see that she's continually done both of those things for over 20 years.
If you need some context for my comments, I 'invested' in my marriage and bore my crosses for 30 years, until my children were grown and independent. Then I left the man I'd called husband for all those years - it doesn't make a blind bit of difference whether I considered that marriage a 'human contract' or something 'more profound', I saved my sanity, my happiness, and quite possibly my life.
I just feel like you've dismissed the OP and virtually told her that all she needs to do, indeed, all she should do, is 'invest' in her marriage and carry her crosses. If you read what she's written again, you'll see that she's continually done both of those things for over 20 years.
If you need some context for my comments, I 'invested' in my marriage and bore my crosses for 30 years, until my children were grown and independent. Then I left the man I'd called husband for all those years - it doesn't make a blind bit of difference whether I considered that marriage a 'human contract' or something 'more profound', I saved my sanity, my happiness, and quite possibly my life.
#15
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Re: Homesick
I do hurt about how things happened. It has caused many problems over the years. Nothing can change it or how I feel. Funny the bogan statement above. Rural/bush areas have a very distinct type of lifestyle I don't really like.. & the cliques are very pronounced.