Mrs Kiwi

Hi guys
would really appreciate advice on how to get over my feelings of guilt about leaving my mother when I emigrate! She is lovely and tells me to "go for it" but it will be heartbreaking and I feel so terribly guilty as she is on her own and we are really close. I have a brother but he is in Australia and although my mum says she will come out and visit for a few months every year I still feel terrible guilt at the thought of leaving her for the rest of the year on her own in the UK. She has a nice life in the UK and does have lots of friends and so is not interested in emigrating full time to Australia, but would come over for a few months a year.
Has anyone else left a lone parent in the UK and how is it going?
Many thanks xx

Margaret3

Hello there, i just broke the news to my mum yesterday (she is frail and elderly), I felt awful, she was fighting back the tears, but to tell you the truth am going through it with my 15 year old who doesn't want to go and I feel 100 times worse about that

Your mum sounds really supportive . Think if it was your kids (if you have any), you wouldn't want them to feel guilty or not go for something because of you,

travelbug

At least your Mum is supporting your plans. My parents dont really discuss ours, and when they do it's only with negative comments about Australia that we could do without! I agree with Margaret3 - if it were my own children, i would want what makes them happy - and your Mum is probably one of those people....but i know it doesnt help with the guilt!
I am also suffering from guilt as both my parents aren't in the best of health and our two children are the only grandchildren (apart from one that lives up North that they never see (we're down south). I keep trying to say in my head that our plans are for my own families future, and their best interests. This may also sound a terrible thing to say but my parents wont be around forever and the other alternative is to not emigrate to be near them, miss our opportunity and stay here forever!
I dont think you can escape guilt of any kind when you emigrate, be it leaving friends or family or taking children away from what they know.
My parents have already told me that they will never visit us - so unless we were prepared to make regular trips back to the UK (but how often we could afford to do that is another question), it looks like i wouldnt be seeing much of them. I think it's lovely that your Mum has already said she'd love to spend several months a year with you......it must mean that she's picturing you out there already!
Good luck!

rebnatoli

We are leaving in June and my mum has known for years about our plans and has always been supportive, but she is on her own - my brother in the UK is pretty useless and I do feel guilty, especially now as it is a reality and my mum despite her best efforts is getting upset. Like your mum she does have loads of friends and is close to my aunts and uncles. She is already going to come out for Christmas and is taking early retirement in March so she can come on long visits. I hope the guilt gets better in the long term if our decision turns out to be what we hoped for and my mum does have the choice that if she really misses us she could join us.

My mum has got a new computer, is getting Broadband and we're giving her a crash course in Skype and Msn before we go so she will be able to see the children using Skype with the webcams and we can send videos and photos. Just as well we can't wait to leave the in-laws or I don't think I could cope!

Nat1971

Hi my mum is on her own and I have alot of guilt over that, but like your mum she is very supportive. I have been in adelaide for 10 months now, and although i do feel the guilt sometimes, especially if you ring up and shes had a crap day, but i enjoy my life here so much and so do my kids, that i can sort of put it aside, selfish though that may sound. My mum brought me up to enjoy life, take chances, you only get out of life what you put into it.

she is coming out for her 1st visit not this weekend, but next and I CANT WAIT!!!! shes here for 6 weeks, but i'm already dreading saying goodbye, cos I don't think she'll be coming out on a regular basis.

People in the uk are always telling her that we have done the right thing, its a better life etc and she does feel that. We talk alot on the phone and I know she misses me and the kids like crazy, but she also knows that we love it her, so she supports it.

I'm looking forward to her seeing my new life, cos then she really will know that we have done the right thing for us.

Nat

Ozzy dog

Hi,

This is what I refer to as 'Migration Guilt'. For you it seems like a natural part of the process that you are starting to work through the feelings of sadness and loss at leaving you mum. But what a wonderfully supportive mum she appears to be - I am pleased for you in that. I am lucky that my mum is much the same. Are you sure that what your feeling is guilt? It may just be the natural sadness that will be your friend on this emotional rollar coaster.

The other form of 'Migration Guilt' is the one I experienced with my children who were aged 15, 17 & 21 when we came over. This form of 'Migration Guilt' was my motivation for spoiling them stupid during the first 18 months of being in Oz. In our attempt to 'make things ok for them' we would drop them to parties miles from where we lived, with all their friends. My hubby would then be called at about 2/3 AM! to pick them (and guests) up from the said parties. It got quite ridiculous at some points with work etc. the next day. 'Migration guilt' also accounted for endless amounts of money spent on cloths, music and things for the bedrooms etc.just to make it more homely for them! It also accounted for my new role as slave of the house - not wanting to upset them by asking them to muck in or clear up after themselves. Obviously this boundary less living has done them or me no good and I am happy to say things are calming down and sorting themselves out.

Perhaps guilt on a healthy level is our conscience just keeping us all human.

Good luck and take care

Tracey

Mrs Kiwi

guys - thanks so much for the words of wisdom and bittersweet replies that nearly reduced me to tears! 'Nat1971' I hope you have a fabulous time when your mum comes over - I'm sure you will give her a fabulous time. You are all absolutely right when you say we have to go for it anyway - I will keep saying that to myself every single day because I know it is true!! Thanks a million x

TeresaG

Its brilliant that your mum is supporting your plans. Its really hard but you should do what you want and follow your dreams.

My parents are very supportive of our plans and are saving up for their first visit even though we are only doing the TRA at the moment so have a long way to go. They are really interested in everything and are encouraging us all the way. I'm really close to them and its going to be really hard to leave them but they are trying really hard not to make us feel guilty. My dad wishes he could come with us!

My inlaws are being completely different about the whole thing and we sometimes wish that we hadn't told them about our plans so early. They don't really want to discuss it at all and if they do then its just to try and make us feel guilty. They are trying all sorts of tactics to try and get us to change our minds and my SIL has said that she will never come and visit us.

Its difficult but we are going for it anyway. Your mum sounds great and a lot like my parents.

TraceyW

Sorry to be negative, but you might not ever learn to live with the guilt. Some do, some don't. I haven't, even after 2.5 years. My Mum and my in-laws (whom I'm really close to) have always been pretty supportive of our move and do not try to sway me in my decisions about being here. I just miss having them in our lives. Simple as that.

You're obviously close to your Mum, which will make it hard for both of you. Just keep telling yourself, and her, this might not be forever, things change over time.

I know we all said/say during the immigration process that you can't live your lives for your parents. I get that, I understand it totally. But when you're close to them and you love them, surely you want them as part of your life, in a constant state, not via phones or e-mails? There will also come a time when they will be unable to make that gruelling journey to see us, and it's not that practical for a complete family to travel back to the UK from here on a regular basis, the prices prevent that. So, consequently, I personally have great problems imagining my Mum, sat on her own in an old folks home, with nobody to visit her. I just can't deal with that thought.

Hence, we will be returning. For many reasons, but our extended family play a part in our decisions to go back, and we are relishing the thought of having them close again and them being involved in ours and their grandchildrens lives.

But everyone is an individual, and you have to make your own mind up. I just wanted to tell you how it can be for some, but certainly not for all out here. I have friends who are still close to their Mums, have regular contact by phone and they feel that's fine for them. So it can be done, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Mrs Kiwi

I completely understand your decision to return to the UK, Tracey, I really do. Good luck with everything when you return and well done for trying Australia. The idea of my mum alone in an old folks home desperately worries me too, but that is unlikely to be for at least 10 years yet if it does happen so part of me is saying that I should do my thing now and go to Australia and then in 10 years time or whenever it does happen, I would certainly consider returning to the UK to look after a sick mother if necessary. The one thing about my situation that makes it more flexible is that we don't have any kids and we aren't really bothered about having them either, so we could yo-yo back & forward if absolutely necessary although I do ache to be settled somewhere. We currently have some equity in our UK house which we will eventually sell if we are happy in Australia, but if at all possible I would love to buy a tiny flat in the UK and rent it out to pay the mortgage. That way it may be possible for us to go between the two occasionally. You never know !!!

Niccizoy

i totally understand, we havent even been accepted yet and my mums in tears. I love my mum and dad dearly, could never imagine being apart from them but we have decided its best for the children. My mum comes round every morning to see the girls before going to work and they are her life. I will miss her terribly and its really going to be hard.

But as i said we havent been accepted yet so may not have to put her through it but if we do, i am going to be riddled with guilt

micmay3_in_oz

The question you should ask yourself is just how guilty would your mum feel if you didn't follow up on the opportunity because you feel guilty about leaving her? I'm not going to make no bones about it you probably will feel heartbroken when you leave her but technology these days does help to ease it. I see mum on the webcam, we text each other every day and speak a couple of times a week. On one level she didn't want us to and I didn't want to leave but on another we knew it was an opportunity that we should go for. I also knew she would be devastated if she thought we didn't go for it because of her. Mum has been really supportive, she even keeps me supplied with proper Cadbury's chocolate.

If I am honest when we first came I felt a damn sight worse then when I lost my dad. I had no control over that. I chose to emigrate and it hasn't been easy. The OH mum is coming over in Easter but mum has decided not to as she needs a bit more time before she could cope with us enduring having to leave each other again. But like I said I can pick up the phone and talk to her, I can't do that with my dad. Unlike you though I have brothers and sisters who live not far from my mum who I know will keep an eye on her, but she has very few friends. It does sound as if you mum does have a nice network of friends around her.

We are both lucky in that we do have very supportive mums and with a mum like that just remember love can cross oceans.

Good luck with everything

Mx

lor

Just wanted to send you a hug and some K and let you know that all though only you really now how you feel. My own feelings of guilt didn't feel so bad once we were here and after I had spoken to them from this side of the world. As they all now just seem so happy and excited for us.
Lor

Exile

Sorry to sound negative, but your post makes me want to scream "Stop! Are you sure?"

Surely being with a loving, extended family is best for the children. Why do you think it will be better for them here in Australia? And what about you? The kids won't be happy if you aren't.