helinuk

try again-
love the advert BP

and the "learn a lanuage "LOL -
will send to my old Singapore friends

Bordy

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their
Eyes on crutches with a cast from his feet to his
hips. Matthew Kelly introduces as Simon.

"It's very brave of you to come out here" says Matthew
"please tell the audience what happened?"

"Well" replies Simon, "about a year ago I was driving
with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.
Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I
survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours
before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me
in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my
legs."

"That's terrible! But I see you have legs now. Are
they artificial?" asks Matthew.

"No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors
informed me that myuncle had in fact died, but that
his legs were fine and with all the advances in
medical science they could graft his legs onto my
body. The operation was successful and I have been
having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be
walking fully again by the end of the year".

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

"That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going
to be?"

"Tonight Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle".

EssexNobby

This joke must have originally come from an Ozzie !

============================================

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Bruce, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Bruce, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Bruce was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Bruce showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Bruce announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:-

"Fust," he said, "I don"t want to have to kuss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Wull," said Bruce, "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500."

loose

Put this on a while ago, but it still makes me laugh so here goes again....


Whats a Shih Tzu?






One with no penguins!!





geddit...no penguins........ah I love it!!!

Everyone should go to the pub Friday lunchtime!

austensue

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
While they are there the mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home for £5,000 or they can bury her in the Holy Land for only £150.

The guy thinks for a while and then says, "We'll ship her home."

"Are you sure?" the undertaker asks. "That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2,000 years ago they buried a bloke here and three days later he rose from the dead.

"I just can't take that chance."


Aus

moneypenny20

Thanks guys. Had a a c**p couple of days, but this lot made me laugh v loud

moneypen20

austensue

O.K. just one more!!!

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."




Aus

scutterUK

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you peckers back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

"Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet."

"@#%$!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"

scutterUK

A blonde bird pushes her Punto into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

scutterUK

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops". WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops"

scutterUK

and a few from peter kay before i go home..

met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

PHIZA

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them downon the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."

loose

some good stuff keep em coming......

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year...

* 9½ Leeks

* Trefforest Gump

* Cwmando

* The Lost Boyos

* An American Werewolf in Powys

* Huw Dares Gwyneth

* Dai Hard

* The Wizard of Oswestry

* Cool Hand Look-you

* Sheepless in Seattle

* The Eagle has Llandudno

* The Magnificent Severn

* Haverfordwest Was Won

* Austin Powys

* The Magic Rhonddabout

* Independence Dai

* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch That Time Forgot

* Seven Brides from Seven Sisters

* Welsh Connection

* Welsh Connection II

* The Bridge on the River Wye

* Lawrence of Llandybie

* A Beautiful Mind-you

* The Welsh Patient

* The King and Mair

* The Sheepshag Redemption

* Breakfast at Taffynys

* Look You Back in Bangor

* Evans Can Wait

* A Fishguard Called Rhondda

* Where Eagles Aberdare

* Dial M For Merthyr

Please contact the Welsh Assembly for actual dates of release and for literal translations where needed.

Nige37

There was a boy who worked in the fresh veg section of the supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy told him thet they only sold whole heads of cabbage, but the man replied thet he did not need a whole head, but only wanted a half head. The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, '' There is some a##hole out there who only wants to buy half a head of cabbage.'' As he was finishing this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ''and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.'' The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, ''you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but i must say i was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on you feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?'' The boy replied ''Liverpool,'' ''Oh really?'' the manager said ''and why did you leave?'' The boy replied ''In Liverpool they're all either Whores or Football players.'' My wife is from Liverpool!!!'' the manager exclaimed. The boy paused for a second then asked.. ''what team does she play for?

PHIZA

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."