lauralollipop

Ha, ha!


Nice one, Like all them!

laura

lauralollipop

cookie1

re : FRIDAY FUNNIES
Man goes to drs with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bottom!

"That looks nasty" says the doc.

"nasty?" says the man

"Thats just the tip of the iceberg!"


Sorry, i like it!!

sunny_samantha

These are great!

Gold Coasters

A lonely spinster, aged 75, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All Applicants apply in person."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. She opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs!

She asked, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you... you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted, "You don't have any hands either!!

Again the old man smiled. "Therefore, I cannot beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

The old gentleman beamed a broad smile. "I rang the doorbell,
Didn’t I?"

Gold Coasters

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47!"

Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your knickers. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".

The old man slips both hands down her knickers and begins to feel around. After several minutes she says, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands slowly and says, you are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

Gold Coasters

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my L0VE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

L0VE dress? But you're naked!"

My husband L0VE’s me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my L0VE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Gold Coasters

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the World, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Inner London, Norfolk and anywhere in Wales.

wulfruna

The Australian Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

'Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."

wulfruna

You can get rid of the >>>> in Emails by downloading a small Program at http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

scitta

The blonde got tired of being the butt of jokes and decided to do her PhD.
While looking out for a unique subject to write her thesis on she saw a cockroach walking around.
The blonde places the cockroach on the table and cut one of its legs. And she said to him, 'WALK!'. The cockroach moves forward.
Then she cuts its second leg and shouts, 'WALK!' The cockroach manages to
move forward.
She then cuts its third leg and commanded, 'WALK!' The cockroach manages
to wriggle forward on one leg.
Finally she cuts its fourth leg and shouts, 'WALK!'.
The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table.
The blonde repeated the same experiment with over a thousand cockroaches.
And she found all results matched.
The blonde was jubilant, 'Now! My thesis is ready!' She proceeds to write down
the subject: 'When All Four Legs Of A Cockroach Are Cut It Becomes
Deaf!'