MikeStanton

Pure fiction?

Some of the following names have been changed to protect the guilty...

Starring:

Badge as Betty,
Don as Middle Earth;Odaat as the Asian eunuch, Low IQ : together they are the 'Doom Brothers',
Vicky Pollard as Quinkana,
Mutant as himself - the 2-headed rent boy,
Grayling as "He who is even-handed",
Podgy Possum as South Australia,
OzTennis as a home economics teacher in a lesser-known borstal in a lesser-known Scottish town, just around a lesser-known corner,
Simone as the Survey Meister, aka Queen Irritating
ABC Diamond as ABC Diamonte
Mr Mover as ,,
And introducing wombat42 as the 'green stuff at the back of the fridge'

Our plucky adventurers are hurtling towards planet Redneck. Having departed the calm shores of FirstWorld only 22 hours previously, things are not looking good. If only they'd followed Betty's advice and read the user manual.

Don and Odaat: "It's going to crash. We're all going to die!"

ABCDiamonte: "I used to think that, but not any more. In fact I thought we weren't going to die for a few minutes, then I thought we were. And now I'm back thinking that we won't. Until I change my mind again."

Betty "Look. People from all walks of life often ask me, 'How do you get out of this sticky situation, Badge...err...I mean Betty?' And I tell them, 'Simple. Don't get into it in the first place.' "

Podgy Possum: "Oh no; we've just lost a wing"

Betty: "That'll slow us down"

Wombat42: "If we lose the other wing, we could be up here all night"

Mr Mover: ",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,!"

Betty: "Who built this escape pod - it's made from fibro? It's crap! But, of course, there's crap in all countries. And, at least, this is crap made by people from all walks of life - all from the school of hard knocks. And there's no class system here - OK there's a huge gap between rich and poor, but at least no Lord So-and-so is going to served ahead of me in an Oz supermarket. I mean, just that's gotta be worth going to the other side of the world for right there, innit? And I think this crap is better than crap
I've seen in other countries; besides, I've got a ute, so there"

Grayling: "It says here it is a 'Same shit, shinnier bucket V1' - designed by Aussie Battlers and then built in China. It's rubbish!"

Quinkana: "Yeah, but no but yeah but no but yeah but no. This fing wot you know nuffin about. See 'ere it wasn't any Aussies fault. Cos if there was a design flaw then obviously the Chinese should 'ave told us - so it's really their fault. And sometime over the past thousand years a Pom would have been in China, beating the natives and forcing 10 families to live on half a squirrel for a year. And Mutant was behind the school shed wiv wombat42 and Hevs. And they was plucking sommat - well, that's wot I fink they said. So, it's really all the Poms' fault; not us Aussies. No, it's never our fault. And we beat the Poms at cricket and stuff. So they is the evil ones. We is good and all Aussie battlers. So there!"

Mutant: "Yeah, I know what yous means. Britain is so class-ridden. We was so poor, that my 15 brothers and sisters lived in a council house made from Hovis. On Christmas morning, we was given one piece of string - between us - for a present. And we had to give it back in the afternoon. And I did my first drive-by at the age of two. But could I become a gangster rappa? No. Bet you Prince Chaz could become one at a drop of an Uzi. Why? Cos of the British class system...Now I have to spend my days being a rubbish transvestite and a part-time traffic light...""

Grayling: "Perhaps the real reason you didn't succeed is that you have no talent"

Mutant: Sniffs "Never! DIMIA wants me, so I must be good. I'm a wanted person."


Simone: "5 minutes have passed, so it must be time for a new survey. How about a survey on 'My favourite flavour of sand is..?.' "

Betty: "OzT can you give this baby any more juice?"

OzT: "I'm given her all I can cap'n. She isn't going to take it"

Quinkana: "If music be the food of love..."

Bondipom: "Why mention that? It's irrelevant"

Quinkana:"It's what I do. Look, here's a survey of dry cleaners in Darwin"

The spaceship 'Gullible One' vibrated violently; Betty's mussels quivered.

Odaat: "Betty, did you have to bring your pet molluscs with you?"

Don: "Wait a minute. You're not my brother!"

Odaat: "How do you know?"

Don: "You didn't make at least 5 spelling mistakes in the last sentence"

Odaat looked sheepish and Podgy Possum found herself strangely aroused.

Simone: "How about A survey on 'What I did between 12 am and 12:01 am...'?"

Only Betty's training as a blind jet pilot saved the plucky ones from certain death...

Staggering from the crippled craft, they encounter a small, wizened hag.

Don: "We're all going to crash! Oh, I forgot...we're still alive. Who is this wrinkled hag?"

Quinkana: That's no way to talk about my 25-year old girlfriend. But she's a lovely shade of non-Aborigine, don't you think?"

Betty:"Look at that ring of bright light, is it the light that we seek?"

Podgy Possum:"I don't normally say anything - because I'm a sensitive flower, but, but..."

Wombat42: "You're in a bit of state"

Podgy Possum: "I am a state"

Wombat42: "Look, I've been thinking. OK, I lie. But, I just wanted to say that we may be racist, small-minded and parochial. But we're the most racist, small-minded, parochial racist in the country in the world. Bar none. Well, we bar a lot - especially if they can't say "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie" in Swahili"

Simone: "I know, a survey on the number of different ways to say Perth..."

Betty: "We have found it, we have found...."

Don: "You mean...?"

Betty: "Yes, it is he who gives us succour. He who makes the rational irrelevant and the obviously ridiculous sensible. Yes, it is RTS!"

ABC Diamonte: "Rose Tinted Spectacles. We are not worthy!"

Mr Mover: "!!!!!!!!1,,,,,,,,,,,,''''''''''''"

OzTennis: "Before I show them how to make some mince pies and run-up some rather fetching curtains, what is the meaning of life, oh great RTS?"

In a high-pitched Aussie-twang, RTS speaks: "Aussie Rules, cripplingly-cold and gassy beer, BBQs and McMansions"

Simone: "I know. How about a survey on the meaning of life...?"

Mutant: "Any other words of wisdom, before I rip your head off?"

RTS: "Yes. There must be no introspection, no self-criticism; be simplistic. See things in black and white - well, white anyway.

And always remember : 2 thoughts good, 4 thoughts bad".

seang

Class

Grayling

Happy to play a small part.

G

wombat42

A Classic Mike Stanton piece.
Except for the part that described me as the green stuff behind the fridge.

Phoenixuk2oz

The skies darkened, a hush came over the stricken passengers and an eeire stillness prevailed......

"heck" said ABCDiamonte "statistics tell me it's not normally THIS dark at this time of year....what's happening?"

"It never used to do this when I lived here before" said Simone "here are some photographs, look it wasn't this dark was it?"

Suddenly Podgy Possum drew in a sharp intake of breath, shaking and pointing in the direction of the darkest cloud, there in the distance stood a dark figure, very small in stature, but very dark....

"look everyone, it's the prince of darkness himself" said Podgy...."I knew it, I just knew it, it's that Stike Manton. I'ma good judge of character and I had feelings this was going to happen".......

"Hello Stike" said Betty Badger, grinning, drawing on another spliff..."I wondered when we'd meet, can I buy you a drink? I'm a good sort of fella.....don't wanna fall out ......lets talk, we've got lots to talk about me and yous"

Stike Manton stood, arms foulded in black cape and mask [weedy Darth Vadar lookalikey] breathing heavy, stern face, silent, no response.

"Ooo you're breathing heavy Stike" said Podgy, worried Stike was not well hence the heavy breathing.

"Actually" responded Simone, "if you look closer, Stike's got his undies on outside his pants, they look like kids undies, a bit tight, maybe THAT'S why his breathing is heavy?"

Suddenly Stike unfolded his arms and said................

eatstatic

A brave and worthy attempt to drag the Aus forum out of the stale doldrums it is been in of late........

Absolutely brilliant Mike pure inspired, ranks you up there with the grand master of this forum, the late great Pommie Bastard!

soapy©

Great stuff, gave a good laugh cheers

Quinkana

Little Britain - sounds like you have finally found your place in the World. I'll have a word to Rupert about continuously beaming down channel 7, 9, 10 ads to keep the remaining inmates pre-occupied.

Most sincere thanks to all the world's clay idols for DIMIA .

Quinkana

So here it is:

"The Opium War, also called the Anglo-Chinese War, was the most humiliating defeat China ever suffered. In European history, it is perhaps the most sordid, base, and vicious event in European history, possibly, just possibly, overshadowed by the excesses of the Third Reich in the twentieth century."

Ch'ing China: The Opium Wars

Simone

lol


Haven't done a poll for about 5 months.
Hmm, bout time again!

Geez, how bored are you???!!!

Badge

Nice one Mike.

Me in a nutshell: tolerant, fair, but pragmatic...

I like it.

BM

Badge

But leave the ute out of it

aussimex

fantastique, superbe, brillant!!