mabozar

Has anyone had problems with family prior to emigrating? i.e. the ones that are left behind, parents, grandparents etc.

We are soon to flit to Perth WA, have visa, and soon to put house on market.
All was well until there was a 'small' fallout in family on my in laws side. Everyone is happy to kiss and make up, apart from my mother in law who is a bit of a witch.

This is my wifes step mum, who would make an excellent role model for all those wicked step mothers in all those childrens fairy tales.

Father in law is a nice old bloke, but too spineless to stand up to her.

Basically, they have said to my wife, that if things are not sorted out, they will not come out to Oz and see us, thus our kids will never see their grandparents again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How's that for emotional blackmail!!!???

Obviously this is very settling for us, and very upsetting for my wife, who is an absolute angel, and makes it kind of difficult to go, leaving on bad terms.

Any time my wife, Carol, calls them, she ends up in tears, upset at their attitude. I've tried talking to them, and remained calm, even though I feel like ripping their heads off.

Anyone else had any such problems, and if so did you manage to resolve them.
Any comments or advice would be most welcome.

Ian

tum

Hi Ian,

So by sorted out, the evil witch from the north must mean on her terms. Is there any possibility for her to meet your wife half way or is she so headstrong that there is no way that she will - for your kids and your father in law's sake - put in an effort to make things work again. She possibly isn't.

The real question is, if it's so important for your wife to make sure you are on speaking terms again, how far is your wife willing to go if she doesn't. If it means giving in (don't know how big the problem is though) to her stepmum so that she and her father will come, it could be a possibility to do so.

On the other hand if it is really a big issue and it means that you really have to grovel to end the argument,........I don't know what I would do....!

Good luck with whatever happens next, I really feel for your wife and for you, it's always awful to see this happen and not being able to solve it. Good on ya for keeping your patience and remaining calm by the way.

take care,

Miranda

eddie007

Hideous situation, but not uncommon for some one to try a little crude blackmail ... nasty, nasty, nasty... If you have time let the dust settle and try approaching FiL without the witch present...

MY Sister in Law cut me out of her circle when we got back to gether after we split due to serious pressures.. ... she said she would never forgive me and 13 years later she still hasn't.. , which is sad because I am very fond of her husband, hubby's brother, He visits now, but without her.

So far she has boycotted invitations to our wedding, our kids chrisitenings and various family functions... she walks past our house but never stops and will walk past me in the street. The worst was I phoned and asked her to be godmother to one of our children as a peace offering... she said no thank you. I have wasted a good many tears on this woman. But now I see it is her problem, it no longer effects me so she is the only one who is bovvered...

Ultimately they are loosing out, becasue you will be moving on and their best chance of contact with the grandchildren they love is to be sensible...

Can your wife give them some space? If the witch knows she is upsetting your wife then she is winning... don't give her the satisfaction....

The most important thing is to be there 100% for your wife, which is clearly what you are doing...

Cameron Clan

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.
That's horrible and you know the step mother should take a good look at herself - that is dreadful playing that card as she knows that will make you and your wife feel guilty - that's not someone who really has your best interests at heart isit?
My in-laws are so supportive although I know deep down they are hurting but they are so lovely in saying its the best thing for us and what a wonderful opportunity.
You do what's right for you - she ios obviously a very selfish person and she will never change.
Sending you lots of karma xx

NedKelly

You have described this woman as a wicked witch. It seems to me that as she is only a 'step mother' and not a blood relative you should tell her that your children are not her real grandchildren anyway so that's her problem. You might want to remind her that it is up to you to invite her to Perth and at the rate she is going she will not get an invite.

StevenChez

I can't understand her grounds for objection. As she's not bent under pressure so far I suppose it would be difficult to have a private word to find out exactly whats bugging her and to put her at ease. It would also appear that she'd remain stoical no matter how much placating because she's set on her stance.

I'd send her a bunch of flowers saying 'we're going to miss you just as much, you're lovely' see if she melts. She'll see you mean business, that you're decision is final but that you'd like her blessing.

Cheryl

p.s. other than that, tell her to stick her nose where it's wanted the bat. Sorry, I'm not good with MIL's. Had nasty fight with mine (I was in right and I won )

eddie007

LAte father in law's girlfriend was a witch... took him for £150k .... whilst he was terminally ill... in fact dying... and then when he was still warm she cleared out the rest of his belongings... we had to wait until he was cremated to get our own back... we told her we had put his ashes in the wheelie bin

Sincere apologies for any offence I may have caused, we didn't really put him in it, but after everything she did ..... we were really affected by her behaviour at the time... now .... no worries luckily they never married.

mabozar

Hi,

Thanks all for your comments and support.
We've tried being nice and grovelling, but has not worked.
Basically, over the years she has made a half hearted effort at playing mother or grandmother. She does it when it suits her.
When it doesn't suit her, she is a snooty cow.
A couple of minor examples:- My wife Carol, a few years ago went back to college to better herself and get a better job. She had a few temp jobs here and there. She got an interview at MiL's work. When she went for interview, MiL made it plainly clear that Carol was not her daughter, but her STEP DAUGTHER, and did everything she could to discourage her boss from employing Carol. Very nice.
Another occasion, Carol was passing by their house with our kids. She thought she would pop in to say hello. After all, grandparents usually jump through hoops to see their grand kids. My 2 kids especially, they are great to be around. Not her. The witch turned them away at the door saying she was busy polishing her nails or some crap like that.

The above examples are the tip of the iceberg. Believe me she has done worse, but I would end up boring you all to tears.

We've tried grovelling, and apologising, when it should not even be us that need to, but she has made it plain that she wants nothing to do with us.

Everyone that know's her, have the same opinion, that we should GTF to Oz and tell her to get lost.

Just wish Carol's dad had some bottle to sort out MiL.
The issue that fall outs are based around are totally daft too, i.e. no crimes have been committed, or adultory or anything like that.

Cheers,

Ian

Wendy

She sounds very insecure and jealous of your Dad's extended family.

I would hazard a guess that your FIL is stuck in the middle of all this, and I don't think you should be too hard on him. Yes, he seems to be 'siding' with his wife, but can you really blame him for that, after all he has to live with her. But I bet that he will be feeling really bad about what is happening.

I think you'll just have to be the bigger person here, just make up to keep the peace, then try to ignore anything she says that is out of hand and walk away from any confrontation with her.

Let your FIL know that he will always be welcome to phone or visit and just leave it at that. Emmigrating is hard enough without the added hassle of all this.

Wendy
(Another one with a horrid FIL's 'new' wife in the family. )

petensue

I agree with Wendy you have done all you can and it is amazing that you have kept so calm during all the things you have had to put up with.Sue.

smoggieswilltravel

hi

I really feel for you as I think that when your due to move so far away you tend to worry about those your leaving behind more than you do your self. To be honest your mother in-law sounds like a school yard bully and to a great extent a bit of an attention seeker. The best possible thing to do is for you and especially your poor wife to stay away from her and don't contact her anymore. You have tried and not received a balanced adult reaction. She is probably loving you all pleading and begging with her, all the while making your selves upset. Give her so much space she will hang her self. She sound like the kind of person that loves attention and when that all dries up, I think that you may find that she will eventually find some way of having to make contact again. Start thinking of your self and don't let anyone spoil what should be a really exciting time for you all,

Good luck, and don't let any wicked witch of the west get you down.

Keep smiling

RedT

Hi Ian,

Just my two cents but you do NOT need to be pandering to this witch and her whims when you have so much else on your plate with the move. She’s calling the shots and from my point of view, as long as you keep grovelling and trying to win her round you’re letting her call the shots. Leave her alone, let her stew and she may eventually realise that SHE’S the one with everything to lose in this situation. Yes, your kids might not see their grandwitch but if she’s that bad, is it really a loss?!

My mother is a part-time witch (almost worse than the full time ones as you never know which you’re going to get!). I tried pleasing her for years, gave in to her emotional blackmail and it only made me miserable. The last time she really offended me I completely ignored her for about three weeks. Eventually I got the whimpering phonecall and apology because (although it had taken her THREE WEEKS) she eventually realised she was wrong and she couldn’t behave like that.

If your FIL is too weak to stand up to her then again, that’s his problem, not yours. He’s made his bed, like my dad he’s probably lying in it quietly in the hope of staying out of the firing line and having a relatively peaceful life. I reckon if you ignore her and pay her no attention whatsoever (which is after all, what she’s after) and once you have moved, she’ll realise that she has no-one to torment and she may well try to make amends. If not then you have a toxic woman out of your lives.

All the best with it!

T

sheli0508

I have a similar problem to Redt.... expcept my mother would allow hell to freeze over before ehe would ever apologise.

I posted on here sometime ago after a particularly bad day and got loads of fantastice replies from both people in similar situations and those who are fortunate enough to have wonderful caring parents...

At the end of the day it is your life..... you and yours are the priority and her negativity if you stay here will only infiltrate the rest of your life...... the best bit is at least there's no blood tie with her and hopefully the Fil will eventually see that his daughter is more important than the wicked witch of the north.....

best of luck you deserve to be happy.

Shelley

Hel&Will

Like someone said - you can't choose your family - unfortunately.

When we were finally granted our visas in March I told my mum immediately. She accused me of being selfish and being brainwashed by my husbands family (who are in Oz). She has known for 3 years that we were trying to emigrate and no I did not expect her to be happy for us when we finally got the visas. Although we are now on talking terms she refuses to discuss our move later this year. She hates flying so has said that she will never visit us and her only grandson and now the sooner we go the better!

Ontop of this, my only sister announced a week after our visas were granted that she is getting married next year. I am thrilled that she has finally found someone who makes her happy and that she is getting married and maybe going to start a family, it is just the timing is so crap. We don't know if we will be able to afford to come back next summer for her wedding which has not gone down too well with her. She is trying to make me feel guilty as she wants me to help her organise her wedding, go on her hen do, be there if and when she has a baby - all decided after she knew we had to land in Oz during January 2008.

I do have days where I panic at the thought of moving and leaving everything that I know behind. I just wish my mum and sister would understand that this was not an easy decision to make and try to be supportive to us instead of putting us on a guilt trip all the time.

VikkiL

Why is it always about what they want and not whats best for you and your family? We have been very fortunate that mums and dads are happy for us (through gritted teeth!) but have read many accounts on BE of parents accusing their sons and daughters of 'taking the grandchildren away', 'being selfish' etc etc etc.

They dont seem to stop for one minute and think what a great opportunity it could be for their grandchildren or of how much of a hard decision it is for most of us to go in the first place.

Stop worrying about what they want and concentrate on you and your family.
Isnt it strange how suddenly us being in the UK becomes so important to everybody?!