Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

To all you that are having the emotional blackmail before you are even here. My mum was the same, "I'm never getting on a plane and going all that way" she'd only ever been as far as Spain and wouldn't leave here seat even for the toilet!!

Well 2 years down the line my parents have just booked their 3rd visit to see us next February :) . They have been over for a 12 week visit and a 15 week visit already. My dad celebrated his 70th birthday with us this year. They have both said what a great country it is. They forever tell us we made the right decision, how we have a better life, the children have much more here and how in the UK they don't even feel safe anymore. (Keep trying to work on them moving here but don't think they would get in).

My IL's on the other hand supported us all the way as they almost came over in the 70's. NIght before we left my MIL had a drunken swearing match at ME telling me not only have I taken her son away I'd taken her Grandchildren. She said she would never forgive us for not letting them go to the airport to see us off... they've been out twice also

I agree with what was said earlier about going to the airport alone. We felt like we were setting off on a huge adventure, which is how we portrayed it to the children (then 5 and 7). Tears would have been too difficult to control with people there. There were lots of tears at the airport as I think 3/4 of the plane were all emigrating!! but we all supported each other and had a common bond on the flight.

BE STRONG DO WHATS BEST FOR YOUR FAMILY. You can't live your life for other people. It's better to try and fail than give in to emotional blackmail and live with regrets.

Good Luck, it will be worth it in the end.

Louise.

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

I am, ironically, heartened to see so many other people having problems with the relations back in the old country. I feel better about my own situation as I see it is more normal than I thought. In my case (and I think this could apply to many families) my family is waiting, unconsiously, until I get over my silliness and move back home. When I do, they will include me again in their lives. They don't even think they are being unkind; they just really believe that since I deviated from the normal path of life I must be the one to make all the contact etc. It wouldn't occur to them that they might learn something about my adopted country and perhaps teach my neices anything about Australia etc etc.

I have been in this part of the world for the last 15 years and I had a sister and my mother visit me--once each and within the first four years. Since then, I don't hear from my younger sister at all; it is one way traffic only-I call her. I have never, in 15 years, heard from my father. The only time I talk to him is when I call my parents and my mom puts him on the phone. He asks what time it is and marvels at the difference--still! My older sister, who did some moving around herself, is much more willing to communicate, and phones me a few times a year.

I hate to say it, but the resentment I feel has been a bit overwhelming at times, and lately has kept me from visiting them myself. However, since I see how many other people have similar reactions I feel better--my family are not weirdos but could be considered sort of normal. Sad but true.

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

Either that or they're just less nutty than most :D I've got sisters who did the same to me. two write regularly & one doesn't say boo. It's hard, so you get karma from me to help you cope.

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

Thanks louise,

seeing so many in the same boat has really helped. I had a wobble prior to starting this thread and was going to jack it all in. But I'm the type of person who would spend the rest of my life playing the "what if" game.

As you say, if I try and fail then at least I've tried. I'm just waiting for mother to say "go, if it gets it out of your system". :)


Flash.

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

I'm in the same boat too and I am pleased (you know what I mean) that there are others who can relate to this situation.

Last year we booked a holiday in Australia and when we told my parents my dad didn't speak to me for a fortnight, and it eventually came out that he'd got an inkling we were going to go there to live and take their grandson away. Anyway, not long after we came back I discovered I was pregnant and eventually put the spouse visa application on hold (I was born in Australia to British parents who stayed for four years and came back, never getting Australian citizenship, more fool them). Earlier this year we decided to resurrect the visa application and in April this year hubby's visa was granted the day after our second son was born. We booked another trip to Australia in August (had a fantastic time) and my sister came with us. She told them before I did that we were going on holiday there again, and their reaction was so negative "(AUSTRALIA? AUSTRALIA? That poor baby! That poor boy! What will he do on a plane for that long??? Blah blah blah ...") - so it became a bit of a stand off and I didn't tell them anything myself until they finally broached it with me a couple of weeks before we were due to go. Even though we're now back from our trip, they still don't really ask about it, it's as if they're dreading us saying the awful words - "we're going to move to Australia", and can't deal with it. They don't know about the visa. As we've finally decided to make the move we're going to have to tell them, this Friday, and I'm dreading it. (We're having a party on Saturday and I don't want fellow guests asking them what they think of our plans when we've not told them ourselves!). I just know we'll get the whole guilt trip, particularly from my mother who has already told my sister that she wouldn't come and visit us when she mentioned it hypothetically. My dad might have something to say about it though, as I know he would really like to see the place again. My mother had enough of the place and dragged us all to England when we were kids because it was too hot, she was lonely etc, and isn't at all keen on the idea of going back to visit even though all of Australia is not like Whyalla where they were. They have a dog too ...

Sorry if this sounds a bit garbled, just thought I'd share my experience. I'll let you know their reaction after we've broken the bad news on Friday.

PS: The in-laws think it's a great idea and are looking forward to holidays in Oz and even buying a property over there for their holidays. But they could change their mind when reality sets in and we're getting on the plane ...

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

Not garbled at all... One thing that does strike me from reading through the thread, is that the always seems to be one set of parents who fully support the move and the other set that doesn't.

Wonder if there is some sort of built in ying yang thing going on?

[IMG]http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/9...ormalni0tk.gif[/IMG]


Flash.

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

Another thing that strikes me is how the dog/cat/goldfish are good excuses for not going over to visit !!!

My parents didn't speak about it for about 8 months, totally blanked the whole thing. Only a couple of weeks ago did they actually acknowledge we were going.......think up until then they hoped it would all fall through.

Parents eh........

Judy :)

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

I agree with that. That will be the first thing my mother mentions when we ask them to visit us in Australia. And my witty reply will be: "Well, if you'd rather stay at home with the dog than visit your grandchildren, who am I to argue ..." (though I am aware that I am the one who's put them in that situation by taking the grandchildren away in the first place... :rolleyes: )

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

We must me one of the lucky ones both sets of parents and siblings are really cool about it. We have 3 kids and I do feel a bit of guilt. But I put it to them if they had the opportunity would they take it and of course they said they would and they would not think twice about it. We do not see my family much at all and only saw my dad for the first time in 2 1/2 years on Friday years so my kids don't really know them that well, but it is my husbands mum I would miss the most but she said she would visit and would even think of moving if possible after we get citizenship and she is really excited for us. My husbands brother might move there with his wife who is Australian so hubby's mum will be on her own and this may make it possible for her to come she is 73 and has no one else here. (will keep our fingers crossed). As for friends and family they can come and visit (free accommodation). We have some great friends. That is if we get the go ahead from DIMIA.

I would like to wish all of you the best of luck with your families and hope that they come around to your way of thinking, but if not you have to live your lives not theirs, and as far as I a concerned my husband and kids come first, but saying that I know it must be harder for some of you.

Best of luck

Anitab

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

:p Well, someone said that you can't hug with a web cam, true, but put it this way, you can either not hug us but still be able to see & hear, or not hug, not see and not hear. Anyway, yes, it will take the shine off getting the visas, but you have to think that this is your life. and they are your children. No, I'm not being unsympathetic to the grandparents' feelings, it can't be easy for them, but as someone else said in a post (sorry for not being able to give full credit, if it's someone reading this, then hat's off in your direction) Someone said:

"It's better to fail than to regret"

You wouldn't have bothered signing up to BE.com, or telling people about emigrating if you weren't even semi serious about it. And if you decide to Jack it all in and stay in ole Blighty PURELY because of what she has said or will/might say, then you'll resent her for it. You'll always wonder "what if".

I know I seem rather opinionated on this subject for someone who hasn't experienced your situ, and haven't even started the skills assessment forms, but I know my mother and how she will react, and so I'm planning my attack as it were.

And this is harsh, maybe too harsh, but, you mother will eventually die and you'll be stuck in England because it'll be too late for you to go (unless DIMIA radically change the rules). My guess is that eventually, she'll get used to it (y'all being in Oz I mean).
Here's an idea (one that I intend to do myself) before you go, make sure you've got the cash for a plane ticket(s) for your "olds". Give it to them before you leave and tell them to buy a ticket when you've got yer own house "over there" - or keep the cash yourself, and send them the ticket when you're ready for them. I reckon I'll take opt. 1 as it shows I mean it, I really do want them to come over and see us, whereas opt 2. you could end up spending the cash (as well as knowing my mother, I also know me!!).

Still, I wouldn't recommend not going just on the grounds of some inappropriate, insensitive comments. As other people have said, it probably is because she cares. But she will get used to it, probably the first time she comes out to visit. Because then she'll understand why you're there. You never know, she may emigrate over there as well!!!

Chin up mate. Emigrating is hard, and the hardest part is leaving loved ones, but. If you're determined, resolute and unwaivering in your decision to go, your mum'll get the picture. Keep her involved in the process, or at least up-to-date on the progress, she may "come around" before you go when she realises that her snide remarks aren't working. But if you let her know she'd getting to you or that you enthusiasm is waining.......

Well, that's my oar well and truly shoved in. I hope whatever you decide you're happy, but do remember, she'd had a life and she gave a life with opportunities to you. Now it's your turn to do the same for you kids.

Good luck,

Aj.

p.s. if this post says "Simone" anywere - it's should read "Someone" - I hit the wrong key on the spell check!!!

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

Thanks for hugs Flash xxxx vics xxxx

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

I totally agree...they get through the way they can. Some probably cope better than others but at least try and see their perspective. It was probably said with lots of pain and little thought....as insensitive as that may be.

I can imagine how shattered i would be if my daughter tells me she is going to live in the UK in 20 years time.... :o

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

Both my brother and sister were also born in Australia, like me, so if one or both of them decide to move over too (sister is definitely thinking about it and she only has herself to consider so no immigration issues) this means my parents would pass the balance of family test and give them the real possibility of joining us over there. However, they're retired, they're not made of money unless they sell their house, and I hear the waiting list for the parents migration category is several years long. Plus I doubt somehow that I would ever manage to persuade them to leave their comfort zone and pack up everything and fly all that way permanently even if they were given a visa tomorrow. My mother hated the heat and she was lonely because she didn't drive and in the sixties, two car families were unusual and I think she still thinks Australia is like that (they were in South Australia in semi-desert). :( But either way they're going to give us a hard time and I'm dreading tomorrow when I finally confirm their worst fears.

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

There has been plenty on problems with parents, try using the 'Search' function.

I don't care how many times I post this because you cannot let your parents emotionally blackmail you like this.

After my response to Tazzy's post, five people contacted me about their parents. I received ‘thank-you’s’ from them all and was asked if I’d posted this on the site. Well, below is a copy of my reply. It may seem blunt, but hopefully there are some bits that you can use. Good luck, Steve.




My wife’s family and our closest friends know of our plans. We have two kids, Luke who’s 13 and Lia who’s 7. My wife’s mum has another daughter who emigrated to South Africa nearly 30 years ago and she knows that we are doing what we think is best for us. She knows that she won’t be around for ever, and has said that she won’t try to stop us. She can’t come with us but there is a new retirement visa where we can sponsor her after two years and she can come out that way. It’s very important to leave with options for the parents open. They may not take you up on the offer later, but it makes the process so much easier as they know that they’re not going to say goodbye forever.

Emigrating can be a horrible process for some people. People have to get their skills assessed, some people have to raise money for the application, some people have to sell their houses, the worries of the medical, taking children out of school, giving up jobs, fear of starting a new life all over again, wondering if you really are doing the best for your family and so on. But all these things a ring your control. The only thing that isn't in your control is how your family is going to react. Unfortunately, people have been burdened with a thing called ‘emotion’, which triggers another burden that we have all got, guilt. Unfortunately, the two of these things together, can often take away self-esteem and self-worth. Families are very, very good at using the emotional blackmail card, when it to getting what they want. Whether they mean to or not, people can be very selfish. Tazzy is going through what a lot of people have gone through from parents or grandparents, and the emotional blackmail card in her case is the grandchild.

In my job, I meet a lot of people and of the older ones that I have spoken to, most of them have said that if they had the chance years ago, they would have done exactly the same thing. A lot of them also have children who have emigrated to Australia and have said that although they were wary at first, they knew that deep down, they would have a better life in Australia. It's funny, but a lot of the people who don't want their children to go are the same people that wished that they had jumped at the chance to go to Australia for £10 years ago. The ironic thing is that these people would also have been leaving family behind and may have been taking children or grandchildren with them. These are also the same people who would have told their parents that this was their life, and don't try and run it for me.

As we grow up, we get to know just how emotional our families are, we know what hurts them and we know what upsets them. We know what to say and what not to say. With this in mind, if you have an emotional family, I think it is best not to tell them, while you are in the process of fact-finding and applying. This only causes unnecessary stress, worries and arguments at a time when you don’t know if you’re going or not. If you don’t get in, you don’t have to tell them. If you’ve got emotional parents anyway, though, you’ll probably get the “How could you keep it from us?" line. Either way, you can’t win. And if you know you can’t win, don’t even try to win.

I’m going to start getting pretty blunt now, so be careful. My philosophy is not for everyone and I tend to say what others are afraid to but I know it works. Here goes…

The saying, “ You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family", is so true that most people are too frightened to use the saying to its fullest potential. Your parents will die eventually, I warned you this was going to get blunt, and if you keep putting off what you want to do, because of your family, eventually it will be too late to do what you wanted. I mean it's because you can only apply to emigrate to Australia up to the age of 45. After that you have to wait for retirement. People who have parents that die are normally over 45, and therefore it is too late to emigrate. Let’s have a look at ‘friends’. Friends are chosen very carefully, they are picked from millions of other people either because they are the same as you, like the same things, went to the same school, like the same music or are the complete opposite from you, but you see something in them that you like. It may be that a bit of your friend is a bit of who you want to be. Either way, there is something in that person that you can relate to, look up to or admire. If friends upset you, you can always find new ones. It's not the end of the world. You don’t have to go through life with the same friends, If they upset you, you either sort it out or you move on.

Family, on the other hand, you are born in to by accident of birth. Simple as that. You grow to love them because they feed, clothe and nurture you when you are young. When we grow older, we may not always like what they do. Just because they are ‘ family’, you do not have to put up with it. Family can be very hurtful, selfish, unfeeling, manipulative and stubborn. If this were a ‘friend’ you would dump them, wouldn’t you? Or at least, read them the riot act and try to sort it out so they don’t do it again. So if you can do this to a person who you have chosen to be a friend, why can’t you do this to a person who you had no choice to be with?

Emotion is a powerful thing that stops us doing or saying a lot of things. Sometimes we let our emotions get the better of us and we keep quiet for an easy life. We bottle it up. And the more we do this the easier it becomes to do it again. If we’re not careful, we find ourselves living our lives through someone else’s choices. We’re too easy to please the other person and not ourselves.




I do speak from experience, believe me! I haven’t seen my family for nearly 10 years and I couldn’t be happier. They have only seen my son a few times and have never seen my daughter. I have found a way to sort out which emotions I want to feel and which ones I don’t. It’s my wife who can’t understand how I can just ‘switch off’ certain things like that. She say’s every now and again, “Don’t you miss them?" and I can honestly say, ‘No’.

But it doesn’t have to get that far. If you nip this in the bud, there is no reason why a family cannot go on with you in another country. You don’t have to fall out before you go, just sort out before you go. They are going to get upset, they are going to get emotional and they may get angry. But you have to be strong and consistent for yourself and for them. Consistent for you, because if you show worries or doubt or you keep changing your mind, then they may play on this or think that you’ve not thought it through and it will prolong your own agony. You have to be consistent for them because deep down they want to know that you’ll be all right. This will be the final proof for them that you are ready to fly the nest and make it on your own. You may have thought that you had already flown the nest, but in your parents eyes, you were still not too far away, and they knew that you would always come back to the ‘nest’ if you were in trouble.

If none of this works and your family are still a babbling mess on the floor, then you have to use the only language that they understand, emotion. Play them at their own game, but play to win. Ask them what they would have done. Ask them to forget what you’re doing, and to put themselves in your shoes. Don’t ask them closed questions where they can answer with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers. Ask the open questions that start with ‘who, when, why, what, how and where’.

Set the scenario for them;

“Mum, Dad, imagine it was you in our shoes and you knew that your children were at risk on the streets and you feared for their future? Now suppose, just suppose you had the chance to bring your family up in a safer environment and give them a better standard of living and a better chance for the future because, let’s face it, things are only getting worse here, aren’t they?"

Then ask some open questions, like,

“How would you have felt, if you really thought you were doing the right thing but YOUR parents didn’t want you to go?"

“What would you have said to someone who tried to talk you out of wanting a better lifestyle for yourself and your children?"

“Why don’t you want me to give the kids a better chance in life?"

See what I mean? They can’t just answer ‘yes or no’ to any of these questions, it’ll get a discussion going and you’ll find out what their real ‘fears’ are. Once you find out, you can deal with them and put them to rest. (Their fears, not your parents!)

I don’t agree with the idea of only going for a year to see if you like it. Your parents will think it’s another hair brained scheme that’s doomed to failure, and you’ll be to cautious to set down roots or try anything permanent because in your head, you’re already going back. Say to them, “Look, if we go, there’s no reason why you can’t come out to us". “Maybe once we’re there we could sponsor you to come out or maybe you could retire over here. After all, it would be a better lifestyle for you as well as for us".

Well, I’ve waffled on enough and put the world to rights! You’re on your own now! Remember that YOU control YOUR life. Your grateful to your parents but you have you own family’s future to consider now. Remind them that if you had moved to Scotland or Spain, for example, if anything goes wrong in the family, by the time you make arrangements to travel home, you still wouldn’t be able to get home ‘till the next day. Same from Australia, it’s still only a day away, isn’t it?

Good luck,

Steve.

Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
 

[Oh No :scared: I can,t beleive your mum told your child she would commit suicide if you went. I thought my mother in law was bad enough. Hope she never looks at this site, it might put ideas into her head. I must admit though that one of my biggest fears is that my daughter might want to go back home when she is older. I truly dont think I could settle if she was living on the other side of the world. :( I only hope that the decission I make will be the right one, same for everyone else too :)



QUOTE=Xgeminix]I completely sympathise with your situation. When I told my mum back in March she went stuck the knife in and twisted it completely.. I did exactly the same as you and posted on this forum to get things off my chest..when she told my now 10 year old she would commit suicide if we went totally did it for me and everyone on here was really supportive. Now my mother has calmed down and resided to the fact that we are going whether she likes it or not. I just get the few comments now and again like when she takes the baby's bib off that has 'I love Grandma on' she'll say "oh, that will have to go straight in the bin when you go". As for my In-laws...totally the opposite, Andrew's dad would have a fit if we turned round and said we not going anymore, he's looking forward to a free 3 month holiday too much!!![/QUOTE]