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Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Hi there,
That woul p**s me right off too, using the kids is just not on and dreadfully immature on her behalf. On the positive side - they will get used to it. My parent's-in-law are small town people who see moving out of the town as a big step. Moving to the other side of the world is (was) almost beyond their ken. But they have got used to it over time (in our case we have been together for 6 years and plan to go early next year so they have had a lot of tiem to get used to it!). I do still get a bit :mad: that they won't make plans to come and see us. who knows they might one day decide to get on a plane and come down under but we've had to plan our move based on the assumption that they will never come and see us. It annoys me so much at times, they are just so stuck in their ways and unadventurous but we'll never change them and they are my husbands parents and my childrens' grandparents so what can you do :rolleyes: Michelle |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. I sympathise deeply. I am Australian, my husband English. We now have our spouse visa for him to go. The first time we mentioned that we intended to go to Aus we got the same reaction "what is best for you etc". As things became closer to a reality (they don't know we actually have the visa yet - the confirmation arrived on the weekend and they have been away). The "we won't be able to visit you know we are too old etc" started up. I have been in the UK for 3 years now and my folks (similar age) have been over numerous times, so I don't think this is a real issue, just emotional blackmail. It is easy to say ignore it, much much harder to do. You do need to do what is best for you as as an A&E nurse it should be a doddle to get a visa and job. We know that I am Australian and we told them when we became a couple we planned to go out to Aus to live and not stay here, so none of this visa stuff is a surprise to them. You cannot submit to blackmail of any sort. By not speaking to you and telling the kids things like that it is very underhanded (in my opinion anyway). You have every right to be nicked off. You should speak with them about it, but don't do it if you are angry at the time, it could only exacerbate the problem and make you more susceptible to the arguments of blackmail. I know this does not help, just sympathise, but be aware you are not alone. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
I feel for you and the kids. I would let it go for now- wait till your not so hacked off. Like you say there's too much else to deal with without drumming up bad feeling. Your mum is probably quite cut up and just let her know quietly the kids are finding it tough. She should back down if she has sense. My folks are no longer around and my husbands folks were pushing us away at the thought of a better life for us and the kids.
Good luck Ali
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. To cap it we didnt't get our visas. But because the way she was we were determined to try again and we did in Oct 04 but this time we told no one !!!!!! We only told everyone when we got the visa's in Mar05 , but we still had the same reaction from my mum but I think it hit her hard as she knew that we were actually going .Things didn't get better but I took it on myself to have it out with her and it was the best thing I did as it cleared the air and she knew where I stood and why we were doing it. But as you can see we are still here in Uk trying to sell a house !!!!! Good luck in what ever you decide to do . |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. Good luck. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. I would be pleased that your mum has been so supportive generally and none of us should really blame parents for loving and caring so much. I guess we should accept that its one of those things. Afterall harder times ahead when you actually move and she only gets to speak by phone... Anyones parents who have been totally "yup - go for it" and not a single tear in sight I think are very very few and far between. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
[QUOTE=NIGENABBY]Hello
I sympathise deeply. I am Australian, my husband English. We now have our spouse visa for him to go. The first time we mentioned that we intended to go to Aus we got the same reaction "what is best for you etc". As things became closer to a reality (they don't know we actually have the visa yet - the confirmation arrived on the weekend and they have been away). The "we won't be able to visit you know we are too old etc" started up. I have been in the UK for 3 years now and my folks (similar age) have been over numerous times, so I don't think this is a real issue, just emotional blackmail. QUOTE] Snap - see my reply above. It staggers me that my ILs just flatly refuse to entertain the notion of coming over to Australia *at all*. My poor husband really feels bad about it and I feel bad for him that they can't be bothered to come see us (it's not that they don;t love him, but the dog needs to be looked after, it's too far, it's too hot, my FIL doesn't like flying.... :rolleyes: ). Michelle |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
I had a funny one. My siblings didn't really say anything about the move over the year we were getting ready to go. (Parents no longer around so that wasn't an issue) I only found out later from one sister that they had been discussing for ages that they were all really worried about us making the move. I only found out after we'd moved and just thought how ridiculous of them all not to talk about it. Families are funny things sometimes.
I have reconciled myself to them never visiting because it's too far/ jobs too busy/ dogs to look after/ snakes/crocodiles/too hot etc etc. I know what important to me and I will go back and see them when I can. Life's too short. ALi [QUOTE=michellemac]
Originally Posted by NIGENABBY
Hello
I sympathise deeply. I am Australian, my husband English. We now have our spouse visa for him to go. The first time we mentioned that we intended to go to Aus we got the same reaction "what is best for you etc". As things became closer to a reality (they don't know we actually have the visa yet - the confirmation arrived on the weekend and they have been away). The "we won't be able to visit you know we are too old etc" started up. I have been in the UK for 3 years now and my folks (similar age) have been over numerous times, so I don't think this is a real issue, just emotional blackmail. QUOTE] Snap - see my reply above. It staggers me that my ILs just flatly refuse to entertain the notion of coming over to Australia *at all*. My poor husband really feels bad about it and I feel bad for him that they can't be bothered to come see us (it's not that they don;t love him, but the dog needs to be looked after, it's too far, it's too hot, my FIL doesn't like flying.... :rolleyes: ). Michelle |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
From my experience
And we've been here a year now. Parents are a minefield of support (do what's best for your family)/ you're taking our grandchild away/ we're upset by the fact that you're going but can't actually work out how to tell you this so we'll be angry/distant./supportive (depending on the day of the week!) instead - only they don't ever admit this last idea - so can never really discuss it!! Best Wishes Belive me - we've been here a yaer now and we are happier, great life for our son in particular. Good Luck Susan |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
[QUOTE=michellemac]
Originally Posted by NIGENABBY
Hello
I sympathise deeply. I am Australian, my husband English. We now have our spouse visa for him to go. The first time we mentioned that we intended to go to Aus we got the same reaction "what is best for you etc". As things became closer to a reality (they don't know we actually have the visa yet - the confirmation arrived on the weekend and they have been away). The "we won't be able to visit you know we are too old etc" started up. I have been in the UK for 3 years now and my folks (similar age) have been over numerous times, so I don't think this is a real issue, just emotional blackmail. QUOTE] Snap - see my reply above. It staggers me that my ILs just flatly refuse to entertain the notion of coming over to Australia *at all*. My poor husband really feels bad about it and I feel bad for him that they can't be bothered to come see us (it's not that they don;t love him, but the dog needs to be looked after, it's too far, it's too hot, my FIL doesn't like flying.... :rolleyes: ). Michelle Judy :) |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Get this one. We're flying back "home" at vast expense for a wedding soon and my sister doesn't think she can spare time for a meal out with us before the event. I think she's folding napkins. It may be the only time we're back in the next 3 years. AAARGH. It makes me mad... and sad . I come after napkins
Ali [QUOTE=Judes2308]
Originally Posted by michellemac
Had to laugh at that one Michelle..........your ILs sound just like my parents ! Whenever I mention to them about coming over I get 'but the cats are too old to go into a cattery and Harvey (dog) has never been in kennels'...............for f**k sake, I'm their daughter and I come after the friggin animals !! Judy :) |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
[QUOTE=AliMay]Get this one. We're flying back "home" at vast expense for a wedding soon and my sister doesn't think she can spare time for a meal out with us before the event. I think she's folding napkins. It may be the only time we're back in the next 3 years. AAARGH. It makes me mad... and sad . I come after napkins
Ali
Originally Posted by Judes2308
:( :o
I did find Jude's parent's excuse the best one for logic. Harvey the Dog's never been in a kennel so he can't go in a kennel. And the reason he's never been in a kennel? Because they've never put him in one. LOL. Fabulous! Michelle |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
You have to do what's right for your family, i.e your wife, yourself and your children, if anyone doesnt like it ***k em! :mad:
To use the children in this way is terrible to say the least, take it from someone who has been here for 15 months, emigrating will probably be one of the top three decisions you make in your life, especially for your children. If your Mum is too selfish to see that, then that really is her problem and not yours. Yesterday we went to the park with loads of our new friends and their children and had a fantastic day, we did the same the week before, and have two more parties/picnics planned for the next two weekends. Dont get me wrong Australia has its faults, but they are virtually all insignificant when compared to some of the downsides of living in the UK. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
You do have to laugh at how small minded folk can be-families especially. We have no doubts about why we are here and we certainly have more friends than ever before and socialise with friends every weekend. WE are conscious that we must make a great effort to build a support network out here- especially for my daughter. There are no grandparents or aunties or uncles to be there for her. I feel sad for her at times- but soon snap out of it. Sunshine helps a lot.
Two weeks ago I discovered a lump and had several days of mental anguish before finding out everything was fine. I lay awake wondering how my husband and daughter could cope if things went wrong. Awful... Right now my husbands away in KL so its just me and my daughter on our own. I'm sure my family are appalled that I'm all alone in the most isolated city on the world- but tomorrow I go to the gym with friends, another mum will pick my daughter up from school the next day and take care of her until I finish work, neighbours are popping in on Friday for pizza and a movie. At the weekend we play sports and chat to the neighbours as we play in the garden. I'm happier, and busier, than I have ever been and have a pretty solid network after only 8 months. There has been family stuff that has been difficult- a funeral I couldn't go to and a sibling who needed help. I have had to resort to long phone calls- not ideal but I'm there in spirit. I'm wittering - Sorry. Go with your heart. ALi |
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