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Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Hi there,
That woul p**s me right off too, using the kids is just not on and dreadfully immature on her behalf. On the positive side - they will get used to it. My parent's-in-law are small town people who see moving out of the town as a big step. Moving to the other side of the world is (was) almost beyond their ken. But they have got used to it over time (in our case we have been together for 6 years and plan to go early next year so they have had a lot of tiem to get used to it!). I do still get a bit :mad: that they won't make plans to come and see us. who knows they might one day decide to get on a plane and come down under but we've had to plan our move based on the assumption that they will never come and see us. It annoys me so much at times, they are just so stuck in their ways and unadventurous but we'll never change them and they are my husbands parents and my childrens' grandparents so what can you do :rolleyes: Michelle |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. I sympathise deeply. I am Australian, my husband English. We now have our spouse visa for him to go. The first time we mentioned that we intended to go to Aus we got the same reaction "what is best for you etc". As things became closer to a reality (they don't know we actually have the visa yet - the confirmation arrived on the weekend and they have been away). The "we won't be able to visit you know we are too old etc" started up. I have been in the UK for 3 years now and my folks (similar age) have been over numerous times, so I don't think this is a real issue, just emotional blackmail. It is easy to say ignore it, much much harder to do. You do need to do what is best for you as as an A&E nurse it should be a doddle to get a visa and job. We know that I am Australian and we told them when we became a couple we planned to go out to Aus to live and not stay here, so none of this visa stuff is a surprise to them. You cannot submit to blackmail of any sort. By not speaking to you and telling the kids things like that it is very underhanded (in my opinion anyway). You have every right to be nicked off. You should speak with them about it, but don't do it if you are angry at the time, it could only exacerbate the problem and make you more susceptible to the arguments of blackmail. I know this does not help, just sympathise, but be aware you are not alone. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
I feel for you and the kids. I would let it go for now- wait till your not so hacked off. Like you say there's too much else to deal with without drumming up bad feeling. Your mum is probably quite cut up and just let her know quietly the kids are finding it tough. She should back down if she has sense. My folks are no longer around and my husbands folks were pushing us away at the thought of a better life for us and the kids.
Good luck Ali
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. To cap it we didnt't get our visas. But because the way she was we were determined to try again and we did in Oct 04 but this time we told no one !!!!!! We only told everyone when we got the visa's in Mar05 , but we still had the same reaction from my mum but I think it hit her hard as she knew that we were actually going .Things didn't get better but I took it on myself to have it out with her and it was the best thing I did as it cleared the air and she knew where I stood and why we were doing it. But as you can see we are still here in Uk trying to sell a house !!!!! Good luck in what ever you decide to do . |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. Good luck. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. I would be pleased that your mum has been so supportive generally and none of us should really blame parents for loving and caring so much. I guess we should accept that its one of those things. Afterall harder times ahead when you actually move and she only gets to speak by phone... Anyones parents who have been totally "yup - go for it" and not a single tear in sight I think are very very few and far between. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
[QUOTE=NIGENABBY]Hello
I sympathise deeply. I am Australian, my husband English. We now have our spouse visa for him to go. The first time we mentioned that we intended to go to Aus we got the same reaction "what is best for you etc". As things became closer to a reality (they don't know we actually have the visa yet - the confirmation arrived on the weekend and they have been away). The "we won't be able to visit you know we are too old etc" started up. I have been in the UK for 3 years now and my folks (similar age) have been over numerous times, so I don't think this is a real issue, just emotional blackmail. QUOTE] Snap - see my reply above. It staggers me that my ILs just flatly refuse to entertain the notion of coming over to Australia *at all*. My poor husband really feels bad about it and I feel bad for him that they can't be bothered to come see us (it's not that they don;t love him, but the dog needs to be looked after, it's too far, it's too hot, my FIL doesn't like flying.... :rolleyes: ). Michelle |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
I had a funny one. My siblings didn't really say anything about the move over the year we were getting ready to go. (Parents no longer around so that wasn't an issue) I only found out later from one sister that they had been discussing for ages that they were all really worried about us making the move. I only found out after we'd moved and just thought how ridiculous of them all not to talk about it. Families are funny things sometimes.
I have reconciled myself to them never visiting because it's too far/ jobs too busy/ dogs to look after/ snakes/crocodiles/too hot etc etc. I know what important to me and I will go back and see them when I can. Life's too short. ALi [QUOTE=michellemac]
Originally Posted by NIGENABBY
Hello
I sympathise deeply. I am Australian, my husband English. We now have our spouse visa for him to go. The first time we mentioned that we intended to go to Aus we got the same reaction "what is best for you etc". As things became closer to a reality (they don't know we actually have the visa yet - the confirmation arrived on the weekend and they have been away). The "we won't be able to visit you know we are too old etc" started up. I have been in the UK for 3 years now and my folks (similar age) have been over numerous times, so I don't think this is a real issue, just emotional blackmail. QUOTE] Snap - see my reply above. It staggers me that my ILs just flatly refuse to entertain the notion of coming over to Australia *at all*. My poor husband really feels bad about it and I feel bad for him that they can't be bothered to come see us (it's not that they don;t love him, but the dog needs to be looked after, it's too far, it's too hot, my FIL doesn't like flying.... :rolleyes: ). Michelle |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
From my experience
And we've been here a year now. Parents are a minefield of support (do what's best for your family)/ you're taking our grandchild away/ we're upset by the fact that you're going but can't actually work out how to tell you this so we'll be angry/distant./supportive (depending on the day of the week!) instead - only they don't ever admit this last idea - so can never really discuss it!! Best Wishes Belive me - we've been here a yaer now and we are happier, great life for our son in particular. Good Luck Susan |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
[QUOTE=michellemac]
Originally Posted by NIGENABBY
Hello
I sympathise deeply. I am Australian, my husband English. We now have our spouse visa for him to go. The first time we mentioned that we intended to go to Aus we got the same reaction "what is best for you etc". As things became closer to a reality (they don't know we actually have the visa yet - the confirmation arrived on the weekend and they have been away). The "we won't be able to visit you know we are too old etc" started up. I have been in the UK for 3 years now and my folks (similar age) have been over numerous times, so I don't think this is a real issue, just emotional blackmail. QUOTE] Snap - see my reply above. It staggers me that my ILs just flatly refuse to entertain the notion of coming over to Australia *at all*. My poor husband really feels bad about it and I feel bad for him that they can't be bothered to come see us (it's not that they don;t love him, but the dog needs to be looked after, it's too far, it's too hot, my FIL doesn't like flying.... :rolleyes: ). Michelle Judy :) |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Get this one. We're flying back "home" at vast expense for a wedding soon and my sister doesn't think she can spare time for a meal out with us before the event. I think she's folding napkins. It may be the only time we're back in the next 3 years. AAARGH. It makes me mad... and sad . I come after napkins
Ali [QUOTE=Judes2308]
Originally Posted by michellemac
Had to laugh at that one Michelle..........your ILs sound just like my parents ! Whenever I mention to them about coming over I get 'but the cats are too old to go into a cattery and Harvey (dog) has never been in kennels'...............for f**k sake, I'm their daughter and I come after the friggin animals !! Judy :) |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
[QUOTE=AliMay]Get this one. We're flying back "home" at vast expense for a wedding soon and my sister doesn't think she can spare time for a meal out with us before the event. I think she's folding napkins. It may be the only time we're back in the next 3 years. AAARGH. It makes me mad... and sad . I come after napkins
Ali
Originally Posted by Judes2308
:( :o
I did find Jude's parent's excuse the best one for logic. Harvey the Dog's never been in a kennel so he can't go in a kennel. And the reason he's never been in a kennel? Because they've never put him in one. LOL. Fabulous! Michelle |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
You have to do what's right for your family, i.e your wife, yourself and your children, if anyone doesnt like it ***k em! :mad:
To use the children in this way is terrible to say the least, take it from someone who has been here for 15 months, emigrating will probably be one of the top three decisions you make in your life, especially for your children. If your Mum is too selfish to see that, then that really is her problem and not yours. Yesterday we went to the park with loads of our new friends and their children and had a fantastic day, we did the same the week before, and have two more parties/picnics planned for the next two weekends. Dont get me wrong Australia has its faults, but they are virtually all insignificant when compared to some of the downsides of living in the UK. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
You do have to laugh at how small minded folk can be-families especially. We have no doubts about why we are here and we certainly have more friends than ever before and socialise with friends every weekend. WE are conscious that we must make a great effort to build a support network out here- especially for my daughter. There are no grandparents or aunties or uncles to be there for her. I feel sad for her at times- but soon snap out of it. Sunshine helps a lot.
Two weeks ago I discovered a lump and had several days of mental anguish before finding out everything was fine. I lay awake wondering how my husband and daughter could cope if things went wrong. Awful... Right now my husbands away in KL so its just me and my daughter on our own. I'm sure my family are appalled that I'm all alone in the most isolated city on the world- but tomorrow I go to the gym with friends, another mum will pick my daughter up from school the next day and take care of her until I finish work, neighbours are popping in on Friday for pizza and a movie. At the weekend we play sports and chat to the neighbours as we play in the garden. I'm happier, and busier, than I have ever been and have a pretty solid network after only 8 months. There has been family stuff that has been difficult- a funeral I couldn't go to and a sibling who needed help. I have had to resort to long phone calls- not ideal but I'm there in spirit. I'm wittering - Sorry. Go with your heart. ALi |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Totally feel for you. I knew my Mum would be capable of similar and told Dad first, with a warning that the move is going to be hard enough on them without her saying anything to them.
She knows now and has gone through the not talking at all about it, to blaming Huzza for taking us away and that I am not mentally stable enough!! It has been me that has lead the whole thing but she is having none of it. We cannot talk about it at all at the moment. So difficult when you are so excited about it. It is very hard when you think about the future. But you have to think beyond that. Your parents will not be around forever and you will have missed the chance if you wait for such events. We are doing this for our children. I hope they will see that eventually. I am not looking forward to final goodbye's, I don't think I want anyone at the airport as it will be too distressing for the kids. Good luck to everyone who will have to go through it. Vics xx |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Thanks to everyone for their support on this thread. Nice to know that I'm not the only one in the same boat and I do feel a lot better. I'm going to take your advice and calm down over the next few days before sitting them both down and trying to explain things to them.
The only problem I can forsee is that it's going to be difficult telling them when the visas arrive and again when the house is sold and then again when the flights are booked and I don't even want to think about the good-byes at the airport. Never mind, one day at a time I guess. Flash. :) |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
[you only get one life live it,next there are no cash points in heaven,no shops that sell memory's,you can not live your life to keep some else happy you have to do the best for you and your family,secondly teach your mum about computers and web cams,
go for it hopefully you will get a visa all the best leady |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Vic&jase
Totally feel for you. I knew my Mum would be capable of similar and told Dad first, with a warning that the move is going to be hard enough on them without her saying anything to them.
She knows now and has gone through the not talking at all about it, to blaming Huzza for taking us away and that I am not mentally stable enough!! It has been me that has lead the whole thing but she is having none of it. We cannot talk about it at all at the moment. So difficult when you are so excited about it. It is very hard when you think about the future. But you have to think beyond that. Your parents will not be around forever and you will have missed the chance if you wait for such events. We are doing this for our children. I hope they will see that eventually. I am not looking forward to final goodbye's, I don't think I want anyone at the airport as it will be too distressing for the kids. Good luck to everyone who will have to go through it. Vics xx |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by caz60
Be patient, the right time will come when you can talk to them.... I did .
Some say I should not have said anything so soon but I believe that it would have been unfair to have said OH by the way we are off to Australia' and gone leaving them with the emotion of it all. At least I can answer questions and defend my actions as best I can while I am still here. But I now realise there will never be a satisfactory answer. I do feel for my Mum. I sat and read this whole thread and another related one and cried my eyes out for the first time in ages. She adores my children. This has blasted her world to pieces. I have always been the one in the family to do the 'shocking' and I have done it again. Still going though. Keeping my head down, do not mention it at all around family unless they ask and just hoping that as it gets nearer that they will get with it. vics xx |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Vic&jase
That is what I am hoping for.
Some say I should not have said anything so soon but I believe that it would have been unfair to have said OH by the way we are off to Australia' and gone leaving them with the emotion of it all. At least I can answer questions and defend my actions as best I can while I am still here. But I now realise there will never be a satisfactory answer. I do feel for my Mum. I sat and read this whole thread and another related one and cried my eyes out for the first time in ages. She adores my children. This has blasted her world to pieces. I have always been the one in the family to do the 'shocking' and I have done it again. Still going though. Keeping my head down, do not mention it at all around family unless they ask and just hoping that as it gets nearer that they will get with it. vics xx <--- Hugs to Vics XXX |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. Our problem was with in-laws. My parents were great. We took 5 years to get around to immigration. For 5 years we told everyone and their brother that we were going to Australia. They went through ups and downs about it, got miffed at times, were ok at times. We thought we'd give them some time to get their minds around it (also my husband took forever to make up his mind, but we didn't tell them that) So finally the day rolls up for us to leave and would you believe it, it was like we'd never told them! :confused: Then we immigrated and they were okay again, until we got our Australian citizenship and it was like they'd never understood our intentions! We had so many abusive 'phone call that we stopped answering the 'phone! :( BUT....In the end I look at my children and imagine what my parents and in-laws must be feeling to have lost their children to another country. I think it's very hard and personally, I hope never to experience it. If I do, I hope I deal with it properly and maturely, but then again, I might just be a cow about it. It's not right for your mum to upset your children so and you should have a quiet talk with her and let her know how you feel about it. But be gentle. It's hard to be a parent and no matter how old your children are, they are still your children. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. AJ. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
[QUOTE=alneve2oz] If she's really that p!ssed off at not getting to see the kids, get yer self to Argos coz they were doing a BOGOF deal on webcams. Anyway, it's not like your moving to the other side of the world is it............? :eek:
Yes, but as I was firmly told....you can't cuddle a web cam! xxxxx :beer: |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
We have had our visas since May this year and my mum and dad still have not mentioned it once. They even come to our house to visit and just walk straight past the huge "FOR SALE" sign as if it isn`t there. A couple of months ago my dad gave my 17 year old a lift to college and asked him what he thought about the move and then proceeded to say that he would probably only see my sons once again in his lifetime as he is getting older,
68 this year ! My son told me that he didn`t know what to say as he hadn`t thought about it like that. The trouble is that because they ignore it everyone else ignores the subject when in their company, me included. God knows what will happen when we eventually go! Tracey x |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Hilton`s
We have had our visas since May this year and my mum and dad still have not mentioned it once. They even come to our house to visit and just walk straight past the huge "FOR SALE" sign as if it isn`t there. A couple of months ago my dad gave my 17 year old a lift to college and asked him what he thought about the move and then proceeded to say that he would probably only see my sons once again in his lifetime as he is getting older,
68 this year ! My son told me that he didn`t know what to say as he hadn`t thought about it like that. The trouble is that because they ignore it everyone else ignores the subject when in their company, me included. God knows what will happen when we eventually go! Tracey x It sounds as though you have it worse than us. I had a friend who was HIV + and his parents reacted in exactly the same way. Parents need to see that we're not moving away because of them, it's for a multitude of other reasons. strange thing is I don't see my parents very often anyway as its a 60 ml round trip. Oz is just a bit further. :) Flash. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by alneve2oz
A bit fecked off? just a bit? Dude, that's just not on. I know for a fact that when the time comes to telling my parents (especially my mother) she is going to send us on a guilt trip similar in length to the trip ti Oz itself! My plan of attack is to guilt trip her first, y'know the sort of thing, doesn't she want us to be happy, doesn't she want the best for the kids, etc. etc. Mind you, as me dad live in Cyprus for ten months a year, the whole living in another country would be a smaller pill to swallow than it could've been (not quite as bitter either). But seriously dude, Have a word with her. If she's really that p!ssed off at not getting to see the kids, get yer self to Argos coz they were doing a BOGOF deal on webcams. Anyway, it's not like your moving to the other side of the world is it............? :eek:
AJ. Flash. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Well folks, I'm deeply Pi**ed off.
Few weeks back I told my mother and father that we were going to apply for visas to Oz. The main reasons were that the A & E department where my wife is a sister is to be downscaled (who wants to spend their time putting plasters on fingers when they are used to dealing with multi-system trauma RTA victims?) Secondly, I've had enough in my work and finally, we can't get a decent secondary school for my eldest next september. At the time I told my mother she made all the right noises "you have to do what's best for your family" and "absolutely" and "we're right behind you", and I thought bloody hell, this is easier than I thought it would be. What very understanding parents I have. They have a caravan and took the 2 boys down to Devon for 4 days at the tail end of last week. While they were there, the subject of Australia obviously arose, where upon my mother decides to tell them that "This is the last time we'll be taking you away", "I won't ever be able to visit", etc. So this had obviously played on the kids minds to the extent that they spent all night crying their eyes out because they think that they'll never see their nanny again. Now I'm torn between letting this ride with my mother or speaking to her about it and risk a row and a bunch of bad feeling. Everyone here knows that going through the visa process is a daunting, soul-searching, organisational nightmare; but this is one aspect I just don't need. Ironically, I thought it would be my mother-in-law that kicked up a stink, but she's been brilliant. Sorry to rant everyone, just feelin' a bit fecked off. :( Flash. Yes, feel for you and your family (that includes your mother). Harsh things have been said in replies back to you and also some understanding. You know your mother better than anyone and will know how she will react if you tackle her on this now or leave it until there is an opportunity to talk to her in a reasonable manner, if she knows you understand how she feels and can talk to you about it and she will know she cannot change your mind and will have to accept the situation it will probably help her to come to terms with it all. :beer: Although you have to live your life she does figure in it somewhere and it must be extremely difficult for her to say goodbye to the family that she loves so much. On the other hand she is wrong to get to you through your children, that's not nice upsetting them like that. Having her son and grandchildren around to see them grow and then all of a sudden they are on the other side of the world will take some getting used to - but she will and if she wants to see them and you she will have to take that flight. The Poet |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Hi there - have you ever heard of the seven degrees of seperation???? I think all our inlaws must be related. When we told my inlaws their reaction was well we'll be dead soon anyway (they are both in very good health and 76) Yes i know that no one lives forever but come on! Every now and again they say can Thomas (our eldest-3yr old) come to our house this afternoon because we wont be getting many chances to do this (we have just applied for skills assessments). Upon telling then we told them that we would leave them enough money to buy tickets to come and see us. Last week they informed us that I dont think we will come - what will we do with dog?
Honestly, when Andy's uncle emigrated in the early 70's his grandad made the trip for 8 consecutive years, his first trip at the age of 80! He even considered emigrating himself :) Maybe we should get all our IL's together to go bowling and find a great big kennel for the dogs. Lindsey PS dont get me on to sister's in laws! |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
I completely sympathise with your situation. When I told my mum back in March she went stuck the knife in and twisted it completely.. I did exactly the same as you and posted on this forum to get things off my chest..when she told my now 10 year old she would commit suicide if we went totally did it for me and everyone on here was really supportive. Now my mother has calmed down and resided to the fact that we are going whether she likes it or not. I just get the few comments now and again like when she takes the baby's bib off that has 'I love Grandma on' she'll say "oh, that will have to go straight in the bin when you go". As for my In-laws...totally the opposite, Andrew's dad would have a fit if we turned round and said we not going anymore, he's looking forward to a free 3 month holiday too much!!!
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Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
To all you that are having the emotional blackmail before you are even here. My mum was the same, "I'm never getting on a plane and going all that way" she'd only ever been as far as Spain and wouldn't leave here seat even for the toilet!!
Well 2 years down the line my parents have just booked their 3rd visit to see us next February :) . They have been over for a 12 week visit and a 15 week visit already. My dad celebrated his 70th birthday with us this year. They have both said what a great country it is. They forever tell us we made the right decision, how we have a better life, the children have much more here and how in the UK they don't even feel safe anymore. (Keep trying to work on them moving here but don't think they would get in). My IL's on the other hand supported us all the way as they almost came over in the 70's. NIght before we left my MIL had a drunken swearing match at ME telling me not only have I taken her son away I'd taken her Grandchildren. She said she would never forgive us for not letting them go to the airport to see us off... they've been out twice also I agree with what was said earlier about going to the airport alone. We felt like we were setting off on a huge adventure, which is how we portrayed it to the children (then 5 and 7). Tears would have been too difficult to control with people there. There were lots of tears at the airport as I think 3/4 of the plane were all emigrating!! but we all supported each other and had a common bond on the flight. BE STRONG DO WHATS BEST FOR YOUR FAMILY. You can't live your life for other people. It's better to try and fail than give in to emotional blackmail and live with regrets. Good Luck, it will be worth it in the end. Louise. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
I am, ironically, heartened to see so many other people having problems with the relations back in the old country. I feel better about my own situation as I see it is more normal than I thought. In my case (and I think this could apply to many families) my family is waiting, unconsiously, until I get over my silliness and move back home. When I do, they will include me again in their lives. They don't even think they are being unkind; they just really believe that since I deviated from the normal path of life I must be the one to make all the contact etc. It wouldn't occur to them that they might learn something about my adopted country and perhaps teach my neices anything about Australia etc etc.
I have been in this part of the world for the last 15 years and I had a sister and my mother visit me--once each and within the first four years. Since then, I don't hear from my younger sister at all; it is one way traffic only-I call her. I have never, in 15 years, heard from my father. The only time I talk to him is when I call my parents and my mom puts him on the phone. He asks what time it is and marvels at the difference--still! My older sister, who did some moving around herself, is much more willing to communicate, and phones me a few times a year. I hate to say it, but the resentment I feel has been a bit overwhelming at times, and lately has kept me from visiting them myself. However, since I see how many other people have similar reactions I feel better--my family are not weirdos but could be considered sort of normal. Sad but true. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by ezvanetree
I am, ironically, heartened to see so many other people having problems with the relations back in the old country. I feel better about my own situation as I see it is more normal than I thought. In my case (and I think this could apply to many families) my family is waiting, unconsiously, until I get over my silliness and move back home. When I do, they will include me again in their lives. They don't even think they are being unkind; they just really believe that since I deviated from the normal path of life I must be the one to make all the contact etc. It wouldn't occur to them that they might learn something about my adopted country and perhaps teach my neices anything about Australia etc etc.
I have been in this part of the world for the last 15 years and I had a sister and my mother visit me--once each and within the first four years. Since then, I don't hear from my younger sister at all; it is one way traffic only-I call her. I have never, in 15 years, heard from my father. The only time I talk to him is when I call my parents and my mom puts him on the phone. He asks what time it is and marvels at the difference--still! My older sister, who did some moving around herself, is much more willing to communicate, and phones me a few times a year. I hate to say it, but the resentment I feel has been a bit overwhelming at times, and lately has kept me from visiting them myself. However, since I see how many other people have similar reactions I feel better--my family are not weirdos but could be considered sort of normal. Sad but true. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by ljj
To all you that are having the emotional blackmail before you are even here. My mum was the same, "I'm never getting on a plane and going all that way" she'd only ever been as far as Spain and wouldn't leave here seat even for the toilet!!
Well 2 years down the line my parents have just booked their 3rd visit to see us next February :) . They have been over for a 12 week visit and a 15 week visit already. My dad celebrated his 70th birthday with us this year. They have both said what a great country it is. They forever tell us we made the right decision, how we have a better life, the children have much more here and how in the UK they don't even feel safe anymore. (Keep trying to work on them moving here but don't think they would get in). My IL's on the other hand supported us all the way as they almost came over in the 70's. NIght before we left my MIL had a drunken swearing match at ME telling me not only have I taken her son away I'd taken her Grandchildren. She said she would never forgive us for not letting them go to the airport to see us off... they've been out twice also I agree with what was said earlier about going to the airport alone. We felt like we were setting off on a huge adventure, which is how we portrayed it to the children (then 5 and 7). Tears would have been too difficult to control with people there. There were lots of tears at the airport as I think 3/4 of the plane were all emigrating!! but we all supported each other and had a common bond on the flight. BE STRONG DO WHATS BEST FOR YOUR FAMILY. You can't live your life for other people. It's better to try and fail than give in to emotional blackmail and live with regrets. Good Luck, it will be worth it in the end. Louise. seeing so many in the same boat has really helped. I had a wobble prior to starting this thread and was going to jack it all in. But I'm the type of person who would spend the rest of my life playing the "what if" game. As you say, if I try and fail then at least I've tried. I'm just waiting for mother to say "go, if it gets it out of your system". :) Flash. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Thanks louise,
seeing so many in the same boat has really helped. I had a wobble prior to starting this thread and was going to jack it all in. But I'm the type of person who would spend the rest of my life playing the "what if" game. As you say, if I try and fail then at least I've tried. I'm just waiting for mother to say "go, if it gets it out of your system". :) Flash. Last year we booked a holiday in Australia and when we told my parents my dad didn't speak to me for a fortnight, and it eventually came out that he'd got an inkling we were going to go there to live and take their grandson away. Anyway, not long after we came back I discovered I was pregnant and eventually put the spouse visa application on hold (I was born in Australia to British parents who stayed for four years and came back, never getting Australian citizenship, more fool them). Earlier this year we decided to resurrect the visa application and in April this year hubby's visa was granted the day after our second son was born. We booked another trip to Australia in August (had a fantastic time) and my sister came with us. She told them before I did that we were going on holiday there again, and their reaction was so negative "(AUSTRALIA? AUSTRALIA? That poor baby! That poor boy! What will he do on a plane for that long??? Blah blah blah ...") - so it became a bit of a stand off and I didn't tell them anything myself until they finally broached it with me a couple of weeks before we were due to go. Even though we're now back from our trip, they still don't really ask about it, it's as if they're dreading us saying the awful words - "we're going to move to Australia", and can't deal with it. They don't know about the visa. As we've finally decided to make the move we're going to have to tell them, this Friday, and I'm dreading it. (We're having a party on Saturday and I don't want fellow guests asking them what they think of our plans when we've not told them ourselves!). I just know we'll get the whole guilt trip, particularly from my mother who has already told my sister that she wouldn't come and visit us when she mentioned it hypothetically. My dad might have something to say about it though, as I know he would really like to see the place again. My mother had enough of the place and dragged us all to England when we were kids because it was too hot, she was lonely etc, and isn't at all keen on the idea of going back to visit even though all of Australia is not like Whyalla where they were. They have a dog too ... Sorry if this sounds a bit garbled, just thought I'd share my experience. I'll let you know their reaction after we've broken the bad news on Friday. PS: The in-laws think it's a great idea and are looking forward to holidays in Oz and even buying a property over there for their holidays. But they could change their mind when reality sets in and we're getting on the plane ... |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Britishaussie
I'm in the same boat too and I am pleased (you know what I mean) that there are others who can relate to this situation.
Last year we booked a holiday in Australia and when we told my parents my dad didn't speak to me for a fortnight, and it eventually came out that he'd got an inkling we were going to go there to live and take their grandson away. Anyway, not long after we came back I discovered I was pregnant and eventually put the spouse visa application on hold (I was born in Australia to British parents who stayed for four years and came back, never getting Australian citizenship, more fool them). Earlier this year we decided to resurrect the visa application and in April this year hubby's visa was granted the day after our second son was born. We booked another trip to Australia in August (had a fantastic time) and my sister came with us. She told them before I did that we were going on holiday there again, and their reaction was so negative "(AUSTRALIA? AUSTRALIA? That poor baby! That poor boy! What will he do on a plane for that long??? Blah blah blah ...") - so it became a bit of a stand off and I didn't tell them anything myself until they finally broached it with me a couple of weeks before we were due to go. Even though we're now back from our trip, they still don't really ask about it, it's as if they're dreading us saying the awful words - "we're going to move to Australia", and can't deal with it. They don't know about the visa. As we've finally decided to make the move we're going to have to tell them, this Friday, and I'm dreading it. (We're having a party on Saturday and I don't want fellow guests asking them what they think of our plans when we've not told them ourselves!). I just know we'll get the whole guilt trip, particularly from my mother who has already told my sister that she wouldn't come and visit us when she mentioned it hypothetically. My dad might have something to say about it though, as I know he would really like to see the place again. My mother had enough of the place and dragged us all to England when we were kids because it was too hot, she was lonely etc, and isn't at all keen on the idea of going back to visit even though all of Australia is not like Whyalla where they were. They have a dog too ... Sorry if this sounds a bit garbled, just thought I'd share my experience. I'll let you know their reaction after we've broken the bad news on Friday. PS: The in-laws think it's a great idea and are looking forward to holidays in Oz and even buying a property over there for their holidays. But they could change their mind when reality sets in and we're getting on the plane ... Not garbled at all... One thing that does strike me from reading through the thread, is that the always seems to be one set of parents who fully support the move and the other set that doesn't. Wonder if there is some sort of built in ying yang thing going on? [IMG]http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/9...ormalni0tk.gif[/IMG] Flash. |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Not garbled at all... One thing that does strike me from reading through the thread, is that the always seems to be one set of parents who fully support the move and the other set that doesn't.
Wonder if there is some sort of built in ying yang thing going on? [IMG]http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/9...ormalni0tk.gif[/IMG] Flash. Another thing that strikes me is how the dog/cat/goldfish are good excuses for not going over to visit !!! My parents didn't speak about it for about 8 months, totally blanked the whole thing. Only a couple of weeks ago did they actually acknowledge we were going.......think up until then they hoped it would all fall through. Parents eh........ Judy :) |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Judes2308
Another thing that strikes me is how the dog/cat/goldfish are good excuses for not going over to visit !!!
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Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
Originally Posted by Britishaussie
I agree with that. That will be the first thing my mother mentions when we ask them to visit us in Australia. And my witty reply will be: "Well, if you'd rather stay at home with the dog than visit your grandchildren, who am I to argue ..." (though I am aware that I am the one who's put them in that situation by taking the grandchildren away in the first place... :rolleyes: )
We must me one of the lucky ones both sets of parents and siblings are really cool about it. We have 3 kids and I do feel a bit of guilt. But I put it to them if they had the opportunity would they take it and of course they said they would and they would not think twice about it. We do not see my family much at all and only saw my dad for the first time in 2 1/2 years on Friday years so my kids don't really know them that well, but it is my husbands mum I would miss the most but she said she would visit and would even think of moving if possible after we get citizenship and she is really excited for us. My husbands brother might move there with his wife who is Australian so hubby's mum will be on her own and this may make it possible for her to come she is 73 and has no one else here. (will keep our fingers crossed). As for friends and family they can come and visit (free accommodation). We have some great friends. That is if we get the go ahead from DIMIA. I would like to wish all of you the best of luck with your families and hope that they come around to your way of thinking, but if not you have to live your lives not theirs, and as far as I a concerned my husband and kids come first, but saying that I know it must be harder for some of you. Best of luck Anitab |
Re: Emotional Blackmail from Parents.
:p
Originally Posted by Lordflasheart
Thanks AJ. we've been using web cams for a while anyway as they live in the west mids and I live in shropshire. Whole thing has given me a big headache. It'll take the shine off getting the visas etc. Not sure if we'll end up going ahead with it all. :(
Flash. "It's better to fail than to regret" You wouldn't have bothered signing up to BE.com, or telling people about emigrating if you weren't even semi serious about it. And if you decide to Jack it all in and stay in ole Blighty PURELY because of what she has said or will/might say, then you'll resent her for it. You'll always wonder "what if". I know I seem rather opinionated on this subject for someone who hasn't experienced your situ, and haven't even started the skills assessment forms, but I know my mother and how she will react, and so I'm planning my attack as it were. And this is harsh, maybe too harsh, but, you mother will eventually die and you'll be stuck in England because it'll be too late for you to go (unless DIMIA radically change the rules). My guess is that eventually, she'll get used to it (y'all being in Oz I mean). Here's an idea (one that I intend to do myself) before you go, make sure you've got the cash for a plane ticket(s) for your "olds". Give it to them before you leave and tell them to buy a ticket when you've got yer own house "over there" - or keep the cash yourself, and send them the ticket when you're ready for them. I reckon I'll take opt. 1 as it shows I mean it, I really do want them to come over and see us, whereas opt 2. you could end up spending the cash (as well as knowing my mother, I also know me!!). Still, I wouldn't recommend not going just on the grounds of some inappropriate, insensitive comments. As other people have said, it probably is because she cares. But she will get used to it, probably the first time she comes out to visit. Because then she'll understand why you're there. You never know, she may emigrate over there as well!!! Chin up mate. Emigrating is hard, and the hardest part is leaving loved ones, but. If you're determined, resolute and unwaivering in your decision to go, your mum'll get the picture. Keep her involved in the process, or at least up-to-date on the progress, she may "come around" before you go when she realises that her snide remarks aren't working. But if you let her know she'd getting to you or that you enthusiasm is waining....... Well, that's my oar well and truly shoved in. I hope whatever you decide you're happy, but do remember, she'd had a life and she gave a life with opportunities to you. Now it's your turn to do the same for you kids. Good luck, Aj. p.s. if this post says "Simone" anywere - it's should read "Someone" - I hit the wrong key on the spell check!!! |
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