Don't belong
Jan 23rd 2017 | 8:12 pm
#16
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 4,393
From: England
Re: Don't belong
Hi Gordon. Thanks for taking the time to reply. Iam grateful for everyone who has replied.
I think pretending is spot on tbh. I guess in a way I have started to do tht recently - I dnt visit I just make the odd call. It just is always on my mind, and I have been searching my brain for a way to "forget/pretend" none of this with my family has happened. I think the other big thing like I've mentioned in other replies is the fact I'm here and not there and missing the uk. I miss my "home" and it's only been 9 months but I can't think about anything else. Some days we're ok and then there's others where we literally feel lost not knowing what we're doing or where we're going in life.all b/c of a move. I spose we weren't to know we were going to feel like this certainly not myself. And we had to come here to try ... Sorry.
Thanks for your replies everyone.
I think pretending is spot on tbh. I guess in a way I have started to do tht recently - I dnt visit I just make the odd call. It just is always on my mind, and I have been searching my brain for a way to "forget/pretend" none of this with my family has happened. I think the other big thing like I've mentioned in other replies is the fact I'm here and not there and missing the uk. I miss my "home" and it's only been 9 months but I can't think about anything else. Some days we're ok and then there's others where we literally feel lost not knowing what we're doing or where we're going in life.all b/c of a move. I spose we weren't to know we were going to feel like this certainly not myself. And we had to come here to try ... Sorry.
Thanks for your replies everyone.
Hi, When we returned back to the UK (after being in Aus for a number of years) our families helped but just also got on with their lives and we kind of had to just get along with the lifestyle to, to be fair I could understand, we were no longer the "novelty" who visited them from this far away land which everyone wanted to know about, we were back for good and that was that lol, I would try a different area (we did) if your not happy with the area you are currently renting in, maybe a little further away from your family so that you can "dip your toe" in when you feel you want to, you enjoy your jobs so that's a big bonus. I think you might need time to find your own little routine and lifestyle and see how you then feel but if you still feel like you do now then you can always return to the UK. Just to add that at first I did feel like a foreigner here but that was just my own feeling I was not made to feel like that by anyone, I had been away a long time, I had changed, here had changed, I missed my friends and some of the lifestyle, I expected that might happen before our move and its okay to feel like that but if after a while if its still how you feel then I would think of a move to where I were happiest. Good luck
Jan 25th 2017 | 2:30 pm
#17
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 5,396
From: Cayman Islands
Re: Don't belong
It's very much a personal thing, isn't it? My own experience was entirely different from the OP's. I met my wife (she was from Melbourne, I from Queensland) overseas; we travelled around a lot together, then emigrated to Canada (separately), where we eventually married. No parents were at the wedding; her sister and a former flatmate of mine from London days were the only old friends there. Then we moved down to the West Indies and didn't make it back to Oz until seven years after we'd left. We didn't even go "home" then, except for flying visits on our way across to Perth. So my advice to the OP was based more on observation than personal experience. I don't think I've misled her, and don't believe I have. Hope not!
Jan 29th 2017 | 7:08 am
#18
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 951
From: Now Devon
Re: Don't belong
Janelle1979 you were both fortunate to obtain jobs reasonably quickly, have you not made friends with any of your work colleagues or joined clubs? I note that you said you find a lot of Australians arrogant, disrespectful and rude, however it may well reflect your dissatisfaction with life, and it brushes off. To be honest, I didn't bother much with the people I worked with.
However, within weeks of arriving in Adelaide I played competition tennis and table tennis, so with social badminton as well, it all brought me into contact with a lot of people during my half a century in Oz.
I also lived in 9 different places in Melbourne and Adelaide, so this added to the people I met, and curiously during all that time, I saw little crime. None in Melbourne's Elwood or Beaumaris during 6 years. Riding a bike could be scary at times in SA, but with the UK's narrower roads, more traffic and millions of potholes, I wouldn't even think of getting on a bike!
I've also suffered loneliness since returning to Devon to live four and a half years ago, family members lead their own lives and care little or nothing about mine, thus I'm not too far distant from your own problems.
However, within weeks of arriving in Adelaide I played competition tennis and table tennis, so with social badminton as well, it all brought me into contact with a lot of people during my half a century in Oz.
I also lived in 9 different places in Melbourne and Adelaide, so this added to the people I met, and curiously during all that time, I saw little crime. None in Melbourne's Elwood or Beaumaris during 6 years. Riding a bike could be scary at times in SA, but with the UK's narrower roads, more traffic and millions of potholes, I wouldn't even think of getting on a bike!
I've also suffered loneliness since returning to Devon to live four and a half years ago, family members lead their own lives and care little or nothing about mine, thus I'm not too far distant from your own problems.
Jan 29th 2017 | 9:26 am
#19
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 5,463
From: Brisvegas
Re: Don't belong
Feeling isolated. Have returned to Australia after living in the UK for 16 years. My "family" aren't very supportive - they want me to run around after them, to be who I was when I left and because I'm not dancing to their tune, they don't speak to me. They don't call or visit. I feel very sad,upset,embarassed because I brought my husband and cat over. My husband could have done with my family not behaving this way. No one is interested in us or our life. My family dont recognise we are adults and make our own desicions - treat us as if we know nothing. We both were very lucky to get jobs within a couple of months of arriving. But no one here cares. Iam so fed up. I just wanted to be happy with my husband and cat. And now I just dnt feel settled I miss the UK our friends and my husbands family. I miss the lifestyle and everything I knew. My family make me feel like I have done something wrong like I'm a bad person - but I don't feel I have. Every day is a mental battle. Everything here is different now. Every day is bad news, some crime going on, the cost of living is terribly high and the people driving - so unsafe on the roads. I feel I dnt click with anyone here - no one gets my sarcasm or humour. And I feel if I dnt do what my family or people in work want - I'm ostricized. I find alot of Australians arrogant, disrespectful and rude. I am so confused. I love my husband so much and feel terrible tht the experience for him isn't a happier one. I've read a bit about reverse culture shock - I have thought about explaining this to my family - but iam pretty certain they will scoff and brush it off. I have lost my temper twice with my father and brother - as I haven't run around after them or my niece and nephew - I dnt have time for tht right now let alone the mental stability to cope with their verbal abuse. Both have told me to f**k off - my brother actually said f**k off back to the UK like I did 16 years ago. I feel no one understand and I dnt want to talk to my friends in the UK about it anymore as every time I speak with them I just sound negative and tht I have nothing else to say. Anyone got any thoughts, advice or even simply experienced something similar?
You say that people don't get your humour and sarcasm, well that can apply anywhere, any time. It just sounds like you're in a dark place. I don't think it's Australia and your family that's changed, I think it might be you and maybe if you're that unhappy you should go and speak to a professional for help before it turns into full blown depression and your own personal life starts to fall apart too.
Good luck.
Jan 30th 2017 | 12:00 am
#20
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 339
Re: Don't belong
My wife is an Aussie and I'm from England. My wife lived overseas for many years and on her return has never been properly accepted by her countrymen. Aussies seem very narrow minded in that if you don't go to kindy garden with them and stay with them all the way thru school then you aren't one of them and they don't know how, or wish, to treat you normally.
I have never felt so 'outside' as I have living here and in the UK I had loads of friends as I was always told I'm a nice, easy going, funny guy. I'm still kinda like that but very jaded from how Aussies have treated me.
Basically, if you were happier in the UK and whatever your reasons for returning haven't been fullfilled due to your family etc then seriously think about going back to the UK. Just because family are blood doesn't mean they are truly family. It happens all the time and if anyone can't accept a person for who they are then it is their problem and their loss.
It took 5 yrs for my family to realise I had a will of my own and moving here to be with my wife was my decision. After that things got better and we all miss seeing each other as often as if in the same country.
People you meet can become more like family then any blood relative. Family isn't about DNA, it's about being accepted for who you are.
I hope you figure out what you wish to do. Ask your husband honestly what he thinks and all the best in your decision.
A large part of me wants to return home but I love my wife.
I have never felt so 'outside' as I have living here and in the UK I had loads of friends as I was always told I'm a nice, easy going, funny guy. I'm still kinda like that but very jaded from how Aussies have treated me.
Basically, if you were happier in the UK and whatever your reasons for returning haven't been fullfilled due to your family etc then seriously think about going back to the UK. Just because family are blood doesn't mean they are truly family. It happens all the time and if anyone can't accept a person for who they are then it is their problem and their loss.
It took 5 yrs for my family to realise I had a will of my own and moving here to be with my wife was my decision. After that things got better and we all miss seeing each other as often as if in the same country.
People you meet can become more like family then any blood relative. Family isn't about DNA, it's about being accepted for who you are.
I hope you figure out what you wish to do. Ask your husband honestly what he thinks and all the best in your decision.
A large part of me wants to return home but I love my wife.
Jan 30th 2017 | 3:52 am
#21
Last resort... format c:/
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,095
From: Singapore to Surfers Paradise to... Tenerife... to Gran Canaria!
Re: Don't belong
Just take some typical New Yorker, let's say white, Italian origin, a true 100% American, patriotic to the bone, loves his country. Over there he's a model citizen, fits in like anyone else. No issues whatsoever. It's all about how he feels and who he wants to be.
Take this same guy and drop him in Australia and it's an entirely different story altogether. A slight tinge in the accent and that alone would prevent him from being regarded as a "true Australian." The rest wouldn't even matter...
A lot of it is down to personal insecurity and trying to force a stereotypical view of the base Australian, even down to how he should act, talk, etc. Sometimes it borders on the ludicrous, like (white) people hating Europe just to show how "Australian" they are. Imagine Barack Obama or black people in the US saying "screw Africa" or "Africa sucks" just to show how truly American they are.
Jan 30th 2017 | 1:59 pm
#22
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 339
Re: Don't belong
Yes, in a way Australia is the direct opposite of the US when it comes to fitting in: in the US it's all about how you feel, whereas down under it's all about what OTHERS think of you.
Just take some typical New Yorker, let's say white, Italian origin, a true 100% American, patriotic to the bone, loves his country. Over there he's a model citizen, fits in like anyone else. No issues whatsoever. It's all about how he feels and who he wants to be.
Take this same guy and drop him in Australia and it's an entirely different story altogether. A slight tinge in the accent and that alone would prevent him from being regarded as a "true Australian." The rest wouldn't even matter...
A lot of it is down to personal insecurity and trying to force a stereotypical view of the base Australian, even down to how he should act, talk, etc. Sometimes it borders on the ludicrous, like (white) people hating Europe just to show how "Australian" they are. Imagine Barack Obama or black people in the US saying "screw Africa" or "Africa sucks" just to show how truly American they are.
Just take some typical New Yorker, let's say white, Italian origin, a true 100% American, patriotic to the bone, loves his country. Over there he's a model citizen, fits in like anyone else. No issues whatsoever. It's all about how he feels and who he wants to be.
Take this same guy and drop him in Australia and it's an entirely different story altogether. A slight tinge in the accent and that alone would prevent him from being regarded as a "true Australian." The rest wouldn't even matter...
A lot of it is down to personal insecurity and trying to force a stereotypical view of the base Australian, even down to how he should act, talk, etc. Sometimes it borders on the ludicrous, like (white) people hating Europe just to show how "Australian" they are. Imagine Barack Obama or black people in the US saying "screw Africa" or "Africa sucks" just to show how truly American they are.
It's very similar to white Americans wanting nothing to do with the UK even though this is where they came from.
I must be weird cos although I love my country and not blind enough to see that it has it's flaws too. Being proud of your country with a narrow mind is not a good thing.
Jan 30th 2017 | 3:12 pm
#23
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 5,396
From: Cayman Islands
Re: Don't belong
This "uber-patriotism" has come in only during the past couple of generations. At the time I left in 1963 there was still an innocent fondness for Britain. People of my generation had grandparents who were delighted for us to be "going home" (meaning, England or Scotland or Ireland). Many of my parents' generation didn't actually like English people in the flesh, and restricted the sentimental fondness to the country. "Mother England", and all that.
Jan 30th 2017 | 6:09 pm
#24
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 339
Re: Don't belong
This "uber-patriotism" has come in only during the past couple of generations. At the time I left in 1963 there was still an innocent fondness for Britain. People of my generation had grandparents who were delighted for us to be "going home" (meaning, England or Scotland or Ireland). Many of my parents' generation didn't actually like English people in the flesh, and restricted the sentimental fondness to the country. "Mother England", and all that.
Jan 30th 2017 | 6:28 pm
#25
Home and Happy
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 94,305
From: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
Re: Don't belong
I have to admit I now go to the other extreme and make a big thing of being British, make no secret of the fact that when I can no longer work I will go home - for the NHS if nothing else as the healthcare here is crippling me financially. If they want to put barriers between "true blue battler" Aussies and people who just wanted to settle, enjoy, and spend their lives here then fine, I can do that with bells on.
Jan 30th 2017 | 10:25 pm
#26
Last resort... format c:/
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,095
From: Singapore to Surfers Paradise to... Tenerife... to Gran Canaria!
Re: Don't belong
It mainly seems to be an "Aussie" thing of forcing everyone into this tight stereotype if they are to fit in (aka acknowledged by others). Whereas in the US you just do your thing, in Oz you are expected to do what others expect of you if you are to be recognised as a fellow "Aussie."
I'm curious what NZ is like in that regard.
Jan 31st 2017 | 5:22 pm
#27
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 339
Re: Don't belong
I'm fed up with it. Attitudes lately seem to be worse, viewing everyone as 'stealing our jobs' etc in a way that has a nasty undercurrent I never experienced in my early years here. I worked with a Canadian who was here with her husband who held a 457 and people's comments when they left to go home were awful....'oh good, another job comes back to the locals' for example.
I have to admit I now go to the other extreme and make a big thing of being British, make no secret of the fact that when I can no longer work I will go home - for the NHS if nothing else as the healthcare here is crippling me financially. If they want to put barriers between "true blue battler" Aussies and people who just wanted to settle, enjoy, and spend their lives here then fine, I can do that with bells on.
I have to admit I now go to the other extreme and make a big thing of being British, make no secret of the fact that when I can no longer work I will go home - for the NHS if nothing else as the healthcare here is crippling me financially. If they want to put barriers between "true blue battler" Aussies and people who just wanted to settle, enjoy, and spend their lives here then fine, I can do that with bells on.
I'm the same as you when it comes to being myself and if ya don't like it then tis your problem. I also hope that UK still has the NHS when we both return cos the Tories truly are a bunch of ******s lately. More and more so.
I haven't had health insurance for years here cos why should you have to pay extra for something your taxes pay for? Oz is halfway to becoming American where only the rich can afford to get treated.
Jan 31st 2017 | 5:24 pm
#28
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 339
Re: Don't belong
Over there that sort of reaction is still quite rare. Most will cherish the opportunity to tell you how they're 1/2 Scottish, 1/4 German, 1/8 Swedish, etc.
It mainly seems to be an "Aussie" thing of forcing everyone into this tight stereotype if they are to fit in (aka acknowledged by others). Whereas in the US you just do your thing, in Oz you are expected to do what others expect of you if you are to be recognised as a fellow "Aussie."
I'm curious what NZ is like in that regard.
It mainly seems to be an "Aussie" thing of forcing everyone into this tight stereotype if they are to fit in (aka acknowledged by others). Whereas in the US you just do your thing, in Oz you are expected to do what others expect of you if you are to be recognised as a fellow "Aussie."
I'm curious what NZ is like in that regard.
Either way, intolerance leads to bad places in human history so let's hope it gets better over here.
Feb 1st 2017 | 7:42 am
#29
Just Joined
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 11
From: Syndey
Re: Don't belong
I find the best way to fit is to simple to say "I'm British, but I don't like Cricket, I don't like Football, but I will on occasion drink a warm beer".
Feb 1st 2017 | 8:48 am
#30
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 5,463
From: Brisvegas
Re: Don't belong
I do hope Melbournians are better but frankly Brisbanites can get f**ked!!! This current Aussie mentality is what caused Trump to get so many votes in USA. Intolerance is just plain ugly and makes society worse.
I'm the same as you when it comes to being myself and if ya don't like it then tis your problem. I also hope that UK still has the NHS when we both return cos the Tories truly are a bunch of ******s lately. More and more so.
I haven't had health insurance for years here cos why should you have to pay extra for something your taxes pay for? Oz is halfway to becoming American where only the rich can afford to get treated.
I'm the same as you when it comes to being myself and if ya don't like it then tis your problem. I also hope that UK still has the NHS when we both return cos the Tories truly are a bunch of ******s lately. More and more so.
I haven't had health insurance for years here cos why should you have to pay extra for something your taxes pay for? Oz is halfway to becoming American where only the rich can afford to get treated.
