Don't belong
 

Feeling isolated. Have returned to Australia after living in the UK for 16 years. My "family" aren't very supportive - they want me to run around after them, to be who I was when I left and because I'm not dancing to their tune, they don't speak to me. They don't call or visit. I feel very sad,upset,embarassed because I brought my husband and cat over. My husband could have done with my family not behaving this way. No one is interested in us or our life. My family dont recognise we are adults and make our own desicions - treat us as if we know nothing. We both were very lucky to get jobs within a couple of months of arriving. But no one here cares. Iam so fed up. I just wanted to be happy with my husband and cat. And now I just dnt feel settled I miss the UK our friends and my husbands family. I miss the lifestyle and everything I knew. My family make me feel like I have done something wrong like I'm a bad person - but I don't feel I have. Every day is a mental battle. Everything here is different now. Every day is bad news, some crime going on, the cost of living is terribly high and the people driving - so unsafe on the roads. I feel I dnt click with anyone here - no one gets my sarcasm or humour. And I feel if I dnt do what my family or people in work want - I'm ostricized. I find alot of Australians arrogant, disrespectful and rude. I am so confused. I love my husband so much and feel terrible tht the experience for him isn't a happier one. I've read a bit about reverse culture shock - I have thought about explaining this to my family - but iam pretty certain they will scoff and brush it off. I have lost my temper twice with my father and brother - as I haven't run around after them or my niece and nephew - I dnt have time for tht right now let alone the mental stability to cope with their verbal abuse. Both have told me to f**k off - my brother actually said f**k off back to the UK like I did 16 years ago. I feel no one understand and I dnt want to talk to my friends in the UK about it anymore as every time I speak with them I just sound negative and tht I have nothing else to say. Anyone got any thoughts, advice or even simply experienced something similar?

Re: Don't belong
 

Deep in the mire of depression myself I can only offer empathy and hugs.
I feel stranded here, no family, few friends, can't leave due to this being my only chance of a good job and decent wage.......

So, as I know, you need to find a way of coping.......
Do you have any friends here from when you lived here before? Do you feel comfortable saying on here whereabouts you are - someone may be local :)

Don't focus on the every day is a crime wave/ car crash etc - you know that happens worldwide. Try and work out what you and your husband want from the move and aim for that - maybe some trips to other parts of Aus that he would like to see?

Hang in there :)

Re: Don't belong
 

Sorry to hear what you're going through - it's so hard when your family are not supportive. My wife and I have experienced a bit of that ourselves and we've had to 'take a break' from speaking to some of them for a while as their negativity was very wearing.

I know that this is easier said than done but I think you need some more positive people around you so that you can reinforce the thought that it's not all bad. As Polly said, perhaps there's someone on here that may be able to chat to you. Sal and I like to go camping, preferably away from cell phone coverage so that we can really enjoy ourselves.

Don't give up guys. Try to surround yourself with positive people. Let the negative ones go for a while, it won't hurt them.

Re: Don't belong
 

I can relate to the "not belonging" and it's a horrible place to find yourself. I guess the question is how important is it to you that you stay in Australia? If it's not that important then leave and see if you can reclaim some of your prior life. If it is important then you're probably going to have to make some changes - either location or just cut out your family from your life - they don't want you, they don't get you, your time or your energy.

Either way, you are in that "curse of the Expat" roller coaster now - you can never go back to exactly what you had so you just have to look at life as moving forward and new starts. Be where you "belong" I reckon! I do hope you got your UK citizenship before you left!

Re: Don't belong
 

I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances, Uno17511. While my present experience is quite different to yours, I can easily imagine feeling the way you described when I finally make the move over to Australia (which is perhaps one of the reasons why I've not quite taken that final big step).

I can only hope that things work out for you. Hang in there, and take care!

Re: Don't belong
 

The first thing to do is to recognise what went wrong. It's a well known axiom that "you can't go home again" - meaning, you have changed so much since you left, that your home community will be foreign to you. I first found this out when I went back to my home in Australia after only a year overseas, and visited with old friends. The friends were the same as they used to be, but I had changed - and we weren't on the same wave-length any more. Most returning expats will agree with me on this. My accent was different, and my vocab, and of course my exposure to foreigners (and, yes, England is a foreign place to Australians). My old friends found it hard/impossible to cope with the changes.

Next, how you yourself can cope... My advice is to pretend (i.e. act as though) you've moved to another place where you don't know anybody. Many of us have done that, without trauma. We gradually make new friends among our workmates and their friends. Your family and old friends are thousands of miles away (we're still pretending, here), so you just don't visit, or have them visit. Email them or phone them, just the way you did when you lived in England. Stay away from them until they accept that you've changed and that you can't change back, and they invite you to join them. Good luck.

Re: Don't belong
 

Thanks for your reply. I understand how ur feeling, its not a happy place to b in, sorry matey. It's good to talk about it on here as you'll speak to people who will understand and it's a relief in a way, as much I would never wish anyone any harm.
It's weird we feel the same about the jobs - great job. We both feel the only reason we're here is b/c of the jobs now. I get tht with the crime - it's everywhere, but I generally feel where we were from in Wales tht we felt safer, u didn't hear as much. Driving is so different - most people in Wales kept to the left, lorries didn't speed past you, minimal tailgating and rarely undertaking. We got over the initial shock and pooping pants (not literally😊) when on the road, we're a little more confident and now just sit back. I'll b the one everyone passes lol!
Unfortunately no friends from before. I live west of melbourne, but tht may change in a couple of months - we're hoping to move when the tenancy finishes. Wed like to b closer to the coast or somewhere which feels or thought australia would be like. Who knows where tht will b, altho can't go too far b/c of work and cost of rent is not cheap.
We'll definitely take trips elsewhere. Is it naive to say we came here for a new / fresh start in life??
Iam sure my hubby said theres expat get togethers or something ?? Iam not 100% on tht tho. X

Re: Don't belong
 

I have thought about tht alot and cutting ties for awhile. It goes against the grain a bit which is y i guess it still lingers .. I guess it'll just b time.
Thank you for the advice - will definitely take on board. X

Re: Don't belong
 

It's certainly not good to come back "home" and receive such treatment from family, but by the look of things I think you might be in a bad place overall. I must say that during my last 14-mth stint in Australia (as someone who is also much more used to the UK way of life - except for the weather/climate) I never even thought of crime as a problem, never ever felt endangered in any way, and never found anything wrong with driving standards when compared to the UK.

Maybe you could do with a change of scenery if you can secure jobs in another part of the country?

Re: Don't belong
 

Thanks for your advice SoCalDon defo take on board. I haven't called them for awhile. Just trying to get my head around it all. I think the most part despite my family not being supportive I find it very different here now and miss the UK.

Re: Don't belong
 

Hi aster. We have thought about going to another state - maybe perth. I find it hard to believe with crime not being a problem. It happens everywhere and maybe it wasn't on the news as much in uk. Toorak store: 2 robberies within short period, girl chased around in her car and when and she tried to escape she was assaulted, bottlemart broken into at 6pm one evening with 2-3 men with axes, stabbing by the same person who mowed down half of the Bourke street walking strip, there's been alot more on the news and posted online - I just dnt watch it anymore. I'm not a slow driver I do the speed limit but every day lorries with 2 trailers quote often overtake me doing more than 100, sometimes 110, if they jackknifed anyone in their path would be dead, alot of people I watch drive down the hard shoulder when there's traffic or even just "undertaking" on the hard shoulder when there's no traffic, the speed limit isnt quick enuf for them apparently.I get it,crime, speed etc is everywhere maybe if I was feeling ok and probably missing the UK after 16 years of it being my life doesn't help. I'm quite biased at the mo. And was probably naive in thinking it was going to be great moving and living back in melbourne. .Sorry for the rant. But I dnt have anyone to talk to.

Re: Don't belong
 

Hi quoll .. no I didn't I toyed with getting it .. dnt ask me y I didn't I really wish I did .. had indefinete leave ..devastated, my own fault. I was told I can get a partner visa if I leave it more than 2 years after leaving the uk. I hope brexit doesn't change anything...

I've been here 9 months now and I really can't say I feel different.I knw it's only a short period.but still. Totally let down by the people who I thought wud support my husband and I. Let alone - my husband finding it difficult. I had reservations - I really shud have listened to them. Ur right, I dnt belong here. At least that's what my heart says.curse of the Expat is an understatement. R u ok? How long have you been in australia? How did / r u getting thru it?

Re: Don't belong
 

Hi xizzles. I'm sorry u've had to read this on here. It's a brutal wake up call that I didn't expect. My "home" country isn't really my home country anymore.

My husband said he thought this would be "UK in the sun" .. it's not. The grass isn't always greener .. with that said xizzles you don't know until you try it.some people it works out, some it doesn't. It may be different for u. I think there's alot more to it with me than my family not wanting to know. Im not sure what part of the UK u r from or y u have decided to make the move, but I wish u the absolute best with ur plans. And if I'm still here then I'd b happy to meet up for a coffee.

Re: Don't belong
 

Hi Gordon. Thanks for taking the time to reply. Iam grateful for everyone who has replied.
I think pretending is spot on tbh. I guess in a way I have started to do tht recently - I dnt visit I just make the odd call. It just is always on my mind, and I have been searching my brain for a way to "forget/pretend" none of this with my family has happened. I think the other big thing like I've mentioned in other replies is the fact I'm here and not there and missing the uk. I miss my "home" and it's only been 9 months but I can't think about anything else. Some days we're ok and then there's others where we literally feel lost not knowing what we're doing or where we're going in life.all b/c of a move. I spose we weren't to know we were going to feel like this certainly not myself. And we had to come here to try ... Sorry.
Thanks for your replies everyone.

Re: Don't belong
 

I'm not sure but I think you might have a right of return to UK if you go back within the 2 years otherwise it's a whole new application process, unless, of course, you have UK ancestry which makes it much easier than a new spouse visa - what visa were you on before?

I'm fine thanks - 32 years 8 months in Australia and now 5 years 5 months in UK (came back on holiday and haven't returned yet!) - caring for elderly parents at the mo. It was a long time not to feel like I belonged but at first it was an adventure so I didn't have the angst that you are experiencing until much later when I discovered I was trapped there. Being trapped IMHO makes it worse. While you think you have freedom to be where you want to be it's easier to cope. No rationale for that really, both are first world countries, neither inherently better than the other but you either "fit" or you don't. You don't have to keep battering your head against the brick wall in the hope that it will make your headache go away!