Grub

> THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

> > Stage 1 - CLEVER

> > This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
> > universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
> > knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right.
> > And, of course,
> > the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an
> interesting
> > argument when both parties are CLEVER.
> >
> > Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
> >
> > This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
> > entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
> > stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
> Bear
> > in
> > mind that you are
> > still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the
> > sun.
> >
> > Stage 3 - RICH
> >
> > This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can
> > buy
> > drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can
> > also
> > make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER
> > so,naturally,
> > you
> > will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you
> are
> > RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the
> > knowledge
> > that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
> >
> > Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
> >
> > You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
> those
> > with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now
> > INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the
> people
> > who you fancy and
> > challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of
> losing
> > this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE
> > you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
> >
> > Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
> >
> > This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
> anything,
> > because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the
> > people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot
> see
> > you.
> > You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also
> > INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the
> > street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear
> you
> > and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
> >
> > THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
> > ------------------------------
> >
> > Stage 1 - STUPID
> >
> > As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
> churning
> > stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only
> > several
> > hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything
> > whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12
> > hours.
> >
> > Stage 2 - UGLY
> >
> > Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
> > you
> > are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you
> > previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a
> > glorious
> > collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather
> > probably looks
> > healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to
> > try
> > and shave whilst shaking.
> >
> > Stage 3 - POOR
> >
> > Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
> the
> > door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is
> now
> > missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened
> to
> > it
> > but the
> > traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might
> have
> > treated everyone to a takeaway at some point
> > Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given
> > the
> > taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising that you
> couldn't
> > possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed,
> > you
> > come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks
> > all
> > night and start to loathe all your friends.
> >
> > Stage 4 - FRAGILE
> >
> > As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
> self-esteem
> > plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel
> > liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
> >
> > Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
> >
> > This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot
> > this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even
> worse,
> > they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and
> that
> > you are too
> > STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and
> > too
> > UGLY to hide
>
>

Ginny

Too much reading. Need shorter fun for my wee mind!!

Thanks anyway

Ginny