Bored- therefore a funny for you all
> THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
> > Stage 1 - CLEVER > > This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known > > universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your > > knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. > > And, of course, > > the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an > interesting > > argument when both parties are CLEVER. > > > > Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE > > > > This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the > > entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect > > stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. > Bear > > in > > mind that you are > > still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the > > sun. > > > > Stage 3 - RICH > > > > This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can > > buy > > drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can > > also > > make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER > > so,naturally, > > you > > will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you > are > > RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the > > knowledge > > that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present. > > > > Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE > > > > You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially > those > > with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now > > INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the > people > > who you fancy and > > challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of > losing > > this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE > > you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway. > > > > Stage 5 - INVISIBLE > > > > This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do > anything, > > because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the > > people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot > see > > you. > > You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also > > INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the > > street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear > you > > and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words. > > > > THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP > > ------------------------------ > > > > Stage 1 - STUPID > > > > As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the > churning > > stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only > > several > > hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything > > whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 > > hours. > > > > Stage 2 - UGLY > > > > Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing > > you > > are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you > > previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a > > glorious > > collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather > > probably looks > > healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to > > try > > and shave whilst shaking. > > > > Stage 3 - POOR > > > > Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out > the > > door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is > now > > missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened > to > > it > > but the > > traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might > have > > treated everyone to a takeaway at some point > > Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given > > the > > taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising that you > couldn't > > possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, > > you > > come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks > > all > > night and start to loathe all your friends. > > > > Stage 4 - FRAGILE > > > > As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE > self-esteem > > plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel > > liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you. > > > > Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS > > > > This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot > > this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even > worse, > > they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and > that > > you are too > > STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and > > too > > UGLY to hide > > |
Re: Bored- therefore a funny for you all
Originally posted by Grub: > THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS > > Stage 1 - CLEVER > > This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known > > universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your > > knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. > > And, of course, > > the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an > interesting > > argument when both parties are CLEVER. > > > > Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE > > > > This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the > > entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect > > stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. > Bear > > in > > mind that you are > > still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the > > sun. > > > > Stage 3 - RICH > > > > This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can > > buy > > drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can > > also > > make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER > > so,naturally, > > you > > will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you > are > > RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the > > knowledge > > that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present. > > > > Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE > > > > You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially > those > > with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now > > INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the > people > > who you fancy and > > challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of > losing > > this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE > > you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway. > > > > Stage 5 - INVISIBLE > > > > This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do > anything, > > because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the > > people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot > see > > you. > > You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also > > INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the > > street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear > you > > and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words. > > > > THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP > > ------------------------------ > > > > Stage 1 - STUPID > > > > As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the > churning > > stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only > > several > > hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything > > whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 > > hours. > > > > Stage 2 - UGLY > > > > Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing > > you > > are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you > > previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a > > glorious > > collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather > > probably looks > > healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to > > try > > and shave whilst shaking. > > > > Stage 3 - POOR > > > > Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out > the > > door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is > now > > missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened > to > > it > > but the > > traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might > have > > treated everyone to a takeaway at some point > > Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given > > the > > taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising that you > couldn't > > possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, > > you > > come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks > > all > > night and start to loathe all your friends. > > > > Stage 4 - FRAGILE > > > > As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE > self-esteem > > plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel > > liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you. > > > > Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS > > > > This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot > > this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even > worse, > > they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and > that > > you are too > > STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and > > too > > UGLY to hide > > Too much reading. Need shorter fun for my wee mind!! Thanks anyway Ginny :cool: |
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