Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
Apr 26th 2007, 10:15 am
#16
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Location: Poole, Dorset
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Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
I'm really sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment. I can sympathise and completely understand as we have been going through something similar. My parents and brother and sister have been fantastic and completely understand why we want to go. They are all already planning their holidays and although I know they don't want us to go they are being very supportive and not making us feel guilty at all.
My husbands family are being the opposite and we are struggling to deal with them. We thought the best thing would be to tell everyone when we started the TRA as we thought this would give them more time to get used to the idea. Ever since though it has been a completele nightmare. They tell us we are selfish for going and make us feel very guilty. My MIL had a go at me on Christmas day as she thinks it is all my idea and that I'm taking her son away from her. My sister in law has been a nightmare too and is trying to make us feel guilty. She is terrifed of flying so won't ever come and visit us and she has told us that it is unfair that we are moving so far away. At the moment she lives 10 mins away and we hardly see her thankfully.
In hindsight I wish we had waited to tell them as we've had this for months now and its really starting to get us down. We still have a long way to go and I think they are only going to get worse.
Next time they tell you how selfish you are, point out how selfish they are for making you feel guilty. This hasn't worked for us but I know it has worked for other people. We have told them that however hard they try, we won't be changing our minds and staying here.
Its obvious they care alot about you and they are probably getting caught up in their own emotions. They aren't thinking about why you are doing this, just about how much they will miss you. It is out ofo order to say what they are saying and my in laws are being just the same.
I don't know what the solution is but I really wish I did. I can't offer you any advice as I don't know how to deal with it myself. We've tried several different things from ignoring their comments to tackling them about it and for us nothing seems to be helping.
Just remember you aren't alone and there are lots of people in similar situations. Remember why you want to make the move and however hard it try not to let them get you down too much.
PM me if you want to chat or need someone to rant to. I completely understand.
My husbands family are being the opposite and we are struggling to deal with them. We thought the best thing would be to tell everyone when we started the TRA as we thought this would give them more time to get used to the idea. Ever since though it has been a completele nightmare. They tell us we are selfish for going and make us feel very guilty. My MIL had a go at me on Christmas day as she thinks it is all my idea and that I'm taking her son away from her. My sister in law has been a nightmare too and is trying to make us feel guilty. She is terrifed of flying so won't ever come and visit us and she has told us that it is unfair that we are moving so far away. At the moment she lives 10 mins away and we hardly see her thankfully.
In hindsight I wish we had waited to tell them as we've had this for months now and its really starting to get us down. We still have a long way to go and I think they are only going to get worse.
Next time they tell you how selfish you are, point out how selfish they are for making you feel guilty. This hasn't worked for us but I know it has worked for other people. We have told them that however hard they try, we won't be changing our minds and staying here.
Its obvious they care alot about you and they are probably getting caught up in their own emotions. They aren't thinking about why you are doing this, just about how much they will miss you. It is out ofo order to say what they are saying and my in laws are being just the same.
I don't know what the solution is but I really wish I did. I can't offer you any advice as I don't know how to deal with it myself. We've tried several different things from ignoring their comments to tackling them about it and for us nothing seems to be helping.
Just remember you aren't alone and there are lots of people in similar situations. Remember why you want to make the move and however hard it try not to let them get you down too much.
PM me if you want to chat or need someone to rant to. I completely understand.
Apr 26th 2007, 10:20 am
#17
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Location: Takapuna, New Zealand
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Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
Sorry to hear your having such a bad time with the rellies about this. We haven't properly decided to emigrate yet, 90% sure we will, but have had similar problems like this recently. You don't have to read anymore but its just my experience.
The g/f and I moved in together 3 years ago after going out for 2 years. Before this we got one really well with all our families. We moved 3 miles from the g/f parents but this was over and hour from my folks.
Once we had moved my parents would come over all the time but the g/f would NEVER come round or call. They never said anything was wrong, just didn't come round, and it got to the point where we kept a record of it. They came round a total of 4 times in a year and they only lived 3 miles away. My parents were round every couple of weeks. It upset Emma quite a lot but she got to the point of "stuff it, its not worth it" as they just couldn't see anything wrong with it.
In 05 I proposed and we had always said we were going to go away to get hitched (disney) so started saving with the plan to do it in May 07. But in March last year my wifes Dad got diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor and was only given 6 months to live. We rushed around to move the wedding forward but couldn't afford a wedding over here and just the thought of doing it here was really upsetting for the misses. She talked to her folks about us moving it forward and her Dad still wanted her to go abroad, even if he couldn't come as he knew thats what she always wanted. We thought about for a long time and eventually decided to get married in the Grand Canyon in Sept 07. Only my parents would come as we needed 2 witnesses but we'd have a big party afterwards for everyone and everyone seemed happy, esp her dad.
After this the guilt trips came and we suffered months of feeling like crap. They never asked her about the wedding until a month before when she said in floods of tears why don't you ask something. They didn't see anything wrong with not asking. Anyway, cut it short, we got married and after this my brother goes of at the deep end, full on physco at me for going abroad! We couldn't pay for him so he go nuts at it and we haven't spoken since and we were really close.
We still hardly ever see her family, her Dad is still with us thankfully, but they don't know about the Oz plans.
Sorry if this seems of topic slightly. All I mean by this is its your life not theirs so make the most of it. We intend to. If they don't like the idea of us going, sorry but its our life. Do whats best for you, I'm sure they will come around once you get there and they realize how horrible they have been to you.
Chin up and best of luck with your plans
The g/f and I moved in together 3 years ago after going out for 2 years. Before this we got one really well with all our families. We moved 3 miles from the g/f parents but this was over and hour from my folks.
Once we had moved my parents would come over all the time but the g/f would NEVER come round or call. They never said anything was wrong, just didn't come round, and it got to the point where we kept a record of it. They came round a total of 4 times in a year and they only lived 3 miles away. My parents were round every couple of weeks. It upset Emma quite a lot but she got to the point of "stuff it, its not worth it" as they just couldn't see anything wrong with it.
In 05 I proposed and we had always said we were going to go away to get hitched (disney) so started saving with the plan to do it in May 07. But in March last year my wifes Dad got diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor and was only given 6 months to live. We rushed around to move the wedding forward but couldn't afford a wedding over here and just the thought of doing it here was really upsetting for the misses. She talked to her folks about us moving it forward and her Dad still wanted her to go abroad, even if he couldn't come as he knew thats what she always wanted. We thought about for a long time and eventually decided to get married in the Grand Canyon in Sept 07. Only my parents would come as we needed 2 witnesses but we'd have a big party afterwards for everyone and everyone seemed happy, esp her dad.
After this the guilt trips came and we suffered months of feeling like crap. They never asked her about the wedding until a month before when she said in floods of tears why don't you ask something. They didn't see anything wrong with not asking. Anyway, cut it short, we got married and after this my brother goes of at the deep end, full on physco at me for going abroad! We couldn't pay for him so he go nuts at it and we haven't spoken since and we were really close.
We still hardly ever see her family, her Dad is still with us thankfully, but they don't know about the Oz plans.
Sorry if this seems of topic slightly. All I mean by this is its your life not theirs so make the most of it. We intend to. If they don't like the idea of us going, sorry but its our life. Do whats best for you, I'm sure they will come around once you get there and they realize how horrible they have been to you.
Chin up and best of luck with your plans
Apr 26th 2007, 10:46 am
#18
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Joined: Mar 2007
Location: Geelong!
Posts: 53
Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
I can't offer any advice as currently experiencing similar things. At first I think my parents and my sister and her family thought it was "just a phase" and we would not actually make the move but now 2 years since our reccie we have passed TRA and applied for visa (got CO and meds done just waiting for PCC's!) so things are hitting the "its really going to happen" stage.
We have already sold our house (before HIPS were introduced this June) and are currently renting - did it this way as I know my OH will want to be on the first available plane and not stressing about selling the house!!
However, although my parents keep asking questions about where we are going etc and have we heard anything else my sister told my OH last week that my mum and dad will not come over to see us (neither of them have ever flown before and mum is a BIG worrier) and he MUST promise to tell them that we will come over and visit them in a year or so!!!! I found this quite hard to take in as mum always said "well, I will just have to bite the bullet and get on a plane to visit" and I do feel guilty taking her youngest grand-daughter away but we have to do this for ourselves and at least give our daughter the chance of a better life (it is my personal opinion that we will all have a better quality of life and better opportunities!).
I am gutted that my sister said this to him and has not mentioned it to me but we are still talking and she keep saying she will have to save up for ages to be able to visit but hopefully when we go they will all visit and be able to see for themselves why we needed to do it.
In the meantime, I think the only major thing I can do for them before we go is get my dad set up on t'internet and buy everyone a web cam so that when we have gone we can keep in touch and they can see how well we all look!!
Hope everything works out well for you
We have already sold our house (before HIPS were introduced this June) and are currently renting - did it this way as I know my OH will want to be on the first available plane and not stressing about selling the house!!
However, although my parents keep asking questions about where we are going etc and have we heard anything else my sister told my OH last week that my mum and dad will not come over to see us (neither of them have ever flown before and mum is a BIG worrier) and he MUST promise to tell them that we will come over and visit them in a year or so!!!! I found this quite hard to take in as mum always said "well, I will just have to bite the bullet and get on a plane to visit" and I do feel guilty taking her youngest grand-daughter away but we have to do this for ourselves and at least give our daughter the chance of a better life (it is my personal opinion that we will all have a better quality of life and better opportunities!).
I am gutted that my sister said this to him and has not mentioned it to me but we are still talking and she keep saying she will have to save up for ages to be able to visit but hopefully when we go they will all visit and be able to see for themselves why we needed to do it.
In the meantime, I think the only major thing I can do for them before we go is get my dad set up on t'internet and buy everyone a web cam so that when we have gone we can keep in touch and they can see how well we all look!!
Hope everything works out well for you
Apr 26th 2007, 12:33 pm
#19
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Location: Leeds
Posts: 316
Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
Cheers guys,
it's really stupid that we all have go through this. Andy - my parents are the same, their way (or rather mum's way) or no way. Someone once said to me that families are like dropping a stone in a pond. The ones on the centre ring come first i.e. oh & children then every one else in decreasing circles. I can think like that today - i couldn't yesterday. I had a bad day yester which was the reason for the post. it was post or eat loads of chocolate or consuming vast amounts of vodka. I've meds on wednesday so the latter 2 weren't an option. We all want to have a better life and it just feels like crap that some people have to go through it to get to the other side. I love my family but I have come to terms with the fact that my parents are no longer in my life - their choice not mine and I just hope my sister will be strong enough to deal with it once we've gone....
at the mo there seems a lot of sense leaving telling them to once your going to the airport..... although in fairness they would have probably seen the 'for sale' sign.... doh!!! better luck next time....
shelley
it's really stupid that we all have go through this. Andy - my parents are the same, their way (or rather mum's way) or no way. Someone once said to me that families are like dropping a stone in a pond. The ones on the centre ring come first i.e. oh & children then every one else in decreasing circles. I can think like that today - i couldn't yesterday. I had a bad day yester which was the reason for the post. it was post or eat loads of chocolate or consuming vast amounts of vodka. I've meds on wednesday so the latter 2 weren't an option. We all want to have a better life and it just feels like crap that some people have to go through it to get to the other side. I love my family but I have come to terms with the fact that my parents are no longer in my life - their choice not mine and I just hope my sister will be strong enough to deal with it once we've gone....
at the mo there seems a lot of sense leaving telling them to once your going to the airport..... although in fairness they would have probably seen the 'for sale' sign.... doh!!! better luck next time....
shelley
Apr 26th 2007, 1:14 pm
#20
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Location: Takapuna, New Zealand
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Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
I've always been quite none-dependent on my folks, the same as my wife is, but compared to our brothers who although older and living away from home, are still very "home centric" if you know what I mean. I think this is why they are funny with us because he are not round there every day bugging them for help, they in a roundabout way think we are too good for them now???
Whatever you do, don't regret your desicion. If your folks aren't happy with you going, thats there opinion, I dont tell them what to do and they shouldn't do the same. They should be thankful they raised someone who is mature enough and able enough to want to look anywhere in this world to get the best life for there family/future. I'm sure before they had you if they thought they could get a better life elsewhere for the sake of the family they would have.
Really wish you all the v.best! Keep your chin up, tomorrow is another day.
Just keep swimming....
Last edited by AndyR; Apr 26th 2007 at 1:17 pm.
