Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

You'd think I had murdered some one the way my family are behaving.

I've always had an on/off relationship with my mum. As long as you are doing everything her way then everything honky dory... wo be tied you suggest anything or do anything that just doesn't fit in to her nice box... so we eventually decided to do something for us for a change and my god has it started world war 3.

I can live with how my mum is dealing with it - been there done that and am starting to come to turns with who she is - my dad just follows what she says so there's no point. My sister on the other hand is a different issue. We've always had a really good relationship but things are changing and I don't want them to.

We told her and her husband last August of our intended move so that they had plent of time to get used o the idea. They were obviously shocked... no positives where offered only negatives ...husbands a bit tight and he came back with 'well we can't afford to come out and see you....' I said that we would cover them and we wouldaim to come back every couple of years for a holiday... she then ignored it for a while I spose trying to pretend it wasn't happening... even took her to an expo so that she could see why we are doing it but things are just going from bad to worse. Since christmas we've hadly spoken - if we do it ends up in a row.. Now we are selfish and I'm leaving her to pick up the pieces when we go to our new life.... I just can't get her to see that we can still be a family even though we are on the other side of the world. I can't stay for her but I feel like shit upsetting her...

moan over - sorry I've just had one of those days and the only people that could know what I'm going through is those of you that are in the same boat...

If someone offered me 20k less for the house we'd bugger off tomorrow onm a long stress free holiday to arrive in oz just intime to validate our visa.... dreams....

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

Hi Shelley,

Sorry to hear you're feeling so crap today:( . I don't really have any useful suggestions just wanted to say I kinda know how you feel. My Mum didn't speak about it for ages but seems to be getting used to the idea now (bout time as we're hoping to be off in June). Hopefully your sis will come round in time. At the end of the day you're going with or without her approval and she could make it a lot easier for both of you by supporting your decision. Like you say you're still her sis even all the way in Oz. There are so many ways to stay in touch in between visits. Im sure she'll soon realise she's being silly. Chin up hun :D .

Tasha x

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

Oh hun what a nitemare! My SIL is a bit like this so I do have some idea how your feeling! It makes you feel terrible eh. My SIL seems to think we are doing it to spite her. Had an emotional weekend wondering if its the right thing to do for the family. Just need some distance and we'll get that in Oz:)

I think they just need time to adjust but I don't think they can learn to until you have actually made the move. Hopefully once you move they will realise they can still keep in touch and you have done it for your family and a better way of live.

hugs to you

Axx

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

I cant offer any advice but I know what it feels like, my mam is not very happy at the thought of us going to Oz, she just is'nt talking about it may be if she does'nt mention it it WONT happen!!! I think thats what she thinks.

I am my mams world! my sister lives in London and my brother well... he's a typical son does'nt really bother and she goes no where and has no friends and wants to spend any spare time I have with me.

Now between two sons and two jobs thats not a lot of spare time! Dont get me wrong I love my mam and will miss her loads but going to Oz may give me the space I need, then again I may eat my words about this!

You just have to do what is best for you and your family you only get one chance of life and some times you cant please every body, thats what Im telling myself any way!

Hope you can sort it before you go!

Julie

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

I am sorry you are having a bad day. I think to make the decision to Move to Oz is so huge that maybe for some family and friends they cannot understand that you can be brave enough to do this. I get the feeling that maybe some of our family are kinda jealous that we are doing this? My sister has said that for her own selfish reasons she can't be happy for us. Then on another day she says she understands why? So I don't get it!!!

I hope that when we finally go in November that they do understand why we are going and if they don't then I guess there is nothing we can do about it anyway.

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

hang on in there:)

our story in brief should give you some hope,

we told our family that we were leaving for oz at some time in the future and booked our rekkie, upto going to brisbane i think everyone thought we would back out but when we came back and said we were definately going, well, then family became upset, my mum cried all the time but tried to be supportive our friends were terrible (and still are) but the person who really acted badley was my husbands brother, they have always been very close, but he hardly wanted to speak to us, his wife was less angry but still quietly upset on the subject, we were all close, with children of a similar age and for some time things were a little distant, however 15 months on and five months before we go, my husband and i have made a real effort to spend as much time with them and the childen as possible as we know we are leaving and i can happily report that they have come round to the idea so much that they have recently announced their own plans to join us in oz, this is fantastic for us because not only are they family, i would say that my sister in law is my best friend:thumbsup: as for the rest of the family, my mum has gone from never stepping foot in THAT country to how long can we spend out there each year!! my sister has also decided to move to oz. Sadly our friends have still not entirely accepted the move, but you cant have everything can you!!

Hang on in there you never know what the future holds, its takes some time for people to accept something of this magnitude!

good luck

Beth:D

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

Sorry to hear this. Try not to feel guilty though. You just have to do what's best for you. The way my husband and I are looking at it, if we wait till something happens to our parents then it'll be too late to go and then where would that leave us? We are doing this for us and our kids. Our family have been really negative looking at all the black points but they're only thinking of themselves!! There's a bit of selfishness on both sides! Hopefully your family will come round eventually as I'm sure they will.

good luck:thumbsup: xx

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with the rellies. We're going over in June and only told our families 4 months ago. We've been very lucky and I thought I'd share my in-laws's reaction, not to make you feel bad but because I thought MIL summed it up so nicely.

She said "Of course we'll miss you and X (grandson) but you must make decisions that you feel are right for your family because that's what we did for our family".

She was absolutely right and I think that's what you must do. You can't live life for other people, no matter who they are. They will come around eventually I'm sure. Try not to stress.

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

Having big trouble with my family here too. :( Some really nasty stuff been said (to me) so far i have bitten my tongue. I understand they are upset at us going BUT i wont be able to keep biting it if they insist on being down right abusive. :unsure:
mandy x

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

hello there
the same happend to me my mom and dad just never talked about it,to us and to there friends. but we go in october and THEY TALK ABOUT IT they are still not happy but have come to terms with it all.they ask us where we are going to live and what house we are going to have.
i wish you all well with it dont give up you only live once LIVE YOUR LIFE
Dave

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

I dont know if it will help but it might make you feel better: next time your sister tells you how selfish you are point out how selfish she is being by putting the guilt trip on you for making this move, which I'm sure you and your other half and spent a long time thinking about and obviously feel is best for you.

Unfortunately people tend to get wrapped up in their own emotions and dont think how it affects the other person. In some ways it's good as it shows she obviously loves you and is going to miss you a great deal BUT it is out of order to say it in the way she is.

I know we were lucky with my family, even though my dad was devastated (I saw the look on his face when we told him we'd passed our TRA even though he tried to hide it) he has never been anything other than supportive and enthusiastic. My mum's first reaction was "well, you'll never see me again becuase i'm not flying all that way" - but they came out for 3 weeks last year and she's due to arrive a week Saturday for three months!

My sister can't afford the air fare, she is saving when she can, and we can't afford to pay for her, but hopefully one day she'll visit and in the meantime again she's been supportive and "good for you" (she left the UK for Spain anyway).

OHs werent so positive. His dad laid the guilt trip on (his mum has glaucoma) with comments about how is mum's eyes were getting bad (as if somehow us staying in the UK would make them better?!) and his brother (who lived 8 miles down the road and we never ever saw them unless we made the effort) apparently was so upset that he couldnt bring himself to talk to us - and hasnt bothered much since we arrived either.

I guess different people tackle it in different ways. Point of my post is, when people are being negative and trying to lay the guilt trip on remember the reason you're doing it and at the end of the day it's YOUR life, not theirs. I'm sure they'll come round in the end but if not, try not to beat yourself up about it.

Dont know if that's any help but hope it has been :o

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

I think you have quite enough on your plates to worry about "outside" family however hard that is. Yes most of the time they say these things because they love you but to my mind that sort of love you can do without.

They are adults and should know that people move on whether abroad, somewhere else in the UK or even emotionally. I don't care how much they say they love you (general) it's downright selfish to behave so badly; it's not acceptable for bad behaviour from children, let alone adults. Tell them you have lots to deal with and they need to sort themselves out or the relationship is shot.

Rant over.

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

What they are experiencing is called "separation anxiety" and is generally classed as a general anxiety disorder.

It's most prevalent in children and family pets but common forms of it in adults are separations, divorces and death of a close friend or relative. Some people handle this OK and others react badly in various ways. I suspect the reaction is more common and stronger in mothers than other family members.

Medically it's an autonomic (subconscious automatic) reaction within the brain and is hardwired by evolution. The basic premis is that a mother who notices a missing child will involuntarily experience an adrenalin rush in preparation to defend young that might be at risk from a predator or at risk from some environmental hazard. It enables her to muster the strength and endurance to defend her young or go to its aid. A side affect of this reaction is aggression.

When the initial reaction wears off it can be replaced by a downer that appears as sadness, depression, bitterness, blame etc. Confronting the issue again if not handled properly often repeats this cycle.

In todays world that's not necessary for general separation but the event can trigger this anxiety to varying degrees. It's extremely hard for us to understand a strong negative reaction and we often class it as selfish, clingy etc. Anxiety is often worse when it's sudden and unexpected and especially when family have an expectation that you're always going to be relatively nearby.

Evolution has hard wired us to stay together in groups especially families. it's a mechanism designed to enhance survival through mutual support. Generally all members of a closely related family group will feel some level of anxiety even the person leaving.

There's no easy solution to this and time may see this anxiety diminish or disappear. I would suggest maybe getting advice from a psychologist/family counselor who is familiar with this problem and perhaps work out a strategy to minimise any adverse affects.

Good luck.

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

WOW! what can I say other than I wish you where all my rellies...

I love this site - it just really helps to know that there are others at this moment feeling/experiencing the same things. I can't thank you enough for your kind words. I know I'll get through it but I I really don't want our relationship to breakdown through the process and with only may be 4 months left I don't think it's going to get any easier. What's the ols addage - times a great healer. Well here's hoping......

Shelley:)

Re: Any tips for helping relatives come to terms with the big move
 

You have just described my life from approx. age of 12/13..... I know the reason why my mum is like she is - and she's done countless counselling courses in her job to know why she is like she is but the cycle hasn't and I don't envisage will ever change. her cup is always half empty where I wok bloddy hard to make sure mine is always half full.

One of the reasons I want to make the move - aside from all the major life changing stuff, is to break the cycle. I have three wonderful children and a fabulous oh who are my life and I need to step away from all the negativity. be free i suppose to be happy. I can't see me achieving that if we stay. I don't expect oz to be a miracle cure. I just want to start to enjoy life so that history doesn't repeat itself....