alilandeg

Hi everyone

Am feeling really bad as my 17 year old daughter will not move out to NZ with us. She has just finised sixth form and will be getting a full-time job until May 04 until she starts a 3 year nurse training course. We plan to go in January 04, but am having a guilt trip. She will be 18 when we go, but last nite she asked me not to go and wait until she has finished her nursing in 4 years time.

We will be buying a flat for her to live in rent free whilst she is studying which she will be sharing with the boyfriend ( the reason she won`t come). What should I do, does anyone have any advice for me. I really want to go to NZ and I want her to trainto be a nurse there and live with us, but no joy.

Her father died when she was 7 so he is not around to keep an eye on her, but my parents are and they are very close to her and will make sure she is ok, but its really hard when they get upset and ask you not to go.

Anyone been in the same situation and could give me some advice.

Allison

N.Finn Fan

I know British citizens can spend up to 6 months in NZ on a visa, without disruption.....Would it be possible that she could spend half the year with you, while based in Auckland, and she could spend the other half in the UK?

It must be difficult......Complete sympathy here.. Did you mention once that the majority of your family are New Zealand citizens? I can't imagine she'll want to feel that isolated, especially if most her family are based in NZ. Still young love causes problems. Good luck.

alilandeg

[Hi

Thanks for your reply, my daughter will not spent 6 hours away from the boyfriend let alone 6 months to spend with me in NZ. I am hoping and preying that they split up, he is a really nice guy but they are far to young.

My husbands whole family are all living in NZ and my daughter gets on very well with them but my husband is her step- dad so not really her biological family. She has agreed to come over (with the boyfriend) in January until she starts her nursing in May so I have some chance of trying to make her stay.

Its really a horrible situation to be in I love her dearly,but also really want to spend some time in NZ with husband and his family. Am I wrong to want to go?

Allison

mika24me

I understand why this is causing you grief. However your daughter is now an adult and is choosing to stay in the UK for her own reasons. Explain to her that you cannot stay in the UK for her reasons, but must go to NZ for your own.

You are not leaving her on her own. She will have her boyfriend and your parents. And make sure she knows that if she changes her mind she is welcome to join you.

Good luck

Mel

N.Finn Fan

If it's any consolation......I have the same problem, but in reverse, I wish to apply after qualifications gained, but mum does not want to go. Looks like I'll be going by myself....Hope it works out eventually.....The North Shore is nice this time of year, post with developments if chat required.

alilandeg

[Hi Mel

Thanks, I guess I know in my heart that I have to go to NZ and you are right I am not leaving her to fend for herself and I have told her that if at anytime she wants to come out to NZ for what every reason, I will have a ticket sent to her asap.

I guess its just nice to hear from others that I am not the heartless mother that I feel I am.

Allison

joh117

It is a difficult situation and I feel for you but your daughter will visit you I am sure and who knows may change her mind given time but each of us must live life for ourselves we only get one chance.

I have the other way though my mum knows she can't stop us and wouldn't try. When I rang her this morning to tell her we had the visa she did not sound pleased. It took a few minutes before the congratulations came through.

I will miss the family but these days with cheaper phone calls and the internet the world is a much smaller place and I am sure I will be in contact far more often than when I only live down the road

Jo

suz

Hi Allison,
I really do feel for you, our eldest is 15 and does not want to come with us to Oz, but she is still young enough to know that she is going whether she likes it or not (guilt) all I have said is that she must give it a go for 3 years. In your case obviously this is different, is there any way both her and her boyfriend can come out together with you as I am sure there will be opportunties for both of them in NZ and within the 6 months that they are there they will be able to tell whether it is something to consider, also if they are serious about each other, prices of houses to buy in NZ are far cheaper than the UK so they might be swayed in the future, but I agree they are both still very young to be thinking of buying houses etc...At the end of the day you have to think of yourselves, selfish though it might seem, you could decide to stay here in UK and the in a couple of years she could decide to go abroad herself, or even move to the otherside of the country, what then! I wish you all the best whatever your choice is, fate usually has a plan that is right for us in the end!

Suz

Badge

tell her she is the luckiest 17 year old alive..

1) she is about to live rent free in her own home
2) she has the option of coming and going to a beautiful country
3) and she has a choice - and is pretty much old enough to make it!!

at least she is not 15 and cannot really be left "alone"..

kids these days!!

badgers

alilandeg

[Hi Badgers

When you put it like that she really is quite lucky, but kids never see it like that.

What ever happens I will go anyway as it is my dream all I can do is support her in whatever she decides to do whether it be to come to NZ or stay here in the UK.

Allison

N.Finn Fan

Best wishes Allison, Pete (Neil "Funn Fan")

PS......How easy is it to take your parents with you?

alilandeg

[Hi Pete

Not sure about that, How old are you and would you want to take them with you, What course are you studying and when do you hope to go to NZ?

Allison

N.Finn Fan

I finish my tourism course next year, leading to a tourism HND, hopefully. All this will take around 3 years, including the essential work experience. I hope to emigrate within the next few years. If it were just a case of looking after myself that would be fine, but I would be extremely apprehensive about leaving mum in the UK. Am I a mad or simply rather eccentric? Seriously though I think the door in may be shut for mum, due to a cancer scare 8 years ago, any advice would be great.

scrawni

Our daughter is also 17, just left school and she doesn't want to go either!!! There seems to be quite a few of us in the same boat.

In fact she had her last exam last week so I decided to talk to her about it earlier and she said she still doubt she will go, she wants to finish her studies etc here and stay here and although she will miss us she thinks that we should go if thats what we want.

Talk about feeling guilty, I feel terrible but as she will nearly be 18 when we go then she may have flown the nest already. If she stays she will live with her grandparents. She has a boyfriend that she does not want to leave behind and said that when we went on our trip to oz she didn't find it that great anyway?!?


Most people I have spoken to tell me to go anyway, put her on the visa, get her to validate it then she has 2 years in which to make up her mind and finish her studies. I have also suggested that her and her boyfriend come out on a working holiday together. So many options. At the end of the day she is a teenager and she will do what she wants to do and not what we tell her to do!

Mandy

sofistek

I think that's a must. I don't know if Allison is in the position of having had a visa granted for her and her daughter but, if so, she should get her daughter to at least validate, so that she can return later. This probably needs to be checked as that I'm not sure if she'd be able to return every year for the three years of study, returning to the UK after a few weeks each time.

Mind you, a rent free flat sounds like it's been made so easy for Allison's daughter to stay that it's hardly surprising she wants to. Not that I blame Allison, I would probably want to do the same in her situation.