Nail FX

Well we have decided we are going to go for the visa and apply as soon as possible. Just feel now we have a spanner in the works so to speak. My daughter who will be 16 at Christmas has said she doesn't want to come (reason she won't fly). We have a 20 month old son too. Do we go without her? Would she be able to join us later if she changed her mind?

She is very close to her dad (my ex) and has regular contact. He has said she can go and stay with him and his family if she is adamant on staying in the UK, although he has told her she must be mad to miss out on such an opportunity. I know once we are gone she will regret not being with us as she has been with me and my hubby for 10 years now and it will be a massive upheaval for her in any case.

I am sure other people have come up against this hurdle, I would be interested in how you handled it.

toon williams

This hasn't happened to me regarding our move to Oz as my kids are alot younger!!

But I can remember being 15/16 just left school and thinking I knew what life was all about and my mother telling me we were moving from what had been the family home for 15 years to a new town about an hours drive away, and I felt like my whole world had come crashing down!! At that age you have formed friendships with people you have been to school with and feel that you will be friends for life, not necessarily the case as us older people know!! But kids at this age don't like change and like to stay with their familiar surroundings!!

My situation is obviously very different to yours but I can understand where your daughter is coming from, I didnt forgive my Mum for moving me away from my friends etc for about 4 years, but then I thanked her BIG time it was the best thing she could of done for me for numerous reasons.

My advice would be to sit and talk to her and find out exactly what her concerns are (I am sure that the fact you have left your message on here and you are concerned that you have probably done this already) but I would assume the flying thing is just a get out, try and find out her real issues, worries and try to help her deal with them. Explain that she can always come with you give it a shot and if she really hated it could come back to her dad. Show her information on the web, find other kids the same age as her that have moved to Oz and can tell her all about their lives now, maybe people on here with kids already in Oz can help you there?? Speaking to someone outside of your family is often a help!!

I am not sure that I could do as you suggest and leave her behind if she is adamant she doesn't want to go, she is still so young!!

Good luck in resolving your issue and I hope you both make the right decisions in the end!! How hard it is to be a parent!!

readytogo

If I was you I would leave her and let her come for a holiday if she wanted, its your dream not hers!, force her and she will hate the whole thing as well as blame you which will stress you all out

JAJ

I think you should first find out the real reason for her reluctance. Is it because she doesn't want to leave her father (which is a good reason if they're close).

If he's ok with it it would make sense for her to be included on your visa anyway as she can validate and then make up her mind what she wants to do. Options will be open. Otherwise you'd need to look at a Child visa (if she changed her mind later), which under current law is easy before age 18, hard afterwards.

Going to Australia doesn't mean she needs to lose contact with her father if they have a good relationship (she can spend holidays in the UK etc) and if she wants to come back after getting citizenship that option will also be open.

Jeremy

woodsey

If the real reason is flying there are plenty of things that can be done, get her booked on a fear of flying course, Virgin do a really good one.
If there are other issues which I suspect there are then try and find out what they are (obvious really) and talk about it as much as possible.
Get pictures, find out about school, colleges, career opportunities, things for young people to do, ask people on here if they have kids who would be willing to email her so they can share their experince, fears etc and get her involved with the whole thing, many people seem to just expect their kids to go without having being involved which is just asking for trouble.
Leaving her behind for me would not an option, if she is part of your family then she goes, simple as. It will be tough, I've just done it with an almost 14 year old and boy have we had some tough times but we're out the other end now. I also have a younger son, almost 3, he would have been distraught had his sister not been with us and how will you cope knowing you've left behind your daughter for a new life, I think you may have issues with it too and your new life may not go as well, its hard enough without leaving behind family members..
What are her plans for the future, is she planning on going to Uni? If so maybe delay your departure for another couple of years, if shes going to leave home anyway to go to University it won't feel like you're leaving her behind then..she'll be leaving you.

Good luck.

mandi248

I had the same problem as you. We actually went to Oz over Dec 2004, and my daughter (15 at the time) loved it and wanted to stay. Within a month of being back and being influenced by her best friend she decided that she didn't want to go anymore!! I did everything I could to talk her round but with no luck.
I told her that we would go for 2 years and then return to the UK for a holiday and if she didn't like Australia she could stay in the UK. She wasn't happy about this but agreed, if reluctantly! Anyway a few months down the line and having back all the video films we took while there she has now decided she does want to go and has even been looking at colleges there. I'm waiting for her to change her mind again!! they are so fickle at this age.
Don't know if this helps. Good luck I hope she changes her mind.
Mandi

banjo

When I was 15 my Mum informed me we were moving countries - it went down like a lead balloon and I hated almost every bit of the 3 years I was out of the country. A large part of it was probably because I was determined not to like it. My sister was 16 and refused to go.....until a month after we'd gone when she decided she missed us all too much. Of course everyone then had to jump through hoops to accommodate her.....

Why not include her in the application as it doesn't cost any extra. Make it clear that you want her to have the choice of where she wants to be, and just because she goes through the process with you doesn't mean you will force her to live here if it's not what she wants. BUT you don't want her to suddenly decide it's all too much without you once you've gone. Even if she comes out with you to validate the visa and then returns to the UK after a short holiday. She'll then have 4 (?) years to take up the option of returning. By then she'll be pushing 20 and her outlook will be enormously different and she may even be thankful of having the opportunity to travel round here and earn some money.

Hope it all works out for you whatever happens.

cranni

been there, worn the tshirt, here goes, my daughter was 17, and she did not want to come, would not go for medicals, so i took a chance.
It was so hard to leave her, what a gamble, anyway we came over 7/12/04. She and her older brother and partner came over xmas we bought them tickets , and they had a 3 week holiday, she was still being awkward, my son and partner loved it and are coming over in Dec, on a student visa.
But Michelle decided in June this year she wanted to be with us and was so upset which upset us all, she missed us all so much, so within 6 weeks i had her here on student visa, well as you can imagine it will cost me a fortune but i have now applied for residency for her,
So get her on your visa , dont make the same mistake as we did, tell here she does not have to stay here, but must just come out with you, then she has the choices. Let her know that she has a choice. good luck.
We took a gamble but it paid off. Denise

Fee

Hi, We are in the same boat although further down the line. Our 16yr old has decided he doesn't want to come with us, he was 15 when we started the process and he did want to come' then he changed his mind and said he won't come. He has even moved out of our house and is hardly speaking to us which is really upsetting. Our visas were granted at Christmas and he did still want to come then, so we booked our flights (we have 2 younger children who do want to go) Now he is saying he won't come not even to validate his visa. I have tried talking to him and offered to buy him a ticket back so he will at least have a choice but he is still set against it. Our flights are booked for the 6/10/05 and our visas need to be validated by the 18th so time is running out. It's so upsetting and frustrating, i do realise it's just his age but i don't know what to do. We are hoping he will change his mind at the last minute, fingers crossed.

Bix da Boss

Hi
From reading all the replies to your post, it seems as JAJ has said, would be a good idea to include her on your visa application just in case, like others, she changes her mind ! It would be easier to do it this way of course, less problems in the long run if she does decide to join you.

Our sons did not want to come 16 and 18 at the time, but they have been great since we have been here, just going with the flow - after all - they can do what they like in a few years time - they are not tied to Australia - but at least they have experienced something else in this big ol world

Take care

Nail FX

Thanks for your replies and advice. I have decided (and put it to her today!) that she will _have_ to come with us and the compromise would be, if she didnt or couldn't start to like it, she could come back to the UK in 6 months.

It went down like a lead balloon, but I feel I know her best and in the end she would end up love living out there. I even said her dad and his family could come and stay for a holiday so she could see them.

We have had sulks all day, mournful looks, but at least she has a long while yet to get used to the idea .. not even started to apply yet!