ononno

Just have to share this with you all, doing the rounds in Spain :

(tried to paste a pretty picture here, but that didn't work. Doh!)

Anyway, the picture was a of three merry little pigs building their house.
The primary school teacher was telling her class of small children the story of the three little pigs and the big bad wolf. She was at the bit where one of the little pigs met a man with a cart full of straw. The little pig says to the man 'good morning sir, could you please let me have some of your straw to build my house with?'
The teacher asks ' What do you all think the man with the straw replied?'

A six year old boy shoots up his hand without hesitation and and says
'#u#k me, a talking pig'.

The teacher had to leave the room.

HADENOUGHPIZZA

He wasn't wrong though was he !!

HADENOUGHPIZZA

could do with a glass right now ..

Garbatellamike

SO A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship
and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a
hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just
from bird shit

"It was my first day with the hook."

Garbatellamike

One for the golfers among us; however, don't read on if you are very religious


A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the ****in' putt, didn't you?

HADENOUGHPIZZA

love it !

Garbatellamike

Saw this and had to share it...

Garbatellamike

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey McGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further..

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

(You’re going to love this)


"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

duffer

LOL good one Mike!

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can f*** right off."

Garbatellamike

nice one centurion

Pecora Nera

Found on facebook..

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

ononno

Due to the hot summer in Ireland, there is a water shortage. Dublin baths have announced that due to the water shortage, they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

After a wild night of drink, drugs, and sex; Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he ealised he'd made it home safely.

After years of painstaking research, scientists have finally discovered what makes a woman happy - nothing.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

'Viagra' is now available in teabags. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuits from going soft.

Garbatellamike

Saw this and had to share it, the 2 Italians in my office agree with it too

ononno

Court reporters keeping straight faces -.
Lawyer : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness : He said 'where am I Cathy?'
Lawyer : And why did that upset you ? Witness : My name is Susan!

Lawyer : What gear were you in at the moment of impact ? Witness : Gucci sweater and Reeboks.

Lawyer : Are you sexually active ? Witness : No, I just lie there.

Lawyer : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th.? Witness : Yes. Lawyer : And what were you doing at that time? Witness : Getting laid!

I believe we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried -but they wanted cash.

jonwel

Karl Marx died and (obviously) went to hell. But after a couple of weeks he had all the demons organised in unions, they were going on strike and the fires were going out.
Satan was desperate and phoned up to heaven: "This guy Marx is causing all kinds of trouble and what use is heaven if hell doesn't work?"
"OK, send hom up here and we'll see what we can do with him".
So Satan sent him up and waited for news. A week passed by, a month, six months, still no news. After a year he phoned up:
"St Peter speaking"
"Hello, this is Satan, can I speak to God, please?"
"What do you mean?" said Peter, "God doesn't exist!"

A nun went to the Mother Superior and said, "I've decided to leave this convent".
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, can you tell me why?"
"Yes, I've decided to become a prostitute."
"Whaaaat!? Say that again!"
"I've decided to become a prostitute."
"Ah!" said the Mother Superior in relief, "I thought you said 'protestant'"