I Laughed So Much It Hurt
Feb 25th 2009, 11:44 am
#76
Forum Regular
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: London
Posts: 221
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand :
1. OTHER WOMEN
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand :
1. OTHER WOMEN
Feb 25th 2009, 4:00 pm
#77
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Cochin South India / UK
Posts: 151
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
This is not a funny story but I thought I would put it on this thread as it is still entertaining!!!
Some Interesting Presidential Coincidences
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House. (I Didn't know that)
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Some chilling coincidences there I feel
John
Some Interesting Presidential Coincidences
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House. (I Didn't know that)
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Some chilling coincidences there I feel
John
Feb 25th 2009, 4:54 pm
#78
I can't Re-Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Location: Back in the UK after 21 years away.
Posts: 781
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
This is not a funny story but I thought I would put it on this thread as it is still entertaining!!!
Some Interesting Presidential Coincidences
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House. (I Didn't know that)
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Some chilling coincidences there I feel
John
Some Interesting Presidential Coincidences
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House. (I Didn't know that)
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'.
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Some chilling coincidences there I feel
John
Feb 26th 2009, 10:10 am
#79
Forum Regular
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: London
Posts: 221
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mudhole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mudhole and ties some ropes around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mudhole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my dick and pull yourself up." The rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.
Feb 26th 2009, 10:33 am
#80
Account Closed
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Just outside of decency
Posts: 7,837
Feb 26th 2009, 4:27 pm
#81
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Cochin South India / UK
Posts: 151
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
Quote:
Originally Posted by John Chappell
ps hope nobody is offended
Quote:
Originally Posted by Optimus Prime
Only if theres a few women that post here that are 50 and have just had a facelift.
Better get ready for some stick mate.
Hi Optimus Prime,
Now why on Earth would you wish to associate me with your derogatory post, why should I get ready for some stick.
If I were you I would be wanting to “Transform” my “Autobot” outa here before any of our regular “Seasoned Ladies” read your post and come “Gunning”
We can all have a laugh on here at one another's expense without reverting to out right rudeness.
ps I hope I haven't offended YOU:curse:
John
Originally Posted by John Chappell
ps hope nobody is offended
Quote:
Originally Posted by Optimus Prime
Only if theres a few women that post here that are 50 and have just had a facelift.
Better get ready for some stick mate.
Hi Optimus Prime,
Now why on Earth would you wish to associate me with your derogatory post, why should I get ready for some stick.
If I were you I would be wanting to “Transform” my “Autobot” outa here before any of our regular “Seasoned Ladies” read your post and come “Gunning”
We can all have a laugh on here at one another's expense without reverting to out right rudeness.
ps I hope I haven't offended YOU:curse:
John
Feb 26th 2009, 4:42 pm
#82
I can't Re-Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Location: Back in the UK after 21 years away.
Posts: 781
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
Thanks Optimus.
Feb 26th 2009, 6:26 pm
#83
Forum Regular
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: London
Posts: 221
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
I am sure there are a few women of 50 or over. I am one of them. I have not had a facelift yet, I can't afford one. So, for the time being myself and my fallen face will continue to laugh at John's jokes, in the hopes, of course, that all that laughter will lift our sagging faces from the floor. If you would like to start a financial donation towards my facelift account I would be very happy.
Thanks Optimus.
Thanks Optimus.
Feb 26th 2009, 9:10 pm
#84
Forum Regular
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 266
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
I am sure there are a few women of 50 or over. I am one of them. I have not had a facelift yet, I can't afford one. So, for the time being myself and my fallen face will continue to laugh at John's jokes, in the hopes, of course, that all that laughter will lift our sagging faces from the floor. If you would like to start a financial donation towards my facelift account I would be very happy.
Thanks Optimus.
Thanks Optimus.
Feb 27th 2009, 10:43 am
#85
Joined: May 2007
Location: Noni the Indian Goan Beach Mulberry
Posts: 8,227
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
Optimus Prime - you are welcome on the Goa site, but please do not start causing trouble.
This is a fun thread.
All the ladies on here are gorgeous even those over 60. carrying the Goa Property burden on their shoulders. 
Feb 27th 2009, 10:46 am
#86
Joined: May 2007
Location: Noni the Indian Goan Beach Mulberry
Posts: 8,227
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
OK John, Daff, Highspeedgrandma, Powerhouse have my beady eye on him.
Feb 27th 2009, 3:34 pm
#87
Forum Regular
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: London
Posts: 221
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
A man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
"And how did you sin my son?"
"Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
"That's not too bad". says the priest
"Will I be banned from the church Father?"
The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
"Well they banned us from Tescos".
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
"And how did you sin my son?"
"Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
"That's not too bad". says the priest
"Will I be banned from the church Father?"
The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
"Well they banned us from Tescos".
Feb 27th 2009, 3:35 pm
#88
Account Closed
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Just outside of decency
Posts: 7,837
Feb 27th 2009, 4:03 pm
#89
Forum Regular
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: London
Posts: 221
Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
A young lady goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Feb 27th 2009, 4:47 pm
#90
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Cochin South India / UK
Posts: 151