I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

I read this little piece yesterday and laughed so much it hurt !! Knowing how much the regulars like a good story and a laugh, I thought I should share it with you all.

Regards to all

John

An approaching occasion was our 25th Wedding anniversary and I was looking for a novel and interesting present for my dear wife.

Last weekend on a day trip to Calais for 'supplies' I saw something in one of those bloke-toy shops that sparked my interest. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Sounds perfect, right ?

To cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Impressive !

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Ann what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

So there I was, home alone, with this new toy, Thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only AAA batteries, right ? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and tee shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and the mini-Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would "shock and disorient your assailant"; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. "Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries".

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two 'ickle AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, you plonker !' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny thing couldn't hurt all that badly. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . BANG ! CRACKLE !

I'm pretty sure Giant Haystacks ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and major tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was an abstract thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure as my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my now-departed hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it !

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid'. :wub::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Thanks for that John.
I had an absolutely crap day at work and came home like a bear with a sore head. But that has a lifted now:thumbsup: and I have this vision in my head of your poor cat thinking I know my master is mad but bloody hell he's completely lost it!!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Great story John !:thumbsup:

Mitzy how about keeping this thread open for some jokes/stories to keep us ALL GOING through these bad times ?

Obviously no direct filth, swearing or racism !

Any thoughts ?

K-C

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Shouldn`t laugh at your suffering but hahahahahahaha, that was funny, thanks for sharing :thumbsup:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Great story = there have been some really rude jokes in the Herald shall we print them on here. under Lafs.

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Hi all,

I thought you might like this one !!!

John

This Is Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

Q1.
My Husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A1.
Obviously your Husband cannot get enough of you!! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform Oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q2.
My Husband continually asks me to perform Oral Sex on him.

A2.
Do it. Semen can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer for you to perform Oral Sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q3.
My Husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A3.
This is a perfectly natural behaviour and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too) Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform Oral Sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q4.
My Husband does not know where my Clitoris is.

A4.
Your Clitoris is of no concern to your Husband. If you must mess with it then do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape it while doing this, and present it to your Husband as a Birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform Oral Sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q5.
My Husband is uninterested in Foreplay.

A5.
You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your Husband on demand with no pesky requests for Foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing Oral Sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Q6.
My Husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A6.
I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
:wub::D

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Here's another one to keep the regulars amused ( I hope) !!!

John

The London Banker

A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a
lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the
car door, zooming off without stopping.
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche!
My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel
beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh SHIT!' he screams... Where's
my Rolex????...' :rofl::lol::p:rofl:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

John - brilliant! I've put a link from Spain's Siesta Time lest the others don't stray east of the med......;)

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

not all AAA batteries are used for slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again:rofl::rofl:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

I just found this. Hilarious. I love stuff like this, ie people hurting themselves, it just tickle's my funny bone. I am the worst offender too, for hurting myself..and I don't mind people laughing, I don't feel quite so stupid then.
Thanks for posting that story. More please.
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

fionamw - don't be sending that Rugby Matt over here - please :rofl:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Don't fret; I believe he's from Norfolk so his navigational skills past Wisbech or Long Stratton may be a bit limited:rofl:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Thanks for the link Fiona :thumbsup: Very funny story :rofl:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Supermarket Scam

This is serious. Please BEWARE! Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco in Stafford. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also January 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend, so Be Warned!

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £2.99 each.

Regards to all

John :rofl::p:D:lol::rofl:

Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt
 

Love it..keep 'em coming...; )