feelbritish

Now it is my turn to have a crises I found OH awake in early hours this morning and I know he has been very depressed lately by numerous things, house won't sell and we know we have to reduce it; his daughters in UK are not "speaking" to him and things are going from bad to worse with them and he feels that he has lost them; he does not like change at all; is worried about future financial needs and retiring; his job is beginning to get him down and his health is not too good either! I had to sit with him and take each one step by step, this is at 3am! I could not do much else because I could not sleep either! The long and the short of it is that he does not want to go back really to UK! I have always known this and he is going for me! He is trying to please me but do I want this relationship to be one sided? I want him to be as enthusiastic as me! However, now I am wondering if it is really what I want too or when I get there after this huge immigration problems etc will we not be happy? Or is it that I am just tired of my job, this house and lonely that I think by moving to UK it will be better? I have suggested counselling for him but he does not want it, perhaps I should suggest we both go and speak to someone? Last Night I had suggested that instead of rushing off as soon as we have sold, I will consider staying here another 7 years then we will have the mandatory 20 years to get pensions paid in UK. I am not sure about buying again here, and renting is too expensive when we have a house already in UK but that house is and has always been for the last 13 years our investment and pension income! Our tenants have indicated they want to renew for another year from Oct. I drove around an area I may like to move to this morning trying to be positive but now the reality has hit and I am gutted! We can't move back now until next year October anyway so I guess a lot can happen. My mom, bless her, says to take life a day at a time and not make plans so far in advance. We do live in a beautiful place, it is extremely safe (if not a bit boring) and once I have packed up work in October I can be my own person and enjoy myself while OH is still working! Whew confusion reigns!

between two worlds

Oh dear feelbritish, heart goes out to you. You think about suggesting that you both go and speak to someone about this dilemma, I agree, that might help, and a third party (preferably an experienced counsellor) can often act as a buffer and allow both parties to really open up.

Confusion reigns indeed.....and it's so typical of couples in this situation, you are not alone as you know just from this thread. I do hope you manage to sort out both your feelings,to the happiness of both. Sounds as if you have said yes to your UK tenants, if you can't move back till Oct 2015 as you say? Well at least that gives you time to sort it all out a bit more.

good luck.

beachgal21

I'm a fine one to give advice Feelbritish considering the mess I'm in, but what I will say is be very careful about saying you'll stay where you are, until you're absolutely certain that you can cope with giving up your dream of moving home. You're entitled to happiness too, so take this 12 months to really think about what you yourself want for the future. Good luck, I feel for you xx

EnglishLass

Oh, feelbritish, I’m sorry your situation is such a mess. I do feel for you, and it must be awful for your OH to be feeling so depressed.

I too would think talking with an independent counsellor would help you both to work out what you really want.

Good luck - I hope you can find a solution you're both happy with.

pippalonghorn

Oh feelbritish I'm really sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I am a qualified counsellor and would say that you are both doing the right thing by talking openly to one another (even if it is 3am!). It is very important that you are honest with each other and keep those lines of communication open.

Counselling may help but I wouldn't normally suggest that unless you were at logger heads with each other or the communication had broken down already. You both seem as if you can see each other's point of view and can accept what each other needs and wants. That sounds like a good solid foundation to me. Keep on talking, being honest and open with each other. This may actually plan your next fees years out automatically for you both.

I am always here if you need any advice, just message me anytime. I'm in the UK so may take a few hours to respond.

feelbritish

Thanks for the wishes, support and advice!

This morning over our cup of tea (he had to go to work late shift) he said to me we will probably end up in UK sometime! I decided to ask him pertinent questions, try to home in on what is bothering him! Me: "you don't like change do you",
him: "no";
me: it is more the change that is bothering you than where we end up?
him: yes, I am worried we maybe making a mistake!
me: is it your impending retirement May next year?
him: yes, when I walk out on that last day, then what? I have only worked at 5 places in my life since age 15 and every time I had to leave it was like a dread!
me: would you feel better if we did this in stages? like instead of retireing full time in May next year, you go part time for a year? We have to sell this house anyway, it was always in the plan, would you feel better if we sold this, rent for a year and in May you go part time? Then we see how we feel after that?
him: I think so, I am just so worried we do the wrong thing!

Now I am I guess a bit like "Mrs Bucket" and him Richard! I am an organiser, make a plan and if it does not work out, geez, just try something else! He seems to always be wanting my advice but then gets annoyed with me and calls me Hyacinth when I take over

So to any other ladies who are having trouble with their OH and the reluctance it may be that they also do not like change!

So now, I pull back on going next year when sell (which I hope we do) and rather stay an extra year or two to really make sure we are doing the right thing! I feel much better today! Still have to sell our house though!

cheers

Is it Pallen who sings "always look on the bright side"

Monty Python - Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life Lyrics | MetroLyrics

feelbritish

My OH's favourite Monty Python song - will have to play it to him tonight! Now I am going to have it going around in my head all day while I do my housework!

carolina212

I guess it's sensible to approach change step by step rather than think of it as in terms of complete victory or failure. Some lifestyle changes have a bit of both -- sometimes something's done right, there's luck, and then there are two steps forward, one step back. I'd rather live knowing I tried and failed at whatever than look back in regret xx

J.JsOH

My wife would probably tell the story that all she could get out of me was that we will up sticks and go back 'when the time is right'.
I was happy in my work, being paid double the UK rate, as was she, we had a nice life. I couldn't see why we should disrupt a settled life this year when we could just as easily do it next year or 'when the time is right'. It's not like we couldn't jump on a plane and be in UK in 8 hrs if we needed a 'Brit Fix', UK is still there right? What's the rush.

It was a pending forced job relocation that made it 'the right time'. Once that came then I put all effort into prep for moving back and 7 months later we were here. That wasn't our ideal plan, we had expected to spend more time in US and get in some more travel to places we had not been. But the house sold right away and I was offered a job transfer to UK so circumstances out of our control made it 'the right tiime'.

Did it work out OK, yes. Do I regret coming back - well regret isn't the word, I had a great time in US and didn't really want to leave but times they were a-changing and with retirement on the doorstep anyway I acknowledge we came back for valid reasons, that the 'time was right'. Nothing has gone really wrong since we came back, the challenge was a changed me settling into a socially changed Britain.

feelbritish

J.J'sOH you have a valid point and thank you for adding your experiences. When the "time is right" and it must be right for both of us. Yes, baby steps. Since we had this "chat" this morning he came in for lunch and is galvanised now to sell this house, making me phone the Realtor and to set up an appointment with her. I have never seen him so motivated! And forceful!

BEVS

I've got one of those FeelBritish.

Try to have a decent discussion about our future and he slides off. Most I get is that he knows we will move in the future . The ultimate in pointless, useless non-anything.

I just want a proper discussion about where we both see our next ten years going & how we will achieve that.

Can I get that? Bah !

Snap Shot

Put the house on the market without him knowing just to see the look on his face when he sees the, 'For Sale' sign !!!!

BEVS

Similar thoughts lurk in the darker edges of my mind.

spouse of scouse

I wish I could give everyone who feels stuck a big hug

I can't give any advice on what to do when one partner wants to move home and the other doesn't, I haven't been in that situation and I'm buggered if I know how I'd handle something so very difficult.

I can say something to anyone who is in a abusive, controlling relationship though. That was me, all 32 years of it. Kicked and punched from pillar to post, unable to go out with friends, I worked and raised the kids while he lay on the couch, huge dramas whenever we had to attend something at my family's. I'm still trying to understand how I allowed myself to get into that situation, and why I didn't escape sooner. Getting there with that though

Sorry, I'll get to the point. Controlling partners are very clever. They have a way of twisting your words, of reinventing history, of absolving themselves of any 'blame' - so in the end not only do they tell you that it's all your fault, what's worse is that you begin to believe that. This isn't just true for physically controlling and abusive partners - psychological and social control/abuse damages you as well.

If you wake up in the mornings and wish you hadn't, if you try to look ahead towards something better and realise that if things stay as they are, then there isn't anything better - if you've tried and tried, if life's lost all its joy, if you're constantly giving in and getting absolutely nothing back - then save yourself and leave.

I took a suitcase of clothes and photographs of my (adult) children. I got the hell out of there and swore off men for life! I started doing all sorts of things that I'd never done in my adult life (I married at 17). I found myself doing mad things, like singing at the top of my voice while driving, and not caring who saw. But the best thing was that I was in control again.

Then I met Scouse - so much for swearing off men A dearer, kinder person has never lived.

Sorry about that, I did go on a bit. I just feel so passionately that in this one life we get, we not only deserve to be happy, we owe it to ourselves to be happy. Wishing everyone who feels stuck courage, happiness and a fantastic future.