struggling to settle
#16
Re: struggling to settle
I am not claiming to have thought things through and I think that generally when people say they are moving "for the children" it is so that they, the parents, can have more gadgets which will somehow incidentally benefit the kids. Nonetheless, I have children, they have cousins and so I have a base of comparison. My children were better off for their parents having emigrated; they are girls and all of them finished high school without getting banged up.
#17
Re: struggling to settle
. But in hindsight (or foresight as may be the case) I wish we had put as much effort into living our life to the full back home with all the means we had, instead of procrastinating and 'dreaming' of a better one. I knew this before we left. I know this even more so now.
BEVS
New Zealand the past 13 yrs.
#18
Re: struggling to settle
I am not claiming to have thought things through and I think that generally when people say they are moving "for the children" it is so that they, the parents, can have more gadgets which will somehow incidentally benefit the kids. Nonetheless, I have children, they have cousins and so I have a base of comparison. My children were better off for their parents having emigrated; they are girls and all of them finished high school without getting banged up.
#19
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2011
Location: Peterborough; ON
Posts: 200
Re: struggling to settle
I'm approaching the 5-year mark and it occurred to me recently that this has felt like "home" for a while now and, on my last couple of visits to the UK, I felt some reverse culture-shock and found myself missing this place (not least the sunshine).
Stick with it and I'm sure it will improve for you. I can't say I envy your 5am commutes in the GTA but Canada is not just the GTA. Are you truly tied to this regime in terms of your job?
#20
Re: struggling to settle
Knocked up might have been better there than banged up. I meant that, by comparison with their cousins in the UK, they've been blessed in managing not to reproduce during their teenaged years.
Last edited by dbd33; Feb 20th 2017 at 11:55 pm.
#21
BE user by choice
Joined: Oct 2010
Location: A Briton, married to a Canadian, now in Fredericton.
Posts: 4,854
Re: struggling to settle
I lived in a couple of countries where I 'ended up' and lived and worked happily for a few years. Moving to Canada was altogether different. I have a Canadian husband and child. The pressure is on...my child is doing well and is happy but my husband is turning into a Canadian, I fear - 25 years out of his country of birth had knocked the edges off him - but he said, "I want to go home", so we did.
I am not unhappy. I have an adequate existence and am doing well by others standards - but my yardstick is purely mine. I will never settle here (and I got my Citizenship today) but that gives me the freedom to go and come, somewhat more frequently and with more ease, than I had until now.
Other than your children, what led you and your wife to come here in the first place? What were you hoping for? Other than the children did you find it?
It's easy to sometimes see the future in rosy spectacles, but unfortunately even easier to see the same recent past in the same way on bad days.
Very best of luck
I am not unhappy. I have an adequate existence and am doing well by others standards - but my yardstick is purely mine. I will never settle here (and I got my Citizenship today) but that gives me the freedom to go and come, somewhat more frequently and with more ease, than I had until now.
Other than your children, what led you and your wife to come here in the first place? What were you hoping for? Other than the children did you find it?
It's easy to sometimes see the future in rosy spectacles, but unfortunately even easier to see the same recent past in the same way on bad days.
Very best of luck
#22
Re: struggling to settle
I lived in a couple of countries where I 'ended up' and lived and worked happily for a few years. Moving to Canada was altogether different. I have a Canadian husband and child. The pressure is on...my child is doing well and is happy but my husband is turning into a Canadian, I fear - 25 years out of his country of birth had knocked the edges off him - but he said, "I want to go home", so we did.
I am not unhappy. I have an adequate existence and am doing well by others standards - but my yardstick is purely mine. I will never settle here (and I got my Citizenship today) but that gives me the freedom to go and come, somewhat more frequently and with more ease, than I had until now.
Other than your children, what led you and your wife to come here in the first place? What were you hoping for? Other than the children did you find it?
It's easy to sometimes see the future in rosy spectacles, but unfortunately even easier to see the same recent past in the same way on bad days.
Very best of luck
I am not unhappy. I have an adequate existence and am doing well by others standards - but my yardstick is purely mine. I will never settle here (and I got my Citizenship today) but that gives me the freedom to go and come, somewhat more frequently and with more ease, than I had until now.
Other than your children, what led you and your wife to come here in the first place? What were you hoping for? Other than the children did you find it?
It's easy to sometimes see the future in rosy spectacles, but unfortunately even easier to see the same recent past in the same way on bad days.
Very best of luck
#23
Re: struggling to settle
Nail on the head. I too have used those exact words. Life is what you make it yes. And yes we could ultimatley have a better situation than we are in now i.e. buy instead of renting a house, better jobs etc. But in hindsight (or foresight as may be the case) I wish we had put as much effort into living our life to the full back home with all the means we had, instead of procrastinating and 'dreaming' of a better one. I knew this before we left. I know this even more so now.
The thing is - if you had not have moved here, you'd always be wondering 'what if...' and you've had least experienced another culture that you otherwise would not have done. You can't go through life making the perfect choices every time.
#24
Banned
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: SW Ontario
Posts: 19,879
Re: struggling to settle
I lived in a couple of countries where I 'ended up' and lived and worked happily for a few years. Moving to Canada was altogether different. I have a Canadian husband and child. The pressure is on...my child is doing well and is happy but my husband is turning into a Canadian, I fear - 25 years out of his country of birth had knocked the edges off him - but he said, "I want to go home", so we did.
I am not unhappy. I have an adequate existence and am doing well by others standards - but my yardstick is purely mine. I will never settle here (and I got my Citizenship today) but that gives me the freedom to go and come, somewhat more frequently and with more ease, than I had until now.
Other than your children, what led you and your wife to come here in the first place? What were you hoping for? Other than the children did you find it?
It's easy to sometimes see the future in rosy spectacles, but unfortunately even easier to see the same recent past in the same way on bad days.
Very best of luck
I am not unhappy. I have an adequate existence and am doing well by others standards - but my yardstick is purely mine. I will never settle here (and I got my Citizenship today) but that gives me the freedom to go and come, somewhat more frequently and with more ease, than I had until now.
Other than your children, what led you and your wife to come here in the first place? What were you hoping for? Other than the children did you find it?
It's easy to sometimes see the future in rosy spectacles, but unfortunately even easier to see the same recent past in the same way on bad days.
Very best of luck
Been here nearly 9 months. Yes not that long. But feels long when not feeling settled. Gave up everything anyone needs in life back home to try 'the dream'. Sought after career, modest home in nice enough area, financial security, good work / life balance etc. Currently pursuing the same here in Ontario granted under a more blue sky at times. But without established friendships, family support. So will here ever feel like home? Does that niggling feeling of being unconnected ever go away? Do I have the wrong attitude and am negative and looking back , comparing, being nostalgic? Or do I have early insight to what others can realise years down the line, scratch the surface and its the same bull#hit in life, just a different backdrop
I personally think 9 months is too soon to make a decision, but I would definitely investigate the possiblity of moving elsewhere, somewhere where you can spend more time at home or doing fun things and less time stuck in traffic and paying high rent!
One thing I would say though is you need to stop comparing one country to the other - it doesn't help a bit.
I was fortunate, I felt at home here from the 1st day of the 1st visit and have felt the same ever since.. but for others it takes time. Don't beat yourself up over it, see if there are changes you can make to improve it! (and yes, how you feel counts too - don't forget that).
#25
Re: struggling to settle
My 2c is that if you are really, truly unhappy somewhere after 9 months then cut your losses and go where you will be. Yes, you may have a nice house, you may have kids who do well in school, a happy wife. But I can testify that being in another country can be very isolating when you need family. In the past 3 years while I have been living in Australia I have got divorced, been demoted with the accompanying $15k pay cut, had my youngest child commit suicide and had to put my mother in a nursing home. Let me tell you that there is nothing I needed more during any of those times than to be near my sisters and brothers.
My new partner and I have applied for a visa for him to come live with me back home in Canada, but now it looks like I might need to put that on hold. My ex husband is moving 5 hours flight away and if I move to Canada that would leave my daughter alone here.
My new partner and I have applied for a visa for him to come live with me back home in Canada, but now it looks like I might need to put that on hold. My ex husband is moving 5 hours flight away and if I move to Canada that would leave my daughter alone here.
#28
Account Closed
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 0
Re: struggling to settle
I'd lean towards 9 months not being enough time, but then at the same time looking back, had I bounced out of Canada at the 9 month mark things may have turned out differently.
At the end of the day only you can decide what to do, some find they adapt quickly, others take a year or 2, some never do, hard to predict which category you will fall into.
At the end of the day only you can decide what to do, some find they adapt quickly, others take a year or 2, some never do, hard to predict which category you will fall into.
#29
Re: struggling to settle
I don't think 9 months is enough time.
It sounds like you are going through Stage 2 which is culture shock. Like this (which is written for Canadian expats but the same applies to us lot here):
https://travel.gc.ca/travelling/livi.../culture-shock
I've only just started to feel settled and it's been more than 5 years (but I'm quite old). I still miss London with real pangs (I had one of those moments just yesterday). But when I do go back (it's less and less), I feel weird: like I know the place really well (obviously) but that I don't feel part of it. I don't even like Walkers Crisps as much as I used to. I don't compare prices and processes nearly as much as I used to either, even when I have to file the dreaded Canadian tax return ("Why do I have to waste my time doing this? Why can't it all be PAYE, net payments etc. like it is in the UK?").
It sounds like you are going through Stage 2 which is culture shock. Like this (which is written for Canadian expats but the same applies to us lot here):
https://travel.gc.ca/travelling/livi.../culture-shock
I've only just started to feel settled and it's been more than 5 years (but I'm quite old). I still miss London with real pangs (I had one of those moments just yesterday). But when I do go back (it's less and less), I feel weird: like I know the place really well (obviously) but that I don't feel part of it. I don't even like Walkers Crisps as much as I used to. I don't compare prices and processes nearly as much as I used to either, even when I have to file the dreaded Canadian tax return ("Why do I have to waste my time doing this? Why can't it all be PAYE, net payments etc. like it is in the UK?").
Last edited by Snowy560; Feb 21st 2017 at 4:00 am.
#30
Banned
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: SW Ontario
Posts: 19,879
Re: struggling to settle
I don't think 9 months is enough time.
It sounds like you are going through Stage 2 which is culture shock. Like this (which is written for Canadian expats but the same applies to us lot here):
https://travel.gc.ca/travelling/livi.../culture-shock
I've only just started to feel settled and it's been more than 5 years (but I'm quite old). I still miss London with real pangs (I had one of those moments just yesterday). But when I do go back (it's less and less), I feel weird: like I know the place really well (obviously) but that I don't feel part of it. I don't even like Walkers Crisps as much as I used to. I don't compare prices and processes nearly as much as I used to either, even when I have to file the dreaded Canadian tax return ("Why do I have to waste my time doing this? Why can't it all be PAYE, net payments etc. like it is in the UK?").
It sounds like you are going through Stage 2 which is culture shock. Like this (which is written for Canadian expats but the same applies to us lot here):
https://travel.gc.ca/travelling/livi.../culture-shock
I've only just started to feel settled and it's been more than 5 years (but I'm quite old). I still miss London with real pangs (I had one of those moments just yesterday). But when I do go back (it's less and less), I feel weird: like I know the place really well (obviously) but that I don't feel part of it. I don't even like Walkers Crisps as much as I used to. I don't compare prices and processes nearly as much as I used to either, even when I have to file the dreaded Canadian tax return ("Why do I have to waste my time doing this? Why can't it all be PAYE, net payments etc. like it is in the UK?").
Culture Shock-Canada : British Expat Wiki
and another useful one http://britishexpats.com/wiki/When_t...rong_in_Canada
Last edited by Siouxie; Feb 21st 2017 at 4:10 am.