Dreamy

You must be bleeding miniscule if you need 12 cans to make it bigger..

scottishcelts

there is that, of course.

TakenThePlunge

What do you call a deer in heat with no eyes and no legs?

**** me, I've still no idea.

soapy©

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

johnnyyt

NOAH


In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in Australia, and said:
Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flash before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
You have 6 months to build the Ark before
I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down
and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah,
'but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws
by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted
for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.

I told them that the sea would be coming to us,
but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that
I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodations were too restrictive,
and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the
residential status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No point,' said the Lord

'The government beat me to it.


Johnnyyt

Wol

>>'The government beat me to it<<

I like it - so very true!

Wol

This one is more of an instruction than a joke:



Never...














NEVER...........











EVER!!.................................











Fart in a wetsuit.

scottishcelts

Paula31

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack
Schitt?We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts,
you can now respond in an intellectual way.Jack Schitt is
the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack
Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip
Schitt..Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt
married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.


After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and
because her kids were living with them, she wanted to
keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda
Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous
disposition named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva
Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.


The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned from Italy with his new
Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You
don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt

Wol

kporte

Bernie and Polly were driving down the street in a sweat because they had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven Bernie said,"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and me and Polly will give up drinking!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Bernie looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

kporte

Whilst driving along the other day, I thought I saw irish pop legend Van Morrison in my rear view mirror.

What a fool I felt when I remembered that things get reversed in mirrors. It was actually a Morrison's van.

kporte

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

kporte

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

kporte

A scientist wants to reduce my body temperature to minus 273 degrees Celsius.

My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K.