Emma M

I'm not sure if this is going to turn into a rant, vent, need for advice or whatever, I just need to get this out of my system amongst people I hope might understand and not take me for an ungrateful you-know-what.

So we finally moved here in September. So far, let me tell you, it's far from what I thought it would be. Firstly let me tell you what my husband's parents said they would be prepared to do for us, because that was a major part of why we agreed to this.

They had said that we could live with them for as long as we needed and they would help with all finances until we could get on our feet. My husband's dad is my joint sponsor, so I had no problem believing that he would help us out.
They said that once my husband found work, they would get another car seat for their car so they could help my son and I with going places (I don't drive yet) and they were going to help me get driving, also they were going to look after our son full time so we could both work and get on our feet faster as childcare is so expensive.

Well now for the rant. Sorry but it's been held in for months and I could scream.
I probably have less freedom than a convict, I am pig SICK of their damn basement and we have to stay down here even though they "say" we have run of the house (but that's not entirely true, my husband's dad is an abusive alcoholic, his daughter's words not mine, and I don't want my son around him as he has shaken him and shouted in his face more than once, I didn't know this of him before moving and if I had, it would have been a dealbreaker), it's cold, I am sick of the snow, I can't get out and GO anywhere because I can't drive and it's way too cold to walk (last time I tried that my son got frostbite), my husband has had on and off jobs but nothing stable yet, his parents have backtracked on a LOT, they won't look after our son because he is "rambunktuous" (what do they expect, he is 2?) so I can't work, we need their financial help for groceries etc. but instead of that they expect us to eat things that are out of date and then get annoyed at us when we point out that it's past its date, I'm worried about my son's nutrition because of the bad stuff he is expected to eat (there's not much fresh fruit or veg to be had), anything my husband does earn gets swallowed up on gas for his car so that he can go to work to pay his parents back for the car, so we can't get straight anyway. I just don't know what to do.

And sorry, but they aren't my type of people at all. I've tried getting on with them but they like to belittle us all the time. They are strict Republican Christians, and we are liberal Pagans. Yeah you couldn't make it up, could you. I didn't know that that would be such a major issue but it is, because they like to bully and belittle even though we had all made a pact before moving here that there was to be NO discussion on politics or religion because of our vast differences and we all agreed, but my husband's dad can't resist putting the boot in all the time.

I'm anxious, stressed, trapped, upset, just don't know what to do anymore. We had had it great in comparison, in NC back in 2008, then I had to move back to the UK for personal reasons, then we've tried all this time to get back to the US, and then we get back to all this!!

We have been here for just over 6 months now, and I just feel like every aspect of our lives has been taken over by this situation that's not a great one at all. I wish we hadn't made this move. Granted, we had it bad in the UK because of unemployment which was why we came back here, but we came here on a promise by my husband's parents and I had no reason to not trust them.

Englishtart

Hi
Sorry to hear about your situation, i'm sure it must be pretty stressful.

You obviously have access to the internet, have you tried searching for "Mommy/toddler' groups in your area? Do some research on 'citydata.com' and try making some contacts in your area, if you can find another Expat or someone else that is looking for friends in the area, you might be able to get out of the house a bit more.

See if you can find a local foodbank in the area, you may be able to get some more nutritional food for your Son?

Hope things start to get better for you.
huggies Kim x

Emma M

Hi Kim, thanks for your reply.

Yes I have looked around for mother and baby groups, but they are all quite far and I couldn't get to them without the use of a car or public transport, both of which I don't have access to. The only group I can get to is on a Wednesday morning, which I had been going to but I'll have to wait for the snow to clear before I can walk there again.

Having the freedom to just get out and walk, or use the bus, those things I took for granted in the UK. It's not helping us to adjust in any way. I do have some regrets, not about the US but the way in which we've found ourselves here.

Tegwyn

Million $$ question is how does your husband feel about this? Does he share your feelings about his parents or are you dealing with this alone. He surely had some idea what he was coming back to as they did raise him. Your FIL's behaviour is very concerning.

WEBlue

Oh boy, I feel for you, Emma. Living with relatives is the absolute PITS! They promise everything will be OK, then when you move in they can't deal with the reality of more people in the house and you find it constricting and frustrating to live in someone else's house...and it can gradually decend into pure Hell.

We lived with American parents for 3 months, the longest three months of my life. They tried, they really did, but it was very very uncomfortable, with lots of friction. At least you have a basement to hide out in (I hope it's warm enough, though); the husband & I were cooped up in a tiny bedroom cluttered with other family members' stuff all over.

There was no way to walk anywhere, no public transport, the essential town facilities were all spread out, and the two of us had to share a borrowed car. We tried to share cooking meals & housecleaning but in the course of day-to-day life we all got so irritated with each other that it was a MAJOR relief to everyone when we finally moved out into our own rental place.

I don't have much advice, but I wanted to commiserate. If you can survive this unusually long & horrible winter & wait till the weather warms, you & your child should at least be able to get out in the sunshine.

Poppy girl

Hey Girl long time no see .......are you claiming benefits to the max I mean for food stamps etc sure you must be intitled to them and that might help with the food situation and many other issues!!
Just a thought!

Emma M

Yes he feels exactly the same. We just don't know what to do. He didn't know his dad was quite as bad as he is. That's what he's told me.

Noorah101

Can you move back to the UK? Is your husband a UK citizen? I know you came for the employment opportunities, but since it doesn't seem much better in the USA (plus the stress of the family situation), maybe it would be best to just move back?

Rene

Emma M

Yep, this is us right now without a doubt. Also, my husband's mum must have thought that this was going to be all Brady Bunch or something, she insists on cooking each and every meal, which she doesn't do well, it's awful I cannot stand what she cooks, she's not the most hygenic person in the kitchen, and we keep getting ill from her food!

No, it's freezing cold in the basement. We have 2 little heaters to try and stay warm down here. All of their stuff is around us and they come down here all the time and start getting into all of our things, so we have to keep all of our things in the bedroom, which is also cluttered up with their things. They had the best part of a year to make room for us but didn't bother, it's not like they didn't have room upstairs for their stuff and it wasn't like they didn't offer to make room because they said they were going to, they just didn't.

Yes exactly, you know exactly where I'm coming from hun. I'm home with them all the time although I wouldn't know it, they just ignore me half the time anyway, and the times I do speak to them they cut me off halfway through what I'm saying, invalidate me, just basically treat me like crap. It's not personal, they do the same to my husband as well. So I stay downstairs unless I'm making my son and I some breakfast or lunch, counting down the hours until my husband gets home from his job, and praying he doesn't lose this job like he did his last job, due to too many days off sick (because of his mother's foul cooking).

That's ok, thank you very much for at least making me feel less alone.

Hi Poppy Girl hun, yeah long time no see! No, not claiming anything, because I didn't think I was able to, and now my husband is working I don't think we're going to be eligible.

Emma M

Hi Rene,
That's not an option now because we couldn't afford for my husband's IRL, it was between us moving here or filing for his indefinite leave in the UK, so if we went back he would be out of status by now, his conditional was up in November last year.

jeffreyhy

I am sorry you find yourself in this unpleasant situation.

I hope others who are planning a similar move read your post and examine their own situations more closely before making (or not) their moves.

Regards, JEff

Emma M

Yes. I do too. It's alright having a plan in place, but relying on others to get you through until you can support yourself doesn't always work out well. BTW, more people should be made aware that the affidavit of support for joint sponsorship isn't worth the paper it's written on once here.

Sally Redux

So your original plan was to get mobile by learning to drive and the in-laws providing transport. This part at least could be worked on and you and your son could get out and have some life. This would also ease tensions in the house.

Any chance of a heart-to-heart with everyone? Maybe you can negotiate more independence, such as doing your own cooking, helping to reorganize the house so you have your own space? The in-laws must also be feeling stressed about having promised too much. My mum looked after my brother's kids but she found it very stressful on the quiet.

Emma M

We have tried so many times but they won't listen. They have ways of doing things regardless of how anyone else feels about it, they're renowned in the family for it. We have been told of it, but of course, it's a bit late now.

Michael

Can't your husband teach you to drive or is it a problem leaving your child with his parents? Once you have a few days behind the wheel, it'll all become easy.