Ash UK/US

It has been a long time since I attended a wedding in the UK but I was wondering are couples in the UK the same as the US. It seems like here they milk a wedding for everything they can get out of it.

And is it normal throughout the US (or is this a regional thing) to invite you the bridal shower/hen party and not invite you to the actual wedding?

MsElui

im not sure - but isnt the shower where your supposed to stiff up with the gift? (and maybe hence the invite lol).

Bluegrass Lass

Being part of a sorority, I've been to my fair share of US weddings. In this neck of the woods, it would be extremely rude to invite someone to your bridal shower, and not invite them to your wedding. Unless you know they will not be available to attend because they told you already (i.e. they're out of the country).

I've never been to a UK wedding, so don't have a clue there. From what I've gathered on here, over the years, it's not common to have a registry in the UK. Though I've often wondered then, how do people know what to get you, or what you need? If I've been living on own for awhile, before getting married, there are some things I obviously wouldn't need, as opposed to someone fresh from the parents' house. So I can see why a couple leaving home for the first time may register for so many more items. I look at a wedding as a way for them to begin gathering all the essentials they will need for starting a life together.

So I don't know if we are milking to the hilt, or if you Brits aren't milking it enough!

Kaffy Mintcake

Generally you don't invite people to a shower who aren't also invited to the wedding itself. Exceptions might be if it's a destination wedding, or will be out of town, etc.

Oh and MsElui - you get gifts for both the shower and for the wedding, but shower gifts are much smaller.

MsElui

ah - ive not been invited to either yet so wasnt 100% sure lol.

runningbird

I got married in January back in the UK

I did have friends come to my hen party that were not invited to the wedding but it was mainly a few old work friends that tagged along because they wanted to see me. I did feel a little bit guilty though.
No actual hen party presents - just the usual silly stuff plus a life size George Bush to carry around all night!!!! (My bridesmaids american themed it)

We had a registry at Macys to try to lessen the baggage back here and it worked really well. We did end up with a few gifts that were photo frames

Registries and money asking has gotten much more popular in the uk now.

The shower thing hasn't caught on so much - like the baby ones where you basically have a registry for all your stuff and the shower guests get it for you - never heard of that in the UK - people just used to bring you presents (usually babygos)

Norri

A hen party is not really the same as a shower is it?

Basically at a shower people sit around and sip tea or maybe a white wine and pony up the gifts, at a hen party everyone gets smashed and tries to tap total strangers for cash.
At least in Scotland that was the drill.

AndyR

I live in the UK, but got married 2 years ago in the US, bottom of the Grand Canyon to be precise.

Didn't do a stag or hen party as neither of us drink and both have had friends who have been assaulted recently on nights out so not worth that.

It may sound tight but we didn't want to fork out thousands of £'s for a wedding at home where people we hardly ever see come and stuff there faces at our expense, plus we just wanted to go away. Ended up with everything, wedding, flights, hotel, 2 week honeymoon, dress etc costing £6k for both of us so we were well chuffed with that.

Brother in law got married last month and did the whole traditional thing over here. Cost them just over £18,000!!!! I just couldn't do that...

USBound

weddings are in general a pisstake ...

i've been to MANY in the UK and 2 in the US... both the US ones cost approx 20x the UK ones and had MANY elements that can only really be considered outlandish and showy... personally i don't see whats so great about landing either yourself or your parents in a whole bunch of debt... but its a personal choice and different people have different expectations of their wedding day.

I praise my wife however, as she did our wedding like a true bargain shopper... everything came out perfectly and we came in under $10k (she'd have the exact numbers).

Ray

My US wife did ours for around $150

AndyR

Exactly!! As I said ours came out at around £6k all in. We planned it 9 months in advance and had it all paid for 1 month afterwards. We had to do it sooner because my wifes dad was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, but we just chucked everything on a 0% credit card for 9 months and then paid it of in full after that.

I know one of my friends almost bankrupted himself paying for his wedding which he described as a nightmare with almost 200 people there! Why do it????

Rete

Speaking only from my experience from hosting two weddings recently for my children and being the aunt to two who recently wed, I know that it differences from state to state.

I feel it is wrong to invite anyone to the bridal shower who is not given an invitation to the actual wedding and reception. This is the old-fashioned way of doing it.

My sister, however, had no qualms about giving her daughter a bridal shower and asking all my sister's friends and co-workers even though they were not going to be asked to the wedding and reception. Very very tacky in my opinion. (The ultimate cost of the wedding alone was 40K)

My sister did something like this again this pass weekend when she hosted a "Get to See Jackson" party for her 3 month old grandson. She invited everyone who was not initially invited to the baby shower and they brought gifts for the new baby.

In the NYC area it is customary to have a co-ed bridal shower these days where one is expected to give a gift preferrably from one of the registries that the couple has setup and the URLs are placed on the invitation. Also many have engagement parties prior to this and gifts are also expected. At the wedding one is expected to give money (depending on the venue) the amount can be from $150 pp to $300 pp to offset the cost of the wedding venue for the couple.

It is overdone, crass and I stopped attending weddings now and instead will send a gift to the couple and save myself the time and money involved in attending the wedding, baby shower, bridal shower, etc.

Bluegrass Lass

Wow! It's expected of guests to give the couple money for an overpriced wedding?? I've never heard of such a thing.

Here, if a couple opts to have their reception at a nice venue, the cost is fully on them to pay for it. Guests are in no way expected to help them pay for it, as it was their decision to have that expensive of a wedding in the first place. I've been to weddings where I'm sure the cost for the food alone was at least $25pp and there were over 200 people there. I've known people to really splurge on a wedding, and I've never understood that.

I have given money or gift cards (to a place on their registry) to most of my friends, so they can buy what they really need/want. I know money is a little impersonal, but it's practical, and in the long term is probably more helpful to the couple. In no way would I ever give money to the couple to help them pay for the wedding on top of giving them a gift. That is completely rude, and they would soon find themselves with one less friend. I don't blame you Rete for not going to the weddings. That's a heck of a lot of money to dish out.

Our wedding cost us about $7500, inclusive of everything (even the honeymoon). If I'd had the option of a $40k budget, I would have taken the difference and paid off debt or invested it. I'll never understand the need to waste that kind of money on a one day event. It's utterly ridiculous.

Ridski

It's not expected. I think Rete is talking about the giving of money as a gift, which could, if the couple are paying for the wedding themselves, help off-set the cost a little, but I don't think anyone's charging guests for the wedding.

My wedding was about $30,000, but the in-laws paid for it. We were originally going to have it in January to keep the costs low, but my visa took longer than I expected, so we had to postpone it until April, but the hotel and church gave us the January prices anyway. Even got upgraded to the Presidential suite, which was pretty cool.

I've been to a ton of US weddings and only a few UK ones, and although most of the traditions are common to one or the other country, every wedding is different. I've found I never quite know what to expect until I get there: open bar vs. wine and beer, band vs. DJ, ceremony and reception in the same place vs. in different towns with a 4 hour gap in between... All different.

another bloody yank

Ours was pretty fancy. My Best man, her Maid of honor and one groomsman, one bridesmaid. A whole shit load of guests. Reception was in the Church basement which was free. Food was meat/veg/fruit trays and rolls from Sams. Drinks were coolers full of soda and water, a couple of coffee pots, 3 kegs of good beer, four boxes of cheap wine and a few bottles of hard stuff. Our big expense was hiring a good Kansas City Blues band instead of a DJ. That was a good decision.