doctor scrumpy

The top 40 things you'll NEVER hear a Texan say - ever - no matter how much he's had to drink, no matter how far from the South he's wandered:


40. Oh I just couldn't. Heck, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen!
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

Patrick

41. I heard goatees and mullets had gone out of fashion so I got rid of mine.

42. I don't think I will wear my white vest, snakeskin boots and stetson today!

43. Go Yankees

44. Titty bars degrade women

45. Its only down the street, lets walk

46. I don't like girls with big implants

47. Why don't we buy a car that is more economical on gas

48. There are better states to live than Texas

49. George Bush was wrong to invade that Iraq

50. I have lots of gay friends

Patrick

Bonus one

I don't beleive in the death penalty

dknight7

51 hhmm, someone is compensating
52 real men drive economy cars
53 sorry, does my spitting in a coffee can offend you?
54 we lost the civil war
55 I'm sure some other states are just as nice
56 The Alamo is old news, forgive and forget i say
57 This place looks fancy, maybe cowboy boots aren't appropriate
58 I love you mary lou, i am just scared of my feelings
59 hold me
60 too much meat, where's the salad bar in this place?
61 no thanks, i don't feel like a beer
62 sorry, you totally had right of way
63 I want a nice quiet engine in my truck
64 putting flags on a car is just plain silly
65 I'm an American first, Texan second
66 Bush needs to work on his diplomatic skills
67 Does this look silly?
68 Guns are dangerous
69 We need to centralise more political power
70 could you turn that music down please?