Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
Jul 23rd 2008, 1:33 am
#16
Concierge
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 46,449
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
Thanks for the reply - I am trying to stay positive, and am very keen to be here. I suppose I just didn't expect the culture shock to be so huge - after all, I thought being a mother was a fairly universal thing, and I'd have no problem finding friends or people I had lots in common with.
I do get the impression that they don't seem to know what to talk about with me, and they are taken aback if I ask something away from the topic of children or families. The most probing question I've had is 'what does your husband do?'.
I do get the impression that they don't seem to know what to talk about with me, and they are taken aback if I ask something away from the topic of children or families. The most probing question I've had is 'what does your husband do?'.
Unfortunately you will find that most of us don't take about ourselves, lifestyles, money, relationships, or politics until we are feeling extremely comfortable with someone or we've become best friends.
It seems to be our nature to remain aloof in that respect.
Jul 23rd 2008, 1:36 am
#17
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Posts: 15,019
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
Jul 23rd 2008, 3:50 am
#18
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 0
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
I know, all good hunkering down fun
but you know it's about time we had some rain. Of course now it will go over the top and we'll have too much
Jul 23rd 2008, 4:15 am
#19
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 22,105
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
Jul 23rd 2008, 4:36 am
#20
Just Joined
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 26
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
djb1000 - thanks! I think 'steely facade' is the term I've been looking for, and I think you have a good understanding of what I mean. I have been trying to describe it to my friends back in UK, and it has been very hard to put a finger on exactly why the women in my neighbourhood seem different to those I would meet at home. They are a lot more polite, but something always seems amiss. It reminds me a little of olden times, when there was more emphasis on 'social graces' than actually having a conversation about anything remotely meaningful.
I was having furniture delivered yesterday and the delivery-man asked how I was finding Wisteria Lane. Hmmm......if only there was as much intrigue!
Luckily I'm the sort of person that enjoys a challenge, and a challenge it is turning out to be!
I was having furniture delivered yesterday and the delivery-man asked how I was finding Wisteria Lane. Hmmm......if only there was as much intrigue!
Luckily I'm the sort of person that enjoys a challenge, and a challenge it is turning out to be!
Jul 23rd 2008, 6:10 am
#21
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 138
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
Thanks for the reply - I am trying to stay positive, and am very keen to be here. I suppose I just didn't expect the culture shock to be so huge - after all, I thought being a mother was a fairly universal thing, and I'd have no problem finding friends or people I had lots in common with.
I do get the impression that they don't seem to know what to talk about with me, and they are taken aback if I ask something away from the topic of children or families. The most probing question I've had is 'what does your husband do?'. Conversations do seem limited to small talk, even with people I've met many times. I think it is a Katy SAHM thing. I have been to a few parties downtown and with my husband's colleagues and I get so excited to be talking about anything other than children and interior design, I never want to go home!
In UK I didn't find this at all - lots of the SAHM had interesting lives/past lives/ opinions, and good friendships were made much quicker.
Feeling a little homesick I think!
I do get the impression that they don't seem to know what to talk about with me, and they are taken aback if I ask something away from the topic of children or families. The most probing question I've had is 'what does your husband do?'. Conversations do seem limited to small talk, even with people I've met many times. I think it is a Katy SAHM thing. I have been to a few parties downtown and with my husband's colleagues and I get so excited to be talking about anything other than children and interior design, I never want to go home!
In UK I didn't find this at all - lots of the SAHM had interesting lives/past lives/ opinions, and good friendships were made much quicker.
Feeling a little homesick I think!
A few days later we had a 6 year old next door ask us when we were going to have children and then sometime later we started getting comments like "thats a big house for just 2 people" etc. Weird.
Jul 23rd 2008, 8:02 am
#22
MODERATOR
Joined: Nov 2006
Location: Hong Kong, mostly.
Posts: 5,214
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
They are a bit steely because quite frankly, you are being tested. Are the person who would betray a confidence, or look down upon them in a condescending manner? Talk behind their back, or use a secret they have against them, or make fun of them to others.
They don't know you from Adam. You're at the small talk phase as a way of getting to know you better. If you look down upon them, or your body language is saying 'this is stupid, you are stupid, etc' then you're in for quite a rough time of things. Do you think you're perfect in hiding your feelings about what they are talking about? They might be picking up on subtle things that is causing them to pause from getting closer.
It takes time and it is a challenge.
They don't know you from Adam. You're at the small talk phase as a way of getting to know you better. If you look down upon them, or your body language is saying 'this is stupid, you are stupid, etc' then you're in for quite a rough time of things. Do you think you're perfect in hiding your feelings about what they are talking about? They might be picking up on subtle things that is causing them to pause from getting closer.
It takes time and it is a challenge.
Jul 23rd 2008, 10:16 am
#24
Forum Regular
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Iowa
Posts: 215
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
I have been in the US nearly a year now, and have been lucky enough to make some great friends, through my children and through college. However, I can completely empathise with you on the stay at home mom issue. People I meet at the park, at ball games and even grocery shopping are wonderfully friendly, but the young mom's are a different breed, particularly the ones that are my neighbours. I am sure it is a happy mixture of being a stranger, talking funny, and not going to church, but all of that, along with being a single mum with three children, makes it pretty hard to get any conversation out of them. When I do get to make conversation though, it tends to be just about children, the weather or the cost of clorox and febreeze! So, I am happy to smile and wave, and go with the flow. It has gotten easier as time passes; I suppose it just takes a little time. Good Luck.
Jul 23rd 2008, 12:39 pm
#27
Arrogant ****
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: Plano, TX
Posts: 4,323
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
djb1000 - thanks! I think 'steely facade' is the term I've been looking for, and I think you have a good understanding of what I mean. I have been trying to describe it to my friends back in UK, and it has been very hard to put a finger on exactly why the women in my neighbourhood seem different to those I would meet at home. They are a lot more polite, but something always seems amiss. It reminds me a little of olden times, when there was more emphasis on 'social graces' than actually having a conversation about anything remotely meaningful.
I was having furniture delivered yesterday and the delivery-man asked how I was finding Wisteria Lane. Hmmm......if only there was as much intrigue!
Luckily I'm the sort of person that enjoys a challenge, and a challenge it is turning out to be!
I was having furniture delivered yesterday and the delivery-man asked how I was finding Wisteria Lane. Hmmm......if only there was as much intrigue!
Luckily I'm the sort of person that enjoys a challenge, and a challenge it is turning out to be!
One comment, based on our experience - don't let it get to you. Now that we're happily settled in, here in Texas, and feel like it's home, we often look back on the early years and are amazed at what a big deal we made of things like the "steely facade" of the neighbors. At the time they contributed to our unhappiness, and we blamed them. In retrospect, we were just unhappy due to culture shock, and fixated on the negative aspects of life here.
Jul 23rd 2008, 12:42 pm
#28
Arrogant ****
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: Plano, TX
Posts: 4,323
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
Sure, you don't talk dollars and cents of salaries, but there's far more comparison of consumer goods, cars, houses etc. than I ever experienced in the UK.
Jul 23rd 2008, 1:45 pm
#29
BE Site Lead
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: MA, USA
Posts: 92,174
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
The pluses, well I get to spend the time with the baby and there it ends...oh, and when out and about, creepy women, read mothers hit on me...well I think it's creepy, they've got their baby with them and all that.
Local library is a good hang out though for book readings, our local even does a movie night once a week....Borders is another good place for kids to hang out at, but we don't have one for miles, weirdly enough.
Jul 23rd 2008, 3:50 pm
#30
L2, GC, Surrey, OH, TX!
Joined: Aug 2007
Location: Surrey to Dallas (via Ohio)!
Posts: 6,363
Re: Stay at Home 'Mom' culture shock!
I'm a stay at home dad...not by choice mind, but it sucks.
The pluses, well I get to spend the time with the baby and there it ends...oh, and when out and about, creepy women, read mothers hit on me...well I think it's creepy, they've got their baby with them and all that.
Local library is a good hang out though for book readings, our local even does a movie night once a week....Borders is another good place for kids to hang out at, but we don't have one for miles, weirdly enough.
The pluses, well I get to spend the time with the baby and there it ends...oh, and when out and about, creepy women, read mothers hit on me...well I think it's creepy, they've got their baby with them and all that.
Local library is a good hang out though for book readings, our local even does a movie night once a week....Borders is another good place for kids to hang out at, but we don't have one for miles, weirdly enough.
Our local cinema also has a special morning show of a classic movie once a week. Its for mothers and kids so you can walk out half way through if you need to - and everyone is having bathroom trips etc so no one gets annoyed. Its a good way to test if the child is ready for a proper cinema screening.
