So homesick
 

Hi,

I'm a H4 visa holder, and moved to Houston from the UK (Manchester) in February to join my husband. We got married in December after a three year engagement. hubby has been in the US for the last 8 years. He studied here and then got his H1 visa a couple of years ago.

The thing is that I am so homesick :(. Back home I used to live with my parents and three of my five sisters. I have always been really close to my family and I am used to having lots of people around me: family, friends etc. Since I moved here I don't seem to have made that many friends. I didn't realise I would find adjusting this difficult.

I was very independent back home and did everything for myself. Out here I don't even have access to a car, as my husband needs it for work. I have to rely on him even for simple stuff like going grocery shopping! I basically end up spending most of my days at home alone. My husband is always tired and stressed when he gets home from work and is pretty grumpy and silent, meaning even when he is at home I'm still alone! He never wants to go out and if we do it just feels like a favour.

I just feel like the walls are closing in on me.

I was really positive about coming out here but it has been harder than I expected. I don't say too much about it to my husband because I don't want to bring him down too. He has enough on his plate. Although I do get frustrated and end up fighting with him :(

Did other people feel this bad when they got here, or am I just a complete saddo?? :blink:

Re: So homesick
 

I think you're among the vast majority there. Some people take to the move very quickly, others take a lot longer to adjust to the new situation. It took me about two years. Best of luck. :)

Re: So homesick
 

No, kiddo, you're not a saddo. That's a pretty lonely situation you're in. People need something to do and people to interact with. No wonder you're going up the wall. Glad you found this place. There'll be others along to help.

Could you drive your hubby to work to free up that car?

Re: So homesick
 

Driving him was an option but he is too attached to his car. He is also too busy with work to give me a few driving lessons and we just cant afford lessons at the moment.

(I have tried walking but Houston is not particularly pedestrian-friendly!)

Re: So homesick
 

I think most people have felt similar to that, I have been here 5 years and still don't have anything like the social group I did in England. You need to keep telling yourself life is what you make it. Maybe think about some voluntary work to get out and meet people.

Re: So homesick
 

It sounds like your problems are being compounded by being bored and isolated. You need things to do and that will be difficult without a car.

I suggest a serious chat with your husband when he's not too tired and stressed, pointing out your difficulties and having some solutions in mind such as buying another car or sharing with him for some of the days, looking up some clubs/activities/classes you could join to get you active and meeting people.

Good luck :)

Re: So homesick
 

Fixed that for you.

Re: So homesick
 

Thanks CitySimon. I guess you're right ;)

Re: So homesick
 

With all due respect, sounds like your hubby needs to be a little less selfish.

Re: So homesick
 

I lived at home with my mum and sister right up until moving here in march and can totally relate to you missing having people around. I get SO bored all day when hubby is at work, and I dont drive so can only go a short distance (mainly walmart - the joys!!)

Thank god for the internet!!

Re: So homesick
 

Sounds like excellent advice. I was 'housebound' with a 3 year old when we first came but at least I was in downtown Chicago and could walk places.
Is there talk of a green card in the works? At least then you would be able to work. Long term H4 is not pretty as most here will tell you.
And yes I'm sure that there are also some general adjustments from living with 5 other adults to living with one. Add that to being in a new place with nobody else to talk to. It will just take time. Getting out there and doing stuff will help with that.

Re: So homesick
 

you need to explain to him how your feeling ''too attached to the car'' is rather selfish considering the impact he is having on you. He needs to make time - otherwise why did he bother to get married? Schedule up lessons at the weekend. dont take no for an answer. sorting out the car/driving will be one step forward that may open up a lot of other options for you (volunteer work, classes, gym, museanms etc - and help make friends that way.

Re: So homesick
 

Can you drive?
If you can then do you really need lessons?

Sometimes I think that moving abroad is a bit like a bereavement. It is very hard and isolating if you don't know anyone at all. At least if you marry a US person you have some contacts here even if you don't like them.

I remember my first morning here when OH and kids had gone to school...I didn't know a soul, I didn't know where anything was and yet everyone back home was doing all the usual stuff that I had been part of a few days earlier.
I really felt like I'd been bereaved.
Very strange feeling:(

If you can drive then could you buy a cheap car? Just being able to leave your house whenever you want to makes such a difference and there's a whole new country waiting for you to discover it.

You'll be lonley for a while because it takes ages to find new people, start to know them, build relationships etc but don't give up because it will happen.
Sometimes it's hard and you have to make yourself.

But you do need your own transport in this country!

Re: So homesick
 

What does he think you are going to do all day!

Re: So homesick
 

Come to that, even if you can't drive, do you really need lessons in the US? All you have to do is get the car round the shopping plaza car park, thus passing the test and then you're away to teach yourself!

Definitely could do with a second motor by the sound of it.

Re: So homesick
 

It isn't really my husbands fault. I guess i need to take some responsibility for myself too. When I got here he suggested I get a H1 too or study. The deadline for applying for a H1 (once you have actually found a job) is start of April. As I had only been here a couple of months (and didn't even have my bearings yet) I never did it. So now he feels that I brought it on myself and I should just get on with it. He is right up to a point. I guess he can't really babysit me.....:unsure:

Re: So homesick
 

No offense, but it amazes me that people can't drive in America. To my mind its an absolute necessity in 99% of the country. Don't you fancy learning?

Re: So homesick
 

Up to a point, yes. Maybe he has forgotten that he has been living here for 8 years and doesn't remember what it was like. Plus, he had (& still has) a j o b to go to and the instant connections that go with it.
A little give from both directions would probably help. :)

Re: So homesick
 

No, he can't babysit you but he has been here for 8 years and may have forgotton what it's like to be new.

It is very easy to drive here and it does open up so many other avenues. If you study you will need a car to get to classes.

But I'm sure you know all of this and today perhaps you just needed to come on here and vent. And it is the perfect place to vent:D

Re: So homesick
 

I nevr drove in my life before moving here. Never needed to. And then you are supposed to go out and learn knowing that most of the other people on the road only had to drive in a straight line to get their licences?!
I did learn here, and it was easier than the two previous attempts overseas. But it didn't mean I wasn't as scared as the other two times.

Re: So homesick
 

A H1 isn't that easy to get, and definitely not as easy as it was when he got his. Most of us couldn't find a job in that time with employment authorisation, looking for one needing sponsorship would have been near impossible.
And study - if you can't afford driving lessons you definitely can't afford to study.
Perhaps you are both to blame for not properly researching your options before you came, but now that reality has set in you need to stop blaming each other and start doing something to change it!

Re: So homesick
 

Ithink you're right. I think I just needed people to talk to who have been through the same thing as me and can relate (without thinking I'm just complaining)

:):)

Re: So homesick
 

ohhh i am - took the theory the other day, hubby sits his test on fri then is gonna teach me :D

Re: So homesick
 

You are not alone. Probably everyone has gone through periods like this (just search 'Homesick' on this forum and you'll see.

A big part of being an expat is trying to deal with 'those left behind' be it family, friends, culture, etc. You might find it interesting (and somewhat of an echo of your situation) to read about these expats who are homesick

http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?board=68.0

It's the messageboard for Americans living in the UK. You'll find many of them mirror your predicament and there is a lot of advice over there on how to deal with it. Many of the problems are universal to expats regardless of where they're from or where they are living.

Re: So homesick
 

I see it that way also, she's given up what she had back home as did I for my OH and he really does his best to get me out of the house even though he might of had a hard stressful day at work, he said the only real stress he has in his life is me :( meaning he'll do all he can to keep me happy and it's because of the way he is IS why I'm still here.

Re: So homesick
 

We have all been through it, some worse than others.
Complain and moan away if it helps.

Re: So homesick
 

I guess you're lucky :)

Re: So homesick
 

Sorry, but he's a tw@ for making you feel like that, pure and simple.

H1's aren't easy to get, never mind the April opening day, chances of a couple both getting one are slim to none. He's just being an arse about it.


Is there any local library type meeting groups or YMCA meets that you could attend, get someone to drop you off?

Re: So homesick
 

I know I am, but believe me there has been many a time when I wished I'd ran the other way when I met him :( Welcome to BE anyway :) so many on here have helped me through the sad times of living the life over here :)

Re: So homesick
 

Thanks everyone. You really have made me feel better (and more importantly: NORMAL!!)

I'm going to take everyone's advice and do something about this situation before I completely forget why i came here in the first place.

:):):):)

Re: So homesick
 

Hey Sofi.. I genuinely feel for you.. I have been bored and lonely at times.. and I drive and have 3 kids to see to.. So your not a saddo and you are very normal!!

Until we are actually living this new life we never know just how difficult it can be. I personally got to the stage when I thought Sod this i've gotta get out there.. its not easy but it is doable!

I not dissing your OH but i do feel he has been a little unfair to you... its incredibly hard to be alone and away from loved ones.. and you need his support more than ever now... maybe a heartfelt chat with him is needed, but have in mind somethings that you are willing to do to help yourself, so that he knows that you are prepared to make adjustments.

There is a group called Meetup.com.. They run all over the place for loads of different interests, they may even have an expat group in your area. I have actually been in contact with a few people from there and I didn't even meet them at a meetup. Might be worth a go.

Take care and be kind to yourself... loads of us have been there.. or are still there.. so your not alone ((hugs))

Re: So homesick
 

You are equal partners, and your quality of life is just as important.

Re: So homesick
 

Hi! Welcome to BE. I am from Manchester too. I won't tell you my whole story (it would take too long and most people on here have heard it ad nauseam), but I can relate to what you are going through. After 16 years it is still hard and I still have a feeling of not quite fitting in. I moved from Manchester to a quiet suburb of Baltimore, no buses, no tram, no car! UGH! I thought I had died. Anyway, some ideas:
1) How about moving to a place downtown where you can walk to the gym or the shops (they do exist in the US, but usually cost more)?
2) Take a class. When I first got here I did meet many people at college. A community college is a good place to start.
3) I used to go to the public library a lot when I got here. There were people around and I wouldn't feel so lonely.Plus I read a lot and couldn't afford to buy the books.
4) Talk to your partner about how you are feeling. You are a part of this relationship and not just there for his convenience.
Good luck and keep us posted on what's happening with you.

Re: So homesick
 

Hi Sofi .. I remember your pic in the gallery ...Just got to put a new
chain on my bycycle and I will be pedalling over too you ....lol.,...

Re: So homesick
 

Hi Sofi...I do hope things start to improve soon...you definately need to drive!,even if you just get a little old banger to start with,I was in a very similar situation (long boring story!) for years, even though I had my kids,we couldn't afford a second car,and even if we could've,I couldn't drive!,so I was stuck at home as well,we didn't have a computer either!...then I discovered the craft shows on tv!(stacks on the internet!)......and I've rarely been bored since!....I still don't work (after being here 20 years),but still find plenty to do,and especially since finally getting the computer...after my husband got out of the Air Force we moved back to Illinois and he started teaching me to drive,first round an empty car park,then onto pretty empty country roads,then onto Route 66,we were going to Pontiac one day when he suddenly said you are taking your test today....I nearly drove into the ditch!,but I took it and passed,it makes SUCH a huge difference!!.....the first time I actually drove anywhere on my own,I shut my fingers in the garage door and lost two fingernails!!!,a bit painful!!!,but I was determined not to let that stop me!!:(
You definately need to have a chat with your husband,maybe even show him this post,he's obviously forgotten how things were when he first came over here.....although he already had his work to keep him occupied!

Re: So homesick
 

I remember that pic too, I think there's a reason her hubs doesn't want her out mingling...;)

Re: So homesick
 

I guess I'll be the first to state the obvious then, and say that your husband sounds like a complete selfish arsehole.

Honestly, what a wanker to make you feel bad about not "getting an H1" (which you wouldn't have got anyway, most likely, because they're massively over-subscribed).

Twice as much of a wanker for "being too attached to his car" (and not to his new wife) to even allow you the mobility you need to make a life here.

I'm terribly sorry that you're so unhappy here. With someone who was less of a selfish prick, perhaps you'd find it easier.

Re: So homesick
 

Can't you drive your husband to work so you can have use of the car during the day? Just a thought....

Re: So homesick
 

He's too attached to his car apparently! Lets hope it can whip up dinner at night too eh...

Re: So homesick
 

Then the OP needs to tell him if he's carries on like he's doing, she'll be heading back home! Totally unreasonable behaviour by her husband - it has been a huge change for her and yet he's making no effort to make her adjust to this new life, or feel settled and happy :frown: