kevntrace

Hey Darren,

I empathise with your situation. I've been in the US for 12 years now, 11 of those in the Bay Area. I really don't have any friends over here, only a few acquaintances through work.

I just got back from a 2 week holiday back to the UK. We go every year. My wife and 16 month old daughter are still there, staying an extra 6 weeks to spend time with family - I miss them terribly, of course. But life seems very empty at the moment. Once I go home from work I don't have any interaction with anyone until I go back to work the next day - how sad is that?

The work experience I've had over here has been tremendous, and I don't regret that one bit. I also got lucky and made some money on a startup that had a successful IPO - something I would not have experienced in the UK.

But I am leaning more and more to returning to the UK eventually. We would like to have a 2nd child if possible, and get our US citizenship. Once we've accomplished those, we need to have a real heart-to-heart to decide our future.

Strange thing is, my wife didn't really have a social circle when she lived in the UK. Whereas I did (but I've lost contact with them over the space of 12 years). I haven't built a social circle over here, but my wife has. And she would be very happy to stay - but would also consider moving back due to family.

If we do go back to the UK the question becomes what do I do for employment? Now I've reached the ripe old age of 40, I'm probably going to start experiencing ageism in the IT world. So maybe a career change?

Lots of things to think about. In the meantime I just remember I have my health, my beautiful wife and daughter, and a pretty good quality of life. But "home" is still good old Blighty.

DarrenP

Scottish mark 2: Good point on the acceptance that sometimes theres a timeframe for being overseas, and then there's a time to go home. I never really thought of it like that before. Funny how people living abroad always seem to assume that it has to be forever!

simongb: this sentence of yours really hit home to me: "I haven't met anyone because I don't want to be trapped here". Every relationship I've ever had here I seem to sever after about 3 months for no apparent logical reason, and a year or two ago I realised why and you just nailed it. I agree also, that moving back gets harder as you get older. Heck much that deep down I feel I *want* to return now, the prospect of actually doing so still terrifies me for so many reasons!

Hutch: Yes, I might, but I'm wary of working from home 'cos I think I could go a bit stir crazy. I prefer the concept of going out to work for the day and interacting with people. Could be an idea worth falling back on though thanks.

kevntrace: thanks! We have some stuff in common actually. I spent some teenage years growing up in Devon (Teignmouth) and now live in the same bay as you. Whereabouts are you?
I worry about the ageism issue in my industry too. At 36, I don't consider myself incredibly old in the grand scheme of things, but in the videogame industry, most people are in their early to mid twenties, so I'm pretty conscious of that.

There seems to be a distinct pattern of people feeling isolated and struggling to break into new social circles here. So many people in this thread have mentioned things along those lines. Anyone got any thoughts as to why that might be? Is it solely that Brits are a nation of pubgoers whilst Americans are more a nation of 'stay in with fancy surround sound and watch a DVD' types? There must be more to it than that, but I think it's a factor! Besides, it's not like I don't have friends here. I do. But those relationships are somehow on a more superficial level than the ones I had at home. It's all strangely 'formal'. I've just never quite figured out why.

SCOTTISH MARK 2

In Oz pretty much every Brit I know has mostly
British or Irish mates.

I think we just relate in a different way,
have the same sense of humour,
go to the pub and bond or whatever...that may
be just the Scots .

As other have said we're also very
good at talking to strangers.

I just have very different conversations with
Brits here than I do with any other nationality,
ie usually more interesting

ladyofthelake

You can count me as one of them too. I actually know more people here than I do in the UK, but they're not really friends, they're just people I know. I don't know why, but I never been able to just be myself with them, there's always something holding me back. Maybe it's because I feel I'm too different from them for them to like me. If that makes sense? The end result though, is that because I'm more reserved than normal and not being myself, I have effectively put myself on the outer circle of friendships. I think I give off the impression of being aloof and not interested, so I always get automatically left out of things. It's upsetting, but then again, I probably wouldn't want to go to any of those events anyway, and I most definitely wouldn't enjoy myself, as I would be too busy feeling AWKWARD!!! QED

TrishP

I don't know if its because Canadians are very different from Americans, but I've had nothing but friendship and support from the people I've met, real genuine caring support, not just the surface stuff. It probably also helps the fact that most of my friends are Christians that I met at church - maybe you guys need to just bite the bullet and pitch up at your local service on Sunday (as I did when I arrived here), you'll be pleasantly surprised at the welcome you'll receive!

britvic

No sorry, wild horses can not drag me to Church just to make friends :scared:

TruBrit

hey now vic that's something you can do while hubs is away...take pierce and go churching

britvic

LOL I dont think so, blimey just the thought of it and I break out in a sweat :scared:

ladyofthelake

Same here. My husband suggested it once and I wanted to slap him.

TruBrit

lol my hubs daren't suggest it to me...

woodsey

Personally I think we are our own worst enemies when it comes to making friends in foreigh lands and to a certain extent we cut our noses off to spite our faces. My 14 year old daughter was a great example of this but it took her a long time too realise it and it only happened when an English girl started at her school. From day one she said they got on like a house on fire and she felt completely at ease with her but it made her realise that it was her own actions in that she isolated herself and assumed that everyone (americans) would be horrid, that stopped her from making American friends a lot sooner.
Because we have to make an effort to connect with people for the first time in many years in order to make friends here we give up before we actually try mainly because deep down we just cant be bothered or we are left wondering what the f**k is wrong with someone just because they don't declare you too be their 'bestest friend ever' in the 5 minutes that you've been talking to them. I think we also forget that we are also foreign to them so they will have their barriers up just as much as we do. In the same way that we don't know how to react to them, they will be thinking the same about us. Just as we may be more reserved for fear of offending etc, they will probably by acting the same. We then wonder why we're left wallowing in our own self pity..
I too was one of those people that decided that Americans were materialistic, false, arrogant twats when actually they are not in general, yes some of them are, but so are some people from every country in the world.
If people truly take the time and make a huge effort and it has to be huge it will pay off and people will make friends but again why do we all assume that we will have close friendships in an instant when the friendships we have in the UK are years old?

Sally

With an ulterior motive

woodsey

maybe, but I'm guessing that that particular poster already went to church so it was nothing new to her and the people she met would have nothing to try and 'convert' her too as she was already a church goer. At least with her she had a 'connection' with these people i.e God so making friends with people would be so much easier.

Sally

Wise words, my son has also put up a lot of barriers but I think they are slowly, slowly coming down.

I wanted a circle of good friends instantly, whereas it had taken many years to build up friendships at home, and there was plenty of manure around the gold, or whatever the expression is, there. It's effort, effort effort but it does pay off in the end.

Sally

True, it is a good way of socialising.



























:scared: