New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Jun 29th 2005, 11:28 pm
#31
BE Site Lead
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: MA, USA
Posts: 92,172
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
No more numbnut type postings...if ya can't be nice, shut it because it would be a shame to have it all go a stray on a serious thread.
Jun 30th 2005, 12:05 am
#32
Not living a 9 to 5 life
Joined: Jun 2002
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11,061
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
I think I was accepted into my USC spouse's family pretty quickly. My sis-in-law and husband came to stay with us when we were living in the UK and I went over for Christmas to the now in-laws a couple of times.
I'm gutted I never met one of the grandmothers who was thrilled that her grandson was marrying a "European" (this grandma was originally from the Ukraine).
As for the various uncles, aunts and cousins that my spouse has, I'm gradually meeting the ones who aren't "black sheep".
I got some ribbing from the now parents-in-laws about being British but the FIL doesn't take the P much nowadays. My MIL and I get on so well and as it is, it would impossible for not to get on with her, such is her personality.
I'm waiting for the young nephew and neice to pipe up one day about my "funny accent" but that hasn't happened yet...
NC Penguin
I'm gutted I never met one of the grandmothers who was thrilled that her grandson was marrying a "European" (this grandma was originally from the Ukraine).
As for the various uncles, aunts and cousins that my spouse has, I'm gradually meeting the ones who aren't "black sheep".
I got some ribbing from the now parents-in-laws about being British but the FIL doesn't take the P much nowadays. My MIL and I get on so well and as it is, it would impossible for not to get on with her, such is her personality.
I'm waiting for the young nephew and neice to pipe up one day about my "funny accent" but that hasn't happened yet...
NC Penguin
Jun 30th 2005, 12:26 am
#33
trout pout
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 248
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Not to worry Dimsie....I get on well with mine but I still feel like I don't 'quite' fit in at family gatherings ....everyone seems to be running around offering to help cook, clean , whatever and by that time I ask ( I now realise I am supposed to ask 3 times before I accept a no!) there isn't much left for me to do so I feel a bit....well ...redundant! Then I just get a glass of wine and it passes! 
I also used to have a problem just helping myself at get togethers but finally one day I thought they are more likely to notice me for not getting up and helping myself that doing it so now I have no real problems wandering in someones fridge! Weird.
He has a bit of a dysfunctional family as they say....we think his 42 year old sister is gay but won't tell anyone ..... his dad is bi-polar and mum a little on the down trodden side but to the outside world you would not think so. So it's always fun at xmas!
I hope it gets better for you...if not regale us with stories!
I also used to have a problem just helping myself at get togethers but finally one day I thought they are more likely to notice me for not getting up and helping myself that doing it so now I have no real problems wandering in someones fridge! Weird.
He has a bit of a dysfunctional family as they say....we think his 42 year old sister is gay but won't tell anyone ..... his dad is bi-polar and mum a little on the down trodden side but to the outside world you would not think so. So it's always fun at xmas!
I hope it gets better for you...if not regale us with stories!
Jun 30th 2005, 1:19 am
#34
C.G.D.S
Joined: Nov 2003
Location: Ireland--->London--->Spain--->Rockport, MA
Posts: 3,353
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
I have a very large, very old family in law. It's taken me the 18 months I've been here to not want to bludgeon them over the head with a blunt instrument.
I don't like and never will like my MIL. It's a tricky situ as she and my 90 year old Step Father in Law live in Mr Sibsie's house and we get to live in the basement. Not my choosing and something I fought tooth and nail over.She's a manipulative old hag. Fortuantely for me, she's housebound so I don't see her unless I go up to visit and I don't visit without Mr Sibsie being present due to the bizarre things that get said by her.
The rest of the inlaws are all ancient Yankees who either live right on the farm, or just off it. They're a strange lot. They don't believe in spending money, live like paupers but have millions in the bank. One of the uncle's washing machine broke down last year. He refused to get a new one and wanted it repaired. Mr Sibsie managed to track down the manufacturer who informed him that the only other one in existance that he knew of, was in the Smithsonian.
There's no getting away from them so I just try to keep a very low profile and hope that eventually they all start popping off!
I don't like and never will like my MIL. It's a tricky situ as she and my 90 year old Step Father in Law live in Mr Sibsie's house and we get to live in the basement. Not my choosing and something I fought tooth and nail over.She's a manipulative old hag. Fortuantely for me, she's housebound so I don't see her unless I go up to visit and I don't visit without Mr Sibsie being present due to the bizarre things that get said by her.
The rest of the inlaws are all ancient Yankees who either live right on the farm, or just off it. They're a strange lot. They don't believe in spending money, live like paupers but have millions in the bank. One of the uncle's washing machine broke down last year. He refused to get a new one and wanted it repaired. Mr Sibsie managed to track down the manufacturer who informed him that the only other one in existance that he knew of, was in the Smithsonian.
There's no getting away from them so I just try to keep a very low profile and hope that eventually they all start popping off!
Jun 30th 2005, 1:28 am
#35
trout pout
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 248
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Originally Posted by sibsie
I have a very large, very old family in law. It's taken me the 18 months I've been here to not want to bludgeon them over the head with a blunt instrument.
I don't like and never will like my MIL. It's a tricky situ as she and my 90 year old Step Father in Law live in Mr Sibsie's house and we get to live in the basement. Not my choosing and something I fought tooth and nail over.She's a manipulative old hag. Fortuantely for me, she's housebound so I don't see her unless I go up to visit and I don't visit without Mr Sibsie being present due to the bizarre things that get said by her.
The rest of the inlaws are all ancient Yankees who either live right on the farm, or just off it. They're a strange lot. They don't believe in spending money, live like paupers but have millions in the bank. One of the uncle's washing machine broke down last year. He refused to get a new one and wanted it repaired. Mr Sibsie managed to track down the manufacturer who informed him that the only other one in existance that he knew of, was in the Smithsonian.
There's no getting away from them so I just try to keep a very low profile and hope that eventually they all start popping off!
I don't like and never will like my MIL. It's a tricky situ as she and my 90 year old Step Father in Law live in Mr Sibsie's house and we get to live in the basement. Not my choosing and something I fought tooth and nail over.She's a manipulative old hag. Fortuantely for me, she's housebound so I don't see her unless I go up to visit and I don't visit without Mr Sibsie being present due to the bizarre things that get said by her.
The rest of the inlaws are all ancient Yankees who either live right on the farm, or just off it. They're a strange lot. They don't believe in spending money, live like paupers but have millions in the bank. One of the uncle's washing machine broke down last year. He refused to get a new one and wanted it repaired. Mr Sibsie managed to track down the manufacturer who informed him that the only other one in existance that he knew of, was in the Smithsonian.
There's no getting away from them so I just try to keep a very low profile and hope that eventually they all start popping off!
Jun 30th 2005, 1:29 am
#36
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 307
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
It took me several years. I had never met my in-laws at all before I married my husband and didn't actually meet them until 6 months post-marriage (they never made it to the wedding as my mother-in-law was too scared to fly to England). My husband's family are really nice people, but just very different and it took both them and me time to get to know one another. However, I can honestly say that despite our very different backgrounds, I love my in-laws and wouldn't trade them for the world.
Jun 30th 2005, 1:38 am
#37
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 3,338
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Very quickly here - the fact that I met my wife whilst working over here pretty much meant it was just like it would've been in UK. So the relationship with the extended family had plenty of time to come along gradually. I guess (if you've got "normal" inlaws, of course) it would possibly be harder if you'd met and been together overseas and then came over sudden like.
Jun 30th 2005, 1:55 am
#38
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Well I didnt bother with this thread as Im not married to a USC but it seems I missed some fun...damn.
Anyway to the OP: Not getting on with your inlaws can be a right pain - mine are British and took me about 8 years before the MIL went from calling me a bloody slob that had no right to marry her daughter to being just about acceptable to her....mind you I dont think the speeding tickets I gave her helped the relationship much....
BUT - If you love your partner and KNOW ABSOLUTELY they are the one for you then screw the inlaws and enjoy your love with your partner.
Anyway to the OP: Not getting on with your inlaws can be a right pain - mine are British and took me about 8 years before the MIL went from calling me a bloody slob that had no right to marry her daughter to being just about acceptable to her....mind you I dont think the speeding tickets I gave her helped the relationship much....
BUT - If you love your partner and KNOW ABSOLUTELY they are the one for you then screw the inlaws and enjoy your love with your partner.
Jun 30th 2005, 3:44 am
#39
BE Site Lead
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: MA, USA
Posts: 92,172
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Originally Posted by ImHere
... they are the one for you then screw the inlaws...
Jun 30th 2005, 11:50 am
#40
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Originally Posted by Bob
maybe down south...
Jun 30th 2005, 1:14 pm
#41
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,095
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Originally Posted by rincewind
It took me a couple of hours to fit in and then a matter of days for it all to fall apart.
In-laws are a nightmare and accuse me of doing things I haven't done. I'm blamed daily for my wife's previous divorce and the ongoing custody battle, accused of driving through father-in-law's plants (thought about it, never did it), been threatened with a rifle by father-in-law (that was a pretty funny day for me) and other ongoing issues.
I'm the scape goat for everyone's failures here. No-one admits to their own screw-ups.
But I don't care. In a few years time, this will be all rather funny. Especially at the open casket viewing
In-laws are a nightmare and accuse me of doing things I haven't done. I'm blamed daily for my wife's previous divorce and the ongoing custody battle, accused of driving through father-in-law's plants (thought about it, never did it), been threatened with a rifle by father-in-law (that was a pretty funny day for me) and other ongoing issues.
I'm the scape goat for everyone's failures here. No-one admits to their own screw-ups.
But I don't care. In a few years time, this will be all rather funny. Especially at the open casket viewing
Jun 30th 2005, 2:45 pm
#42
pharrya's troublen strife
Joined: Mar 2001
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Well, I'm the USC and my husband is the UKC, so I can only weigh in on a slightly different perspective- how I feel with my UK in laws. And I have to say that I feel really fortunate to have been accepted as part of the family. We spend most Christmases with them and I look forward to seeing them every year. I feel like I can talk to my mum-in-law about just about anything.
I think a big turning point happened during our first year of marriage. Just before we were due to marry, my father in law got lung cancer and passed away that year. We flew over for the funeral, and as the most outgoing member of the "family" (and also the only one who went to drama school), I was asked to do a reading at the funeral. I also helped my mum-in-law out by doing most of the cooking. My uncle in law was in from Austria (my dad in law was Austrian), and didn't eat fish. My brother in law is a vegetarian. Somehow, I was able to come up with some pleasant, filling meals to suit everyone. My mom and my auntie mary (both widows), sent cards with heartfelt messages. My mom sent a huuge bunch of flowers.
As I got to know my husband's family even better, it became obvious that even though there may be some cultural differences, our families really had some significant similarities. Both his mum and my mom are one of 3 sisters - 2 close in age, and one much younger (his mum being the oldest, my mom being the youngest). None of us were brought up religious, and although we are Jewish and he would be Catholic and C of E, the basic philosophies of what our parents believe (or don't believe) is basically the same. Both of our parents were married for many years before our moms/mums became widows, we both come from relatively small families, etc, etc.
Honestly, at this point I think of his family as my own, and I'm pretty sure my husband does the same. He and my brother are both computer types and have that in common.
I think that we could have even been from the same country and ended up with in-laws a lot more different from one another than we have.
I'll never forget calling my mom towards the end of my stay when we went over for my dad in laws funeral. I remember telling my mom that I didn't realize that getting married also meant that I would get another mom-figure in the bargain, and my mom telling me, that my mum-in-law was lucky too, because she also gets a daughter.
Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for taking my husband so far away from her- but then I realize that she did the same thing when she and my dad in law settled in the UK instead of Austria. I guess the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know- perhaps to let you know that these types of relationships can grow, over time. That perhaps you can look past basic cultural differences and find the similarities.
(this advice, of course, goes out the window if the in laws in question are complete arseholes or something )
anyway- good luck to you and hang in there...
I think a big turning point happened during our first year of marriage. Just before we were due to marry, my father in law got lung cancer and passed away that year. We flew over for the funeral, and as the most outgoing member of the "family" (and also the only one who went to drama school), I was asked to do a reading at the funeral. I also helped my mum-in-law out by doing most of the cooking. My uncle in law was in from Austria (my dad in law was Austrian), and didn't eat fish. My brother in law is a vegetarian. Somehow, I was able to come up with some pleasant, filling meals to suit everyone. My mom and my auntie mary (both widows), sent cards with heartfelt messages. My mom sent a huuge bunch of flowers.
As I got to know my husband's family even better, it became obvious that even though there may be some cultural differences, our families really had some significant similarities. Both his mum and my mom are one of 3 sisters - 2 close in age, and one much younger (his mum being the oldest, my mom being the youngest). None of us were brought up religious, and although we are Jewish and he would be Catholic and C of E, the basic philosophies of what our parents believe (or don't believe) is basically the same. Both of our parents were married for many years before our moms/mums became widows, we both come from relatively small families, etc, etc.
Honestly, at this point I think of his family as my own, and I'm pretty sure my husband does the same. He and my brother are both computer types and have that in common.
I think that we could have even been from the same country and ended up with in-laws a lot more different from one another than we have.
I'll never forget calling my mom towards the end of my stay when we went over for my dad in laws funeral. I remember telling my mom that I didn't realize that getting married also meant that I would get another mom-figure in the bargain, and my mom telling me, that my mum-in-law was lucky too, because she also gets a daughter.
Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for taking my husband so far away from her- but then I realize that she did the same thing when she and my dad in law settled in the UK instead of Austria. I guess the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know- perhaps to let you know that these types of relationships can grow, over time. That perhaps you can look past basic cultural differences and find the similarities.
(this advice, of course, goes out the window if the in laws in question are complete arseholes or something
)anyway- good luck to you and hang in there...
Jun 30th 2005, 2:54 pm
#43
You Are All Diseased
Joined: Feb 2004
Location: Farnham, UK
Posts: 4,511
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Originally Posted by Pigtails
Wow!
Jun 30th 2005, 3:01 pm
#44
Account Closed
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 853
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
Thanks again everyone for all your replies. I've said it before and I'll say it again 
- You are a lovely lot, and have helped in so many ways since I first ventured into BE in 2003.
Sometimes just swapping stories like this is the most helpful thing there is.
I shall hang in there and look for opportunities to blend in the family circle!
A few hugs might not go amiss!
July 4th looms - we shall see!
- You are a lovely lot, and have helped in so many ways since I first ventured into BE in 2003.Sometimes just swapping stories like this is the most helpful thing there is.
I shall hang in there and look for opportunities to blend in the family circle!
A few hugs might not go amiss!
July 4th looms - we shall see!
Jun 30th 2005, 4:44 pm
#45
Banned
Joined: Dec 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 132
Re: New US Family - How long to feel part of it?
It appears I have been censored. I suppose 'telling it like it is' is one for the regulars and the regulars alone (seeing as thier rebuttals weren't deleted 
)
Dimsie, glad to be of assistance and happy to see you got the answers you needed.
)Dimsie, glad to be of assistance and happy to see you got the answers you needed.