rousemb32

Dear all,

I am being posted to Lower Manhattan in early March with my company. Today, we live in a Richmond, SW London and have 2 young girls (2yr & 8 months). My wife has a wonderful lifestyle at present with post-natal groups, coffee shops and parks despite the urban environment we live the typical west london lifestyle and she loves it !

As you can imagine, as the day draws closer my wife is becoming increasingly nervous about this decision. Her nervousness is rubbing off and we are spending next week in NJ to finalise a location and hopefully mitigate our last minute nerves.

- We are focusing on 3 areas at present for accomodation in NJ, Ridgewood (Bergen County), Westfield (Union County) and Maplewood (Essex County).
- We are looking for +4bedroom, garden, village-type location that gives my wife a similar environment to today
- I need to be in the office 5/6 times per month and will be homebased as I will be travelling across NA x1 a week, so near the airport is more important.

We could do with any advice on the above locations and any further recommendations outside of this we should consider - we are not locked into NJ but it appears to be the most obvious at present.

Thanks

Ozzidoc

Welcome to BE.

I'm on the west coast, in a similar yet different position to your wife. I found meet-up to be a life saver

www.meetup.com

Edit - I just did a search using "moms" in Ridgewood, NJ and there are hundreds of groups/organizations of interest

Rete

Welcome to BE

I can understand your wife's nervousness and to be frank, I will have to tell her, and you, up front that she will not find the same lifestyle here in the states that she has found in London. Americans tend to keep to themselves and are not quick to make friends. Perhaps acquaintances but you will not have meet-ups for coffee, children's play dates, etc. for quite sometime, if ever. And this is coming from an American. I appreciate Doc's input but having access to a group does not necessarily mean acceptance. The uniqueness of your accent and your differences in terms of culture will be a stepping stone to help at least open doors. Your and your wife's personality will be what determines how you get on.

I have no advice on those neighborhoods in NJ but there are quite a few expats living in and around there. It is early in the morning yet and someone such as Englishmum will be along shortly. You might want to use the BE search function. These areas have been discussed at length time and again.

Yorkieabroad

I would tend to agree with Rete about the friends aspect - we've been here 8 years, and have far fewer real friends than I have ever had before...lots of acquaintances, but few real friends. And the ones that we do have are split around 75/25 expat/american.

However, your wife is in a great position to get out and meet people and another great stepping stone as Rete put it ......the kids.

I have no idea what it is like living in the areas you are talking about (we're down in Houston) but there are sure to be lots of playgroups, moms groups, kids library readings, babygyms etc going on that your wife can join. I am a stay at home dad, and had mixed results with some of these which varied from a "we're called a moms group for a reason - dads are not welcome" from the local toddler park playgroup, to being welcomed with open arms (figuratively speaking) because suddenly there was someone that would kick a ball with the kids, blow up the bike tires and get kites down from the tree..... My "ins" to a lot of those groups were invites from expat moms who "vouched" for me and once in I tended to be allowed to stay once they realized I didn't bite. At least, I never got blackballed..but it was a struggle to break down those barriers.

The thing I did find was that a lot of the 'friendships' we made that way were very compartmentalized....."we're friends at the library but we don't do park dates" kind of thing....it seemed quite standoffish till I got used to it, and also until someone explained that a lot of the moms wouldn't meet up in smaller groups or 1 on 1 with kids because the husbands wouldn't like it (ffs if a fat bald unemployed 40-something is the best their wives could do for an affair it doesn't say much for them or their wives!!!!) So your wife may have more of a chance to make "real" friends at that sort of venue than I did - the friends I made like that were almost exclusively expat, who seemed more open to the idea of a stay at home dad.

I hopre your wife makes some freinds quickly, because it'll make it a whole lot easier for here and for you with the traveling if you know they're all happy at home while you're away.

Good luck with the move.

Neko128

To expand slightly, besides the web site mentioned above, there are almost always groups based on interests your wife could look into. Barnes & Noble or other book stores have book-readings and writing groups; craft stores frequently have knitting/pottery/crocheting groups or classes; local game stores and libraries will have chess groups or board-gaming groups. Local university clubs are frequently open to non-students, though this varies by university. There are groups who'll get together to do almost anything. A good resource for this is Craigslist; another is the local papers, which'll frequently have events listed, and sometimes the town web sites themselves.

For the kids, check out the local YMCA/YWCA; they normally have group sports and swimming lessons and similar things, even for kids as young as 2. That's a good way to get her involved with other local kids, and for your wife to meet other local parents.

SultanOfSwing

Slightly echoing some comments about making friends - a shared interest is definitely the best route.

I'm not the best authority of friend making in general - I just don't go out looking for them, and all my mates from home were made in school/uni or through friends that were made in school/uni . So here I was fully expecting to be a Billy-No-Mates and was very comfortable with it! It is true that in general a lot of people you might meet day to day (neighbours, work colleagues et cetera) may never be best mates and that is fine. Honestly I don't want to be mates with my neighbours and 99% of my work colleagues.

However, I have made some decent mates through various groups, the best examples being my son's soccer team (I am a coach), my band and amateur theatre. Now, some soccer parents aren't more than a "Hi, how are you" at practice and games, but I have a few decent mates among the coaches and those parents that are actually interested in the game and who delight in making fun of me for being a Liverpool fan . The band and music thing speaks for itself really, but one of the most pleasant surprises I had was when I decided to give acting another go when my wife found a play that needed an English accent. Long story short, I ended up in a cast full of Americans who may as well have been born in the UK. We'd be arsing about in rehearsals quoting Blackadder and various other Brit shows just like I'd be doing with my mates back home. Most importantly, I didn't get the usual 'oooo what a lovely accent/I must know every single Brit alive' type comments as well. Being a Brit (albeit not English) I was able to give advice re. the setting and that, which was a much nicer change.

So it can be done, making friends stateside, but you have to be smart about where you try to do that. Kids are a great ice breaker but there are many people who you'll have nothing in common with aside from them. Find a group that caters to an interest or hobby and it is more likely that you'll meet people who you can relate to and who relate to you.

Kind of waffled on there - another reason I don't go out looking for friends very often. They all fall asleep

Good luck on the move - I hope you are all happy here when you do come out to live

Bob

You don't mention what visa, but you say you are being posted, so presume a L1 company transfer?

That'll allow the OH to get a EAD, so she can work if she wanted to and a part time job could help find friends....or make voluntary stuff less of a issue and that's a good way to meet people.

meetup.com is a good start, bit hit or miss...but you might be able to find a local parents group or a new to town type of group.

Good luck with the move!

MsElui

I can empathise as I came from Surrey just over 3 years ago with 2 small kids (3 and 1 at the time). I since have had another child over here. and i dont work at the moment.


I found this organisation to be great http://www.momsclub.org/join.html They have local chapters and the members arrange all sorts of things for moms and kids to do. The local group I joined has been very welcoming and ive been to lots of events in the past year and could have gone to a lot more if i chose to. I do agree with Rete in that the people here do seemed to be a lot more reserved and its harder to make friends and even then if you dont instigate the meetings they just dont seem to happen. That said - the moms club organization is specifically for moms and kids to socialize so ive found them more than welcoming and many are in the same boat as me.

It also can depend on the local weather. here in Ohio its snowing and very cold for about 3 months from dec to feb and often longer. Then in the summer its very hot and if your pale skinned you can end up staying inside a lot. If you dont have firm plans to meet someone you can end up alone a lot.

dunroving

You didn't say whether you had a choice in the matter - just out of interest, did you have a choice, and if so, what are your reasons for making the move?

Although you are asking practical questions, your thread header indicates other reasons for posting.

If you have decided to have an adventure, the only advice I can give is to jump in with two feet and accept any difficulties and differences you encounter. For every difficulty, there will be some exciting new opportunity or experience.

You've already got some practical advice, some of which is encouraging and some of which is probably discouraging. It may well be that in 3, 5, or 10 years you will be pining for fish and chips and Tescos (and more important things like family and friends), but in the meantime just look forward to what will be a life-changing set of challenges and opportunities!

beatle2102

I can't say much for the latter two, but I grew up in Ridgewood, NJ -- if you can afford it, it's a very lovely village. A gorgeous town centre, easy train access to the city, one the best school systems in the region (or at least that what they used to tell the students!) and some really incredible homes. Note, though, that property taxes are quite high (if you own), and the community can be a bit insular (though still quite friendly!). Because most residents have a decent amount of money, there can be a bit of 'keeping up with the Jones' going on. When you're there, take a look at the houses and you'll see what I mean -- it's not cheap to get your house repainted every two years!

All in all, I'd say R'wood is a pretty good combination of a suburban, low-key environment with parks, sport, bike paths, etc, while still being close to NYC in one direction and EWR in the other. The school system might not be enough of a concern now though to make the cost of living worth it (if your kids were in middle school or high school, it might be a different story).
Finding a 4-bed would be no issue -- it's just a question of affording it. If your company is paying for it then that's obviously not going to be a concern.

Best of luck wherever you choose -- NJ is the butt of jokes, but it's really quite a lovely state. You're going to run in culture shock no matter where in the US you go, and you really could do much worse than NJ.

discoviking

Westfield is also nice, I am one town over. There are a lot of nice, single family houses there as well, some of them can be a bit on the pricey side. There are quite a few parks in the area, and you don't have to go far for any kind of shopping. The Jersey shore is not far away. PNC Arts center (short run down the Parkway) is also close, if you are into concerts. Many major acts make PNC the NJ stop on their summer tours.

Since you will be working in lower Manhattan and is also looking for easy access to an airport, I think Westfield is your best bet commuting wise. Train service from Westfield to Newark is decent, it's a short ride, and they also have a few express trains during rush hour that run non-stop between Westfield and Newark Penn Station. You would then take the PATH train from Newark Penn Station to WTC in lower Manhattan. Westfield is also an easy 20 minute drive from Newark Airport. (Straight up GSP north, to 22, to Rt1 south)

I have lived in several places in New Jersey and New York state, while working in lower Manhattan. For what it's worth, I think the Cranford/Garwood/Westfield area offer the best balance of commutability and quality of living. But that's me, your criteria might be different than mine.

Fanwood (same area) is also nice, but stay away from Bound Brook as they seem to always have bad flooding issues there.

Untitled 3

Have totally discounted living in the city? Somewhere like the Upper West Side or maybe even Park Slope in Brooklyn. Both are stuffed with parents with kids and very sociable especially for newcomers. With the added benefit of huge parks on your doorstep. The fact that you can walk everywhere means you're very likely just to bump into people. We live om the Upper East Side and find it difficult not to meet people especially other parents. A drop off at school normally mean invites for coffee for my wife followed by a little shopping.

Englishmum

Hi....just a quick note as I'm currently in Singapore and it's late here

I've posted many queries about expats relocating to new jobs in NYC and looking for advice on family-friendly places, which you can find in the 'search' or 'advanced search' facility at the top of this page.

Maplewood and it's sister town of South Orange (though not as 'villagey/cute') may very well be right up your street; there are many, many dads who work from home or/and are stay-at-home-dads and they're often around in the local coffee shops/diners and the park or reservation with their children. Ditto for stay-at-home mothers too.

It's a very arty scene so there is always something going on. There is an expat group (mainly Brits) for get-togethers with mums and kids and for evening /weekend meet ups with or without kids (especially if there is a big UK sporting event taking place). My friend who arranges it all is from Wimbledon.

It's a great commute to lower Manhatten or Mid-town...and Newark airport is just 10-15 mins max

Montclair (a State university town) is also a very nice town worth considering, but it's a longer commute to the airport and Ridgewood is even further away....the Garden State Parkway is a nightmare and you would need to use it to get to the airport.

I do like Westfield too - but I think that Maplewood is more friendly to newcomers.

http://www.maplewoodonline.com

rousemb32

thanks for all your replies.

The website links will prove useful, we have lined up viewings on properties in Westfield, Maplewood and Chatham next week.

We will visit Ridgewood but have not arranged any viewings as it may not fit location wise.

JFisher

I have to agree with everything this poster has said. You'll need to get used to people sometimes blowing you off at the last minute, not showing up for pre-arranged events/playdates, and maintaing a rather superficial relationship with you. I now have 2 friends who I would consider good, long-term friends, both of whom are 15 - 30 years older than me (the older generation seems better at this friendship thing!)

I live in a part of the US that's considered very culturally different from the rest of the country, so that actually made it easier for me to adjust because I was expecting a big culture shock. NYC is deceptively similar to London from the outside, but of course in reality it's a world away from London. OP, I hope your wife doesn't find American friendships too alienating, and at least she can look forward to other ways in which Americans can be positively delightful. We have great neighbours and some wonderful coworkers and we always have somewhere to go and someone to hang out with. However, for a real heart-to-heart, I still go to my Brit friends, and always will. Good luck!