Just Jenney

Carole, I don't have children (yet), and I don't have any first-hand experience with a "blended family" so-to-speak, but this is what I CAN tell you:

I have lots of friends who are bi-cultural -- American and something else. All the ones who grew up only learning English and being "strictly American" regret and/or resent their parents' decision to raise them this way. I have never met a person with who was raised only learning English by their bilingual parents who was HAPPY with that decision. Rather, they feel a bit saddened and deprived of the golden opportunity to know a second language and part of their cultural history.

Meanwhile, my friends who WERE raised bilingually are either very grateful for being given this advantage, or at worst are indifferent to it. I have yet to know someone who has complained about being raised to be bilingual.

Why your husband feels speaking Russian in public is embarrassing might stem from some negative experience he's had, or just a fear that he MIGHT have one. Maybe a compromise would be for him to speak Russian to your children only in private, while speaking English to them in public. If he looks at it as a special thing he shares with his children, instead of as a chore, maybe he'll be more open to it.

Either way, I think your husband needs to consider the long-term benefits to his children by teaching them Russian, as opposed to how it affects HIM in the short-term. That said, I think you need to bend a little bit and let him speak to them in English as well as Russian. Not to sound rude, but your hard stance on the issue -- especially the bit about him only speaking Russian to them and never English -- almost gives the impression that you see him as much as a language teacher as a father. If you let him mix it up a bit, maybe he'll warm up to the idea a bit more.

~ Jenney

Finn

I have to say, I admire your husband's viewpoint. My wife is Ecuadorian, and her
parents speak hardly any English. If one day we are blessed with children, then I
have to say that their first language is going to be English. They will be living in
America, therefore they will speak the language of the land.

That is not to say that they won't speak Spanish. Of course they will- I am learning
myself. However, I believe that to confuse a child with two tongues from the
beginning is a dangerous move. It is hard enough to get children to speak well in one
language these days, let alone two!

Of course, there are few skills in life that are as impressive as being
multi-lingual, but I believe that you need to understand where your husband is coming
from here. He has obviously struggled to transplant his life to the States, and he
probably doesn't want his children to face any barriers in the USA, because of his
nationality. An American identity is a very precious thing in the eyes of many
foreigners, and to ensure that your children's nationality is never in question is
one of the most important gifts.

I am waffling here, but I do know that I would never want my children to feel
that they did not belong in their country of origin. Sure, teach them Russian
once they are able to express themselves in English- but let them be sure of
where they come from.

I apologise if I speak out of turn. On a side-note, I think that in theory, the idea
that your children will learn a language much easier from the cradle is spot on- I
just think it sounds better in theory than in practise...

Carole

Thanks for your relplies, Jenney and Finn. Lots to think about there. Maybe I *am*
being too hard on him... but if I'm frustrated it's because of this attitude of his.
I agree that it's a good thing - to a point. But it's not that he's had a hard time
adjusting, or has had bad experiences when he came here. Pavel spoke excellent
English before he ever came here, and has never had a problem being understood or
making himself understood. Sure, he makes the odd mispronunciation now and then on a
new word, but then, there are Americans who can't seem to pronounce 'nuclear' for the
life of them.

He hasn't had a problem adjusting to the culture, or getting along with
people... in fact, it troubles me just how LITTLE about Russia he misses. He
has very few kind words for Russia, and no particular desire to return there.
He was very close to his granny, he says... but he doesn't even seem to miss
HER as much as I had imagined he would. The only thing I've ever heard him
lament about missing is some of the traditional Russian food he used to eat in
Russia, and he doesn't even seem to get too homesick over that. He is almost
phobic about avoiding the company of other Russian people here, preferring to
associate exclusively with Americans - with the exception of one Russian friend
who lives up North.

Maybe these things shouldn't bother me as much as they do, as long as he's
happy... and he clearly is. But it just seems so sad to me that someone should
think so little of their own country that they don't even miss it and seem to
want to forget that they were ever born there. He acts ASHAMED of the fact that
he is Russian, and most Americans find that sort of mentality very hard to bend
their mind around. It's the same thing when we're talking about children - he
wants to erase any part of Russia from their lives just like he's doing in his
own life, and I think that's terribly unfair. I wouldn't want him to try and
turn them into little Russians who hated being here... but don't you think he's
gone quite far in the OTHER direction? There's a happy balance to everything,
but in this he's just off the deep end.

Oh well... it'll all come out in the wash, I guess. I'm just counting on the
chance that he'll feel differently once he becomes a father.

Carole

Targaff

Rete <[email protected]> wrote in news:[email protected]:

    > countries, they also all became US citizens and left their Polish and German
    > costumes in Poland and Germany. They did not live a world comprised of only
    > immigrants from their home country but became part and parcel of the so-called
    > melting pot of America.

And a cursory glance at the background of this shows that a large proportion of
people who emigrated to the US at this time changed their name not to fit in, but so
as not to stand out. I think this is an important differentiation and is not
altogether positive.

As far as the subject in general is concerned, ultimately the problem of course lies
on both sides: neither wants to conform nor compromise, both think that 100%
acceptance of one way or another is the only way to go. Evidently nothing is being
learned here and both sides are equally to blame for this.

--

Targaff

Rete

Because as a child of Polish and Germany ancestory that is how those holidays are celebrated in our household. Xmas Eve to my German born mother was the day they had their celebratory dinner, opened their gifts at midnight, etc. For my Polish grandmother who was Catholic, Good Friday was a solemn day of fasting and on Easter Sunday you rejoiced by after attending Easter Sunday Mass by having a large dinner with your entire family to commenorate the rising of Christ.

Rete

You surmised from my post(s) that my ancestors altered their surnames to adapt to the US? Hmmmmm. I've seen my grandparents birth certificates and my Dad's last name and mine for the first 19 years of my life was the same as his. Do you know something about my family that I don't know?

Rete

Targaff

Rete <[email protected]> wrote in news:[email protected]:

    > You surmised from my post(s) that my ancestors altered their surnames to adapt to
    > the US? Hmmmmm. I've seen my grandparents birth certificates and my Dad's last name
    > and mine for the first 19 years of my life was the same as his. Do you know
    > something about my family that I don't know?

You'll note if you read back that I deliberately couched my reply as a statement of
fact of a situation that existed at the time rather than a comment specifically aimed
at you and your ancestors. Please, therefore, do not take it as a personal comment
(incidentally, a common way for flame wars to start); I was just using your - related
- post to point out that the changing of names which commonly took place was not
necessarily indicative of a heartfelt desire to integrate.

--

Targaff