leaving a child behind :(
Oct 23rd 2019, 9:35 pm
#16
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 189
Re: leaving a child behind :(
You ask not to be judged but it's impossible not to do so in a situation like this. You are sacrificing your son's happiness for your own in my eyes. And I was given to my grandparents at age 8 by my mum and stepdad to be raised so have some background in this kind of scenario. You can't give your son a hug over Skype when he needs it or play a board game or take him to the doctors when he is sick. You would be abdicating all of your responsibilities as a parent. Kids need as much support as they can get. And I just cant imagine anything more enjoyable than spending time and playing with my six year old son, seeing him grow, play football with his mates, be in a school play, whatever. But if the sunshine of Texas is more important then, I am pretty speechless. I have 3 and 5 year old boys and hate missing a single minute of their lives.
Oct 24th 2019, 12:11 pm
#17
Austin. TX.
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 5,930
Re: leaving a child behind :(
Grow up.
I also come back from various vacations with a gleam in my eye and seriously wanting to live there. Then I knuckle down to real life with a job/kids/responsibilities.
I also come back from various vacations with a gleam in my eye and seriously wanting to live there. Then I knuckle down to real life with a job/kids/responsibilities.
Oct 24th 2019, 1:16 pm
#18
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: East Seaxe
Posts: 72,535
Re: leaving a child behind :(
Please don't judge me, I have spent hours deliberating this situation and trying to think of how to work around everything. So here goes:
I met my boyfriend who lives in America over 2 years ago, I have been to visit him twice and the dream would be to eventually move in together, We want to be together. We have talked about marriage and me moving to the USA as I really don't think he would get along with the UK climate (He lived here for a year or two with his father when he was a child as his father was in the forces and he always says he remembers England as being cold and grey, he is based in Texas so you can imagine how he is used to warm weather and space..England is somewhat claustrophobic and I can see it myself having lived in the UK all my life and visited the USA, the difference in lifestyle is vast. Not to mention I dont earn enough to sponsor him unlike USA where you can have other people help with that.)
The one and only thing is that I have a son of only 5 years old (soon to be 6) and this is with a partner I was with for most of my life. All my life with my ex was miserable, always in some sort of debt, and even after separating we were forced to live together due to financial issues (separate rooms) and this worked out somewhat ok, for our son at least, he had both his parents there. I am now at the age of 34, at last out of financial ties with the ex, and I just want to finally think of how I want to live the rest of my life for once..that may sound selfish? perhaps. But I was with that ex from the age of 17, I never had my own life and I feel like time is running out to do the things I want to do.
Of course, I want to be there for my son. I would love to take him with me, but my ex says that he really would not let me, our son is all he has, he has no other romantic interests since we split. I can understand his point of view. Not to mention our son is very well settled in his school, thriving, stable, and they are very good at dealing with his medical issue of constipation which sometimes means he has accidents still..I feel kids at a new school, especially in a different country might make him a target for bullying because of this, and he has support from my mother who adores him and I don't think she would forgive me for taking him away. She does however somewhat sympathise with the fact she sees me so unhappy here in the UK, and notes how I seem relaxed and actually happy in the USA, I have 'my sparkle' back. She does also say that I should wait until he is a little older before moving. But I am just not sure at what age is the right age to leave? surely any age is going to be hard at first. I would be able to video chat every day, send letters and of course I would intend to visit for holidays such as Christmas. As much as whatever job out there I get would allow. The guilt eats at me, I don't want to be a bad mother and 'abandon' my son, even though I would always be there for him and visiting, and still able to manage contact with his school and keep up with his progress as they have an app which is very interactive. Also as he grew older he would be able to visit me too.
I guess I just need some advice, I am not getting any younger, and yet my son only grows up once. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.
I met my boyfriend who lives in America over 2 years ago, I have been to visit him twice and the dream would be to eventually move in together, We want to be together. We have talked about marriage and me moving to the USA as I really don't think he would get along with the UK climate (He lived here for a year or two with his father when he was a child as his father was in the forces and he always says he remembers England as being cold and grey, he is based in Texas so you can imagine how he is used to warm weather and space..England is somewhat claustrophobic and I can see it myself having lived in the UK all my life and visited the USA, the difference in lifestyle is vast. Not to mention I dont earn enough to sponsor him unlike USA where you can have other people help with that.)
The one and only thing is that I have a son of only 5 years old (soon to be 6) and this is with a partner I was with for most of my life. All my life with my ex was miserable, always in some sort of debt, and even after separating we were forced to live together due to financial issues (separate rooms) and this worked out somewhat ok, for our son at least, he had both his parents there. I am now at the age of 34, at last out of financial ties with the ex, and I just want to finally think of how I want to live the rest of my life for once..that may sound selfish? perhaps. But I was with that ex from the age of 17, I never had my own life and I feel like time is running out to do the things I want to do.
Of course, I want to be there for my son. I would love to take him with me, but my ex says that he really would not let me, our son is all he has, he has no other romantic interests since we split. I can understand his point of view. Not to mention our son is very well settled in his school, thriving, stable, and they are very good at dealing with his medical issue of constipation which sometimes means he has accidents still..I feel kids at a new school, especially in a different country might make him a target for bullying because of this, and he has support from my mother who adores him and I don't think she would forgive me for taking him away. She does however somewhat sympathise with the fact she sees me so unhappy here in the UK, and notes how I seem relaxed and actually happy in the USA, I have 'my sparkle' back. She does also say that I should wait until he is a little older before moving. But I am just not sure at what age is the right age to leave? surely any age is going to be hard at first. I would be able to video chat every day, send letters and of course I would intend to visit for holidays such as Christmas. As much as whatever job out there I get would allow. The guilt eats at me, I don't want to be a bad mother and 'abandon' my son, even though I would always be there for him and visiting, and still able to manage contact with his school and keep up with his progress as they have an app which is very interactive. Also as he grew older he would be able to visit me too.
I guess I just need some advice, I am not getting any younger, and yet my son only grows up once. I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.
Hi Becki. The best advice I can give you is to talk this through with a good counsellor, who will be able to help you clarify your thoughts. I mean this in a very supportive way, asking complete strangers on a public forum for input into something so deeply personal and individual to you, something that you're already feeling very vulnerable about, is not a good idea.
Becki, I do agree with SOS overall, above. For you to be even contemplating what you are contemplating you must have had some serious and nasty stuff happen in your life and you will be better off sorting that. I would at least suggest not making any decisions while you are in this state. I say this as the mum of a son with an absentee father (his doing, not mine) from when my son was 5 or 6, who texts him and skypes with him (increasingly less frequently). It has caused my son nothing but pain and anger that, at age 20, he is still dealing with. You are more important to your son than you think (parents have frightening power over their children's emotional development) and you yourself are worth more than you think - you should not be at the beck and call of a man who doesn't want to inconvenience himself and who doesn't understand that the needs of your son, as a child, are more important than him and his wishes. You too are worth loving by someone who values you properly, and that includes valuing you and your son together.
Oct 24th 2019, 2:29 pm
#19
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 6,148
Re: leaving a child behind :(
Putting aside the issue of the child, I can tell you from personal experience just how utterly miserable the weather in the UK used to make me.
Until I moved to the US I never knew that it was possible to actually go through an autumn or a winter without being horribly depressed, and it's one of the major reasons why I don't think I could ever move back to the UK - I absolutely refuse to subject myself to that level of misery ever again.
I'm actually sympathetic to the boyfriend here, and I'd be 100% on his side if it wasn't for the fact that there's a child involved.
Until I moved to the US I never knew that it was possible to actually go through an autumn or a winter without being horribly depressed, and it's one of the major reasons why I don't think I could ever move back to the UK - I absolutely refuse to subject myself to that level of misery ever again.
I'm actually sympathetic to the boyfriend here, and I'd be 100% on his side if it wasn't for the fact that there's a child involved.
Why doesn't he move over "Hey it be cold but I'm willing to adapt and could spend the winter holidays in a warmer climate, so you don't have to leave your child?"
Oct 24th 2019, 3:40 pm
#20
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2017
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 455
Re: leaving a child behind :(
No, I wouldn't - that sort of climate would be a deal-breaker for me.
It seems a lot of hassle for someone that I'd only have met twice in two years (long distance relationships are another deal-breaker for me), but it's not for me to say what will or won't work for OP.
Why doesn't he move over "Hey it be cold but I'm willing to adapt and could spend the winter holidays in a warmer climate, so you don't have to leave your child?"
It seems a lot of hassle for someone that I'd only have met twice in two years (long distance relationships are another deal-breaker for me), but it's not for me to say what will or won't work for OP.
Oct 24th 2019, 3:49 pm
#21
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 502
Re: leaving a child behind :(
Oct 25th 2019, 12:52 am
#23
Account Closed
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 0
Re: leaving a child behind :(
My other half is 66. He still has problems with being left by his mother when he was 4 years old. She moved from the UK to the US to marry a man that wouldn't make any concessions to include her 4 year old son. She chose him over her son who she didn't see again until he was 21. Her marriage didn't last but she had 4 other children with the man she left with. She married again and had another child. None of her other kids even knew they had an older brother back in the UK. It has been a sad situation. Family relationships with them all hasen't happened. It was too late . My mother in law put herself first and left to live with a guy that really didn't care about her son. Lots of people were hurt because of that.
OP, really really think about what you are doing. Think about what you will lose if you leave. Love and living together is all about sharing and doing what is best for both of you. Love is about compromises, it's about give and take. Please don't be the only one that gives. You could miss out on so much.
OP, really really think about what you are doing. Think about what you will lose if you leave. Love and living together is all about sharing and doing what is best for both of you. Love is about compromises, it's about give and take. Please don't be the only one that gives. You could miss out on so much.
Oct 25th 2019, 2:49 am
#24
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Apr 2014
Location: Lauren's Co. SC by way of Palmetto, Florida
Posts: 3,265
Re: leaving a child behind :(
I came to the US four years ago and left behind my two independent young ladies of 19 and 21, that has been hard enough, I couldn't imagine what it'd be like for a mother leaving a young dependent behind. Technology makes contact easier now than it might have been in the past but, unless you and your Texan are rolling in it, maintaining a physical presence gets real expensive real fast.
Oct 25th 2019, 11:00 am
#25
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: East Seaxe
Posts: 72,535
Re: leaving a child behind :(
I came to the US four years ago and left behind my two independent young ladies of 19 and 21, that has been hard enough, I couldn't imagine what it'd be like for a mother leaving a young dependent behind. Technology makes contact easier now than it might have been in the past but, unless you and your Texan are rolling in it, maintaining a physical presence gets real expensive real fast.
Last edited by Lion in Winter; Oct 25th 2019 at 11:04 am.
Oct 25th 2019, 11:22 am
#26
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Apr 2014
Location: Lauren's Co. SC by way of Palmetto, Florida
Posts: 3,265
Re: leaving a child behind :(
And money won't solve it anyway. A child wants his/her parent there to tuck them in at night, be there when they get home from school, read to them, take them out to play, help them when they hurt themselve or cry, and generally provide a feeling of security and love by being there. That can't be done long distance, and it can't be done from a starting point of "you weren't important enough to make me stay" (which is what a small child is very likely to feel). 19 and 21 are grown up. 6 is not.
Oct 25th 2019, 4:15 pm
#27
Just Joined
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 5
Re: leaving a child behind :(
Something you may want to keep in mind: it's going to be harder for your son to move when he's had a bunch of friends at school for a couple years. There's something to be said for letting him mature before something like that, but he might not even want to go if you wait until he's 8 or 10 years old.
Oct 25th 2019, 4:34 pm
#28
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,903
Re: leaving a child behind :(
Something you may want to keep in mind: it's going to be harder for your son to move when he's had a bunch of friends at school for a couple years. There's something to be said for letting him mature before something like that, but he might not even want to go if you wait until he's 8 or 10 years old.
My two cents - ANY post that starts 'Please don't judge me...' means that the OP knows what they are doing is wrong and they are looking for someone to say 'it's OK to abandon your 5-year-old son in favour of an internet romance'.
Sorry, ain't gonna happen.
Oct 25th 2019, 6:36 pm
#29
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: "LA LA Land"
Posts: 2,448
Re: leaving a child behind :(
ok...you've asked...Cassandra speaks:
Don't abandon your child!
DON'T !
That's what you'd be doing.
Aside from the existential damage you'll likely inflict on your son (and that's your most important consideration right now)....also consider this:
The "sunny skies" and vast "space" of Texas, to which your boyfriend is seemingly wedded - will, predictably, become obscured and diminished by an inescapable, grey cloud of guilt and recrimination
This claustrophobic cloud will first hover over and soon fester within your new relationship.
There will be no escape
The temperature of the torrid romance will plunge from hot and steamy - to dead, stone cold.
We've all been warned and know full well:
Climate change is caused by human activity.
Becki, please know....the above is not meant as a judgement.
It is meant as a warning!
The risk of making the 'wrong' decision is too consequential.
You owe it to yourself and everyone impacted to seek some professional guidance and support.
Wishing you all the best.....
Don't abandon your child!
DON'T !
That's what you'd be doing.
Aside from the existential damage you'll likely inflict on your son (and that's your most important consideration right now)....also consider this:
The "sunny skies" and vast "space" of Texas, to which your boyfriend is seemingly wedded - will, predictably, become obscured and diminished by an inescapable, grey cloud of guilt and recrimination
This claustrophobic cloud will first hover over and soon fester within your new relationship.
There will be no escape
The temperature of the torrid romance will plunge from hot and steamy - to dead, stone cold.
We've all been warned and know full well:
Climate change is caused by human activity.
Becki, please know....the above is not meant as a judgement.
It is meant as a warning!
The risk of making the 'wrong' decision is too consequential.
You owe it to yourself and everyone impacted to seek some professional guidance and support.
Wishing you all the best.....
Last edited by MMcD; Oct 25th 2019 at 7:09 pm.
Oct 26th 2019, 5:05 pm
#30
Account Closed
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 0
Re: leaving a child behind :(
This
Exactly, searching the approval of strangers in order to satisfy another stranger, and by doing so ignoring the needs of those closest.
Very strange.