northernbird

Absolutely, I agree about the guilt trips and bad moods when you get off the phone. My MIL has this knack and I hope I never ever treat my daughters and their families the way my MIL treats us.

mingusdynasty

toxic personalities... Often, im sure she doesn't even realise the crap she comes out with.

Shivster

What are your reasons for going back?

I'm lucky with my family. They've never guilted me over me being here or put any pressure on for me to go back. Mum's in hospital at the moment having major surgery and I feel awful for not being able to go and visit but there's not been a hint from anyone that I should feel bad.

dunroving

From experience (and from a few years of reading this Forum), I'd say think very, very carefully before you take the plunge. Be careful about going back for the sake of people at home, or with expectations of people at home. Ask yourself "If it turned out that I hardly saw family and friends when I went back, would I still go?"

It's never too late to change your mind (well, not necessarily true, but you know what I mean). If I could go back to fall 1999 and take back my letter of resignation, I'd do it in a heartbeat but at the time I just thought "Well, that's done now, no going back". Most employers would rather keep you on than re-hire, you can always drop out of a house sale (or buy another house), and this would be cheaper than ping-ponging all the way back to NZ. If you stay in NZ, you can still decide in a year or two's time that yes, you do want to go back.

Last year my employer in NC asked if I wanted to take a sabbatical/unpaid leave instead of resigning. I turned down the offer because I was coming to the end of a fixed-term visa and thought I had no choice. However, the H-1B visa rolls around after a year out of the country and I could have gone back in July 2007 (that's this month!). As it is, they still haven't relaced me (well, they have, but she can't start until Jan 2008, and she is a neophyte, hot-out-of a PhD greenhorn). I had been back here for about 3 months before I got the letter from the VCAA officially accepting my resignation. Wouldn't surprise me if most instututions wait until the person is definitely "gone" before they officially confirm things. A colleague in Massachusetts did just that - resigned, conditionally accepted another job, then went back to her employer several weeks later and asked "Can I change my mind?" Not only were they glad to say yes but she is now on better pay because almost losing her made them realize how valuable she was.

I'm not trying to sow seeds of doubt (sounds like they are already there), just emphasizing that you can change your mind before you get on that plane.

mingusdynasty

My main #1 reason was family. My dad passed away a few years back and my mum lives alone. I miss my son who is growing up fast without me with my ex wife, who is being a royal pain in the arse about me seeing him. Example, they flew to Australia last year but I was not allowed to see him. Apart from that, percieved career opportunities. The usual stuff really. Culture, sport, closeness to Europe, humor of people, history...stuff like that. I will say, on reflection I am doing it more for others than myself. I can't win really. I wouldn't be 100% happy being back, but staying I feel completly selfish.

I reckon if I went back to where I grew up I could hook up with old mates, but the last time i was back , it felt really strange seeing them, like I had moved on, but they were still doing the same thing.

Shivster

Why wouldn't the ex let you see your son?

Moral tale warning...

Years ago when I was moving to Spain, I was due to exchange contracts on my house and days before I had a gut feeling I wasn't doing the right thing. I talked myself into it telling myself I'd told everyone I was going so I had to. I was just loosing confidence. It'd all work out and I was just being silly.

The move never felt right and it wasn't right and eventually set me off on a path that led me to the US and now my huge desire to go back to England.

Back to you!

Is your mum fit and well enough to be able to travel? Do you have siblings that could ease your mind about her short term and long term welfare? Can you try and get a better level of communication with your ex? Are you able to go back to England for a visit every one or two years?

I'm a great believer in that if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right.

ladyofthelake

Dunroving is right. I know someone on another forum who returned due to a sick daughter and the extreme guilt she felt leaving her and the grand daughter behind. Now she's back, the daughter is not as sick as she was thought to be, and she feels she went back for all the wrong reasons. She is hating being there right now.

It's not the first time either on here, that someone has returned due to family and then regretted it. You do have to look at it from a selfish point of view. Do you really want to go back? Is your choice based on what you want, or what you think other people want? You have to put yourself first and do what's right for you first and foremost.

mingusdynasty

I here what you are saying.

Im an only kid so my mum now is virtually alone. She has managed over the years to piss of her entire family who have nothing to do with her. I don't think she cares too much about that though.

I've asked my mum many times to consider moving to NZ but she is not keen. On reflection I don't think she would cope here.

My ex will let me see my son, but she doesn't make it easy. Last christmas was a huge kick in the guts when they travelled to OZ and told me I was not featuring in the plans. When I was in England last I actually was tearing my hair out trying to fit myself around them.

One night I went to the village as arranged and they had decided to go out instead...stuff like that.

Basically, she likes to play little games, but I won't attack her here, cos she can't defend herself.

My son though is great.

yellowbrickroad

I understand where you are coming from, and am returning back for similar reasons. When you have got children from a previous marriage, irrespectible of what happened in the marriage, you want to be able to see them. I have it the other way round,I brough the children with me to Aus, and I feel guilty that I have taken them away from their father - he wont ever come here, and when they ask about him, I dont know what to say. He promised to do this and that, but has not done it. I dont want to carry the guilt around with me for the rest of my life, so I will return so they have the opp to see him, and if they chose not to, then fair be it, and if he choses not to, then fair be it. At the end of the day I am not carrying the guilt of bringing there here.

Does that make sense? I hope it does, I know where you are coming from and I guess I am a bit the same, only different. Good luck. Nothing ventured nothing gained, thats what I say.

mingusdynasty

It makes sense to me. When my marriage hit the skids I decided to move to NZ, and leave my son in the UK. Obviously, moving to the other side of the world is not quite the same as moving to another part of the UK, but one which might have happened anyway. I wonder if I was in England and in a different part of the country how much I would see my son anyway.

My relationship with my ex is rubbish, and I would prefer not to see her ever again.

I know I would be able to speak on the phone more often to my son, but again, that is a two way street and he and her never picks up the phone ... I myself have been crap at picking up the phone, mainly because it was like talking to a brick wall, you know all one sided conversation, and after a while you get fed up with that.

I think my ex just see's me as someone who gives them cash, and don't really care about me at all.

I just wonder if eventually he might want to move to NZ. Again, I have tried to get my ex to consider moving to NZ, but she is not keen.

I know that my son is thriving in the UK with my ex and her new partner. There is guilt of course, but you can't live your life for other people. The thing is if I was happy in the UK I would have stayed, but at the time I was really unhappy living in England. So now im faced with that prospect again. Tough choices to make. There is much I like about England, and much I do not like! There is a lot I like about NZ, and a lot I do not like. Life is never straight forward.

On balance NZ just about edges it for me. The one thing I do not miss is the crap I had to go through on a weekly basis with my ex and her family.

The more I think about it, the more I am tempted to say **** it and remain in NZ for better and worse and see what happens in a few years time. What happens over the next month or so will decide my future...

Mally Lass

Oh god, this sooo rings true. If this is your main motivation don't do it, and I say this with utter desperation.

My experience, like many others was horendous with regards to being guilt tripped and/or feeling guilty.

Brief outline of my experience (many others have already heard this, and will be doing this right now )

Parents (Divorced) and best friends phoning me regularly telling me what I'm missing, saying they miss me, miss the kids, miss babysitting, unhappy without us in our lives, miss us at the pub, our sense of humour blah blah.

I was then told (by my Step Mother) that my Father was dying of Cancer.
Told by my best friend that my Mother was very sick and couldn't cope without me there, even though she wouldn't say anything to me. Best fried also told me she herself was suffering depression etc and needed me.

On THAT note, we packed up, sold everything and flew back.

Mother was in fact fine and was rather shocked that we had returned. Started a new life with new friends and promptly moved away

Father had a tiny lump removed (non cancerous), and moved with his wife to Spain with roughly a month of our return.

Best friend, was very busy 'recovering' from her depression and sooo busy having dinner parties, that she couldn't even 'fit me in' for 2 weeks after we landed

The pub was the boring old same idiots that had the same routine adn nothing new to say, our sense of humour had pretty much vanished at that point.

I'm not saying your family etc will be like this, but just an example of how 'Rose Tinted' people see the Uk when they aren't there.

Go for an extended holiday and act like you already live there, think about the bills, lifestyle, routine, job, etc, and then think about it more

JAJ

This is very sound advice, and I really do feel for those on this thread who have perhaps taken decisions in an over-hasty manner.

If you have a good, established life in the United Kingdom, then really you ought to think very hard as to what you want to achieve before you emigrate.

And if you have emigrated - especially if you have settled successfully - think hard before going "home".

Try to keep doors open as much as possible - think hard before abandoning a chance to get citizenship, look hard at the option of keeping your house, try to get sabbatical from job rather than resign and so on.

rabsody

I am divorced myself and do not get along with the ex husband (partic as he won't let me leave Australia with the children) so I understand where you are coming from with your issues. I also have experienced it on the other side, coming from a divorced home myself.

I'm not sure how old your son is but saying he never picks up the phone ... well, you are the adult here! My dad never kept in contact with us and it certainly makes you feel that they don't care ... maybe this is how your son feels hence his monosyllabic response when you call. I can't imagine there are too many kids out there that would willingly not want to communicate with their parents, no matter what front they put on it.

Good luck with whatever decision you make moving forward.

psb182

money will only buy you STUFF,we all seem to want more of it but quite frankly I myself was much happier when I had nothing.
Over the past 10-15 yrs I have been at both ends of the spectrum,from nothing to doing pretty well and without a doubt was much happier when I had nothing or very little,don't really know why I feel that way but perhaps I am thinking that when I had nothing and saved up to buy an item it really meant something whereas now yo just go and get it without flinching.
I personally feel family and friends mean everything and would be just as happy with nothing as long as they are around

northernbird

It doesn't just buy you stuff. Money buys you food, clothes and warmth not just the latest plasma and designer leather couch. No amount of family will make you happy if you can't feed your family.