Ash UK/US

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP, for the 97.85 % of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and Senate will be disbanded

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules will be introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’ skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you cant cope with the correct pronunciation

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary“. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like“ and “you know“ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. there will be no more ’bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as ‘US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘U’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper- class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents- Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sitcoms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of Football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2007. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls game called “rounder” which is baseball without a fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for Shit!. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of the a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which is served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea in made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity is to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is Lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser Company whose product will referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2007) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former USA will in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $7/US gallon-get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If your not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

elfman

Maybe there are some Americans out there who missed this, but I'm pretty sure there are no British Expats who did - it's only been posted on here about 25 times since I became a member.

bah humbug

Ash UK/US

Well I hadn't seen it on here... just thought I would share it

Rushman

This week

evoal2003

First time I've seen it.

ironporer

The old confrontationa IP would have said something like...I just keep waiting for the same type of thing from all the other lands that kicked your asses out...from India, South Africa (OK...actually half the african continent).... I suppose Canada and Australia still have a need to suckle from the mother teat....

But I am a changed man...polite, sweet, non confrontational...

(Though I do think it is funny)

Rushman

Isn't that also a list of all the countries that helped you kick our arses out....oh no that was
France
Germany
Holland
Various native American tribes (thanked by small pox and genocide)


Didn't do so well in Canada against the British Army did you?
Just out of idle curiousity, in the War or Independance itself how many battles did the Continental Army actually win against the British and how many did they lose? Also interested to know what the butchers bill of the battles were also. Might make for some enlightening reading this side of the Atlantic.

gruffbrown

1775 Lexington and Concord Decisive Battle (18 Apr 1775) British retreat to Boston
1775 Fort Ticonderoga (10 May 1775) American victory
1775 Bunker Hill (17 Jun 1775) British Victory
1776 Harlem Heights (16 Sep 1776) American victory
1776 Valcour Island (11 Oct 1776) British Victory
1776 White Plains (28 Oct 1776) American victory
1776 Trenton Decisive Battle (26 Dec 1776) American victory
1777 Princeton (2 Jan 1777) American victory
1777 Oriskany (6 Aug 1777) Inconclusive
1777 Brandywine (11 Sep 1777) British Victory
1777 Saratoga Campaign (19 Sep 1777) American victory
1777 Germantown (4 Oct 1777) British Victory
1779 Savannah ( Sep 1779) British Victory
1779 Flamborough Head (23 Sep 1779) John Paul Jones captures HMS Serpis
1780 Charleston ( Mar 1780) British Victory
1780 Camden (16 Aug 1780) British Victory
1781 Cowpens (17 Jan 1781) American victory
1781 Guilford Courthouse (15 Mar 1781) British Victory
1781 Hobkirk's Hill (25 Apr 1781) British Victory
1781 Chesapeake Bay (5 Sep 1781) Inconclusive naval battle
1781 Eutaw Springs (8 Sep 1781) British marginal victory
1781 Yorktown (Siege of) Decisive Battle (6 Oct 1781) American victory
1782 Battle of the Saintes (17 Apr 1782) British naval victory


Not forgetting Valley Forge, which wasn't a battle, but a winter encampment, but claimed more American dead than any single battle.

Funny how the US names unfeasabley large Aircraft Carriers after their battles, I'm assumming we have a couple of small tugboats pootling around Portsmouth Harbour Called 'The Brandywine' and 'The Germantown' or not....

Mr Anorak is signing off now....I thank you

ironporer

True.... had Benedict Arnold had been able to capture Quebec after the fall of Montreal, the USA would've been a lot bigger...my guess is that he just got tired of the cold and blackflies and ugly girls, and gave in.



Few...but sufficient to win the war...thanks in no small part to the world political situation and Britain's inept leadership allowing it to be so overextended- wars with Holland, Spain and France all at the same time.


Don't get so fired up rush... it was all said tongue in cheek- even though I understand that losing an empire 'where the sun never sets' must be painful to some.

Rompers

[QUOTE=ironporer]Britain's inept leadership allowing it to be so overextended- wars with Holland, Spain and France all at the same time.QUOTE]

Lucky the current US leadership would never make the same mistake

ironporer

[QUOTE=Rompers] Ehem...errr... no, never. Not with Spain or Holland anyway.
Iran and Korea ....maybe

Rushman

Hilarious!! Funny how you insist he's a traitor and we insist he was a loyalist

I'm not....I'm not....seriously...I'm not...OK I am..I read abook about it once.
How, you've never had one

gruffbrown

And the scores on the doors Anthea.....

American losses for the war (approx):

• 6,284 killed in action
• 10,000 deaths in camp (disease, etc.)
• 8,500 prisoner deaths
• Total 25,324

German losses (approx):

1,200 Germans were killed in action
6,354 died from illness or accident

Can't find a total for the British without adding up individual battles, but looking at them, it's way more than the Americans....

ladyofthelake

http://britishexpats.com/forum/showp...22&postcount=2

ironporer

Yeah...too bad the god damn Continental Congress (see- it's always the F#@king Congress!!) wouldn't pay him- or promote him to the level he actually deserved. He'd probably have been the 1st president had he not been so disgruntled. Afterall...he was the only US general winning any battles at the time.

I also understand that in the USSR, Kim Philby was considered a hero.


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