Go Back  British Expats > Living & Moving Abroad > USA
Reload this Page >

Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Old Dec 17th 2005, 11:53 pm
  #1  
Pagan Sex God
Thread Starter
 
Patrick's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2002
Location: Living in Oblivion
Posts: 3,668
Patrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond repute
Default Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

1. To begin with, a Christian parent must understand that a child will never learn a lesson unless they are beaten on their naked bottoms until the imprint of the rugged cross is plainly visible on both cheeks. (Proverbs 23:13-14) A clothed bottom is less humiliating and less painful for the wicked child. In fact, the child may feel no pain at all if they are cunning enough to sin while wearing heavy jeans or khaki pants. A youngster who can sit comfortably after a Godly beating will think they have outsmarted you and tend to repeat their misdeed and feel a license to move on to more hardcore sins, like rape and blasphemy. If a child is able to sit down within three days without ointment or a bag of frozen vegetables after their punishment, you have failed as a Christian parent. A good spanking should be traumatic and something the child will remember well into adulthood.

2. Use a heavy object, a ruler is too light, a belt-buckle may cause bleeding and suspicion from liberal democrat schoolteachers if you are careless enough to allow your child to attend a public school. We suggest a heavy King James 1611 authentic cowhide leather bound Bible.

3. Find a comfortable place to sit and ask your child to come over and have a seat on your lap. Act as if there is nothing amiss. We suggest that you smile or wink at your child. If it is your daughter, say "Come on over here and sit on daddy's lap, sweet heart. I want to talk to my little angel for a minute." If it is your son, we suggest you say, "Hey there, sonny - how's Dad's little quarterback? Come on over here and sit on my lap for a minute and let's talk about Jesus."

4. As soon as you have the child on your lap, clench his hands so that he cannot move. Immediately flip the child over so that his stomach is across your knees. If the child struggles, give him a good whack across the back of his head and tell him to shut up. Whisper in his ear, "You're going to get a whole lot worse from Jesus, you rebellious, hateful, little sissy!"

5. This is the point where the child may act like a little demon and start screaming. Be prepared for this wicked outburst. Have an athletic sock in your back pocket and cram it into the child's mouth. Stuff it back until you get to the stripes at the top of the socks. Don't worry: if the child is smart enough to remember to breath through their nose, they won't suffocate.

6. Ready your Bible, and lift it high above your head with one hand. Keep the child secure with your free hand. Landover Baptist Creation Scientists agree that the most effective way of securing the child for beating is to clench the back of his neck like a turkey. If they are still struggling, we suggest you raise your voice and say something like, "I'll give you something to squirm over, you little devil!"

7. Pull down their pants and underwear to reveal their pink little hiney. May sure both cheeks are fully exposed.

8. To ensure that the child is aware of their misdeed, and they never forget it, it is often best to smack the child across the bottom with the Bible as you speak out their misdeed. Each word would be one healthy whack across their naked hind quarters. For example: "YOU" [WHACK!] "DIDN'T" [WHACK!] "EAT" [WHACK] "YOUR" [WHACK] "BRUSSEL" [WHACK] "SPROUTS" [WHACK!] "YOU" [WHACK!] "LITTLE" [WHACK!] "DEMON!" [WACK!] and finishing off with a lighter whack, "did" [whack!] "you?" [whack!]

9. Rebuke the child in the sweet name of Jesus, toss them aside like a used Kleenex and let them roll to the floor to contemplate their sinful nature.

10. After about an hour, when the child has calmed down, have him sit on your lap again and read him some scripture verses about Hell (We recommend, Matthew 13:41-42) from the same Bible you used to beat him with. Let the child know that the punishment he received today is nothing compared to the eternal punishment of Hell where Jesus burns and cooks all the bad little boys and girls who don't do what their daddy tells them.

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0303/spanking.html
Patrick is offline  
Old Dec 17th 2005, 11:59 pm
  #2  
 
gruffbrown's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 30,102
gruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond reputegruffbrown has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

:scared: Bizarre, just another reason I'm glad I'm an Atheist.
gruffbrown is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 12:03 am
  #3  
Pagan Sex God
Thread Starter
 
Patrick's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2002
Location: Living in Oblivion
Posts: 3,668
Patrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond reputePatrick has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Originally Posted by gruffbrown
:scared: Bizarre, just another reason I'm glad I'm an Atheist.
Thank God I'm an atheist too!
Patrick is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 12:58 am
  #4  
Time Lord
 
dgsyd1's Avatar
 
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 1,032
dgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond reputedgsyd1 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

One of the funniest websites ive seen for a while, and the scary thing is that a lot of people really think like that.
dgsyd1 is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 3:29 am
  #5  
MJC
Lost in BE Cyberspace
 
MJC's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,596
MJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

A highly amusing pisstake on religion!!
MJC is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 3:31 am
  #6  
Account Closed
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,271
Angry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Nothing wrong with that. A sound thrashing never hurt anyone. Spare the rod spoil the child as my old granny used to say.
Angry White Pyjamas is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 3:32 am
  #7  
Account Closed
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,271
Angry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Originally Posted by MJC
A highly amusing pisstake on religion!!
And a swift edit from MJC.
Angry White Pyjamas is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 3:39 am
  #8  
MJC
Lost in BE Cyberspace
 
MJC's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,596
MJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

I really don't know what you mean......
Originally Posted by Angry White Pyjamas
And a swift edit from MJC.
MJC is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 4:10 am
  #9  
Account Closed
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,271
Angry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Originally Posted by MJC
I really don't know what you mean......
Your secrets safe with me......for a modest price.
Angry White Pyjamas is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 4:18 am
  #10  
MJC
Lost in BE Cyberspace
 
MJC's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,596
MJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Will you do anything for money?
Originally Posted by Angry White Pyjamas
Your secrets safe with me......for a modest price.
MJC is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 4:20 am
  #11  
Account Closed
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,271
Angry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Originally Posted by MJC
Will you do anything for money?
Pretty much. That and sexual favours of course. But Im guessing your not a Miss Jolie lookilike...so cash it is then.
Angry White Pyjamas is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 4:22 am
  #12  
Just me!
 
antjen's Avatar
 
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 752
antjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond reputeantjen has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Originally Posted by Patrick
Thank God I'm an atheist too!
Strange folk these Christians!! - glad I'm another atheist - wouldn't want to be associated with these god followers

Ant
antjen is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 4:23 am
  #13  
Account Closed
 
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,271
Angry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to beholdAngry White Pyjamas is a splendid one to behold
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Originally Posted by Patrick
Thank God I'm an atheist too!
Theres definitely a stange air of the ironic flavour about that sentence.
Angry White Pyjamas is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 4:24 am
  #14  
MJC
Lost in BE Cyberspace
 
MJC's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,596
MJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond reputeMJC has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

Originally Posted by Angry White Pyjamas
Pretty much. That and sexual favours of course. But Im guessing your not a Miss Jolie lookilike...so cash it is then.
Nor am I gay!
MJC is offline  
Old Dec 18th 2005, 4:36 am
  #15  
Lost in BE Cyberspace
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 22,104
AmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond reputeAmerLisa has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Godly Tips on How to Punish and Beat Your Christian Child

I'd like to expose their "hineys" and then with a hot poker, poke them in their "hineys"! F ecking Morons! And of course there's a Support Bush/Cheney ad in the upper right hand corner. Completes the picture.
AmerLisa is offline  

Contact Us Archive Advertising Cookie Policy Privacy Statement Terms of Service

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.