British Expats - Feeling hopeless

British Expats (https://britishexpats.com/forum/)

- USA (https://britishexpats.com/forum/usa-57/)

- - Feeling hopeless (https://britishexpats.com/forum/usa-57/feeling-hopeless-896646/)

Re: Feeling hopeless

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steerpike (Post 12251795)

As others have said, sorry for your loss, and I hope you feel better soon. You've read a lot of good advice here already.

It does seem, based on this comment, that you are stacking the cards against yourself. If you allowed yourself to get more involved in life out here, maybe you'd like it more, and that could reduce your feeling for the need to have family around; it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If your husband has an opportunity here that he would never get 'back home', and he doesn't have strong family ties back there, I can see this being a very difficult situation for the two of you. Is there no way you can plan to make frequent trips back to the UK, to satisfy your need to be with family, while continuing to live here?

If you travel 'off peak', and/or book ahead, you can fly to UK from the west coast for $800, and it's only 10 hours out of your life sitting on the plane (less from the east coast). Similarly, you can fly family out here to visit; my family absolutely love to visit, and if you plan carefully, it can be done cheaply.

I live here in the US, my brother lives in the UK. Our mother lives alone about 70 miles from my brother. I have concluded that I see my mother more each year than he does; I fly her over for extended visits every year - 6 weeks each year. During that time, she's living in my house and I see her every single day (6x7=42 days), morning and evening, and we always go on a 'trip' near the end - a road trip to Vegas, or to Yosemite, or whatever. My brother, for his part, pops over once a week, but only for a few hours - takes her out for lunch and a drive, and that's it. Even if he lived 'just up the road', he probably wouldn't spend the kind of quality time with her that I spend with her on her visits. Now, my brother is 'there for her' when she needs him, and that's great, but my point is, just because I live a long way from my mum doesn't mean I don't get to spend time with her.

Thank you Steerpike. You are so right about this. Since being in the US I obviously don't get to see my parents often, but when they stay here we have quality time together that I'm not sure we would have in the UK. My husband and I have had a tough road out here so far, with multiple visas, moving around etc., so we had hardly any savings when all of this happened, but we are planning to turn that around and finances will be much better by the end of this year, which should make things a lot easier. We are going to do lots of research and figure out what is best for us in the long run - whether that will be in the US or UK.

I also agree with you that "It does seem, based on this comment, that you are stacking the cards against yourself. If you allowed yourself to get more involved in life out here, maybe you'd like it more, and that could reduce your feeling for the need to have family around; it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy" - I do need to make more of an effort out here, so that even if we do eventually end up in the UK, at least I would have given it a fair chance and I'd have great memories to go back with! No point in moping around is there. Thanks again Steerpike!

Re: Feeling hopeless

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pulaski (Post 12250580)

Someone else here on BE faced a similar issue a couple of years ago (though he was single, so didn't have the complication of a relationship). After posting a similar question to yours above he sold up, packed up, and went home. However he very quickly realized that his family wasn't what he remembered, his cousins and nephews had all moved on and his fond memories of pints in pubs and soccer games were just that, memories. IIRC within six months he was back in the US, determined to settle down and really make a go of it.

This was me. However it was only 5 weeks I needed to realize I'd made a mistake going back and that mistake cost a lot of money!

To the OP: Sorry for your loss.

I was in turmoil at the time and couldn't move forward here in the US properly without resolving it. And boy did I learn a lot in that 5 weeks. After being away for 5 years, not only had everyone I knew changed but I'd changed.

I went to the US in the first place for a reason. A good reason. It would have been fair enough packing up and going back if I tried it and really didn't like it but that wasn't the case. I was just thinking I was missing out.

The truth is your mind plays tricks on you sometimes. And most of the time a holiday or even a Skype call will do the trick, then you can continue to chase your own dreams.

I'm a different person since realizing that I'm not missing out. It's just that I've chosen one thing over another. You can't have everything.

Roll on the end of the year when I can apply for citizenship.

Re: Feeling hopeless

Sorry you lost your nain. I would say give yourself a set amount of time to think on it and do not have kids till you have worked out your feelings. As someone who started my family here in the US I will say that as much as we love life here it is a loss that my kids do not have relationships with family in the way I imagined they would if we had stayed in the UK. My parents are older so now we have a second income we plan on doing a trip back every summer from next year. My kids have never met my brother, and last saw grandparents 3.5 years ago. My husband is not attached to his family in the same way so for him it was an escape getting to the US but every now and then I long to just spend a day with my family or have some help. Raising kids with no family around does have its stresses but I am reconciled to it because we know our life here is better and my parents are at an age where I know that they will not be around for ever. If my parents were younger perhaps we would have considered going back to do the family thing but that time is past.
If you are very close to your family do consider this deeply. Having kids with no family support can be challenging so if you are already longing for home that may be exacerbated by becoming a mum, far from family.