Re: Feeling hopeless
 

Yes it does seem like the best place to start, its best to know where we stand now. Thank you Nutmegger!

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

Thank you vikingsail. I am amazed at the amount of amazing comments from people on here. It is really great to hear how other people have coped with similar situations and to hear different perspectives.

I am so glad that you said "I do not think its a better lifestyle here but a different one," because there are pros and cons to every country and as much as I love living in the US - the lifestyle does not compare the feeling of having family nearby. The thing is, my husband doesn't have much family in the UK anymore and for him lifestyle is a huge factor. I guess these differences didn't occur to us sooner because we both wanted an adventure and loved the idea of living in the US. I just never realised how hard it would be to be so distant from family, but I really feel it now.

I am worried about how I would cope with homesickness long term and now that I'm getting to the time of wanting children, it actually gives me a horrible feeling in my stomach to think of living here with children and having no family around. So I am definitely not having children until I have made a serious decision about my future.

To be honest, if money were not an issue I bet I'd be on a one way ticket to the UK right now. Just wish I could drag my husband with me, but I want him to be happy too.

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

Does he want you to be happy?

Ian

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

It seems to me that you're between a rock and a hard place but that between the two of you and your two entrench positions, that it would be easier for you to adjust than your husband if he really does have a well paid job which doesn't have an equivalent role in the UK.

Therefore I suggest that of you drag him back to the UK your relationship will be either be filled with resentment or just plain doomed. And if you feel strongly that you can't be happy in the US but remain here, then your relationship will also be filled with resentment or just plain doomed. And I don't see how any amount of couple's counseling will resolve that conundrum. :(

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

So sorry to hear about your nan, I came here in 1985 (an old timer) my nan passed I couldn't afford to go back that was the first painful experience. Then came divorce and being trapped due to having children born here and longing to go back. I made the most of it but can't say I have settled and have good friends, I can count on. Some are lucky they are married to the same person and have happy lives with their children in the same town. I have been spread out from my kids, and now contemplating going back I am now in my 50's they are grown. I think some of us are able to settle easily with the right support, but as my mother told me and she was right if you don't have a good support system then it can be very lonely, I resented her for that comment but now know it to be the truth.

My dad passed in 2013 an other relatives before him, I was unemployed and couldn't get back that about did it. I have some family left and now the choice is still the same do I go or stay?

I think having an emergency fund is very wise, and planning trips back if you can afford it is something to do. It's heartbreaking having to leave family and move to a different country you really don't know the consequences until you do it no-one and nothing can prepare you for the differences.

Everyone's situation is different unfortunately no one can make the decisions for us I will probably be back in the UK by next year and kids here but they are grown now and have their own lives, again heartbreaking but some things in life are just tough.

Unfortunately I can't tell you that these feelings will go away if you stay but it's good to talk out how you feel and then to weigh up where you will do best. I wish you much happiness whatever your decisions will be, I know I am looking to go back home to UK.

I think you answered your own question by saying you would get out of here it's how you feel, hard when there are other parties or people involved.

Take care J.

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

Hi SAR2015 .

A warm welcome to BritishExpats and have a big huge squishy hug from me. Very tough days for you & also your husband right now.

You are newly bereaved. Do nothing in haste and let your emotions and feelings settle down for a fair old while & I am not talking a few days or weeks. Nor even a couple of months.

The death of a very close family member can cause friction between a couple where it seems one is pulled apart. Especially if one is thousands of miles from the moment. I know. Been there with that one . However, as the gut wrenching feelings of loss & helplessness die away a little so does the angst that the bereavement brings. Don't forget your partner will be watching you hurt and feeling helpless too.

My big advice is to say and do nothing in haste. What you feel today , tomorrow or the next day will not be at all the same as what you will feel in 6 months or a year's time. Honestly.

When someone you love dies you are cut off from them forever . It truly does not matter where you are . It would feel the same if it was right before your eyes. I know this also as I've been there with that too. The feeling is the same if from afar or not.

The issue for you really is that you did not get to spend some last moments with your Nain . Nor be with and comfort your parents. You missed out . That is your huge sorrow.

My suggestion is that you arrange to have some sort of personal farewell for her right where you are. With my husband when his Mum died , he set up a cairn of pebbles on our nearby beach , lit some tea lights and then we waited for the tide to come in. Do something for her and at that moment you hold her to your heart.

Then get through the next few weeks a day at a time. You are not in the right space at the moment to look for houses . Just focus on your parents coming to visit in August.
Babies - well that can come at any time . Don't even give that think space. When the time comes you and he will have worked out how you and your kids get to spend time with your parents. You will. Crikey. The young couple next door to us who have two young children manage to see their respective parents each year or more what with visits each year and we live far far away from the UK. Down in New Zealand.

Have big sobs. Feel wretched. Run with the emotion. Keep the savings going & sort out your emergency flight plan. Wait until after your parents have been and gone before thinking any further into your future. Their leaving after the visit will be very tough. Christmas will be tough. Just know you will get through this and those raw edges will soften and blur. Once you feel like that, then discuss and make decisions. Not before.

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

:goodpost:

Lovely words BEVS xx

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

I'm sorry for your loss. Many others have already responded with some great advice, but I just wanted to add one more idea.

I was listening to BBC Radio 2 the other day (the power of internet radio!) and the discussion was about live streaming funerals for people who couldn't attend. It seems that there are Funeral Homes that will live stream the funeral for people who want to grieve privately or are simply unable to attend. I thought it was a fantastic idea. You might want to check to see if they are able to do this for your nan.

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

As others have said, sorry for your loss, and I hope you feel better soon. You've read a lot of good advice here already.

It does seem, based on this comment, that you are stacking the cards against yourself. If you allowed yourself to get more involved in life out here, maybe you'd like it more, and that could reduce your feeling for the need to have family around; it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If your husband has an opportunity here that he would never get 'back home', and he doesn't have strong family ties back there, I can see this being a very difficult situation for the two of you. Is there no way you can plan to make frequent trips back to the UK, to satisfy your need to be with family, while continuing to live here?

If you travel 'off peak', and/or book ahead, you can fly to UK from the west coast for $800, and it's only 10 hours out of your life sitting on the plane (less from the east coast). Similarly, you can fly family out here to visit; my family absolutely love to visit, and if you plan carefully, it can be done cheaply.

I live here in the US, my brother lives in the UK. Our mother lives alone about 70 miles from my brother. I have concluded that I see my mother more each year than he does; I fly her over for extended visits every year - 6 weeks each year. During that time, she's living in my house and I see her every single day (6x7=42 days), morning and evening, and we always go on a 'trip' near the end - a road trip to Vegas, or to Yosemite, or whatever. My brother, for his part, pops over once a week, but only for a few hours - takes her out for lunch and a drive, and that's it. Even if he lived 'just up the road', he probably wouldn't spend the kind of quality time with her that I spend with her on her visits. Now, my brother is 'there for her' when she needs him, and that's great, but my point is, just because I live a long way from my mum doesn't mean I don't get to spend time with her.

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

Thank you all so so much for the wonderful comments, advice and input. I am so glad I joined this forum! I was really struggling to cope a few days ago, but now after reading all your comments, it has helped me to open up more to my husband, family and friends and I feel in a much better place now. There is still a lot to work out and think about, but I'm not going to panic anymore and we are going to take our time to make decisions and work things out for the future. Thank you all again so much, I can't describe how much of a difference your comments have made, this is a wonderful forum!

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

I definitely have felt stuck in this situation, but we are going through all of our options and trying to find a way to make things work for us both.

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

He has said that he does want me to be happy. We still have a lot to go through, but we are going to take our time in deciding what is best for us going forwards.

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

Thank you ladyjayne777 for your comment, it always helps to hear about other peoples real life experiences as an expat and how life can have many unexpected turns! Mothers are always right aren't they. Sorry to hear about your father, and that you couldn't get back. I wish you much happiness in your decisions too, hope that it all works out for you. Please let me know if you do end up going back, would love to hear about it! Good luck with everything.

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

Thank you BEVS for your wonderful comment, it actually made me cry!! But I'm glad it did! Your advice to not do anything in haste has really helped. I was feeling very upset and angry and I wanted to change the situation and make things better straight away (I couldn't sleep with worry), but your comment has helped me to relax and give myself time to get through this before making any rash decisions.

Also, thank you for suggesting a personal farewell I am going to do this soon (it's too painful at the moment and I don't feel ready to say goodbye to her), I will probably do this on the day of her funeral and I am also arranging for flowers to be at her funeral from us.

You have no idea how much your comment has helped me, I had been really struggling to cope, but your wonderful comment has put me at ease. thank you thank you thank you!!! You've made a huge difference during such a difficult time for me and I can't thank you enough for that!

Re: Feeling hopeless
 

Thank you ScousePete for the brilliant suggestion, I will be looking into it! It really is a fantastic idea! Thanks for letting me know :fingerscrossed: