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Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Old Jul 18th 2016, 2:40 pm
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Unhappy Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Hello all,

My partner is originally from the states but has been living here in the UK for almost 4 years. When we met he was aware of the strong tie I had in America with friends and places. I have always made me feelings clear that I would move there in an instant if the chance arose. Later this year I will be going out to see friends but going alone as he does not want to travel back there. Today I just asked when he would feel like he can join me for a trip. It is such a big part of my life and I want to be able to share it with him. Instead he got in a big rant and told me he would rather not have me in his life than for me to 'be on his back' about it. I should note this is he first time I have mentioned anything in months it's not a constant thing. I see my future with the possibility of living there someday and whilst I know he had some bad experiences that caused him to leave I can't understand why he is so angry as its nothing that can not be rectified. I love him and don't want to end our relationship but I also want to be able to share the important things in my life with him and I don't know how to talk to him calmly about it because he gets himself so worked up.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What am I suppose to do?

Last edited by Youdontknowme; Jul 18th 2016 at 2:51 pm.
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 2:48 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Realistically accept your partner for who he is, and keep talking, but accept that he probably won't change. OR leave him and move on with your life.

There are plenty of examples of couples, where one person thinks the other will eventually change their mind about something - having children being a classic example. All the evidence points to such expectations of change being doomed, and lead only to frustration and anger.
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 2:49 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Youdontknowme View Post
Hello all,

My partner is originally from the states but has been living here for almost 4 years. When we met he was aware of the strong tie I had in America with friends and places. I have always made me feelings clear that I would move there in an instant if the chance arose. Later this year I will be going out to see friends but going alone as he does not want to travel back there. Today I just asked when he would feel like he can join me for a trip. It is such a big part of my life and I want to be able to share it with him. Instead he got in a big rant and told me he would rather not have me in his life than for me to 'be on his back' about it. I should note this is he first time I have mentioned anything in months it's not a constant thing. I see my future with the possibility of living there someday and whilst I know he had some bad experiences that caused him to leave I can't understand why he is so angry as its nothing that can not be rectified. I love him and don't want to end our relationship but I also want to be able to share the important things in my life with him and I don't know how to talk to him calmly about it because he gets himself so worked up.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What am I suppose to do?
Sorry, but your post is unclear as to where "here" is -- the states? The UK? Sounds as if counseling is in order if you can't discuss the situation one on one. And if he won't go, talk to someone alone in order to sort out just how you should proceed with your life, this situation sounds like domestic abuse -- it doesn't all involve hitting. Good luck.
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 2:51 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Nutmegger View Post
Sorry, but your post is unclear as to where "here" is -- the states? The UK? Sounds as if counseling is in order if you can't discuss the situation one on one. And if he won't go, talk to someone alone in order to sort out just how you should proceed with your life, this situation sounds like domestic abuse -- it doesn't all involve hitting. Good luck.
Yes here is the UK sorry for being unclear on that!...
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 2:53 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Youdontknowme View Post
Yes here is the UK sorry for being unclear on that!...
And are you American too? What is the strong tie you have otherwise?
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 2:55 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Youdontknowme View Post
Yes here is the UK sorry for being unclear on that!...
Welcome to BE.

Have I got this right?...

So he is an American living in the UK and doesn't wish to live in the US. You are a Brit who wants to live in the US.

One thing to consider...without your partner how can you live in the US?

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jul 18th 2016 at 3:29 pm. Reason: Typo
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 2:56 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Bermudashorts View Post
And are you American too? What is the strong tie you have otherwise?
I am not I am British. My career choice essentially takes me to America a lot to try and pursue it and I have been travelling to the states for holidays for the past 6 years to the same city. I have a much bigger friend circle there than I do here and many who I consider more as family that friends. It's the one place I have really felt I was at home and I have always been open about me feelings on this.
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 3:00 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Youdontknowme View Post
I am not I am British. My career choice essentially takes me to America a lot to try and pursue it and I have been travelling to the states for holidays for the past 6 years to the same city. I have a much bigger friend circle there than I do here and many who I consider more as family that friends. It's the one place I have really felt I was at home and I have always been open about me feelings on this.
Well in this case, I wonder if he feels that you are trying to use him as your way in and feels well, used? Bringing the subject of an international move up only a few months after the last time is reallly quite a lot when he clearly does not want to do it. Perhaps you should just keep quiet and let him bring it up now.
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 3:01 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Jerseygirl View Post
Welcome to BE.

Have a got this right?...

So he is an American living in the UK and doesn't wish to live in the US. You are a Brit who wants to live in the UK.

One thing to consider...without your partner how can you live in the US?
I don't even have to live there at this point. I want us both to be happy together and if that means I just travel there instead of making a permanent residence then i can make that work but I want to be able to share that with him and he is currently refusing to even discuss the idea of even taking a 2 week trip there. I was hoping maybe someone had some ideas on ways to approach the conversation.

I spent years trying to move there and exhausted all options. I resigned myself to the fact I would just have to visit. When I met my partner the thought crossed my mind that maybe I could make more of it than that but I know right now it's not possible and I'd rather find a way to work around just making it a short holiday.
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 3:03 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Bermudashorts View Post
Well in this case, I wonder if he feels that you are trying to use him as your way in and feels well, used? Bringing the subject of an international move up only a few months after the last time is reallly quite a lot when he clearly does not want to do it. Perhaps you should just keep quiet and let him bring it up now.
It wasn't bringing up a move. I just asked when he thought he might be ready to join me on my next trip there
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 3:20 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Youdontknowme View Post
It wasn't bringing up a move. I just asked when he thought he might be ready to join me on my next trip there
I'd be curious why there is such a visceral aversion to going to the US even for a vacation. That said that may be a whole can of worms involved if it's something serious.
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 3:37 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by sir_eccles View Post
I'd be curious why there is such a visceral aversion to going to the US even for a vacation. That said that may be a whole can of worms involved if it's something serious.
This is also partly my concern... I know he left with an outstanding traffic ticket but it wasn't anything serious as I have been told. But yes I guess there is part of me worried that there is more to it than an unpaid parking ticket from 4 years ago
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 4:10 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

Originally Posted by Youdontknowme View Post
This is also partly my concern... I know he left with an outstanding traffic ticket but it wasn't anything serious as I have been told. But yes I guess there is part of me worried that there is more to it than an unpaid parking ticket from 4 years ago
Easy to use one of the services on the internet to check people's criminal records etc. Everything is public record. It sounds like "snooping" but given his aversion even to visit the US it's something to think about.
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 4:25 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

You use the term 'partner'. Does that mean you are not married? That would make a big difference if you were to move back, which, admittedly, sounds unlikely.

How well do you know this partner of yours? It sounds like, as others have said, he has skeletons in his closet of which you are completely unaware.

It's not up to anonymous people on the internet to tell you what to do. At the end of the day, you know the answer in your heart and it's up to you to act on it. Whether you should leave him and find someone else or continue as you are is totally up to you and no-one else. I would suggest that the latter is not an option as you wouldn't be posting all this on a public forum otherwise!
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Old Jul 18th 2016, 4:26 pm
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Default Re: Ex-Pat partner doesn't want to move home but I do

He has leave to remain in the UK?
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