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Easy Test For Access To The Good Ole US of A

Easy Test For Access To The Good Ole US of A

Old Nov 30th 2005, 5:07 am
  #1  
MJC
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Default Easy Test For Access To The Good Ole US of A

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?

(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.


2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?

(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.


3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?

(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c)Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.


4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?

(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faithhealer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head,whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.


5. What do you have for breakfast?

(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.


6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?

(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c)A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.


7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?

(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c)Take him to an supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.


8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?

(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Harry Enfield or the Fast Show
(c)A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.


9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?

(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c)Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation,and sue your wife's ass.


10. You are the leader of your country. At an important press conference, a journalist asks a difficult question. Do you:

(a) Address the point knowledgably and intelligently.
(b) Steer the conversation around to a topic you're more comfortable with.
(c) Stand and grin gormlessly before throwing up in the Japanese Prime Minister's lap, then get airlifted home to be sucked off by a fat-titted intern.

11. You are in a Middle-Eastern country with a reputation for terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. You don't want to stand out. Do you wear:

(a) Non-commital jeans and a t-shirt.
(b) A Demis Roussos tent dress, fez and sunglasses
(c) A hig- rise baseball cap, 15 cameras, Eric Morcambe shorts and a Hawaiian shirt?

12) You decide to stop off in a strange town to do some shopping. Do you

a) Get out of the car and politely ask a passer by if there is good clothes shop nearby
b) Get out of the car, grab someone by the arm and say 'Hey buddy where can I get some pants?'
c) Your ass is to be to get out of the car without use of a winch so you shout out of the window of the car 'Hey sonny, go and get me some pants, size elaphantine. Have a nica day y'all!'

Mostly A - You are in no way American. You probably still spell 'color' with a 'u' and 'alumininium' with all the syllables.
Mostly B - A bit American, but could do better. Try putting a 6-inch high withe fence around your lawn, and insisting your postman deposit your letters in a breadbin on a stick.
Mostly C - Congratulations boy! You're a Yank! You've got Mom's apple pie comin' out of the buns of your ass. Have a nice ****in' day. y'all!
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Old Nov 30th 2005, 10:33 am
  #2  
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Default Re: Easy Test For Access To The Good Ole US of A

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?

(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faithhealer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head,whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
(d) Sue the bedmaker/mattress company/your chiropractor. It must be somebody's fault (not your own, of course)
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Old Nov 30th 2005, 3:03 pm
  #3  
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Default Re: Easy Test For Access To The Good Ole US of A

Haven't seen that one in a while. It's been doing the rounds for a long time, and I think it originally came from an issue of Viz . Karma heading your way for putting a smile back on my face.
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